is just a word used
to describe me.
You don’t look
long enough at me to really
see though.

I didn’t laugh when I realized
what I was.
It wasn’t new, I knew
how my mind worked.
The word wasn’t new either.
Just the label of being a
psychopath.

The insanity of my sanity
has long since made me
comfortable relaxed amused by my
wild
untamable
uncaring traits.

Who I am
what I am-
it taunts me so dearly,
never leaving my mind.

Resting in the crooks
corners
nooks
that my mind has available.

to one day no longer
crave your attention but
the next want nothing more
than your mad love.
But I never claimed to be
anything other than dysfunctional.

A skinny little girl is 11
when she gets told for the first time
that she's not pretty enough.
What a thing to tell a little girl.
She can see what people call pretty
on magazines and she can see the mirror
telling her that her skin isn't as clear and
how she's not as skinny as them.

A skinny little girl is 13
when she stops eating breakfast,
claiming the lie of having nausea that early.
All the other girls are showing skin so
she joins in. Her face is clear now but
her stomach's still not flat. She eats half a lunch
and her mom says, "That's not enough."
Her friend doesn't know and
sees her waist, telling her, "Wow,
You're like a toothpick!"
It makes her grin and she feels pretty.

A skinny little girl is 15
when she decides skipping meals isn't
fast enough. She's stuffing her finger
down her throat now, pouring out her meals.
Her breast are on display and she
loves this boy who says she's beautiful
and kisses her stomach, telling her how
skinny she is. She doesn't know how
different *** is from love and she lets him
take her clothes off, loving him as much
as she can. He leaves her more times than she can
remember in the next couple years but
she defends it when he always comes back.

A skinny little girl is 17
when she tries to hide the scars
on her arms from everyone, making up
excuses when asked about them.
She's traded throwing up for skipping meals again and
she still thinks she's not pretty enough.
Her mom questions her scars and
her friends wonder about her eating habits but
nobody does a thing. She's numb and thinks
she's not worth anything. She cries herself to sleep and still loves the boy who comes and goes
and sometimes saves her from herself.
He tells her he loves her and she believes it,
not wanting death as much.

A skinny little girl is 19
when she has valleys in her hips
and a breeze between her legs and a
body she's learned to love.
She eats full meals and wears what she
likes and her arms are whole again.
She fights the thoughts and still
can't eat breakfast, no longer able to
stomach food that early.
She can't tell when she's hungry and
when she just wants food.
Hunger isn't known until there's a gnawing in her stomach.
The boy always tells her how much she
means and how he'll never stop talking
to her. She can look in the mirror now
and believe she's pretty.

is such an ugly word.
It's ******
      gory
      heart tearing.

People think they can
                                       understand
                                       sympathise
                                 relate on some level.
That's what I thought-
but you simply
                           CAN'T.

The depth of emotion for such
a blatant mi
                 ra
                cle is stronger
than you could
imagine.

And then it's
               taken
               away.

Against a door
on your knees
doubled over
throat hoarse
eyes swollen
tear tracks
skin under nails
scratches down face.

Can I whisper in your ear

all my ****** secrets,

can I confess in your mouth

all my sins,

can I cry in your arms

all night long?

so I didn’t know just how wrong
I really was.
Let you ***** me all up-
all it took was one night
one half hour
one open window.

What a joke,
that half hour how I loved it
how I loved you.

Just a kid even though
I swore up and down
left and right
that I wasn’t.
I was really so
grown up.

What a delusion.
None of it was true, I was
just a fifteen year old girl
who thought she might be
special.
Just a girl who thought
she meant something to you.

Not true.
You left and I was left to be
messed up in the mind
******* up in the head
heart mangled.
Never fully healed and still unable
to say a complete goodbye
to loving you.

I wondered today what you’d do

if I simply let myself dangle

my feet off a cliff,

let my feet get pulled by

gravity until I was falling

falling with nothing
beneath.

I was thinking about how’d
that happen and I asked

myself, would you say my name

would you scream

as I fell would you look over

the edge at my mangled

corpse.

Sweetie I promise I’d give you
one last smile,

just one last goodbye as I twisted

and fell.

You look at me with such

distaste, “Poser,” you sneer

head up high passing by.

I don’t dress to impress though

this is just me.

I copy what I think is beautiful

and now it’s all

blended so you can think

what you want.

We sat stranded

wishing we’d taken a

different way

having no choice but to

wait the road out.

Can I admit my darkest

secrets to you?

Oh darling can I blow you

kisses in the dark?

Will you let me stay by your side

until I’m done breathing?

Oh sweetheart I must tell you

that I have something

terribly wrong with me.

I simply cannot imagine life

without you holding me.

Tomorrow will be good

but until then

I have to make it
through today and that means

battling my inner

demons

all whispering
      
begging

      pleading
to think of the past

think of the not so

                     happy

                     charming

                     but certainly not

                     loveless past.

that the girl I was
could become somebody so
different.
So suddenly
      abruptly
      uncalled for.
Never dreamed I could become this.

I like to say
society is to blame.
The urge to be beautiful can
capture you so tight if you’re even a
little unsure.
Society is not to blame.
I am to blame.
I am to blame.

That innocence was so eager
to be gone,
to be mature,
to be adult.
Rushed out of it and I fell
                                     fell
                                     fell
and became corrupt.

Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it.
Oh it became what I kept for as my pride.
Reaped as a casualty.
Rushed into a much too adult world.
Under that farcical act I knew nothing.
Pain follows like an ex ever since.
Thrived in it regardless, embracing it.

I thought I deserved it.

I never thought to

put it to words on

paper.

I never thought of

how the words might taste

in my mouth.

I never thought it would

capture it so well.

I swear I didn’t.
Was never my plan to
go brother to brother.
You didn’t need to be so
shocked we fit better than we had
though.

He had months to know me while
you jumped straight with me.
I was walking from him when he stopped me
in my retreat.
Must have known he was losing me since
he grabbed the chance to make us
official in everyone else’s eyes.

He asked you before about it.
About if you had problems with it,
you said no.
Later admitted to me how you were
totalled in shock.

Must have been baffling to hear how
the brother liked the broken girl.
Shocking.
Brother heals girl broken from brother-
what a ******* classic.

I never thought that

I’d be so tired of putting

a pretend face up.

If you want the
absolute truth, well-

I never dreamed that

You and I
would end up walking
down opposite streets.

But then again

my life is not a

dream.

because you can be so
perfect and amazing
yet
I won’t lie and deny how much of an
*******
you really are.

I think that’s why I
                             love
                             you.
You let it show
with a grin you don’t care
I don’t care
because you’re that one *******
whom everybody loves.

I’ve gotten so far

yet there’s still so much more to

travel past in my way.

so it never surprised me when you
would suddenly disappear from my
life.
All at once
no warnings
just gone with no hints as
to why.

Contact didn’t happen
and after a while I would
give up.
I knew when it came time that
you would show back up.
Few months later it
always happened-
no excuse for me
just some vague
                 casual
                 normal
greeting.
As if you hadn’t just come back from
months long haitus from me.
Always something like
Hey baby
I sure missed you.

It didn’t matter that
that was how it always went
for you and I.
There was a constant fear that
the last time I saw you would
be the very last.

Took to making sure you knew
how loved you were
every time I walked away from you.
Only you knew the next time we would
see each other.

Waking up, 

sun shining and

daisies adorning your hair

when I roll over.

Eyes open sleepily,

run my fingers

through your hair

with your breathing

slow steady calm

as you sleep on,
and I can smell the flowers

on them afterwards.

Your dates are seared

into my mind,

locked into my memory

so I spent the day wondering

if mine are in yours.

When we’re together

we’re a breathing poison to the

other, seeping through veins.

The unexpected

can be the best

            the unexpected smile
            
the unexpected laughter
            
the unexpected friendship.

The unexpected

isn’t always the happiest

                      the unexpected cry

                      the unexpected lies
                      
the unexpected betrayal.

There is no feeling better

than knowing where 
you’re going,

no feeling better than

knowing how to get there,

there is no better feeling

in my mind

than being able to get

where you want to be.

I can’t stop thinking

of how when I asked

he said yes

for the first time in forever 
he said yes

yes to the acceptance of

having plans to

see each other

yes to meeting my friends

yes to seeing this side

of me.

I use to think

my scars were beautiful,

I use to think
my ribs were beautiful,

I use to think 
that I had to work to be beautiful.

The scars across me don’t strike me

as beautiful anymore,

my ribs visible don’t strike me

as beautiful anymore.

I look at the reminders now

and I’m struck by the

same repetitive fear of falling

back down that road.

Whisper in my ear

all those secrets you hid,

all those questions you never asked,

all those messages you didn’t send.
Whisper in my ear
everything you never said.

It’s sunk in deep, the

stress is here so just pray to

God it’ll leave us be.

don’t realise how straight
they keep me.
My mind is tightly drawn,
on the brink of being
gone.

Rather it be night
but not the kind you’re
thinking of.
Everyone keeps me awake,
the small things they do
they remember
they show
giving me a break
from the constant hate.

Hate from within
won’t leave as easily as you think
you see.
I have to struggle to put it
behind me
locked up
hidden
from sight all the time.

I thought that I had

lost your company but it

turns out that you still

walk my dreams.

than your teeth on my
neck your tongue across the
wound
your harsh kiss against
my lips
slipping slithering caressing
down the rest of me.

The sharp nip at my
skin the pressure of your
weight over me
the hard grip of your
hands
moving up down across me.

Hips colliding
          striking
          smashing against each other
collecting dark bruises
to be worn as adornments alongside
fading ones.

Close my eyes open my mouth
sounds are coming out
move with you feel you shift
eyes trained on me
hunger emanating from them.

all of these things along the lines of
‘to tell you the truth’ and
‘if I’m honest’ but maybe
that’s because I’m a liar
and these are my
confessions.
So let me admit one more thing
and that’s that it was
without a doubt entirely
my fault when I fell in love
with an ******* who
tasted like ****** personally
made for me.

I saw a quote today

and for a second

just a second

I thought about you

while reading it.

I can see how you’ll smile

in my head if you

read this but I think

before you do you should know

it was how I know that we’re over because now when I see you I’m more

in love with my

memories of you than you yourself.

I must admit I never

thought we’d separate so
much, always thought

life would stop just for us.

I’d like to say

you still make my heart

beat quick and

my stomach flutter

but I always said

that I’d never lie to you
and if I’m perfectly honest

with you then I have to say

the butterflies have left

my heart and the
elephant herd has laid down

to sleep in my stomach.

Tomorrow’s that day

I remember all year long.

Memories upon memories

all stacked up.

Some are bittersweet

some are wonderful

and then there’re
some everything in between.

towards you for once and
it wasn’t something I was
used to but that’s not to say
I wasn’t liking it.
To be able to wake up
without you on my mind was
such a new feeling and I was
falling in love with it.
Then I heard you had some new girl
and all of a sudden
you were in my dreams and
I was crying every night
again.

You tell me

“Don’t smoke love,”

but the truth behind it is

that they’re better for my

health than you are.

that I couldn’t predict it
that I never knew it’d happen
like this.
I swear up and down how
he wasn’t to blame,
that we both played
a part.
Only the last one
is completely true.
What can I say
except I’m a liar and
you should never trust
a girl in love?

I cannot believe

that I could ever be pushed,

I cannot believe

that I could ever be beaten,

I cannot believe

that I could ever be pressured,

I cannot believe
that anything but life can

do this all and

damage me so infinitely.

You can’t complain

it’s getting done,

can’t you see how well

you’re doing?

It seems like naught but 

I promise it’s becoming

caught.

I thought of

telling you how I miss you-

but then the

forgotten memory

of her existence was remembered

and I couldn’t make

my fingers type the words.

The simple words.

I chose to let you have your

now happiness

over reminding you of the
connection we still have

whenever we’re together.

The time of us

is long since past
and

the time of her
has come so soon.

I’d love to say just how

elated I am
to know you’re happy

but that wouldn’t be entirely

honest.

The truth is

I can feel the fleeting

feelings of the

age old green eyed monster.

We talked today

for the first time in weeks

and I’d love to lie

but I fell in love with

your taken heart all over again.

Oh darling,

I can’t say much

but what I can say won’t help you.

Oh darling-

I’m not a nice girl.

Don’t treat me so sweetly

for you’ll just be destroyed

once I walk away.

Oh darling,

don’t say it won’t be so

because that’s what they

all said before it

happened.