i've never been
to any other
highschool
in my life.
therefore,
i cannot speak
for all schools.
but, i can speak
for my school.
about every other
student here is
a druggie.
which means
you have your choice
of two crowds.
but once you choose,
at the beginning
of your freshman year,
you can't change your mind.
and the teachers here
rarely teach.
they throw slideshows up
and blame you for not
paying attention
if you actually get
the nerve
to go up
and ask for help.
our principal
promotes
mental health,
but doesn't give any
resources for
mental breakdowns,
anxiety, or
depression.
sitting in classrooms
for eight hours,
with people you
can't stand,
with nowhere to go
will completely
destroy someone
especially someone
already
suffering.

I was born on April 5th in Harlan, Iowa. I've always hated when snow is still sitting on the ground by then.
My mom never once showed me affection, bringing me to parties and leaving me with strangers.
What about my dad, you ask? I'll dig in my desk drawer and find the piece of paper that lists seven possibilities because I've always craved what I'll never have.
But on a happier note, I was adopted as a three-month-old baby.
I spent my childhood with my nose shoved in a book way above my expected reading level.
By the fourth grade, I was in love with sports, especially, soccer.
My alcoholic grandpa was by far my biggest role model because I could only see light in people at that age. About once a season I'd see his rickety old truck pull up on the wrong side of the field to get a front row seat of my soccer game.
When I was thirteen my grandpa passed away. I still watch every Cubs game for him and dream of travelling the east coast like he always used to do.
By the time I was fourteen I was into the most popular things at my high school, they definitely weren't in my best interest. You see, I've always tried too hard to fit in.
Yes, I'm hearing all this about who you used to be, but Callie, who are you now?
Who am I now?
Well.
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.
My favorite color is light blue.
I have an older brother, whom I love dearly.
I love watching football and screaming at the t.v. during any Dallas or Iowa State game.
I'm proud of my home team in every possible sport and cheer as loud as I can when we're winning and even when we're not.
I love watching That '70s Show while sipping an Arnold Palmer.
My home away from home is walking the beaches of Okoboji until it gets chilly enough to start a bonfire.
My biggest passion is, by far, playing soccer. I love the feeling of strapping on shin guards and tightening cleats before I run out of the locker room all hunched over trying to get my hair in a ponytail and get outside so I have enough time to warm up before practice.
I wake up every single morning to my alarm of my favorite music with a smile on my face ready for the day to begin.
Stop.
I said who are you now?
I mean really. Who are you?
Who am I now?
Well.
Sometimes I dream about getting married to some boy without a face, just to take his last name and rid the sin that comes along with being a Richter.
I cried in the bathroom stall at school the first time I heard a rumor that was spread about me. I tell everyone that by now I'm used to it, but the truth is each one buries me again.
I throw myself into physical activity and school sports because the sweat and heavy breathing puts my mind at ease and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Throwing myself into my school work obviously, doesn't have the same effect.
The boys at school still give me side glances, give me propositions, and make wisecracks about me being easy because maybe they'll have a chance, not to date me but to get with me because of rumors they heard over a year ago.
I'm so insecure about so much of myself that most days I would much rather crawl under a rock and die than show my face in the hallways between the bells.
Don't tell anyone I told you this though.
You must keep it a secret.
I mean, what would people think if they knew?
I think it's better off that they just see me as...
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.

you look into his eyes
and only see brown.
you laugh and joke
about how this
makes him
“full of ****.”
but,
when i look into his eyes,
i see so much more.
this boy has been hurt,
hurt by so many people.
tears hide back behind
because if he ever showed
anyone
his emotions,
he’d be ridiculed.
this boy is sad.
he’s lives a life
that he doesn’t want to live,
but pretends that
he is in control.
this boy
is not what everybody thinks.
when i first met him
i was intimidated.
he gives off a vibe
that he is
indestructible.
get to know him.
you will see what i mean.
i’ve comforted this boy
while he cried,
which i’ve only seen once.
i’ve been by his side
for everything,
through hell and back.
this boy has so much pain,
so much sadness,
so much agony.
but he also has so much love.
he just doesn’t know
what to do with it.

i have oh so many
trust issues now
i cant help but expect
people to leave
"but not everybody leaves"
he says to me daily
the hardest part is not
being able to know from
the start
what their intentions are
but you have to stay away
to protect your  heart
from breaking yet again
i have found a way you can
save yourself
you just have to stay away
from
everyone

imagine this.
you experience something
with another person
that typically involves
a great deal of
love and commitment.
but, you didnt want to.
this person didn't love you
nor were they commited to you.
this moment
is usually special
and meaningful.
but, you can't even tell me
if it was because
you dont know.
you dont remember.

welcome to my life.
i was the mere age
of fifteen.
i thought i loved him.

afterwords,
i didn't tell anybody.
instead,
i made excuses.
“i remember.”
“i wasn't drunk.”
“i wanted to.”
i spent six long months
suffering,
burying everything,
before i finally decided
it was time to tell my mom.

last month
my mom told me
i had a doctors appointment.
you see,
i have been consistently
losing weight and
i hadn't been sleeping at night.
when my doctor asked if
my mom could come in too,
i instantly knew something was wrong.
my mom looked into my eyes
and told me i needed to be honest.
i had no idea
what she was talking about.
“she was *****,”
my mom blurted.

you see,
after spending
six. *******. months.
alone,
burying everything
that i didn't want to think about,
just to have all that hard work
ripped apart
was heartbreaking.
no,
having someone i
loved and trusted
do something so awful,
so wrong,
that was heartbreaking.
but digging it all back up?
that was torture.

I wish you understood as much as you think you do
Maybe then I wouldn't break down quite as much
You know what happened, the baseline of my insanity
But I want you to know how I feel towards the boy who dropped me, my ex-best friend, and the one I'm in love with
I want you to understand
everything that's going on in my head
The way it spins when I remember the details of last weekend
The way it pounds when I see them together
The way it screams when the same thing happens to me over and over again
But how could you understand
If I'm being honest, I don't even understand myself
I don't know how to prevent my sob fests
I'm not sure why I let it all get to me
But I do
It eats me from the inside out and I know I can't be the only one
So why do I feel so alone?
Throw a punch,
Shove me around,
Cut me deep.
Physical pain is better than emotional
You can't fix what's throwing your body off guard with a **** band-aid
It'd be easier to fix a bullet wound with one
This generation is so messed up
Everyone's hurting and nobody's willing to help
It takes a tv show for people to realize that there are others hurting more than you
And everyone's first reaction is to be mean, to tear you apart
I just can't stand it anymore
Don't tell me it'll be different
That only time will tell
I've heard it a million times and it's all a big lie
The same thing will happen over and over and over again
Like a broken record, if you even know what that is anymore
She's always going to bully me
And the fears always going to be with me
He's always going to treat me like I'm nothing
And I'm always going to let him
She's always going to stab me in the back
And I'm always going to pretend like I don't notice
And ten years from now I'll look back and realize that I was right
The same thing happened again and again just with different faces
I miss her
I need him
I crave you
I just want unconditional love and a decent nights sleep
Is that really too much to ask?

i can tell you the
exact moment
i knew I loved him
my tears hit
the pillow because
he was spending time
with another girl
i cried so hard
i became sick

where would I be
without my friends?
I can tell you.
i’d be six feet
underground
with all my pain
scattered around
my hometown

i'm lying here
in my bed
trying to forget you
but i'm finding
that it's impossible
when the only thing
i know how to do
is crave you

today in class
i was reading a short story
for American Lit.
The Sculptor's Funeral
by Willa Cather.
it's about a man who has died
and his last wish was to be brought
back to his cruel hometown
to be buried.
"It's not a pleasant place to be lying while the world is moving and doing and bettering," he had said with a feeble smile, "but it rather seems as though we ought to go back to the place we came from, in the end. The townspeople will come in for a look at me; and after they have had their say, I shan't have much to fear from the judgement of God!"
a man that worked under him,
Steavens,
brought him home in a casket.
everybody had something
bad to say about him.
Laird,
a corrupt lawyer in the town,
had enough of it.
he yelled at the townspeople
and outed all of those who had
asked him to bend the law.
he made them realize that
they had done more wrong than
the man who was now dead.
"Well, I came back here and became the ****** shyster you wanted me to be. You pretend to have some sort of respect for me; and yet you'll stand up and throw mud at Harvey Merrick, whose soul you couldn't ***** and whose hands you couldn't tie."
"Harvey Merrick wouldn't have given one sunset over your marshes for all you've got to put together, and you know it..."

this story makes me
want to believe that,
if i'm ever lying in a casket,
someone will stand up for me
and try to clear my name.
even in small, ****** towns,
like the one i live in,
maybe there's at least
one person
with a kind heart.

Someone actually asked me if I was okay today
I smiled and said yeah
They asked again
I shook my head no
They asked me what was wrong
I told them I was tired
How the hell was I supposed to explain the war that's going on inside my head
How do I say the thoughts that I've thought late at night while the tears stream down my face
How do I explain that I'm worthless and I've given up on myself
Being tired was just an easier option
It would still explain the puffy eyes and slouched shoulders

I miss what we had
cuddling on the couch
talking for hours
waiting all night for the
sun to rise
sometimes I mistake
all of this
for missing him
I do not miss him
I miss the memories we made
you must think i’m awful
for saying that
I do not miss someone
that I used to love
more than anything
but in between
all the good memories
he slowly killed me
he was very controlling
and always angry
sometimes I choose
to forget those things
so I can remember the good
and actually
smile

I came across a picture of you
It was a picture of you
With some other girl
I looked at it
And looked at it
And looked at it
Funny thing is
I couldn't feel anything
I didn't feel anything
I swear to you, I tried
I wanted so bad
to be jealous
Because you're mine
And only mine
But guess what
That never happened
I never felt jealous
I guess I realized long ago
That you'll be there
Around every corner
And that you'll come for me
Whenever possible
But, pal
You sure as hell
Ain't mine

i wanna cut
my chest open
just to make sure
my hearts still
beating inside

what's the point
of picking petals
off flowers
when my fate
is the same
every *******
time

it’s been 5 months
and he must still
find my name sweet.
dead fish,
that’s what he called me.
said i just layed there
and it was the worst
he’d ever had.
maybe if i just layed there,
i was too drunk.
maybe if I just layed there,
i wasn’t ready.
maybe if I just layed there,
you should’ve taken me home.
telling people this
was your mistake,
because you also told people
that i was the one that
got you drunk
and ***** you.
but honey
how could that be true
if you say that
i was the dead fish
and you were fully aware.

they tell me to just forget about him
that i shouldn’t let someone
as dumb as him
ruin my life
they don’t understand
i’ve been trying to forget him
since february
i can’t do anything about the fact
that every time I close my eyes
i see him, feel him
he lives in my nightmares
i just want it to end

when i was young,
i thought my tears
would nourish roses.
now that i'm older
i know they will
drown sorrows.

you wanna know
what real depression
feels like?
it feels like
in your head
you know that
everything will
be okay
and your life
will go on but
your heart hurts.
like physically
hurts.
it's like someone
reached into my chest
and is strangling
my heart.
just crushing it
to pieces.
i don't want to
move or
get out of bed.
i haven't
eaten yet today.
i tried this morning,
took one bite and
felt like
i was gonna puke.
my stomach
keeps growling
like it's taunting me
cause it knows
i can't lose
anymore weight
without
becoming sick.
and there's nothing
can do about it either.
like,
i'm dying
and i can't
help myself.

i used to think
loving myself
was hard
until
you came along.
you see,
you shouldn't learn
to love yourself
in spite of a person,
you should learn
to love yourself
along the side of
the person.

i still
*******
love you.
after everything
you put me through
how could i say that?
i thought you were
well.. different.
but you were an
*******.
just like every guy
ive ever loved.

i hope the next girl
knows about
your anger,
your jealousy,
your hate.
i also hope she
smiles just as big
as i always did
everytime you call her
beautiful,
gorgeous,
yours.

im sorry we put
as much pain on eachother
as we did.

i love you.

sincerely yours,
callie

It's so devastating how your world can be falling apart one day and the next you could be finding yourself smiling at nothing. After a while, it'll throw you off balance. Believe me when I say you need to reach out and take hold of both ends of your world and pull everything together when it seems impossible. Do it for nobody but you.

ask me.
ask me why I believe in you
the way that I do.
stronger then you've ever known
and stronger then you'll ever feel again.
you don't understand.
i dare you, just ask me.
i'll tell you how brave you are.
how strong, kind, generous.
how you could move the mountains
and conquer the sun.
i believe in you because you're independent.
you do what you want without a care in the world.
because you take that leap of faith
even when no one else will.
and for all those reasons and more,
i not only believe in you,
i also love you.
more and more every ******* day.

Yes and No

Yes, because there's absolutely nothing you can do to help me. There's no point in you just worrying about something that doesn't even matter.

No, because my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm bedridden and not sure why. I cant get through a full day of school anymore without having a mental breakdown. The same stupid things keep going through my head and I cant get people off my mind that never should've been there in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm not worth it.

he loves me,
but he broke my heart.
why do i hurt
so **** much
when it was my choice?
it's for the best,
but i can't help but wonder
what kind of music
we could've made.

i believe love will find me again,
but i'm not convinced it'll be happily
ever after.

- i don't believe in fairytales

i've heard so many
rumors about
addiction.
do me and millions
of others a favor
by not talking about it,
unless you've experienced it.
unless you've spent
days in recovery groups,
or a hospital bed,
hours sitting beside the toilet,
experienced intense cravings,
or withdrawal symptoms
that make you feel like
you're dying.
"duh, just quit."
you don't understand.
and i hope you never have to.
you try something for
your own reasons.
you like it for the
happiness it brings or
because it helps you forget.
you continue to use it
for that reason
and it leads to addiction.
at that point its too late
to "just quit".
you're brain begs for it.
if you don't give in,
depending on your addiction,
you're left with
nausea,
hot and cold sweats,
dizziness,
headaches,
and no appetite.
addiction is not
something to joke about.

Everything inside me
wants to stand in front of him
and scream
I would yell for hours about
how he's an ******* and
how much he hurt me and
how much I hate him
I would scream and scream
until my lungs couldn't take it
anymore
But I cant
because if I screamed
I'd be screaming empty words
empty threats
He wouldn't hear a thing I'd say
or he just wouldn't care
I cant because
I cant show him he means anything
There's no way
Id give him that power
that satisfaction
So every time I see him
whether it's running into him
or seeing him out of the corner of
my eye
I just smile
I smile and walk away
all while reminding myself
how much better I am
compared to him
and how much he doesn't mean to me
and how someone like him
will never be worth my breath

how can I tell her
that it's not always worth it
slipping under sheets with him
late at night

how can I tell her
that it's not always the truth
what you see standing
in the reflection of the mirror

how can I tell her
that buying another pack
and smoking another stick
isn't going to save her

how can I tell her
she'll one day stop
hopelessly loving him
the way she does now

how can I tell her
putting her mouth around
another bottle is just her
making another mistake

how can i tell her
crushing another pill
and snorting another line
won't silence the demons in her head

how can I tell her
all these oh so simple things
when truthfully I'm not so sure
I can believe them myself

when i look
in his eyes,
i see the stars.
every single one.
he's so good,
so sweet.
his smile can literally
light up any room.
he says
he can't believe it.
he says
i'm out of his league.
but,
when i look in the mirror
i look behind my eyes
and i still don't see
a future.
i'm reckless
and insane.
i'm disappointing.
i just can't
go through this
again.

I was sitting at dance class
Watching girls flip
backwards and forwards
I look at my phone
I have a missed call
11 minutes ago
He never calls unless...
unless its an emergency
I run out of the room
I call him back
"Hey"
Hey, is all he says
"Did you need something?"
"Yeah"
"Well, what is it?'
"I was wondering
where you were.
If you wanted to hang.
If you wanted to ****."
"Are you drunk?" I asked
He laughed
"Text me later"
I hung up.
This is the same boy
The same boy
That started rumors
saying I ***** him.
I tell myself
that I don't need him
But its so **** hard
to shake an addiction.

today
during school
this kid in my class
that i barely talk to
walked up to me
and put his fingers
around my bicep
as if he was
measuring
how small i've
gotten

you say my heart
is cold.
i'm sorry.
it's been shattered
so many times
freezing it
was the only way
i knew
to put it
back together.

Recently my favourite thing to do has been to try and think of what exactly I would do or say if you happened to be standing right in front of me again. Truthfully, I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if I'd scream, say all the angry words that have patiently waited on my tongue for so long. Or maybe I'd smile, swallow all those words no matter how sour they are and pretend like I don't actually hate you. Another option would be to stare at the ground as if I was waiting for it to jump up and scare me because there wouldn't be a thing I could say that wouldn't be a waste of my time. Dear god, I hope you never decide to come around. I hope you leave and never stop running. I don't think I'd ever been able to handle the explosions you set off with every step.

i just want you to know what it feels like to have your veins drenched in loneliness and your heart pounding with insecurities.

when I was young
I would ride my bike
down the sidewalk
and dream about one day
when i'd be old enough
to drive a car
it seemed so far away
now that i'm here
I do nothing but
wish I were young again
I miss riding my bike
playing in the rain
and not caring about
what anyone thought of me
one day
I swear to you
i'll feel young again

my mom came up
into my room tonight.
she said ive been getting
even smaller.
she made me show her
my hip bones
and my ribs.
my weight is at the point
where its scary.

now i know why
i always set fire
to his name

as long as i
say these things
about him
he'll hate me
and won't try to
come back yet
again

at least then
i can try to
continue
as though nothing
happened
and piece my
shattered life
back together

just know.
every tear,
every laugh,
every butterfly.
it's not because of you.

my big brother,
he's my everything.
but when i was admitted
into the hospital
i was so mad at him.
so ******* mad.
my mom
came to visit me
every day,
but he only came once.
it was a five minute visit
on his way to go see
his now ex girlfriend.
that was six months ago.
he has a fiancé now.
i sat down with her yesterday
and had a long talk.
i told her the story
and how mad i had been.
she looked at me with
those sad eyes
i see so often.
"he told me about that,"
she said,
"he told me that you
were mad.
but he also told me
he couldn't bear
to see you
when he's your
big brother
and he failed
to protect you."

i'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry
that i could only
think about you
while your entire life
is falling down
around you.
because of this,
you don't think
about me.
and,
because of this,
my life is
falling down around me
as well.
just don't
****
me.
no matter how much
i
beg.

i was adopted,
therefore,
my mom didn't
biologically
pass down any traits
to me.
not my eyes,
my hair,
or my smile.
but, you know what
she did give me?
my low self-esteem.

you don't know pain
until it's staring you
straight in the eyes.
this time
it's your mother.
she's tired and even
wilting.
and you're the reason why.

addiction is real
you hear about it
you see it
but do you understand it?
it's all in your head
you get a substance
over and over
day after day
and then when it's gone
you find you need it
but what if it happens
in other parts of your body?
what about your heart?
what about with
not a substance
but another human being
isn't it then so much
more complicated?
because this is another
living
breathing
human being
for whatever reason
they are no longer
a part of your daily ritual
i apologize
because nobody
nobody.
deserves to be addicted
when they didn't ask to be

I was the girl before
the love of your life.
I was the one who helped
you grow into who you are now.
But I was also the one
that was too painful to keep around.
I don't want to be the girl
that came and left without impact.
I hope you still see me
when you close your eyes at night.

carefully, i said
don't think this is weird
but i hate everything
about it
i'm absolutely addicted
but they taste like him.
with sad eyes she said
no hunny,
they do not taste like him
he tastes like them
and it opened my eyes
completely

when i say
my hearts been broken
i don't mean by some
high school boy
what i mean is
some days i just
cant get out of bed
i cant catch my breath
i cant be myself

Many of you know I've only ever had one man living in my house
Not my father, but my brother
Even considering, we've always been okay on our own
Until last summer rolled around
When the weather was hot my brother made a phone call
The conversation started with "hey dad"
"Dad" is not my blood though
To me "dad" is just Ben
Two short months later, Ben drove 3 hours and rolled up in our driveway
My driveway
My brother waved goodbye and then he was gone
Gone for over a week
I missed him so much
My mom, my aunt, my grandma
Everyone was asking me the same question
"Are you okay with this?"
Every single time I would smile
Smile and breathe and say, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm happy for him."
Truthfully I wanted to be okay with it
I wanted to be okay with it so badly because of how much I love my brother
But how could I be when he's getting the thing we've both wanted for so long
I know I sound selfish but I'm only telling the truth

how many more times
can we sit here and
tell each other lies
about how everything's
going to be okay?

i tried to make you understand
that i am nothing like her.
but you only knew her name.
so I turned to leave.
only then did you learn
what my name feels like
in your mouth.