No hunny,
heartbreak is not the worst pain
heartbreak is quick and easy
compared to what i'm about to explain
imagine seeing him every day
but each day knowing he's drifting
further and further away from you
yet he's still existent
he still calls you baby
he still tells you he loves you
but as you've noticed
it's less and less every single day
his smiles still light you up
but hes leaving you with
dark and empty
he used to be all about you
but last night when you told him
how much you were hurting
he replied with "ok"
you know you should just drop him
quick and easy
painless
but sweetheart,
i wish it was that simple

What does home mean to you?
To me...
It's absent
I don't have a home
Here it is Wednesday
and I haven't stepped foot
in my room since Saturday
I cant go back
Home is ruined now
The last time I saw it
It was covered in police
and tears
But I don't have a choice
I cant stay away forever

I was sitting at dance class
Watching girls flip
backwards and forwards
I look at my phone
I have a missed call
11 minutes ago
He never calls unless...
unless its an emergency
I run out of the room
I call him back
"Hey"
Hey, is all he says
"Did you need something?"
"Yeah"
"Well, what is it?'
"I was wondering
where you were.
If you wanted to hang.
If you wanted to ****."
"Are you drunk?" I asked
He laughed
"Text me later"
I hung up.
This is the same boy
The same boy
That started rumors
saying I ***** him.
I tell myself
that I don't need him
But its so **** hard
to shake an addiction.

I keep reading my writings over and over
And every time they become
More and more unreal
My life experiences are starting to
Sort of blend together
All the bad decisions
And terrible mistakes
It's just become who I am
It defines me now

"But you told me you just wanted to be friends"
I said sitting in his front seat confused
A half-empty bottle of Fireball sitting in my lap
His Soundcloud playlist ringing in my ears
"Friends can still have fun"
His words went around in my head
Again and again and again
He gave me more propositions
Until my dazed mind made it sound good
"Let me just finish my drink"
I look at the quarter bottle with nothing left to lose
Up to my mouth, it goes
Chug chug chug
He reaches over and pushes it towards the sky
Up up up
It's more than I can handle
But I cant give up now
I don't
We climb into the backseat
I'm a complete mess
Three times
Three times I hang out of the car to puke
Puke the drink he made me drink
Its been a month now
And he's not in my life
But here he is dragging me back into his
He's telling my school, his friends
That I ***** him
I got him drunk
And I ***** him
But hey
If that's what friends do

Everything inside me
wants to stand in front of him
and scream
I would yell for hours about
how he's an ******* and
how much he hurt me and
how much I hate him
I would scream and scream
until my lungs couldn't take it
anymore
But I cant
because if I screamed
I'd be screaming empty words
empty threats
He wouldn't hear a thing I'd say
or he just wouldn't care
I cant because
I cant show him he means anything
There's no way
Id give him that power
that satisfaction
So every time I see him
whether it's running into him
or seeing him out of the corner of
my eye
I just smile
I smile and walk away
all while reminding myself
how much better I am
compared to him
and how much he doesn't mean to me
and how someone like him
will never be worth my breath

There's something almost comforting
about not being able to sleep at night.
It's just you and the darkness.
Nothing can make you mad,
nothing can make you cry...
except yourself
You are the only one to blame tonight.

I was the girl before
the love of your life.
I was the one who helped
you grow into who you are now.
But I was also the one
that was too painful to keep around.
I don't want to be the girl
that came and left without impact.
I hope you still see me
when you close your eyes at night.

Yes and No

Yes, because there's absolutely nothing you can do to help me. There's no point in you just worrying about something that doesn't even matter.

No, because my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm bedridden and not sure why. I cant get through a full day of school anymore without having a mental breakdown. The same stupid things keep going through my head and I cant get people off my mind that never should've been there in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm not worth it.

Babygirl, look at yourself.
You couldnt even get through a full day of school because of the build-up of thoughts in your head.
Not that anybody even noticed you left.
You went straight home, claiming sickness, and got lost in your bed.
You slept all day because that way nobody could bother you whether existent or in your head.
You haven't eaten yet today and here it is, already 8:41 pm.
Your mom thinks you have the flu.
How could you explain to her whats going on when you can't even explain it to yourself?
Two people have asked if you're okay and you told them both yes because they just wouldn't understand.
Instead, you texted the only person you shouldn't because he's the first person you wanted to talk to.
You're absolutely shameful.
I think you're just waiting for somebody to explain to you why your head hurts and your heart feels heavy.
Waiting for someone to tell you why you constantly feel like crying without a reason, but nothing ever comes.
Waiting for someone to say why you can't stand to look at people who yesterday were your friends and drastically exaggerate every situation.
Your grades are slipping.
So why can't you get out of bed and do something about it?
You're a disgrace.
You deserve everything you're getting.

I made a decision.
I will never ever never
again let someone in.
Recently I let two
different people get close.
They got to know me
and then they left
as if it was only a vacation
and not a new home.
I guess I must've forgotten
to mention that I'm insane.
I am a human being.
Therefore I am outright
crazy.
I have normal human thoughts,
normal human dreams
but I can be obsessive.
I think I accept the love
I think I deserve.
So when someone
shows me affection
I grab on and never let go.
Then they leave
with the word
clingy
on their tongue.
So then I am forced to
saw off my left hand
and then on to my right one.
Then I no longer have the
capability to hold onto
what no longer
wants to hold onto me.

It was almost two months ago
yet it seems like it could've happened
just last night.
With tired eyes
I had spent a sleepless night
with my ear glued to my phone.
My best friend,
the one I loved the most,
was on the other end.
Crying.
He was crying
and telling me
he was planning to **** himself,
for real this time,
and it was all my fault.
My eyes were red and bloodshot.
They were puffy and swollen.
As he cried
he spoke words I'll never forget.
He said to me,
"You could've helped."
"You could've saved me."
I told him I loved him
in the ballpark of a million times.
Not one of them had a response.
Don't worry,
everything turned out okay.
He's alive and well.
Not well,
but alive.

addiction is real
you hear about it
you see it
but do you understand it?
it's all in your head
you get a substance
over and over
day after day
and then when it's gone
you find you need it
but what if it happens
in other parts of your body?
what about your heart?
what about with
not a substance
but another human being
isn't it then so much
more complicated?
because this is another
living
breathing
human being
for whatever reason
they are no longer
a part of your daily ritual
i apologize
because nobody
nobody.
deserves to be addicted
when they didn't ask to be

i used to think
loving myself
was hard
until
you came along.
you see,
you shouldn't learn
to love yourself
in spite of a person,
you should learn
to love yourself
along the side of
the person.

carefully, i said
don't think this is weird
but i hate everything
about it
i'm absolutely addicted
but they taste like him.
with sad eyes she said
no hunny,
they do not taste like him
he tastes like them
and it opened my eyes
completely

Many of you know I've only ever had one man living in my house
Not my father, but my brother
Even considering, we've always been okay on our own
Until last summer rolled around
When the weather was hot my brother made a phone call
The conversation started with "hey dad"
"Dad" is not my blood though
To me "dad" is just Ben
Two short months later, Ben drove 3 hours and rolled up in our driveway
My driveway
My brother waved goodbye and then he was gone
Gone for over a week
I missed him so much
My mom, my aunt, my grandma
Everyone was asking me the same question
"Are you okay with this?"
Every single time I would smile
Smile and breathe and say, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm happy for him."
Truthfully I wanted to be okay with it
I wanted to be okay with it so badly because of how much I love my brother
But how could I be when he's getting the thing we've both wanted for so long
I know I sound selfish but I'm only telling the truth

Someone actually asked me if I was okay today
I smiled and said yeah
They asked again
I shook my head no
They asked me what was wrong
I told them I was tired
How the hell was I supposed to explain the war that's going on inside my head
How do I say the thoughts that I've thought late at night while the tears stream down my face
How do I explain that I'm worthless and I've given up on myself
Being tired was just an easier option
It would still explain the puffy eyes and slouched shoulders

I was born on April 5th in Harlan, Iowa. I've always hated when snow is still sitting on the ground by then.
My mom never once showed me affection, bringing me to parties and leaving me with strangers.
What about my dad, you ask? I'll dig in my desk drawer and find the piece of paper that lists seven possibilities because I've always craved what I'll never have.
But on a happier note, I was adopted as a three-month-old baby.
I spent my childhood with my nose shoved in a book way above my expected reading level.
By the fourth grade, I was in love with sports, especially, soccer.
My alcoholic grandpa was by far my biggest role model because I could only see light in people at that age. About once a season I'd see his rickety old truck pull up on the wrong side of the field to get a front row seat of my soccer game.
When I was thirteen my grandpa passed away. I still watch every Cubs game for him and dream of travelling the east coast like he always used to do.
By the time I was fourteen I was into the most popular things at my high school, they definitely weren't in my best interest. You see, I've always tried too hard to fit in.
Yes, I'm hearing all this about who you used to be, but Callie, who are you now?
Who am I now?
Well.
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.
My favorite color is light blue.
I have an older brother, whom I love dearly.
I love watching football and screaming at the t.v. during any Dallas or Iowa State game.
I'm proud of my home team in every possible sport and cheer as loud as I can when we're winning and even when we're not.
I love watching That '70s Show while sipping an Arnold Palmer.
My home away from home is walking the beaches of Okoboji until it gets chilly enough to start a bonfire.
My biggest passion is, by far, playing soccer. I love the feeling of strapping on shin guards and tightening cleats before I run out of the locker room all hunched over trying to get my hair in a ponytail and get outside so I have enough time to warm up before practice.
I wake up every single morning to my alarm of my favorite music with a smile on my face ready for the day to begin.
Stop.
I said who are you now?
I mean really. Who are you?
Who am I now?
Well.
Sometimes I dream about getting married to some boy without a face, just to take his last name and rid the sin that comes along with being a Richter.
I cried in the bathroom stall at school the first time I heard a rumor that was spread about me. I tell everyone that by now I'm used to it, but the truth is each one buries me again.
I throw myself into physical activity and school sports because the sweat and heavy breathing puts my mind at ease and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Throwing myself into my school work obviously, doesn't have the same effect.
The boys at school still give me side glances, give me propositions, and make wisecracks about me being easy because maybe they'll have a chance, not to date me but to get with me because of rumors they heard over a year ago.
I'm so insecure about so much of myself that most days I would much rather crawl under a rock and die than show my face in the hallways between the bells.
Don't tell anyone I told you this though.
You must keep it a secret.
I mean, what would people think if they knew?
I think it's better off that they just see me as...
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.

I came across a picture of you
It was a picture of you
With some other girl
I looked at it
And looked at it
And looked at it
Funny thing is
I couldn't feel anything
I didn't feel anything
I swear to you, I tried
I wanted so bad
to be jealous
Because you're mine
And only mine
But guess what
That never happened
I never felt jealous
I guess I realized long ago
That you'll be there
Around every corner
And that you'll come for me
Whenever possible
But, pal
You sure as hell
Ain't mine

Recently my favourite thing to do has been to try and think of what exactly I would do or say if you happened to be standing right in front of me again. Truthfully, I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if I'd scream, say all the angry words that have patiently waited on my tongue for so long. Or maybe I'd smile, swallow all those words no matter how sour they are and pretend like I don't actually hate you. Another option would be to stare at the ground as if I was waiting for it to jump up and scare me because there wouldn't be a thing I could say that wouldn't be a waste of my time. Dear god, I hope you never decide to come around. I hope you leave and never stop running. I don't think I'd ever been able to handle the explosions you set off with every step.

It's so devastating how your world can be falling apart one day and the next you could be finding yourself smiling at nothing. After a while, it'll throw you off balance. Believe me when I say you need to reach out and take hold of both ends of your world and pull everything together when it seems impossible. Do it for nobody but you.

I wish you understood as much as you think you do
Maybe then I wouldn't break down quite as much
You know what happened, the baseline of my insanity
But I want you to know how I feel towards the boy who dropped me, my ex-best friend, and the one I'm in love with
I want you to understand
everything that's going on in my head
The way it spins when I remember the details of last weekend
The way it pounds when I see them together
The way it screams when the same thing happens to me over and over again
But how could you understand
If I'm being honest, I don't even understand myself
I don't know how to prevent my sob fests
I'm not sure why I let it all get to me
But I do
It eats me from the inside out and I know I can't be the only one
So why do I feel so alone?
Throw a punch,
Shove me around,
Cut me deep.
Physical pain is better than emotional
You can't fix what's throwing your body off guard with a **** band-aid
It'd be easier to fix a bullet wound with one
This generation is so messed up
Everyone's hurting and nobody's willing to help
It takes a tv show for people to realize that there are others hurting more than you
And everyone's first reaction is to be mean, to tear you apart
I just can't stand it anymore
Don't tell me it'll be different
That only time will tell
I've heard it a million times and it's all a big lie
The same thing will happen over and over and over again
Like a broken record, if you even know what that is anymore
She's always going to bully me
And the fears always going to be with me
He's always going to treat me like I'm nothing
And I'm always going to let him
She's always going to stab me in the back
And I'm always going to pretend like I don't notice
And ten years from now I'll look back and realize that I was right
The same thing happened again and again just with different faces
I miss her
I need him
I crave you
I just want unconditional love and a decent nights sleep
Is that really too much to ask?

ask me.
ask me why I believe in you
the way that I do.
stronger then you've ever known
and stronger then you'll ever feel again.
you don't understand.
i dare you, just ask me.
i'll tell you how brave you are.
how strong, kind, generous.
how you could move the mountains
and conquer the sun.
i believe in you because you're independent.
you do what you want without a care in the world.
because you take that leap of faith
even when no one else will.
and for all those reasons and more,
i not only believe in you,
i also love you.
more and more every ******* day.

i just want you to know what it feels like to have your veins drenched in loneliness and your heart pounding with insecurities.

i'm lying here
in my bed
trying to forget you
but i'm finding
that it's impossible
when the only thing
i know how to do
is crave you

how can I tell her
that it's not always worth it
slipping under sheets with him
late at night

how can I tell her
that it's not always the truth
what you see standing
in the reflection of the mirror

how can I tell her
that buying another pack
and smoking another stick
isn't going to save her

how can I tell her
she'll one day stop
hopelessly loving him
the way she does now

how can I tell her
putting her mouth around
another bottle is just her
making another mistake

how can i tell her
crushing another pill
and snorting another line
won't silence the demons in her head

how can I tell her
all these oh so simple things
when truthfully I'm not so sure
I can believe them myself

i tried to make you understand
that i am nothing like her.
but you only knew her name.
so I turned to leave.
only then did you learn
what my name feels like
in your mouth.