Sleep comes creeping into your eyelids, tears stain your cheeks. It won’t be long until you won’t feel your heart beat.

You drown in numbness and when you awake, the pain of the memory jolts in your brain.

Staring at the ceiling with it’s chipped paint, wishing you could go back into that wasteland where you felt no pain.

Just the bliss of forgetting. Or not remembering.

You wonder how you can face the day with this hopeless bubble encasing your essence.

How can you go on living when there’s nothing in your chest pumping the blood?

Just a gaping chunk of splayed veins, their ends frayed.

Your ends frayed, as well.

he's more than just some boy
with black hair
or eyes that peer from behind trees.
i know because
when he sits on my bed
or my couch
or my chair
or my floor
it's like he's always been there.
apart of a drawing or a painting
something permanent
but i didn't noticed until
his physical form
accumulated in my life.

when a boy wants your body
kick him in the mouth
make him bleed a torrent of red
and watch the fear flow out of you
into him
then leave, button up your shirt,
tell yourself you cannot be burned,
and light that ******'s
house on fire.

giants sleeping in october
our bodies frayed like scarecrows.
there is a glowing face
amongst the darkness

severed hands
that used to clasp
turned to ash
blown away on hot air
eyes pooling upon the horizon
//                  
this is the world
when a heart weeps.

when i see your face under the traffic lights
my lungs go numb
my heart a lion's roar.
i want every lock of your
dark dark hair
curled around my pale fingers
and your freckles laughing
my promises
won't die.
not for you,
never for you.

the moon hung like
a bulb in the sky
the windows were broken in,
gaping holes in the buildings,
hollow eyes
no longer weeping.
the air was gritty
and we stood huddled sharing a
smoke.
a man nearby waved about and screamed
tormented by demons
that nobody could see-
just a frothing mouth
reeking of *****
and i felt sad
thinking of
fragility

mouth wide open
face upturned
god smiles down on you-
i know this because
of the way the light filters
through the clouds
just right
into the pools of your eyes;
perfection like that
can only be explained
by heavenly
grace.

I hold a longing in my throat
it aches and sears as i try to choke it down

clogged like a pipe
my breathing slows

have you ever wanted something so badly,
that you just forget everything else?

Forget the way small fingers feel wrapped in your hands-
the gift that keeps on giving
Forget the black plague that his lies fed into my bloodstream;
I even sometimes forget the reason for living

You see
I'm blinded by this lust
to fit in
to find a place warm with belonging
But I can't forget
what is important

How your palms cup me softly
when the world is damp-
make me realize
that all along
I had somewhere.

i remember how the room went blue
when i laid eyes on you.
like the lucid light reflected from a pool,
and i wasted no time
diving straight into
your waters

send her with a ribbon
and "i'm sorry"
on her lips
because girls should feel ashamed
of the bodies they possess.

hello walls
and emptied hearts
echoing like grand caverns
stalagmites dripping crimson
the bitter taste coating my tongue
when the night grows weary
my mind becomes a frigid place
alaska in months of darkness
the sun far away

Orange plastic bottles
filled with pills
that slide down my throat
like cherry pits
1,2,3
i'll take more
until it's all empty
and i've fallen to the floor

poetry is my ******* therapy
coffee is my god
cheap ***** numbs the pain
but hey at least i still made
the choice
to go on
living

your ****** body hangs
a flower to be plucked
your ****** body
is a door that you can open up

so it was like this...
so it was like when you convince yourself
you're in love
you tell yourself you're inlove
he tells you he's in-love
so anything that happens is out-of-love;
his body was a weight on mine
his body was a sunken ship on mine
my body wanted release
but it's okay, because he was in love with me?
his body slipped into mine,
it pushed
and it shoved
but it's okay because we were in love.
my body felt shut off
from the nerves that make up my
senses,
my mind escaped up into the ceiling,
i can picture those ceilings so well,
blank and textured
and the ***** light
leaving brown shadows
on the walls.
i watched the dust motes clumsily waltz
to a silent tune.
i wished i could hear that tune.
his body was a weight on mine
my body was empty
but it was okay
because we were in love.
it was okay because he loved me.
but i didn't feel anything

living inside a prism
that reflects the light
and breaks it into fragmented colors
that stain the white hallways,
your breath a sandstorm
my hands crave skin
any skin
my hands crave hands
and pumping bodies
to fill a void larger than the empty matter
that surrounds
our drooping heads.
my stomach is a green house
of sticky moisture
sickly green
the roots between my lungs
were ripped out with calloused fingers
and i don't think i've ever been held
with the intent to instill comfort.
no lips to kiss my bones and cloak
them in the idea
of having an existence that
isn't so
completely    alone

i am quiet when you
lay me on the bed
when your forest eyes
swallow me whole,
slowly removing my clothes.
my skin is pale
with freckles to match yours
and your forest eyes
catch on fire
and i've never before
felt so beautiful.

i fell apart like egg shells
the whites of my eyes
hard boiled

i found a smile behind the clouds
i wanted to stay there
but i had to come back down

because broken things
cannot fly
and under water
i'm screaming goodbye

a ****** is quick
a heartbreak is a slow
death
that leaves your blood trailing
upon the walls in every room
and ghosts dance around your eyes
memories that haunt every corner
where our hands touched
and we laughed
a sound like pure crystal
that was lost in the echos
when our hearts
turned cold.

vibrations underneath
of the cries of souls buried deep.
i wish i could go to them,
to answer their pleas.
so much is wrong
with what i see
so much bad energy.
i cannot escape, i cannot run.
the hem of my dress is nailed
down tight to wood.
helpless as helpless gets,
i watch as the painted faces
of children melt like
candle wax
after the flame has long been
blown out.

some people become walking tombs,
others swallow the sun.
my mother's hands were funeral flowers
and my heart an early grave.
all i tasted in my throat was ash
and the world's decay.

we are impossible beings
with meat scrap hearts
rope burned tongues.
life drones on in this weary sort of
sonata
beautifully sad,
a whining violin with empty chords.
bedrooms frighten me
because
its just do this
and then hands are scraping around in my pants.
this type of thing becomes normalcy
and the thunder roars and i can hear your
******* throat screeching
at me from darkened rooms with
broken ceiling fans.

and you taught me heartache


a lesson i was bound to learn
you so aptly delivered the lecture;
that i could never be the same

i refrain from sharp objects
because i remember the pain
SHARP THINGS 101
came after your class of
DEPLETED LOVE

what they never tell you
in school
is how scars look
when they've faded
in the right light
it glows under translucent skin
a test i excelled in.

lie awake
with the wilted presence
of mistakes
running down my arms
cotton fills my throat
i stay silent in your company
some day ill know what to say
but then you'll be oceans away
**** this is stupid
words
meaningless
stomach
sick with
poems about you

Let me keep you warm
From the sorrowful winter storm
With my hand on yours

can we go back
to that evening
where the sun and the moon
shared the sky
and all around us,
was a haze of pink fuzz
and birds flew overhead
dipping down into the water
dipping down into our veins
our flesh an entanglement
of one
human
body.
the waves,
i remember,
they were lucid
and always changing colors.
blue to green to white froth dusted in sunset.
can we go back to that evening
where the universe
decided to reflect
the appendages in our chests
and the love swirling in our eyes.

you slithered
into my lungs
choked my voice
didn't let me run
you crushed my ribs
now you want back
back into my garden
but you see,
everything is growing, finally

I've opened my chest up
so many times
a floodgate of feeling
rushing rushing.

I fear all that's left
are tiny droplets;
that sometimes drip
when you grasp my hands.

I wish I could have held it all in,
so I'd have more to give.

Feeling encased in a pod
of solitude,
like a slumbering princess
enclosed in a crystal coffin-
alone in a world of sorrow
far off and out of reach.
Maybe my enchantment is flimsy,
and even in sleep I age,
becoming a pillow case too
large to fit properly on a cushion
-my skin swallows my bones-
and when the hope of my fair love's lips
arrive to my chamber,
they draw back in disgust-
the dream of a warm soft kiss
retreating to the shadows
leaving me to rust until my body
sinks into the earth-
like sunken treasure,
lost to the cold confinement
of the sea.

i tried to **** myself
a year ago-
a year ago
i wasn't me
a year today
i've experienced
so many things
that a year ago
i would have
missed out on
had i
a year ago
succeeded
in death
so a year today
i'm quite thankful
my
[heart still beats in my chest]

I am unhappy*,
This thought, this emotion, tears through my being like an angry wind leaving despair and destruction in its wake.
It feels as if I'm merely floating in places, day in and day out, with the simple,
itchy realization that nothing matters.
Nothing can make me feel.
I've bottled all dreams, wishes, desires, and hopes into tiny little cans to be passed out,
sold for the highest price;
Leaving me empty, but not quite...
There's still an awareness I hold of the desolate
heart I own.
And there isn't anything more agonizing than that.

just be more than your body.
more than blood that runs in currents
and arms and fists and teeth
that cut through midnight predators.
because when they steal your body;
it isnt so bad.

power comes in simple
uncomplicated motions
like wind through trees
spin spin spin
until dizziness sinks in
and you can plop right
next to me
and i'll clear your head,
get you back on track
again

when i whisper your name
to the darkness in my room
can you hear it?
can you hear my voice coming through?

will you ever know
the way my garden grows
how i tend it with thoughts of you?
here i'll plant your smiles
and the golden flecks in your eyes
and over there i'll water with care
the seeds you've given me of your love.

And when winter comes
to blunder my harvests
i'll slip off my skin
and lay it across the precious parts of you,
so i'll keep you safe
i'll keep you warm
even if it means
that i will be cold
and unarmed.

That's what I'll do,
although I can't tell you how,
just know when the time comes
you will have no doubts
of the silent love
i cultivate for you.

eyes like acid drops
i want to float in an ethereal
light where
colors meld together like melting metal
and this cold blue inside me
could be white hot and burning
instead of empty and confusing
an ice age of yearning.
what is this thing where
we are supposed to become somebody,
18 and no heart to beat,
how do you know what bills to pay
and **** i'm going to college where i have to do coin laundry
but my fingers aren't even working.

and the morning was dripping
landing in fragments
not quite a quiet hurricane.
she was more mist than anything
and nostalgia has you in its grip,
running its soft lullabies across your neck
the goosebumps telling a story no one ever
knew.
now you hang open in your past
and your skin becomes the rain streaked
window pane
soaking through
the living room curtains.

as a human race
we strive to achieve the unattainable.
to play god;
to become god.
but what we don't understand-
is that we are unraveling
every bit
of ourselves in the process.
morphing into fallen angels
lost from good graces
  and trapped in cold
empty undergrounds
moving backwards
instead
of

   looking
up

eyes bloodshot
awakening even in dreams
the dead may rest
but never the living

we're broken glass
a cerulean summer
that makes you sigh
under waves
of ocean

the clouds they hung
tightly against my heart
a rainstorm of goodbyes

i won't apologize for being naked,
for having this body god gave me.
i will always love couch change
and my grandmother's knitted
sweater.
no one can take me away,
and a push is not a
touch and these bruises aren't
my fault
and the lies you hear
about me
are ok,
but i won't apologize
for what they think
they know
because
this is my story to tell.

thought i had a shot
in this wide wide place

all the arms closed around me
suffocating
not embracing

the needles slide precariously  
through my skin

never again
never again

Right there
In the spot between my legs,
fuzzy with peach hair,
it aches
it sears with a burn


how do they think its beautiful?
Because honestly
it just ******* hurts.

lonely on the road
isolated, cracked asphalt
ground zero
Picking apart my skull
so my brain may expand
and breathe;
and fall into the heavy
vortex of my throat
where the universe
lumps itself