lying with my ear
cupped to your chest
your heart spilling its
secrets to me
your warm living body
soothes me
comforts me
our breathing slows
into one deep sigh
a sigh for this moment
a sigh to slow down time
a sigh for feeling
incredibly alive.

CD's and guitar strings
Kisses in the rain and apologetic coffee stains
Scribblings of heartfelt declarations
and dreamy records spinning in time
to the drumming of our fingers.
Your face illuminated in the street lights,
your words like silver fish scales
skimming through the water,
making ripples in my heart.

power comes in simple
uncomplicated motions
like wind through trees
spin spin spin
until dizziness sinks in
and you can plop right
next to me
and i'll clear your head,
get you back on track
again

Orange plastic bottles
filled with pills
that slide down my throat
like cherry pits
1,2,3
i'll take more
until it's all empty
and i've fallen to the floor

our bedrooms are damp
from the leaks
and the cracks
in the walls
in the pipes
in the roof
in our hearts
in our minds
in our smiles
in our tears.

spider legs
enter under
thin skin

webs of desire
capture the *****
secrets hidden
in crevices
of bare
nakedness

tying knots
in nooses,
stringing our necks
like christmas tree
lights
glowing yellow
on glittering snow.

clockwork
hearts
strike midnight
and the haze
disperses

what is here
is the nuts and
bolts
spewed from
iron lungs
tiring of forgiveness
and valentine
card love

**** format
i'll place my words

wherever
                              i
want




         how           ever   i want

and if you    disapprove
                                       go read




Shakespeare.

Cream colored
roses hang
daintily from hips
a ballet of
pure innocence

The night scrapes
with blue feathery
tendrils
coursing like
water and streams of rain.

Your mouth opens
like a fountain
and i throw
in a copper coin;
a wish for our future
to maybe
someday
exist
in the particles of
clouds and anchors
of ships.

before
my body
was a dump.
a place for him to fill with
trash
to relieve himself
of hormonal
frustration.

i
felt
worthless.
i never wanted
it again.
never wanted
hands
upon my
skin.

but
then
you found me.
curled around
dumpsters.

you picked
me up
softly.
and unfurled
my petals,
and i thought
you were the sun.

because
for once
i wanted my
body
to
open
up
and
be filled
instead
with
love.

i try and talk
and get to know
the person that
i hope you are.

i have those moments where
i think,
this is it,
you're really not as shallow as a sink.

but then you talk about clothes
and expensive things
and how your daddy
gives you money
as often as the
average person breathes.

truly i am sorry,
dear lord knows i tried
but if i hear one more
word about parties
and lip colors
and hair dye
i think i might scream
and suffocate you
in your sleep.

when i whisper your name
to the darkness in my room
can you hear it?
can you hear my voice coming through?

will you ever know
the way my garden grows
how i tend it with thoughts of you?
here i'll plant your smiles
and the golden flecks in your eyes
and over there i'll water with care
the seeds you've given me of your love.

And when winter comes
to blunder my harvests
i'll slip off my skin
and lay it across the precious parts of you,
so i'll keep you safe
i'll keep you warm
even if it means
that i will be cold
and unarmed.

That's what I'll do,
although I can't tell you how,
just know when the time comes
you will have no doubts
of the silent love
i cultivate for you.

17
she's 17
stuck in a disney dream
waiting for a chance
to soar above skyscrapers
and discover
the identity of infinity
but she's closed in this door,
a purgatory of grown up feelings
and little kid sensitivity,
to trust too easily
oh 17
she's 17
but she just wants to be somebody.

Glued in a sea of honey,
like a sugar thirsty fly
trapped and floating
throughout the negative
space our excess
of energy creates.

i plead my apologies
to jesus hoping
god will save me
from the
wolves
-the lamb i once was-
aren't i the predator now?
how will i repent
when a train ticket
destined for hell
has my fate stamped
across it?

Slipped into the pattern
of a chain-link fence
I'm repeating myself
with metal hands and fists
breaking down this barrier
that comes with the methods
of growing up,
dusting off the child-like
lines on our bodies
replacing them with
studded jewelry and
lipstick stains
Oh how I wish I could
close my veins and
cease the constant
endeavors of numbing
my brain
with toxins
meant to halt the
insane, monotonous path
of parallel lanes.

So when you feel sad
you take a hit,
a puff of sweet acrid wind
to blow you away
across the dark expanse of the day.

You leave me deep in the shadows
while you float above it all
like a blimp
sailing over industrial grime.

What escapes me
is simply this:
you have me,
you have my hand
and I have wings
that can carry us both
because i don't need
medication.

I have something more
potent than that.
Even when I forget;
it's still there.
The hope that blinds
my pupils
like an
Aztec sun.

Come back down
and we'll run bare foot
across this town,
but i can't race someone
that isn't here.

The excuses on your lips
make me wish
your tongue was a dull dead thing.

The teeth chatter
like insect wings
scraping my ears
burning my cheeks.

Empty like my stomach,
my mind whirls
why do we care
so much
about the ones
stuck too deep
in this world that's
******?

As if through some
amazing feat
we could change the way
they breathe.

No,
go home,
be lost to sleep
because your efforts
are sad
and unfailingly weak.

thought i had a shot
in this wide wide place

all the arms closed around me
suffocating
not embracing

the needles slide precariously  
through my skin

never again
never again

i'm threading my worries and my woes
creating a trail of gray wherever i go.

the snow queen would be frightened of me
because stone splinters ice
and my heart is a hammer

clanging in my metal esophagus
smoke and grime billow through my teeth

make me a being absent of feeling.

Let me keep you warm
From the sorrowful winter storm
With my hand on yours

The bitter black coffee slides down my throat
I wince at the taste and the headache
as a result of last night

Oh but this is what I live for.
the excitement of forgetting

Of becoming someone else.
A carefree girl
who never passes up a dare,
who tips the bottle back
taking on the burn
without a swig of anything else to make
it go down easy.

Cause' the thing is,
I won't go down easy,
i can't.
I want rules so i can defy them

I want those crazy nights
filled with adrenaline
and legs sprawled on moonlit grass

Not the normal lull
of a life planned out,
sitting patiently on a grocery shelf
ready to be taken home for dinner
to feed the kids and the greetings of the
"honey, I'm home" 's
followed by an empty kiss.

No, not me.
First, I'll paint my body
blue and black
because i welcome the bruises.
I'll burn out long before
you can catch me with an
apron tied around my waist
and a platter full of fresh, hot cakes.

sip my lips,
drink me in
until nothing quite makes sense.
let my lungs fill your lungs
with an intoxicating fume.
smoke rings,
ripped jeans,
natty-bo's,
midnight shower endeavors,
the timidness of bare skin.

all the necessary ingredients
in concocting young love.
make me the subject of your songs
and we'll gaze at the stars
on those bright chilly nights.

a perfect pattern that fits together
like the quilt of life.

The world feels like its breaking
when you discover your parents are, in fact,
humans too.
What is a girl to do,
when she realizes they make mistakes too?
How can she cope when
the rocks she envisioned in her mind
are nothing more or less than her, herself?

What does it mean when she discovers they are
one in the same?
Is this what its like to grow up,
when you find the pieces
scattered on the ground,
and have no one else to turn to,
no wings to shield,
Just your bleeding fingers
as you pick up
the broken shards,
All by yourself.

The wet, neon light spills on the pavement
Like animated paint.
Cars and people rush by
A cacophony of the future, industry, and hurried time.

But my love for you is simpler,
It's slower, like the soft flutter of eyes,
How a flower unfurls its petals
every second filled with a fragrance,
growing stronger.
Like muted snowflakes
drifting down to rest
Coating the earth in its peaceful caress.
My heart hums a gentle rhythm until suddenly,
it becomes a song.
A consistent feeling that won't become a city skyline,
or a technological gadget replaced by tomorrow,
but something solid
like ground under our feet,
and the blood flowing between.

Right there
In the spot between my legs,
fuzzy with peach hair,
it aches
it sears with a burn


how do they think its beautiful?
Because honestly
it just ******* hurts.

My body has become a wasteland
My skin crawls with decay
You open my flesh
Analyzing the fossils,
the fingerprints of past lies.
Can this cage hold my soul,
I'm separate from it all
The sewage water running
through my pores,
Recreating over recycled trash.
Lock my limp form
in the county dump
so I can rot
Alone
with no one's
razor sharp
touch
to hurt and scorn.
Just matter decomposing
with the worms.

I give away poems like
I give away my virtues
Little children's laughter
makes my heart grow sick-
I'm reminded of my rusted innocence
When God shielded me
from the evils
of self-inflicted corruption
From dark, shady street corners,
and boys with blue eyes.
From false declarations
and
Empty, numb thighs.

Bitter, sugar sweet
Tongues dancing too close to cheeks
Flushed with red red heat

Your soft touch curls around my bones,
my blood thrumming in time
to the pitches of your voice.
Like gentle fluttering wings,
my eyelashes caress thy cheek,
creating a vibe of harmony.
The candle light casts our
shadows against the wall,
the silhouettes shuddering
with the framework of an embrace-
Shattering the outside world
Together we'll hang in this moment,
Our fingers remaining
entwined-
Tearing them apart would be
dubbed a crime.

Red angry agony
accuses
your wrists
with slashes of uncomfortably
raised skin
rolling like roiling roaring
waves
in an ocean so black
so desolate
so misplaced.

You showed me the stars
But didn't promise me
they were mine,
and I thank you for that.

Because false trust
never lasts.

Keep your virtues lined along your shelves,
like pretty painted china dolls.
So fragile and pure, but so easily cracked,
with the force of concrete
and dirt.

Your grubby fingernails
cannot veil your thinly coated lies.
A coil of lace
simply won't erase
the disgust you
parade upon your brow.

During the hazy summer days,
I'll reap and sow
the last tears of my love.
And once they're
buried below,
nothing will grow.
Because what you made me feel
was plastic
and plastic seeds
grant no life;
instead
they linger
while time wears on
the darkness enveloping
the hope they never
possessed.
Forgotten,
Along with the decent memories of you.

Sickly sticky sweet dribble
trickles from your lips.

A dog foaming at the mouth.
You want what you want
So why shouldn't you get it?
Even if it means the claws are coming out.

Disgusting fiends
***** bottom feeders.

Go back to the shadows whence you came,
And pray no more on the weak's shame.

She's there

In the back of the room

In a too-big, quirky sweater.

You'll see her,
with her hair falling like rain.
The clouds accumulating on her face

And like the sea,
she wants to reach far,

but always returns
to
the
shore.

My innocence is lost.
The years I've spent understanding the world
diminish the child-like light
I've held inside.
I used to mourn the loss of life,
I used to cry for my sins,
Now I swim in them.
I emerge,
dripping the blood of the sacrificed lambs,
I run,
savage.
I lust,
I moan for passion,
For corruption.
And it grows
deep inside
my gut,
ripping through the downy duckling feathers.
I was born in this world, and I will die in it.
But I will die me,
Incredibly raw,
Intangible,
me.

All we have is
here.
Greedy for tomorrow.
Forgot yesterday, again.


If we could only remember;
the delusions would cease.
Our hearts could just *be

I wish I could float on by through life,
Letting the fingerprints fade.

A balloon slipped loose
from a child's fragile grasp.

No one will cry
when I'm
simply a speck;
popped
into oblivion

Feeling encased in a pod
of solitude,
like a slumbering princess
enclosed in a crystal coffin-
alone in a world of sorrow
far off and out of reach.
Maybe my enchantment is flimsy,
and even in sleep I age,
becoming a pillow case too
large to fit properly on a cushion
-my skin swallows my bones-
and when the hope of my fair love's lips
arrive to my chamber,
they draw back in disgust-
the dream of a warm soft kiss
retreating to the shadows
leaving me to rust until my body
sinks into the earth-
like sunken treasure,
lost to the cold confinement
of the sea.

Loneliness is a disease, that stifles and disfigures.
It is the side of the bed, ****** of all warmth.
The motivation behind the blade, with a cold sharp tongue,
that digs into tender sorrow.
It is the constant shadow, an illusion of company.
It is the definite reminder of why you're always feeling this way.

I am unhappy*,
This thought, this emotion, tears through my being like an angry wind leaving despair and destruction in its wake.
It feels as if I'm merely floating in places, day in and day out, with the simple,
itchy realization that nothing matters.
Nothing can make me feel.
I've bottled all dreams, wishes, desires, and hopes into tiny little cans to be passed out,
sold for the highest price;
Leaving me empty, but not quite...
There's still an awareness I hold of the desolate
heart I own.
And there isn't anything more agonizing than that.

Beat.
Numb.

Limply still.

Look at what you've done.
A spirit;
broken.

Warm lazy light drips like honey along the brim of Summer's end,
Children scurry up to bed,
and the fairies hide away, once again.
My skin is still peppered in freckles,
and my feet still smelling of baked clay,
the Earth embedding it's footprint at the close of the day.

You look at me, like the last time, with eyes not revealing much.
Another drag of your cigarette, the            s
                                                ­              m
                                                 ­                       o

                                       ­                               k
                                ­                                             e
Curling around your patronizing stare.
With a flick of ash the sky turns to gray.
You whisper goodbye,
but I just wish you would have decided instead,
                             to stay.

I was walking down an old dirt path.
Quite forgotten and out of the way,
I thought to myself, "I want to fall in love today."
Being naive, I didn't know what that would mean.

I pushed the feathery leaves from my face and ventured upon an acidic lake.
Poisson bubbled up from the surface and the atmosphere went as hot as a furnace.
I felt the heat tearing at my skin, and I thought the blisters would be my end.

Until, suddenly, an icy cold hand pulled me away from that horrific land.
Eyes, as freezing as the fingertips, searched my pale expression, never wavering.
I felt them surround me, but strangely didn't seem to mind.

"Thank you for saving me," I managed a quivering smile.
The purple-blue lips parted in reply,
"Nothing comes without a cost. Pretty birds that sing, are locked away in iron cages because their songs are so tempting. I ask that you remove your heart and place it in my hold for safekeeping."

Nodding my thanks, I sunk my fingers through my chest to pull my offering of love from my body.
His hands shot out too fast and snatched the most vulnerable belonging I own from my grasp.
Startled, I tried to stuff feelings of loss and sorrow down into the soles of my feet.

"Wont you stay?" I dared ask, but before I could hope for a reply, a frozen wind came and left only emptiness in its wake.