I honestly don’t know what to do anymore it’s like I’m ******* self sabotaging every relationship I have without even intending to, it’s like I want someone to understand and to be able to open up to someone yet I have all these guards up and manipulate my way to have control over the situation. It doesn’t help that talking about my feelings or trying to justify myself makes me super destructive and it’s all just out of my hands maybe I should grow the **** up and stop expecting people to know what’s going on or how to treat me if they have no idea what’s happening inside my head I can’t handle it I’m so scared. I’m scared that this has become my reality and that it will never ever get better because that’s what mental illnesses are right, they’re all in your head but then they become ingrained into your personality and they become who you are and I’ve become the ******* person I vowed I’d never become I’m a ******* monster I don’t deserve anything anymore. I keep having these episodes and they’re becoming more and more frequent and more destructive each cycle this has moved far beyond my control and I have no energy left to try and contain it anymore

i am tired
i am tired of failure
and tired of life
i am crying for help
but am afraid of crying out loud
the cries that i do shout out
come in fits of anger
and rage

love is within me, i know
but i am having a hard time
letting it embrace me
i tremble at the thought of waking
one more day
only to cause pain
and to hurt the ones i love
her, who has been my reason for going on
is the one and only person i will truly miss
if this is successful

life i know is hard
and everyone faces their trials
and tribulations
but for me
i am tired of the trials
i have grown weak and weary
as i see the pain and anguish
that has come forth
as a result of my actions

life is supposed to be enjoyable
and beautiful
not miserable
and empty
i have made my bed through this life
and i am now pulling back the covers
to lay in it
the bed that i have made is one
of pain and self pity
pain from knowing true love
and not having the sense to embrace it
and cherish it
as it should be cherished
self pit from allowing myself to be
dragged down to the depth of resolve
by the means of my own mind

i sit here and think of her
laying in bed, sleeping
and in her mind possibly thinking of
"what have i done wrong?"
please be assured and know that it is not you
the problem is me
i loved you
out of care and
out of the beauty of your soul
i have broken our relationship
by allowing myself to slip into this slate
and not share with you the pain in my life
my pain is from fear
fear of reliving what i have know as a child
i see myself as that "man" that i so despise
and in my mind i am slowly becoming
everything that he is
i am not giving of myself
as a girlfriend should be with her lover
her friend
i hold pain inside and it comes out
in cries of anger and blame
i do not wish to go on with the knowledge
that i hurt you
you are what has kept me going this far
but sooner or later
a girl has to do for herself
i have tried to do for myself
but i no "self" left
i am here and there
i am a name of a computer screen
in other parts of the world
i am a "nice girl" to people
who don't even know me as being real
i am not me, i am just here
and i have found that
when you are "just here"
that is when life is over "there"
and then you are no longer living it
you are just a face in the crowd

forgive me for the feelings that i have right now
i do not know if when you read this
i will be sitting in my bedroom watching tv
or if i will be unconscious
or if i will be finally at rest
it may be a sign of a sick mind
but i pray that i am allowed to leave
i can not decide anymore

you are forever my love
God, i do love you
and i wish i had the strength to call you
and tell you
but i am so ashamed of the fate that i
am trying so hard to accomplish

do you ever feel like sometimes love is not enough? the word love is such a ******* weird word. sometimes i love being with you and sometimes you drive me ******* crazy. sometimes i love the idea of blood dripping down my arms and sometimes i love the idea of being strong. being strong is another ******* weird word; strength is not a thing that can be defined by a dictionary, it is defined through a persons personal experiences in which they deem themselves ‘strong’. sometimes i think i am strong and sometimes i think i could crash into the distance like the waves that i wish would drown me. maybe i am strong or maybe i am not, but what i am certain of is that i am so ******* ******* tired of trying. i am tired of trying to fix things that are unable to be fixed, it’s a constant rotation of happy and sad, and maybe this ‘love’ that is so craved by other people is not what really matters