Even during the wee hours of the night,
I am alone.

always..
some embarrassing,
humiliating,
emotion
overwhelming me.

seeing
myself
in
someone
elses eyes
always
some wall
i am falling,
breaking into
some
boundary,
i am
pushing past.
some
pain
i am
withstanding
like being
in labor,
in childbirth,
birthing
out
my ego
over
and over
again
fighting
just
to be
at the top
to be amazing
to be
the best
the shame—
oh the shame,
so exhilarating.
the fact
that i
am a small,
cute,
sheltered,
nerd
a bomb
wanting to explode
to be
herself
that was
taken
away
so long ago
wanting to be me,
to say my name,
to voice
my opinions
i am
extremely
precautious
prepared
awkward,
weird,
sheltered.
anxi­ous
always
over analyzing,
overthinking,
over..
over everything!
but the beautiful thing
is that
i am me.
and i am
so finally willing
to feel
all of that
arousing shame
to be myself.

something
that i never
though
would feel
so good
in my entire life.

If resentment is a poison,
I'll drink to my death.

Don't expect something
from someone you treat like nothing.

you are a shadow i hold onto
you are the skin i never felt
you are the smiles i'm dire to make
the face i want to caress

you are the life to my nothingness
you are the air to my lungs
and even though i'm never ageless,
with you i'm forever young

you are the parent to my inner child
you are everything i dream
i write countless poems about you,
but what do they even mean?

you are the fire inside me
that roars with a burning rage
you are the countless tears i cry
when i hope something will change

you are a ghost that i fantasize
you are a spirit unkept
all the nights i wish i would've died
weeping softly as i slept

you are the shame i always feel,
the barriers blocking my path
and although life moves on,
i still live in the past

you are the constant reminder
that nothing will ever last
and i am so slow to heal
although time moves so fast

you are everything i seek
and i'm feeling so lost
but every corner i turn to peek
there's always a hidden cost

you are the killer at night
althought i can't be killed
because i already died
and here i am dying, still.

you are the owner of this corspe,
this body you abused
and although you destroyed my whole life,
i'm nothing but your muse.

you are the words that fall out my breath
the words i meaninglessly write
because through my fantasy and regret,
i try to make it all right

you are the suicidal tendency
that will always, always encompass me
you are the massive hole in my heart
that will always keep me company

and i can't get in my head
that you never loved me
what else do i have?
who else am i?

other than a disaster,
a pain you left behind
i feel happiness and pain,
i think they are one in the same,

because without you to blame,
i'm nothing

I'm always in my head.

What's even real anymore?

Living in two worlds

Stuck inside the one

That does not make me happy

i wonder out
and i care less
don't think i'll say
i'm still obsessed
i'm still so lost
i'm still upset
lost in decisions
and in regret

you make me feel this
forever feeling
like i'm standing
on a ceiling
and i'm upside down
and inside out
and i don't know
your whereabouts

yeah, i walk along empty
along sweet dreams
and echoing sobs
next to river streams
of tears cried hard
in tarot cards

i'm looking at a parable
i'm looking at a bible
i'm staring into a book
i'm feeling gray
on a sunny day
and it's so cold anyway

no i dont make sense
and i know

i search for you
wherever i go
and feel you
and your tracks
and hope to
turn around
to see you
staring at me

to catch this forever feeling

What if we stayed friends

instead of enemies?

What if you never told me you loved me?

What if I could live and let live?

What if I could forget and forgive?

Don't you just want to get away

from the past and all of the pain?

People never remain the same

But I would love to change with you.

I'd love to get away with you.

I'd like to just stay with you

We can't be lovers, we can be friends

Until the very end

I'm willing to comprimise

If only you'd just be mine.

How is it possible
that I know everything about you
and nothing about you
at the same time?

He told me
"What's not to love?"

It's more of a
"Whats not to hate?"

I don't usually feel lonely

I am self-sufficient.

But I can not bear

the distance between you and I.

I want to feel

your defined muscles

your warm body

I want to breathe

the air you breathe

I crave

your presence

I need

your love

and when

you pull away from me

I truly do

start to feel lonely.

Because I

am so close to you,

because I

love you.

It would feel so amazing
For me to die
and watch the guilt drown you

I'd do anything
I'd **** myself
Just to watch you bleed

I am a firework
so pent up
waiting to explode
all my vibrant colors
all over you

You are
an irreplaceable
porcelain china
fragile,
yet breaks my heart
so easily
with
the softest blow

When I am sad,
When I am happy,
You are so lucky
I love you most

Fever dreams
of helplessness
the burning tears,
they feel so cold

my body, young,
my mind is old
and I am looking
through his lens

I cry so much
and wither away
I feel the pain
burn me away

unspoken words
soaked by tears
I couldn't say
any of my fears

unchosen love
that was never real
I'm kneeling down
at a karmic wheel

the desperateness
of hope and lies
our separateness
will never subside

in life or death,
I hope you know
that I will never
let you go

I search for you,
day and night
I'm traumatized
and hypnotized

I'm so in love,
in love, in pain,
I disintegrate
with the rain

the rage I feel,
the calming beast
it lays itself
upon my breast

I'll never rest
I'll never heal
I'll never understand
what was ever real

a hopeless love
a hopeless pain
with my hopeless friends
and this hopeless rain

a hopeless letter
a hopeless page,
a hopeless happiness,
a hopeless rain

a hopeless love,
a hopeless pain,
a melancholy burn,
a melancholy rain

I love your skin,
I love your eyes
I love your voice
I'm hypnotized

I love your brain,
I love your mind
I love your body
one of a kind

I love your words
I love your hurt
you manipulate me
I love your work

I love your lies
I love your joy
in the simple life
that you destroyed

I love the way
you always desert me
and leave me lingering
in nothingness

I love the way
you always hurt me
and leave me burning
in emptiness

I love the way
I have no friends
and have no means
to my ends

I love the way
I meaninglessly write
like you'd read
anything I've typed

I love the way
I regret what I said
the emptiness
unread messages

I love the way
I reuse words
crying these last bit of tears
in a melancholy burn

I love the way
that you are gone
and I'll never
see you again

I love the way
I endlessly long
just to have you,
just to need you

I hate,
oh how I despise,
the way I grieved
so many times

when you would leave me
all alone
and the pain would shake me
to my bones

I love the way
I talk to myself
as if thinking of you
would ever help

I love the way
I'll burn in hell
for choosing you
over myself

I love the way
you'll never come back
it's as if you died
and had a heart attack

I love the way
my whole life burns
because apparently I lived all this
just to learn.


I love the way
that I despair
looking in my inbox
and you're never there.

I love the way
that I distract
I'm just simply wishing
that you'd come back.

My heart
starts to crumble
as everything physical
just phased

I chased
all my demons
towards the end
of my days.

I fought
for my justice
I wasted
my time.

I realized
the sickness
I coughed
out the grime.

I focused
on vengeance
I never
had love.

I soaked
in my anger
without feeling
respite.

I doubt
at my death bed
that I'd feel any
delight.

Our lives
are a story,
nothing but pages
in a book.

My pain
is a secret,
the life
that you took.

I don't live
like I would
if everything
was good
moments passing
so fast
now I know
love will
never last
just look
at my past.

I cry
for my future
I mourn
all my grief
my worldview
is so limited
just like my gnarly
beliefs.

I'll swim
to the ocean,
and bury
myself deep
underneath
the wicked sands
letting my vision
fill the reef.

My sorrow is swimming,
my body is still
so now will you
be forgiving
or will you
just nill?

I'll never
say I'm sorry,
instead
I'll just kneel.

My life,
my will,
my pride,
my heel,
I want
to ****,
in all of it,
I heal.

Or maybe I
never will.

Having love
is something I dream about
it just feels
so impossible
and no one
understands
what it's like
to no longer
believe
it isn't real

so out of reach
to me
oh, how happy I would be
if i had it
but I might as well
just keep dreaming.

use my power,
use my will
to burn you against
my own grill

my own heaven,
my own hell
where you bleed out
in my jail

i'm so ******
i'm so cursed
because i like it
when you hurt

make you suffer
feel the release
the revenge
of the beast

the beast within me
bites and gnaws
gives you shivers
makes your skin crawl

widen my eyes
and open my jaw
take a chomp
grab the saw

i wont lie, i want to create a hell
and drown you in my wishing well
i wanna you hang you by a hook
let you take one last look

the reflection of your face
regret as you fall from grace.

i'm happy
but i still suffer

one brick by another
blowing my house down

wish i had you around
you could eat my heart for supper

then you go steal another
it can't be just me

but i'm the only
one who lashed out

i can't ask now
what i ever mean to you

i wish i
wasn't here

want to
disappear

since i'm just
nothing to you

something, but i don't know what
someone you just want to use

something that will never last
someone you'll always lose

something that was in the past
someone you'll never choose.

and you're a big part of me
but i'm a small part of you

i'm trying to lead my life
with voices in my head

and they stirr me up at night,
but i still go to bed

wake up, and it's just more work
nothing else to do

putting down what matters
and everything to lose

gotta make that call,
and do that work

i didn't ask to live,
all it does is hurt

and in sixty years,
i'll end up in dirt

i feel so gaslighted
is this what i deserve?

god tells me so
my head screaming no

so i left him behind
cause i couldnt let it go

no ones hand to hold
secrets i never told

cause no one listens
so no one knows

i'm nothing
i'll be nothing now
i'll be nothing forever

i'm nothing
i'll be nothing now
i'll be nothing forever

My self-worth is zero,
negative self-esteem
I just want to be
loved in all my dreams
fast to crinkle inward,
curl inside a ball,
life has it's ups and downs
and all I do is fall.

I've been at rock bottom
the bottom of the sea,
for what appears to me
like an eternity.

I slowly crawl upwards
while the tears roll down my eyes
knowing that I'm worthless
in and out of demise.

I can't take my life
why do I even try?
I still can't figure out
why the hell I'm alive

Life is not for living,
you just have to survive.
Seeking out the truth
whilst surrounded by lies.

Piling up the stress,
maybe I'm depressed
I feel heavy and dense,
emotions unexpressed.

I can not cry for help
because nowhere is safe
my own mind is a landfield
and people are a maze.

my heart in a desert
the heat melts my mind
the pain heavy like iron,
and water hard to find
i carry all this weight
i travel far and wide
searching for an answer
to the pain i feel inside

i don't know how to feel
all of these chemicals
i will bleed out toxins
and it will be fatal
my heart in a desert
i will make you hurt
i will make you bleed
to take your iron with me

I'm the grim reaper
trenching on this earth
to those I hate,
I give death.
To what I love,
I give birth.
I am a lost cause.
I am no one now.
So let me grab your soul
by the neck,
and tear it all
the way down.

I am the root,
I plant the seeds,
I squeeze the blood
I build my deeds
I have the rags,
I am the flesh,
the innards are raw
the meat is fresh.
I till, and till,
the waters still
the air is nil
I start to drill
and fill the fields
with all I feel.

Your death is fake,
but the pain is real.

I reap with Saturn,
I sow with steel.

Your misery
is my favorite meal
I love the taste
the human zeal
they taste like krill
I love to ****
my *** appeal
rolling down hills
cause' I look like

dead bodies
falling high,
out of hell,
into the skies
onto my land,
of sorrow
and woe,
I love my ***
I can burrow more,
to bury the saints
and save the ******.

******* stew floating around in my head
at this point now, all I can do is wish I were dead
don't get why I always care what they said.
Work too hard just to get nothing in return

I wanna watch it burn
All the way down
I wanna feel flames
From the bottom, to my crown
I'm surrounded by lies
And a bunch of illusions
Stuck in confusion,
but you all still drink it.

Grandiosity fills my bones with dust
pixies next to my head and they're filled with lust
I'm the knight in my own little kingdom
and everybody wants me
and everybody loves me

I know I can only save myself
everyone's lost, stuck inside this hell
how could you possibly
call it beautiful, honestly?
I know the hive won't be fond of me
because I bring the thing that stings
I can fly with my own wings
I'm a busy, busy bee

I only think it,
but you all still drink it
yeah, you belong in it
yeah, you throng in it
singing your songs in it,
yeah, you spit in it
you're all the culprits,
I'm crawling out of it
I'm so out of it
In doubt of it

I wanna watch it BURN
all the way down
I wanna feel the flames,
from my feet, to my crown
I want to be dark,
I want to be brown
I'm surrounded by lies
I JUST can't get you guys
And a bunch of illusions
Stuck in confusion,
but you all still drink it,
I only think it,
I only fake it,
until I make it
I'm always naked
stuck in confusion
but you all still drink it.

A river in my mind,
I always feel behind,
running after dreams,
to catch up.

When I was feeling bliss,
you came into my life
and made me think
about love.

You put your hands in glee,
straight into the stream,
and played with the water,
in my head.

For once I felt at peace,
and finally released
from all the pain
that I felt.

I'm never running dry
from all the times I cried
and now I'm crying
once more.

Because of all the times I bled,
and all the tears I shed,
you're hurting me,
once more.

With you,
you were the last time
I'll ever believe
that I can be loved.

And you broke me so bad
and I can not believe
that I could ever be this dumb,
forever feeling numb,

My broken bones
they just collapse
and my sobs echo
into my lap

And God hates me
once again
breaking my heart
when I didn't even ask.

And now I'm at
my final straw
teary eyed,
with a shaking jaw

And it hurts so bad
that you made me feel
that I could be loved,
that it could be real.

When everything is beautiful
and everything is strange
when everything is lifeless
and beautifully arranged

when everything is sorrowful,
and takes away your breath
when everything is living
but life's a silent death.

when everyone is laughing
but all you do is cry
when others are thriving
and you just want to die

when everything is passing
and you live in the past
holding onto strangers
that were never meant to last

always hoping
that reality will bend
and you won't talk to me
but I can always pretend.

always replacing
the void that's always there
so I won't be lonely
and I won't despair

something always changing
always inter-phasing,
I have many faces
for the many things I'm facing.

call me a kaleidoscope,
always cry and can't let go
I am a sad cube,
Inside a vacuum

These tears are hot and sting
I really like to sing
Whenever I feel like
I have nothing

It's all a silent death,
but it's not colorless
It's my internal void
that always gets destroyed

when everything is lifeless,
and beautifully deranged
and you're rid of your innocence
and wonderfully estranged.

when strangers marvel at you,
like a plate full of meat
and nobody loves me,
it's all just deceit.

when the world is so vast
but your room is so small
and the monsters are so big,
but your dreams are too tall.

when intimacy is formless,
and you're making love with ghosts
sitting in anger,
at a pain no one knows.

and with the simple pleasures,
you really mean the most
cause' although I'm suicidal,
I want to have a toast.

when your ex is everything,
but you're nothing but his muse,
and he calls you his 'friend'
after you were violently abused

when you forget your age,
as he forgets his
and your childhood is seamless
life's as if you were dreaming

but everything's a nightmare,
and everything is slow
and everyone is happy
and everyone lets go

but I move silently
I walk as slow as my breath
because time is passing
straight to the silent death.

Someway, somehow
I think writing
will bring me closer to you
somehow

I'm just writing to you
and you silently watch my words
like a ghost

I cried, and cried, and cried.

And at this point,
not knowing what to do,
I just begged God to **** me.

I think I ran out of time
Unless it's all in my mind
The world, just leave it behind
My god, I think I am blind

I tried thousands of times
Searching, just to find
Nothing at all
Empty in my hallway

Stars, they spread
But stars are dead
The supernovas have bled
The supernovas I've met

The stardust they spread,
The stardust I collect,
The memories I protect

Emotionally neglected
Fractured and defective,
Emotionless and breathless
Heavy and headless

In love and helpless
Restless, hopeless,
Searching in a world
Where we've all been coping

Holding, hoping,
Pulling all the strings
Saying all the words,
And doing all the things,

This universe is something like my world.

in the prison of my mind where you stay
resentful and hateful..

Can you make my eyes roll to the back of my head?

There's no point in doing anything anymore
the only reason I'm alive
is cause' I didn't have the courage to **** myself

I hold you
in my mind
close to
the afterlife

teach me
how to unwind
teach me
how to rewind

you are
so divine
I am
human, blind

to the
spiritual ecstasy
so perfect next to me
vision, vision,
vision in my mind
teach me, teach me,
teach me how to die

How to die
teach me
teach me
how to die

When I get married, I will finally, say, "I waited so long for you, and it was so painful, and I was so alone. I waited 14 years for you. Because I stopped having hope. And I stopped believing. Always being tricked, and heartbroken, I waited so long for you to love me, and live life with a dream come true."

"I waited so long for you, and it wasn't even worth it."

Because all of my pain outweighs all of my love.

when my eyes are aching and tooth is throbbing in my jaw? and I'm clenching my teeth at night and stressed out by being in love with someone who wouldn't care if

Additional thoughts:

I got eaten by a saber tooth tiger?