I had a dream last night.
I dreamed of you
It has been so long since I had a dream
even longer since I dreamed of you
though I still think of you often
your eyes haven't invaded my dreams in a while

I used to dream you were walking next to me
to dream you smiled at me in the hall
to dream you tapped me on the shoulder
Like you used to do to tell me that you would be there for me when needed
That simple tap was our always
I used to dream of you to hold on to what I lost
and remember
how safe I felt

But last night I dreamed that you still loved me
That you still tapped me on the shoulder as you passed
I fell all over again
Then my eyes opened
I remembered and let go
because it hurt even more than before

Swirling stardust
converging at one concentrated point
blues, purples, reds
colors of every shade
infinite space
filled will infinite possibilities
undiscovered, uncharted
waiting...
waiting to be found
an infinity of stars
waiting in your eyes

To describe how I felt

I will use one word

Uninterested

As we trudged through the words

He was so very excited

Wearing his red-rimmed bucket hat and fancy shoes

I was completely unprepared

with my fancy shows and long dress

we walked in the mud

I was uninterested

but it was an adventure

never the less

There is a thin line between delusional and hopeful
Most people fall into the worse category

Being hopeful is what leads to being delusional
Delusional is what happens when someone holds onto hope for far too long

Hope is a tool used against one's self
Delusions are an escape from reality

Hope is a memory that keeps you moving forward
Delusions are what keep you stuck in a period of time

Hope is created by a glance across a room
Delusions are a whole created by yourself in which everything is filled with wonder

Hope is taken away easily in the worst kind of ways
Delusions almost never leave you and when they do it is after years of daydreams

I will let you choose which is worse

I can easily string words together
and a smile forms across your lips
the perfect image or feeling
appears in front of you

I can create an idealistic image
of people and choose to show those
glass half full point of views
but I do not believe in them

I struggle to see the beauty in humanity
when all I see around me
Is glass half empty people
with black spots on their hearts

That was my reality until
you
you lifted my heart
and filled my head with hopes
for what the world could be

So now I am trying
to see the black spots
and the blindingly golden ones
side by side
Because you make me believe
that humanity can be beautiful
if you let it

Swing sets and sunsets
both leave a bittersweet taste in my mouth
yet I still go running back to them
those rusty chains that hold up my world
and the pastel hews that surround a glass memory
both could come crashing down at any moment
but here I am again
running with a hope-filled heart
That one day I will be able to feel
like I did on that swing
with the yellow fading into orange
fading into pink clouds
fading into two blue eyes
fading into my soul

I will continue to run
until that swing set falls
and the sunset fades away
into the empty darkness
of an endless night

I can finally see the pieces of myself scattered on the floor
I understand why I can give perfect advice but never follow it myself
I understand why I can't breather half the time
why I don't allow myself to love anyone
why I can never be vulnerable infront of anyone
why I am lost waiting for a someday that will never happen
Because I finally realize that I am broken
and I need help
but I will never admit it
until someday comes

I have decided
Maybe out of self pity
Maybe out of loneliness
I am cursed to only every write drafts
Never to address the ****** letters
Never to let the man I love truely know how I feel
For I am fearful and sure of the facts
And one of those abominable facts is that he does not love me
And he never will
Maybe one day I can break this curse
But that day is not today

I couldn't even look you in the eyes
you left without a goodbye
you were gone without warning
I woke up to an empty house that morning
And I am still in mourning
I miss your snoring
you left so many loose ends
with no way to make amends
the worst part of it all
is that you treated me like a doll
and when you didn't want to play with me anymore
you put me back on the shelf and ignored me like a piece of decor
I was the best piece of decor you even had
So I have stopped being sad
And started being grateful
because next time they won't leave without a goodbye

They come in waves
Riding along the currents
of my emotions
Waves of happiness
Waves of despair
Waves of being tired of being lonely
Waves of questioning my existence and impact on the world
Waves of tears
Waves of numbness
My emotions
come in waves
And their is no way to fight them
No trick to escape this riptide
These waves just take me farther and farther away
From who I want to be
They make me isolated
They make me flawed
They make me human

I find myself here
escaping my world
venting my stress
putting my raw emotions
onto the pages on this site

yet the poems
that mean the most
are private
Its just another excuse
to not be vulnerable
to anyone, even strangers

while away from my screen
I am angered by the endless
reasons why people are not honest
bold
confident
loving or
vulnerable

how am I any better
I am just as a afraid
but better at hiding it
I guess thats just another excuse

I fall a lot
sometimes people laugh
sometimes people help me up
but I tie my shoes every day
but it has never stopped me from falling

Flashes of people
random people
I do not know them
A top hat
A tight bun
A woman in red
Neckties surrounding me
People get on carriages
as people get off
A crowded road
And one person watching
With nowhere to go
As the top hats rush to work
the tight bun stays firmly in place
as the owner moves quickly to her destination
The woman in red talks to a man and waits
People get on the carriages
as people get off
And I stand and watch
Not fitting in
Not standing out
Just existing

For the heartless
You were once head over heels
And maybe they loved you too
But they clipped your wings
And charred your heart
So now you reside
In the dark parts of a crowded room
With eyes glazed over
a movie replaying in your mind
Of a memory
you wish you could forget
But if you wait
You will find someone
With a movie
The frost behind your eyes will thaw
And new growth will emerge
From the volcanic ash that is your heart
As they restore you halo
This is a message
A warning
A public safety announcement
For the heartless

I write when my depression hits
from functional to hollow
with in minutes
They say an artist
becomes an artist
when they suffer
so there is never a better time
to write and gain respect from others
when you don't even respect yourself
So I write my best work
when I am the most numb

Guilt eats away at our souls
and sometimes we eat away at guilt
though the bites it takes out of us
are always more significant then the bites we take out of it
guilt will devour you
before you have time to nibble away at it
guilt will engulf your soul
gnawing at it until there is nothing left but blackened coal
till you have no other choice
but to give in to your inner demons
because they fuel your guilt
and they never fade
and they can't be nibbled at
they remain forever
even after your soul is gone
your demons are everlasting

Hell hath no fury
Like a brilliant woman scorned
It is best to run

She is clumsy
but on the outside
she is elegant

She is wise beyond her years
but on the outside,
She trips over her words

She has troubled thoughts
but on the outside,
She smiles

She is in love
but on the outside,
She cannot meet his gaze

She cries during any movie with emotion
but on the outside,
She is untouchable and cold-hearted

She is a hopeless romantic
but on the outside,
She is a lonely pessimist

She is a vulnerable girl
but on the outside,
all you can see is her walls

******* I hate myself
I have worked for years trying to be a good person
To now realize I have failed

******* I hate who I have become
I have allowed myself to be exactly what I despise
A close minded inconsiderate person

******* I hate who I am when I am with you
Where do I go from here
I have so much work to do to regain the person I was

******* I am rebuilding myself from ground up
This time it won't be a house of cards

I have built a life
I have fought for it
I have fought to be a part of it
I have built a house of cards
and I realized I want to knock it down

Step one: wait for a down pour even if it seems like forever

Step two: find someone you love

Step three: let your hair down, there is no need for effort

Step four: music that the world should never get rid of

Step five: an outfit you would where anywhere no matter the time or place

Step six: an open heart

Step seven: leave behind the straight face

Step eight: your smile is a work of art

Step nine: a good reason

Step ten: or not

Step eleven: most importantly dance because it is freeing feeling

Step twelve: dance because it brightens everyone's eyes, even if you are a big shot

Finally dance because you can be there for the rainbow after the storm.

I’m in love…
I’m in love with him
I’m in love with the memories
with a daydream
with the boy who was
and the man he could be
with a swingset
and with a coincidence
with a day
with a fateful meeting
with long soulful talks
and with a forever
but…
I’m being suffocated
by the possibilities
by memories
by the mistakes
by what was
and what could have been
by a forever that will never be
by the hope of that forever
by the need to let go
because I have to let go
but…
I don’t want to
but I need to

In my dreams,
Barefeet are a common occurrence
as hopeful grown children dance, smiles like sunbeams

In my nightmares,
I hide from all that I hide from the world
running from it all I refuse to shed any tears

In my dreams,
I let my mind drift into my wildest delusions
delusions of flawless moments with blue eyes and swing sets, it seems

In my nightmares,
I am left alone in a dark room
abandoned after people pick pieces of me that they believe is theirs

In my dreams,
reality is a word defined by the mind that controls it
Wonder fills the eyes of everyone like moonbeams

In my world,
there is a line in which I walk shakily
a line which separates complete darkness and an awe-filled dreamworld

In my reality,
I dance in the moonlight that shines through my kitchen windows
blue eyes smile at my red-rimmed glasses and new haircuts
In my reality, I wouldn't trade anything for even the best dreams

It's in my hands now
For years I have sat back
Watched other fumble and fall
I have learned and grown
Yet I am still the only one
Who sees the blatant errors
In front of our faces
They are not being fixed
but danced around
Like tiptoeing to a problem won't
Stop it from radicalizing
these issues have been lelt to fester there is no other option
Other than to radicalize ourselves in protest
To insure the change will happen
To insure the future will be better

It is scary how much a tap on the shoulder can mean to someone
The different feelings that can rush through someone's body after
just a tap
It can be reassurance that someone is there for you
It can mean the ever gloomy
We need to talk
And it can be a symbol
For young love
A tap on the shoulder  
Can mean the difference between a life long connection
Or someone you used to know

I failed to make one of the most important jumps
and now all I can do is fall
and I am about to hit the cold hard ground
but maybe when I do I can pick myself back up
or maybe I will shatter into a million pieces
or maybe someone will catch me
but right now all I can do is fall
and hope that I don't get the wind knocked out of me
again

A hazy swingset
A pair of blue eyes
and a pair of brown eyes
both looking away
until one has the courage to speak
the words weren't important
but the look
that was given as a reply
said everything that words
couldn't explain in that moment
it was the look of someone falling in love

Conversations that do not require any words
Conversations that only require you to be emotionally present:
1. the lets be a thing talk
2.  I love you talk
3. the we need to end this talk
4. what are we talk
5. I am not fine talk
6. the lets make this a forever thing talk
7. I am lost talk
8. the I need help talk
9. the **** I just fell talk
10. but you already knew that didn't you

I think I fell again
It's never on purpose I swear
my heart is insane
Once again I am starting to tear

I have to sit by and watch
As time flys by and you move on
I will be staring at my wristwatch
Once again I will slowly become more withdrawn

This time will be worse
I know how I feel and what will occur
I can't help feeling like I'm cursed
because we all know who you prefer

Once again she is not me
I am not her
I will not be picked, on that I think we can agree
So I will work as my own silencer

Once again I will stand in the background
Supporting you as much as I can
with my heart drowned
wishing my heart had stuck to the plan

Once again its too late
I am left standing alone
feeling as if its fate
I just wish I had known

That you like him too
but you didn't even know
So once again I will try not to be blue
I try to turn it into the sunshine glow

You only have to smile at me
And the crinkles around your eyes
Make me fall
Your light is infectious
And I am disease riden
I am weightless in your presence
You are my disease and cure
you only have to smile
For my soul to be saved

Destined to find one another ever so rarely
Hurtling away
hurtiling towards
running away
running towards
it is by choice
Or is it just the gavitaional pull of the universe
forever orbiting
waiting for the day
when the orbits become too close
and we carsh
or when the exploding star dies
and we can finally orbit each other

I have been over thinking
I have been over-analyzing
about if a glance is just a glance
or if it is a ten-minute stare
that I happened to notice
the last awkward seconds of
or just you staring off into space
nowhere in particle
on one in particle
was it a strategic move
made by the boy across the classroom
or was it an instance
that you looked in my general direction
and made unwanted eye contact
does that smile mean anything
was it you being polite
after this weird encounter
or was it a friendly invitation
to talk to you
someone who has been unattainable
for so long
you have not smiled at me
in three years
so what does this smile mean
I have been over thinking
I have been over-analyzing
about the moments
that we share and shared
out past and present
though there was not much of either
they replay in my mind
and the ability to shut off my brain disappears
what can I say you make me over think
you make me over-analyze
you make my mind go haywire

Underneath the stary sky with all its infinity and unknowns
makes me feel at home

The darkness that hides all the monsters and wraps around the world
feels like a blanket to me

but you avoid my eyes and walk quickly past me
and I still think you care

I live in a world of oxymorons and contradictions
which I usually greet with open arms

But when you are in view
the lack of emotion in your blue eyes
makes me feel loved

I love and hate oxymorons
because of you

Word ***** in my brain
The constant free flowing river of thoughts
Never landing on one solid idea
But always having at least one person
Rowing down in a cute little row boat
Cutting through the rushing water
Appearing vividly clear


Then I realize I'm blushing
And can't stop

My curse is falling for those
Who could never love me

A cycle of destruction
Of self loathing

To remind myself that
he will never love you

For he still loves her

We sit opposite of one another
Across a crowded room
You stare at my eyes
Hoping to hold my gaze
I avoid this action
As well as I can
We are in a crowded room
yet it feels like only me and you
We never speak
Not with words
But our actions are just as confusing
We dare not break our silence
Because the silence is deafening
But speaking is fatal
We can never recover from either
And we were doomed the day we met

Sweaty palms
backing up slowly
eyes staring at me curious
questions ringing in my ears
simple answers with complicated explanations
half-truths to avoid saying what I mean
because to say what is in my head could ruin everything
but once
just once I said the whole truth
those eyes replied with a smile
and a simple answer
only containing three words
but with a very complicated explanation

I estaba enamorado
No se how
pero one dia, yo fell
yo fell para tu
I vi en your eyes
y vi the world
Yo saw el possibilities
I vi el infinity of stars
hidden en tu eyes
an infinity of stars
Soy now trapped in

A spotlight was on us

the sun dimmed and only shined on us

Her white dress popped with accents of orange

The people in the background fall way

And I was no longer looking through my own eyes

I was watching us dance

My navy suit pulled close her dress

She avoids my stare

She is beautiful

She is so focused on the dance

The imaginary spotlight faded

with the imaginary music

but we didn't stop dancing

And we never will

one step away from insanity
they say
one step away from sensibility
they say
my dreams are too far away
they say
I say
they are staring me in the face
I say
I am one step away
from being stuck
in grey box
I say
I am one step away
from new possibilities
they can't even imagine
in their grey boxes
they say
I say
while standing on the town line

A coincidence...
No, a clandestine meeting...
No, not that one either,
an encounter laced with star-crossed cliques,
when a pair of blue eyes met a pair of brown eyes

You are the apparition
I see
As I walk the empty halls
Of my mind
An apparition
Of a long forgotten hope
That has etched itself
Onto my long forgotten dreams
You walk alongside a regal black cat with white paws
But sometimes its a small dog still learning to grow
You are the apparition
That appears when I am lonely
When I have no where else to go
But to dwell in the parts of my brain
I usually choose to avoid
Like a bolted door that falls open sometimes
Even though it's bolted for a reason
You are the apparition
That haunts my daydreams
Drowning in sunlight
Doused in gasoline
One match away from being gone forever
You are the apperition
Of an arkangel
I could never love
But loved anyways

The embodiment of my demons is a boy
A boy not much older than I
But he holds all my demons in his eyes
Not without the deep dark abyss starting right back at me
An Abyss that swallows my words
and gives no response
I devours my sanity slowly
Every time I see them I remember
I am flooded with my demonic memories
once hopeful and happy
but corrupted by those eyes
Those eyes
That haunt me still
Even when I dont see them
I see them

Cool humidity
Clouds holding high expectations
and high volumes of water
the smell of nothing
laced with everything
the tension builds as the sky grows darker
it finally breaks when the first drop of cool water falls onto your face
Within minutes you are chasing the rain
and running from it at the same time
you are dancing the tango with the long-anticipated rain
and your emotions melt into placid tranquility