Tick tick tick.
I'm wrapped in the hands of time;
but the only hand that I want to feel,
are yours gently wrapped in mine.

Daddy's kisses, Hershey's kisses,
on the counter taking space.
Counting down to sweeter kisses,
wherever your lips are placed.

Giant bed, sleepless nights,
shrill louder than alarms;
that in a few short weeks,
I'll fall asleep in your arms.

It's strange that you've never set foot in this house;
but I'm surrounded by the ghost of you.
The road maps on my skin are void of your fingertips;
I'm a haunted house too.

Soon the priest will begin the journey,
and the spirits will cease to roam.
The ghost of you will be put to rest,
when you finally come back home.

Best friends for life is a big promise
that we had no business making
when we were too young
to know anything about life.

You were there after the bad things happened.
Like a beacon of friendship that took me away from my brain;
Until the next bad thing happened on uncomfortable sheets on the third Sunday of October.
Then the bad things after that,
which made me unhinge my scalp and pull out my memories in an assembly line of the bad things.
And the tears that ran down my cheeks,
turned to blood running down my wrists,
and you let me cry.
Best friends for life.

I hopped in my car, starting my journey towards my new life,
over a thousand miles away,
to silence the screams of my old life;
But I never expected the silence after the voicemail beep of another unanswered phone call.

You said that you would always have my back,
but how can you see mine when you turned yours?
You have a new best friend now.
You paint your face to match hers,
and wait for her to make up your mind.
Someone walks toward me to hug me,
Oh! Best friend, I didn't recognize you.
You say that you're happy.
I don't point out how different everything is, and I probably wouldn't even if I could squeeze a word into our conversations.

I've silenced my index finger and you show me how yours works just fine,
As you point out how much I've changed,
How rude I am for adding to a joke that new best friend made about you,
But new best friend is never wrong,
No, Brooklyn, you're wrong.
Then you decide that we should stay apart for a while.

Three weeks later, you show up for twenty minutes to catch up;
but catching up to you means catching me up on your life.
Laying out more problems that an algebra class;
and I remember when we finished each other's sentences.
On cue, I start a sentence and you finish it with, "I think I'm going to go, I'm tired. We should do this again."
You were out the door before I could say goodbye.

I don't want to say goodbye,
I want to shake you until your new face falls off.
I want my best friend back.
I don't want to add her to my assembly line of bad things.

Please stop touching me.
When you do, I can feel my skin turn to dust. Like ancient ruins, like the ash being flicked off the end of a cigarette, like anything less than a human being.
Please stop touching me.
I'm as fragile as glass, and my hands are too small to pick up all of the pieces that break from my body when you grab me by the arm.
Please stop touching me.
Your arms around my neck sound like people screaming, "Witch!" and your arm isn't an arm, it's a noose, and I don't know if I want you to hold on, or if I want the floor pulled from beneath me.
Please stop touching me.
I'm not someone that you can rent and return, I'm not yours, and you wouldn't want me to be; because wherever you touch is scarred flesh from the fire hands of the people that made me afraid of being touched.
Please stop touching me.

You don't know my name,
Or how I like my tea;
You've just seen my face,
Now you think you understand me.

I catch you staring through blurred vision
at my body from across the bar.
I remember you from last time,
when you followed me to the car.

At least, I think that was you;
but how could I know?
When you all have different faces,
and all ignore my "no".

No, I will not go home with you.
No, I will not kiss you goodnight.
No, I will not give you my number.
No, I won't give you a sight.

I will not let you hold my hips,
or let you grab my waist.
You say that my lips look delicious,
but you cannot have a taste.

I am so much more than the way I look;
but my personality, to you, is a waste.
I guess that I should just get used to
being nothing more than a pretty face.

***** transitive verb
: to force (someone) to have *** with you by using violence or the threat of violence

It sounds like just a word to me.
But it's so much more than it's meaning.

To me it's red eyes and the smell of ****.

Like when I was no older than four
And heard the creak, as my step father opened the door,
And held me down as I screamed
But used his force as he slapped me.

And his eyes were red, as he smelled of ****.

I cried as I experienced hell,
And when he finished, he told me not to tell.

It changed my life.
It made me feel *worthless

So when I was older, and I thought I found the one
That was when the problems re-begun.

I wanted him to love me, and I felt like it was slipping away,
And I felt like having *** was the only was to make him stay.
I was half right

Then he left.

****

It sounds like just a word to me.
But it's so much more than it's meaning.

I got a call from my boss one day,
And he asked me to come over,
But when I got there, I smelt the ****
And it made me shudder.

I smiled, and said,
"You wanted to see me?"
He said, "I heard you were selling something."
And he told me that I looked pretty.

I explained the fundraiser,
But then told him that I should leave,
I was uncomfortable
With my surroundings

He pulled me towards him, and sat on his bed,
And kissed me.
When I tried to stop him, he said,
"You know that he's probably doing the same things with her."
And he was probably right.

Stunned and hurt,
I just sat and stare,
And he kissed me again,
And touched me there

"Please, stop" I said,
"I have to go."
He ripped off my clothes,
As I kept saying, "No"

He pushed inside my as hard as he could,
And I screamed as my body released crimson blood

And he slapped me.

I knew what was happening,
I knew it all too well,
And just like with my step dad,
I cried as I experienced hell.
And he told me not to tell.

RED
Like my stinging cheek, and body.
Like the numbers on the clock.
Like the freshly washed sheets were turning.
Like his eyes.

When he was done, It was 7:35.
I walked to the bathroom, and wiped my burning eyes.

"Stop crying" I whispered to myself,
And I grabbed my pants off the shelf
And put them back on,
Like I've done for so long.

As I walked out, and tried to leave,
He pulled me toward him and kissed me,
I flinched, and I couldn't look at him too,
Then he whispered in my ear, "You're good at what you do."

I ran out of the house and walked for a while,
I walked
      And I walked
              And I walked for miles.

It's been almost a year now,
Since that day,
When he took me back,
To when it was taken away.

****
It sounds like just a word to me.
But it's so much more than it's meaning.

To me it's red eyes and the smell of ****.

We have this life to live
Every moment counts
But I’m barely living
When you aren’t around

They might need you,
But I need you too
Far much more
Than the red, white and blue.

Land of the free
Because of the brave
Still, my love.
I wish you'd have stayed.

I'm staring at walls and hiding away.
Breathing to fast for a normal day
Yet at the same time I can't breathe
As I stare at the test in front of me.

Life can take you in unplanned ways,
And leave you hanging with only a few days.
And here I ask you, who am I?
To choose between death and life?

I'm seventeen, I'm too young to make this choice,
To silence another soul and bury down their voice.
But as the seconds tick on by
And as I feel my eyes dry

I think of how hard it would be
If there was something growing inside of me.
That "Just one time" was probably enough.
And that even protection isn't so tough.

No matter how far I reach
Your tiny hands are too far from me,
And I want to hold you in my arms
And protect you from all world harms.

I want to wipe away your little sorrows
And hold you for every tomorrow
And lift you up above my head so high,
That you could take flight in the sky.

And when I look into your eyes,
The color of midsummer skies,
I'll be looking into his too.
Because love gave his eyes to you.

And our little family would fight along
And we'd have to find a way to be strong.
School would be a dying dream.
More jobs would magnetize me.

And I love you, I love you, I really do.
But it's much too soon for me to have you.
And there's still a minute until the end of the test.
And I can't find where I lost my breath.

Baby, be patient, you'll be here one day.
But if I want what's best for you, I can't let you stay.
And I'm sorry for ever doing wrong,
But my love for you is much too strong.

I'm staring at walls and hiding away.
Breathing to fast for a normal day
Yet at the same time I can't breathe
As the test says "No - " in front of me.

The sky extends a chilled hand to the hand of grey.
Even though it's May.
Just like my outlook, though it's not shocking.
And the hand of time is ticking and tocking
The pendulum is approaching.
Moving from left to right in vicious carelessness.
The thought of it is revolting.
And I can't get my mind out of this.
That every day gets closer to the day you leave.
And I'm not ready.
I haven't said that I love you enough,
Nor have I kissed your chap stick covered lips that much,
(Darling, chap stick is your vice)
And we haven't yet experienced life.
And I'm aching and breaking and sobbing at night,
Because the darkness creeps in and hides away light,
And the grey skies remind me of the grey sea,
Where you'll be shipping away from me,
And I know this is lame, and I know it's strange
But its been some time since our hearts have exchanged,
And we've been joined together for far to long
To pretend that this feeling doesn't feel wrong,
And I'm terrified of losing you every day,
And I know it's too late to convince you to stay,
Because you've signed the papers that anchor you to sea,
And soon you'll be packing your bags to leave.
I don't want to sit around and wait for you,
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do.

The sky extends a chilled hand to the hand of grey.
Even though it's May.
Just like my outlook, though it's not shocking.
And the hand of time is ticking and tocking
The pendulum is approaching.
Moving from left to right in vicious carelessness.
The thought of it is revolting.
And I can't get my mind out of this.
That every day gets closer to the day you leave.
And I'm not ready.
I haven't said that I love you enough,
Nor have I kissed your chap stick covered lips that much,
(Darling, chap stick is your vice)
And we haven't yet experienced life.
And I'm aching and breaking and sobbing at night,
Because the darkness creeps in and hides away light,
And the grey skies remind me of the grey sea,
Where you'll be shipping away from me,
And I know this is lame, and I know it's strange
But its been some time since our hearts have exchanged,
And we've been joined together for far to long
To pretend that this feeling doesn't feel wrong,
And I'm terrified of losing you every day,
And I know it's too late to convince you to stay,
Because you've signed the papers that anchor you to sea,
And soon you'll be packing your bags to leave.
I don't want to sit around and wait for you,
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do.

The sky extends a chilled hand to the hand of grey.
Even though it's May.
Just like my outlook, though it's not shocking.
And the hand of time is ticking and tocking
The pendulum is approaching.
Moving from left to right in vicious carelessness.
The thought of it is revolting.
And I can't get my mind out of this.
That every day gets closer to the day you leave.
And I'm not ready.
I haven't said that I love you enough,
Nor have I kissed your chap stick covered lips that much,
(Darling, chap stick is your vice)
And we haven't yet experienced life.
And I'm aching and breaking and sobbing at night,
Because the darkness creeps in and hides away light,
And the grey skies remind me of the grey sea,
Where you'll be shipping away from me,
And I know this is lame, and I know it's strange
But its been some time since our hearts have exchanged,
And we've been joined together for far to long
To pretend that this feeling doesn't feel wrong,
And I'm terrified of losing you every day,
And I know it's too late to convince you to stay,
Because you've signed the papers that anchor you to sea,
And soon you'll be packing your bags to leave.
I don't want to sit around and wait for you,
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do.

The sky extends a chilled hand to the hand of grey.
Even though it's May.
Just like my outlook, though it's not shocking.
And the hand of time is ticking and tocking
The pendulum is approaching.
Moving from left to right in vicious carelessness.
The thought of it is revolting.
And I can't get my mind out of this.
That every day gets closer to the day you leave.
And I'm not ready.
I haven't said that I love you enough,
Nor have I kissed your chap stick covered lips that much,
(Darling, chap stick is your vice)
And we haven't yet experienced life.
And I'm aching and breaking and sobbing at night,
Because the darkness creeps in and hides away light,
And the grey skies remind me of the grey sea,
Where you'll be shipping away from me,
And I know this is lame, and I know it's strange
But its been some time since our hearts have exchanged,
And we've been joined together for far to long
To pretend that this feeling doesn't feel wrong,
And I'm terrified of losing you every day,
And I know it's too late to convince you to stay,
Because you've signed the papers that anchor you to sea,
And soon you'll be packing your bags to leave.
I don't want to sit around and wait for you,
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do.

The sky extends a chilled hand to the hand of grey.
Even though it's May.
Just like my outlook, though it's not shocking.
And the hand of time is ticking and tocking
The pendulum is approaching.
Moving from left to right in vicious carelessness.
The thought of it is revolting.
And I can't get my mind out of this.
That every day gets closer to the day you leave.
And I'm not ready.
I haven't said that I love you enough,
Nor have I kissed your chap stick covered lips that much,
(Darling, chap stick is your vice)
And we haven't yet experienced life.
And I'm aching and breaking and sobbing at night,
Because the darkness creeps in and hides away light,
And the grey skies remind me of the grey sea,
Where you'll be shipping away from me,
And I know this is lame, and I know it's strange
But its been some time since our hearts have exchanged,
And we've been joined together for far to long
To pretend that this feeling doesn't feel wrong,
And I'm terrified of losing you every day,
And I know it's too late to convince you to stay,
Because you've signed the papers that anchor you to sea,
And soon you'll be packing your bags to leave.
I don't want to sit around and wait for you,
But I love you so much and I don't know what to do.

To tell you that I love you would never tell enough.
To tell you that I miss you wouldn't let me feel your touch.
To walk away from you now would break my heart in half,
Because we've combined our roads too long to become a different path.

Now you'll be leaving soon, boarding your bus approaching your Great Perhaps.
While I sit in my living room holding one of our matching caps.
Visions of blue camouflage begin to fill my mind,
As you ship off to fight for freedom, to save our American kind.

I'm more proud of you that I thought I could be,
But as I sit alone, while you're heading off to sea,
I begin to wonder about our trust,
And imagine what's in store for us.

What if you go, and come back to find,
A girl that isn't worth your time,
That's when you change your mind,
And go find another kind?

What if you come back in blue,
But certain changes you've been through,
And even if our love was true,
I couldn't find a way to be with you?

What if you get in a tough little place,
Where there is no room, very little space,
And sweat rolls down your face,
As your last breath is taken away?

What if you find someone new,
Someone that can be with you,
Someone who is in the Navy too,
Someone in your crew?

I love you more than anything else,
And I want you forever, all for myself.
I believe in you, like you believe in me,
So, maybe while you find your dreams,
You will find me.
And be.
My Everything.

You clear your throat and keep me in silence.
Nervous shades a beautiful color on you.
Softly and slowly you say,
"When you looked in the mirror,
And touched the forming wrinkles on your forehead,
And sighed in defeat.
And whispered, 'I'm getting old.'
All I could think about was it being with me."
**And that's the moment I knew you were the one.

The sun scalds behind never ending skies,
Reminding me of my heart when I look in your eyes.
The oceans of blue that hold secrets inside,
Masked over with playfulness so that you can hide.

The way your forehead wrinkles when you smile,
Or when I tell you that you're cute, and you fake denial.
The way that your lips are the softest of all,
In fact, they were the push that caused me to fall.

The way you focus instead of just see,
And how you'll stop what you're doing to understand me.
How you think I'm funny, and laugh at what I say,
How its never enough time after being with you all day.

The way you hold my hands sends shivers down my spine,
And when you pull me in tight, and whisper, "You're mine."
The way you look when you're feeling hot,
Or even more when you're not.

You want to know me, but you already do,
Because I'm mostly me when I'm with you.
When we're laughing, and holding each other so tight,
When you told me you loved me for the first time that night.

You make me feel like I could be the best,
That if I try, I could top all the rest,
And if I have you, and if you have me,
Then we can see everything that we need to see.

I want you forever, or just for one more day,
If that one more day is the last I can stay,
Before I move on to the place after life,
Because I'm always thinking how I'm going to die.

But death doesn't matter in even the darkest of times,
Because the light in my life was making you mine,
And I know I'm not perfect, and that all I can give
Is the words that I say, and a happy life to live.

I will love you each day, and I promise that's true,
Because loving isn't loving if it's not loving you.
And I swear that I'll listen to whatever you say,
And take your side in all the troubles that changed your day.

I'll be here for you no matter what comes along,
And I'll be there to listen to every song.
I'll watch whatever you want to watch on TV,
Because it really doesn't matter when your arms are around me.

And I'll give you everything I can, and that's just a start,
Because I gave you everything I am when I gave you my heart.
Maybe I'm nasty, and maybe I'm crazy,
But that doesn't matter when you call me baby.

You're everything to me, and you're all I need,
You inspire me to be the best I can be,
I could watch you for a lifetime because I love what I see.
I just hope that you feel the same when you look at me.

I'd swim the ocean for you.
Create swift motions for you.
Name a star after you.
Travel far for you.
Sing my soul out for you.
Punch a fool out for you.
Walk the world for you.
Be the girl for you.
I'd dance in the street for you.
I'd even eat meat for you.
I would live for you.
I would die for you.
Why?
Because I love you,
And for you, I'd do it all.

I'd like to think that we're supposed to be,
That maybe you were brought to me.
By some higher power or a twist of fate,
To prove to me that it isn't too late.

To live a little and feel things like new,
To fall in love with someone like me, and I with someone like you.
To walk in the sunset hand in hand,
Or on the beach with our toes in the sand.

Every time I'm with you, I fall deeper and deeper,
Every time I say your name, I decide that you're a keeper.
I don't know who I'm going to be, or what I'm going to do.
But I believe that I'll be safe if my future holds you.

So, truth be told, name it, and I'll do whatever you say.
I'd walk or run anywhere you'd like, even if it took all day.
I'd cheer you on and up, or take your hits, or build you up again.
I fear these words, but honestly, I'd even be just a friend

I would scream at others who'd call you names, even though they wouldn't.
I'd push ice cream in someone's face to make you laugh, even though I shouldn't.
Everything you want from me, I will definitely do.
Because I would do anything to be closer to you.

He was my medicine.
When I wasn't at home.
But I wasn't sick.
So, then I was alone.

Ashes to a s h e s we fell down.
Then you came out of the broken ground.

This is the start of something new,
When you charm me with your wit.
The beaches roll into stranger tides,
And I'm ready to sail it.

Feeling your hands on my skin,
I found a place I've wanted.
For so long.

You kiss my lips,
And my nose,
And protect me from the cold.

There isn't a trace of a thing I wouldn't do for you
Because you have the voice of an angel.

My chest felt fierce with fire when you kissed my lips,
I pushed back with fear.

"I'm not one of those who can feel. I'm rotten ruins."
You smiled and said, "You amaze me, over and over again."

I don't know what our future holds,
But I will be there with wide eyes and an open heart.
Because, I'm drowning in your ocean eyes,
And you amaze me too.

I check the lost and found box,
Frantically.
"It's gone! I can't find it!"
Terrifying.
The receptionist looks over her small glasses,
Awkwardly.
"Is something wrong, Miss?"
Everything.
"I lost my soul! I need it! Where is it?"
Gone.
She looks at me like I lost my mind.
Definitely.
You walk by.
Of course.
The sun is shining down on your face,
Though it isn't as bright as you.
And clinging behind you,
Never to fall short of step,
As always,
Instead of your shadow,
Is the ghost of me.
And all you see,
As you look my way.
Is the shell,
Of an empty girl.

It seems as though,
You've let go.
I sit here and wonder why
Can't I?

It's not that I want you back,
Because, really, I can live without that,
But then I smell your scent, or hear a song,
And it takes me back to when nothing felt this wrong.

This time there isn't a she
Just that fact that it isn't me.
You didn't need a temporary distraction,
You just divided me out of your fraction.

But freedom is ringing,
And free time keeps screaming,
I don't really have much to do,
Now that I'm living without you.

It's not that you were the best I could have in my life,
Because when you left, I found in my back, a knife.
It's just that I remember everything I did for you,
And the sweet taste of times when you did things for me too.

You helped me find the strength to accept the death of my mother,
You kept me calmed down, when I found out that I had a brother.
When my ***** holder went to jail, you held me that night,
When my Dad died, I needed you, but you weren't in sight.
But then you were, but you weren't mine.

I know that I'll find someone that will make me able to feel,
And God made another of me to love you more than I ever will,
But I can't help taking a stroll down memory lane,
Even if it results in momentary pain.

My mouth doesn't speak your name anymore,
But still, from pen, I find that it pours.
You were the first person to make me feel good,
To make me feel beautiful and important and understood.

You made me feel ****, you made me feel smart.
You made me feel ways, I didn't think I could with my heart.
You were the first to make me feel alive, like I was enough
You were the first to make me feel love.

After you left I didn't know what to do,
Except turn all of my hatred towards you.
And the girls that came after me.
And the person that I could never be.

In ten years, I will love someone new.
Get married, and have a baby or two.
We'll live together and dance in the moon,
But I will still remember you.

And how we spent our teenage years, right from the start,
In Summer heat, and Winter nights, and Fall and Spring under the stars.
You've changed me in all the ways a person should be changed,
And showed me things in my life that I should rearrange.

Not only did I love you,
But I loved the person you made me into.
And I felt that when you left me alone,
The good part of me would have followed you home.

And as I question what I need to do, I glance up above,
And realize that I need to start a new chapter in this terrible thing called love.
But this one might be the hardest one, I've ever had to write,
Because I have to love myself before I can love anyone right.

I've put down the razor for good,
The way that I should.
And I've found better things to do,
Then to sit around and wait for you.

I'm adding new habits to an old personality,
Because I want to be the best person that I can be.
You've casted the outline to the person I need,
But the things you didn't do, doesn't help me.

Out of 7 billion people,
You're still not the person for me.
But I can learn to expect things like that
On my road to recovery.

You pulled the door open
To my new car
Like it was so easy
To enter my life again.

As you sat, you stared
Deep in thought
I stared back with wonder,
And a sincere smile painted on my face.

"How do you do this?" He lets out,
As simple as a sigh.
I just stare
As words escape me.

"You should be ****** up, you know?
The hell I've put you through.
But you're not. Now I understand what I did.
I need your help."

I'm sure that my forehead wrinkled
Because I was in thought,
Maybe my nose scrunched up too
That's what you say happens when I think too hard.

First, you will never understand
The hell you put me through.
Three years of a one-sided love
Is much more than a three month fling
With a girl who cheated and left

But I think and say,
"I found out that life was more important
Than the pain you feel today,
Because one day, the pain
Will be that of yesterday."

Then I laughed.
Not because of the way your face looked when you process what I said,
Not because of the happiness I felt that you were there, even though I couldn't explain it.
But that you thought I was happy
When in reality,

I just became really good at faking smiles.

You were the little bird
That taught me how to fly.
That taught me how to love,
And taught me how to cry.

You fixed my broken wings
And I slaved over crafting yours
I thought that with a love like ours,
We'd soar, and soar, and soar.

Until you felt the seasons change,
And flew south to get warm,
I guess I never got the memo,
So I was left in the storm.

Then you came back,
And kissed my lips with a passion I've never known.
And I was pulled right back in,
As if you never left me alone.

Your wing was broken,
And so I helped you mend,
Because I've always been there to take your hits,
Until you're ready to fly again.

You want me to spread my wings
Into your delusional sunset.
But when I chose a different path
You became upset.

My little bird, I live for you
And you have always had my heart,
But you can't stay for very long,
And you leave me torn apart.

So maybe its time to say goodbye,
And we know its never easy,
But how can I make you stay,
If you always end up leaving me?  

So take some of my feathers,
And never let them fall apart,
Pull them out and think of the moments
That it took you to win my heart.

I wish it never had to be this way,
I wish I never had to cry,
But I will keep spreading my wings,
Because I refuse to not fly.

You were the little bird
That taught me how to fly.
That taught me how to love,
And taught me how to cry.

You fixed my broken wings
And I slaved over crafting yours
I thought that with a love like ours,
We'd soar, and soar, and soar.

Until you felt the seasons change,
And flew south to get warm,
I guess I never got the memo,
So I was left in the storm.

Then you came back,
And kissed my lips with a passion I've never known.
And I was pulled right back in,
As if you never left me alone.

Your wing was broken,
And so I helped you mend,
Because I've always been there to take your hits,
Until you're ready to fly again.

You want me to spread my wings
Into your delusional sunset.
But when I chose a different path
You became upset.

My little bird, I live for you
And you have always had my heart,
But you can't stay for very long,
And you leave me torn apart.

So maybe its time to say goodbye,
And we know its never easy,
But how can I make you stay,
If you always end up leaving me?  

So take some of my feathers,
And never let them fall apart,
Pull them out and think of the moments
That it took you to win my heart.

I wish it never had to be this way,
I wish I never had to cry,
But I will keep spreading my wings,
Because I refuse to not fly.

Tell me, my friend.
Have you ever looked at a caged bird?
They're quite like us,
Even though it sounds rather absurd.

The small bird is restricted,
Behind cold metel bars,
The same way that our ribs and skin,
Cage away our heart.

Maybe if you ponder the this theory
For a little bit longer,
The points of similarity
Begin to grow stronger.

Maybe you never take a chance,
Because you're terrified to fall,
If that is the case, My Dear,
Then fear would cage us all.

Maybe you're lover didn't love you back,
Or they could have cheated and lied.
You can act as tough as you want,
But you're heart is dying inside.

It's easier to hide in fear,
And pretend like things don't matter.
Because then you don't have to risk
Your heart getting shattered.

And even the most beautiful,
Or the ones with brilliant minds,
Don't always see what they are,
Because of the caged little bird **inside.

Thank God we’re done,
It’s about time I’m free.
You always seemed to hold me back,
Now I can be me.

You changed everything about who you were,
And pretend like you didn’t want me,
But then I shrugged and laughed,
Because you’re so annoying.

I’m sorry,
I know I hurt you,
But that’s okay,
Because you hurt me too.

It doesn’t matter,
I can move on,
With a world of pretty people,
It doesn’t matter that you’re gone.

This one knows his movies,
This one is quite smart,
This one makes me laugh,
This one can make art,

You taught me not to be serious,
You taught me to have fun,
So why on earth does this mean,
That I should be limited to one?

But then I see you
                                with her,
And it’s nothing like I thought it would be.
I wanted to scoff and walk away,
But I remembered when it was me.

Why did I lie? Just know that I’m so sorry.
I know I hurt you, I hate myself for hurting you.
Now that we’re done I’m not sorry,
Because you hurt me too.

When did you get so old?
Why did your stares turn cold?
How many times have you cried?
Why are you so unsatisfied?

I see the guilt in your eyes,
I see the smoke around you start to rise,
I see the pain etched across your face,
I see the anger taking the fear away.

I haven't seen you for a while,
Since you lost that smile,
I reach out to you, maybe I can help,
But I feel cold glass where I see myself.

The mirror can't disguise,
When you're not hiding behind lies.
Who knew that a pretty face
Would cause so much disgrace?

I see the scars on your skin,
I see you've found the razor again.
I see the tears stream down your face,
I see how your heart begins to race.

The glass turns gray, and you look to the right,
You see your boy and his girl dance in the moonlight.
You see your father's last breath taken away,
And the girl you don't want who wants you to stay.

I see the ghost of a girl that I used to know well,
Last year before it all turned to hell.
I see the girl get on her knees,
And say, "Somebody **** me, please."

I see the warrior under it all,
Even though she seems quite small,
She'll fight, because she knows what's right,
She'll never be done, not exactly, not quite.

I see the smoke exhale from my lips,
I see the scars on my hips,
Imagine me having no fear,
If I never looked into the mirror.

It’s Christmas time, Santa Claus is here,
I guess it’s just that time of year
That fills everyone with glee,
Everyone but me.


I immediately regretted climbing out of bed
When I feel the chill creeping up my neck.
I just want to go back to sleep,
Then some sanity I can keep.

I slowly make my way toward the fireplace.
But that’s when I see your face
Because you always kept me warm.
And sheltered from those winter storms.

Everyone is asking me to make a list,
If I could have anything that I wish,
What would it be?
I close my eyes and I see.

Hawaii or Europe could be nice,
At least they aren’t covered in this ice.
Or maybe a new sweater,
To hide myself from this weather.

Avery wants a Barbie and Kayden wants it all,
Ian wants legos, but I fear that they’re so small,
He will probably lose them, so I guess that’s a waste,
I just want to kiss away these unpleasant holidays.

I could say I want a new car covered in ribbons and bows
But if you want the truth, then here it goes.
I want to go back this time last year where everything was right.
Where I had the boy, I had the Dad, but a Mother? Well…not quite.

Maybe that could be my other wish,
A bonus on my gift list.
I would do anything you need me to,
Because Christmas isn’t the same without you.

You didn’t have to be my father,
Because I was another man’s daughter,
But you pulled me in, and gave me your name,
And when it came to your children, you treated me the same.

Maybe I didn’t know my dad,
But there was one special man that I had,
And as I look out over this blasted snow,
I realize that I can’t let you go.

Mom part 2 might seem alright,
But you should see how she is at night,
Because the love of her life was taken away,
A month ago from last Sunday.

Daddy’s little girl, isn’t little anymore,
And daddy isn’t here to kiss her little sores.
Her heart is breaking because you’re gone.
But life is supposed to go on.

They asked me what I wanted
And all I know is that this is true,
**That Christmas time, isn’t Christmas time,
If Christmas is missing you.

I think you're wonderful in every way,
And I wish these things were simple to say.
I come to you when you're in a bad place,
And decide to give you space.

I really want you, and I just wish that you knew,
And trying to like someone else doesn't work. Because they aren't you.
Confused at sixteen, with everything about me,
Who I want to be, and my sexuality.

If you want me to wait,
Then I'll wait.
If you want me to stay,
Then I'll stay.

I don't know what you want from me,
You say that you feel safe being lonely.
I try to come in, and change your mind,
Because I'm a fighter for the one-of-a-kind.

God, Am, I close my eyes,
And see yours staring into mine.
Your presence hangs over me like a personal cloud,
I push people out of the way when I spot you in the crowd.

You think you looked "decent" today,
And if I could say what I want to say,
I'd tell you that I saw you and I caught my breath.
You looked flawless in that perfect dress.

Green-brown under blue lies,
It's my special secret to see your eyes.
Lips curving deliciously over imperfect teeth,
Only make you more attractive to me.

Your name means love, and trust me I know why.
Because when the moon hits the sky, like a big pizza pie,
I think of you, and everything you do.
Do you wonder too?

What we could be, if we gave it a chance!
I'd take your hand, and we'd dance, and dance, and dance.
Forever, like in the Labyrinth.
Because David Bowie is your favorite.

Maybe I'm not like Sam, because I don't have that part
But, I have all I can give, if I can give you my heart.
I want to hold your hand and touch your skin.
I'm scared of rejection, but I'll try for you, then I'll try again.

**And one day I will tell you.

I told you "Happy Birthday,"
You smiled and said, "You remembered."
It took me back.

October 9th of 2009,
Was the day that I first met you.
I was at the Bridge with the girls,
Then up strode this guy that I wished I knew.

Dorky, yet enchanting,
You made me laugh and rant.
It was the best night I'd had in a long time,
And all the way home I danced.

I saw you at school after that,
And I felt myself falling for you.
Our friend's romances started happening,
Maybe we'd happen too.

I played you piano,
You smiled at me,
I caught my breath
And messed up they keys,
But you still thought it was good.

On June 5, of 2010,
You asked to become mine.
How could I say no,
When I wished it all the time?

You told me that I was beautiful,
Then you kissed my face,
In a world of beautiful scenery,
I was in the greatest place.

We danced slowly to Melancholy Hill,
And you watched Titanic with me,
You helped me make Chicken Marsala,
I thought we were meant to be.

You told me that you loved me,
And I felt my heart grow.
That's when I really began,
to let my love show.

On October 5th of 2010,
I gave you my virginity
I understood euphoria
When I saw your eyes on me.

Two years we spent together,
And they were the best in my life,
Even in our fake little wedding,
Where I became your wife.

You really were my medicine,
Making me feel alive,
And every time I looked in your eyes,
I saw a place where angels thrive.

I gave you myself in every way,
And I'll never want it back.
Even after bitter words,
And the moments we attacked.

I never knew a heart like mine,
Could ever love so much.
Imagine the person I would be,
If we never shared that touch.

The hardest day of my life
Was the day you walked away,
I thought that it wasn't for good,
But I couldn't make you stay.

The funny part of the story,
Is that I hadn't let you go.
The girl that you had loved and lost,
Let her true colors show.
And I'm still here waiting for you

Now, as I tell you "Happy Birthday,"
My special little tourniquet,
You smile and say, "You remembered."
But how could I forget?

I was recovering, and breathing alone,
Abandoned in a cold place.
There was no hope, and that was okay.
But that's when I saw your face.
And you made me warm.

A soft voice with a welcoming tone,
And gentle, jolting eyes,
We stood outside in the winter weather
And your breath crystalized.
Yet you kept me warm.

I feel the explosion in my chest,
when I feel your eyes on me.
I'd live a thousand lives in wonder
Just to see what you see.
Do I make you warm?

But that's when you kissed me on my lips
And the ice began to fall apart.
Mister Furnace melted the iceberg,
And he melted my heart.
**When he kept me warm.

Nobody else knows me like you do.
And I know nobody quite like you.
When I needed love, and you were afraid,
I swallowed my feelings, and stayed.

You decided to be the best friend
And I tried my hardest to make feelings end.
But sitting in your firebird, as the rain sprinkled down,
I talked about how love is fake, you didn't make a sound.

You let me pour out my soul, as I cried right beside you.
You looked me in my eyes and said, "That might be true.
But I'm sure it's not. Every time you look at me, I see,
What love is supposed to be."

We pull up in my drive way, at a quarter until four.
Just as you opened the door, the rain began to pour.
I remembered your gift and ran inside so I could give it to you.
You opened the wrapper and smiled at me and replied, "Of course you knew."

The rain began to simmer down, and you took off your sweater,
You hugged me, and I smelt your scent, I think I like this weather.
You never paint, but for me you did, and you take my breath away.
I don't know what I can possibly do to make you decide to say,

"Don't be afraid to love, because your heart is safe with me,
I'll be your knight, and you will be my lady of my dreams.
He didn't deserve you and he let you go, I can't believe he's so dumb,
But it's okay because we both have known all along that I am the one."

Maybe I'm just overreacting, and maybe that's okay.
But in the rain, on a friday,
**I   F
         E
           L
             L in love again.

*******.
All of your
                   b r o k e n
                                   promises,
And stupid lies.

I sat there many nights, calling
And wondering where you were.
I hoped that you were with your friends.
But, God, I knew you were with her.

You smelt like her when you sat by me
And the floors creaked Cheater, Cheater
I thought that I would get over it,
But then I was able to see her.

Greasy face, and stringy hair,
Oh my, is that the best you could do?
But those yellow gapped teeth come back to me,
I guess she deserves you.

So you left and went to her
And I thought it was because of me.
Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing?
You're betrayal has given me glee.

She ****** another in his bed,
While you waited around for her.
So I guess the sides have been turned.
Tell me, Darling, does it hurt?

So, Sweetheart, with the fire red hair,
Whose name makes my stomach churn,
Tell me, did you ever think that
A ginger boy could burn?

You say you've found "the one"
And you've finally figured it out
I guess I should be happy for you
But your right hand doesn't count.

You chose the one that cheated
And left me with goodbyes
Relationships are based on trust,
But I guess that yours are based on lies.

That's okay, I'll be fine
I'm so much better without you.
I hate your guts, and I curse your name.
**I wish that were true.

I claim to hate you.
Yet, I'm
             B R O K E N
                                   Without you.
I guess I'm just a masochistic fool,
That can't believe forever died.

You drug me to hell,
And left me there.
Then went back for another girl.

And now I'm hitchhiking home.
With a knife in my back,
And smoke in my lungs.

Remembering the one I fell in love with.

You were a con artist that stole my heart.
You had such high morals.
A future.
A dream.
Me.

Now I have high morals.
A future.
A dream.
Me.

And you have bat **** on your eyes.
No future.
No dream.
Her.

Who's winning?

You don't know who I want to be,
But you say you know who I am.

Truthfully, you don't know,
You just know what I choose to show.
I get morning breath, I hate to clean,
I cry at movies, I love to scream,
I hate you slowly when you cheer me up because I love to feel angry.
A thousand times you've saved me.
But no one will ever know me,
Like I do.

You make me angrier than I've ever been,
and I hate things you stand for.
You're naturally reckless, and you love to fight.
With your friends you spent many drug filled nights.
You cheated, you lied.
But you were heaven in my eyes.

Truthfully, they dont know,
I just see what you want to show,
You're aggrivating, insecure,
You confess your love but think I'm not sure.

But you left me
                           S H A T T E R E D
                                                          In pieces.
                                                                          For her.

In the middle of the night, I say your name.
I dream of you, so we're not so far away.
You drive me crazy, I go insane.
But just know, no one will ever love you
Like I do

Maybe she's pretty,
Maybe she's smart.
But I'm the one that had your heart.

Maybe she's pretty,
Maybe she's smart.
But I'm the one that won't let you go.
Because...
She'll never be like me.
She won't put up with you.
You'll drive her so insane she'll break you.

I'll be waiting on the side,
Just to have you again,
Because living is overrated if I have to live
Without you.

I gave you everything I had,
In ways no one else can have.
When you left, it hurt so bad.

And no one will ever captivate me,
**Like you do.

When I wonder who I am,
You already know.
You see me.
Like my skin is pulled back,
To show my heart.

You inspire me to be the person I am.
And not the person that I could be.
Like everyone else does.
Like he did.

Your touch makes me tremble,
And white noise fills my veins,
Tingling.

You
       Rock
              My
                    World

I am inside out for you,
So you can see right through me.
I'm trembling.
But I like it.

You're always there when I need you.
And you always have my back.
We laugh,
We fight,
We forgive.
When I am hurt, you make it better,
Because it makes you hurt to see me like that.
I need you in my life.
You are the other side to my soul.
You are the best friend I've ever had.

Inhale strength, Exhale pain.
The smoke creeps through my lips.
Inhale numbness, Exhale hate.
The ashes fall apart like my soul,
Like my world, like my mind,
And everything that's supposed to be strong.
Inhale strength, Exhale the weak.
As the world falls down around you.
Inhale the nothing, Exhale the hurt.
At least I know I'm breathing.

Mommy said I'd love all boys,
But Mommy wasn't right.
I loved one boy for a long while,
But it didn't work out quite.
I found a new love, I swear it's true,
With all of the blue in the skies.
I didn't even stand a chance,
the second I looked her in the eyes.
Mommy said I'd love all boys,
But Mommy wasn't right.
I felt like my world was shaded too dark,
But my savior brought the light.
Her laughter chimes with the sound of bells,
Her eyes are brown and green
She acts like she's just so tough,
And her jokes are so obscene.
Everything that doesn't make sense,
Makes sense when she's around.
She has me falling headfirst into a freefall,
But I'll never touch the ground.
Mommy said I'd love all boys,
But Mommy wasn't right.
I can try to forget her and change my mind,
But her face is the last I see at night.