I hope all of "this" isn't a lie,
Honestly if it was I couldn't understand why..

     Lead me on for months,       almost a year.

This is my biggest fear.

I wanted you to be the first and only,
Now I think I'm going to end up lonely.


The lonely,    me.

You and me.

Sitting there alone under the bustling trees.

On the dock down the street.
Where we sit and watch the fleet,
                              of lights leading the way
Out onto the flaccid water of the bay.

You and I alone at last.

Silent and sturdy like a pane of glass.

That has become the water,
                              out in front of us.
As we ponder our lives away
We grow old together at the bay.

Our eternal love was show the way,
by the fleet of lights out on Annapolis' bay.

I see you smile but you're not really happy
I hear you ask but you don't want to know
I hear you talk but nothings' being said
I watch you laugh buy you don't think it's funny
I see you cry but they aren't really tears
I watch you get up but you're not really awake
I see you go to sleep but you aren't really resting

So you're alive but are you really living?

Lost in my daydream again
a drowsy equinox.

You and I together
tangled within light,
a slow-motion reel

Our fingers shake
slightly dragging against flesh

Nerves running,
not only from touch but feelings too.

Old sayings about butterflies in my stomach,
like gravity giving way

Floating along between open kisses,
Eyelids shut from blinding light,
We longed for time.

We saw each other,
There were no words.

We ended up underwater,
Surfaced, then stared.

Laying down alone, looking over the water whose black glistening depth I do not know. I think of our love; how passionate and true we are, how unwavering and pure it can be, and I wish. I wish upon the light on the lake, the tropic breeze filling my nose, the light wind kissing my skin. I wish on my life that we make it, that I make it. With someone who has qualities and love as true as yours. I lust you, every chance my mind gets to wonder.. I lust you, I need you , I can remember the feel of your hands touching the inside of my leg. I can feel your breath on my neck. I close my eyes and know your kiss, so passionate and fierce my whole body becomes weak. You're the one man I've never been able to break from. You're the one man I can't deny. You are my joy and smile, my heart and soul. I will follow you into the depths of the midnight's tropical water and live with you forever until the ends of time. You have me.

Sad.

This feeling keeps creeping up on me.
I can't hold it back even from my dreams.
Now I'm loosing my ability to be free.

Sad. Lonely.

We are apart again and I can't seem to function.
My heart and my brain have come to a junction.
Now my body is in a state of dysfunction.

Sad. Lonely. Unsure.

The future is so uncertain and dark.
No matter which way I turn, I don't know where to start.
My hands continuously play a lonely song by Mozart.

Sad. Lonely. Unsure.

ok.

I know only one thing about hardships like this,
And no matter what happens; and how much you wish,
Life will go on.

When your heart is attached
by a string
                 or other thing...
                                           maybe a rope?
                                           or a chain?

Either way that "thing" is attached.

You and another a perfect,
or not so perfect match.

Your ideas always seem to wander back to them
Like they live at home in your brain stem.

Where everything you do or see somehow involves me..
                or she, or he, or him.
You put yourself out on that limb.

Ready to love,
                because they are your drug.

Call it what you must,
but to me, myself, and I...

                                          This is lust.

that undying feeling,

peeling,

maybe faith healing,

feeling.

When all you know is that you want them,
Right now.
Right there.
Right then.

When you love, and you can't bare it any longer, when everything you shared became toxic waste and your body fills with the fluid of unknown pain. When sadness sinks into you, its weight crushing your chest and lungs. When sadness weighs you like your own flesh but more of it, and that weight of lonesomeness and pain.. You think.. How can I withstand this? Then you will hold love, like an unclaimed newborn in your arms and you'll say, Yes, I will take you and I will love again.

I'm restless and thinking about last night.
You and I alone under the parking lot lights.

We're in the back of your car, being reserved, all I wish is that the tables were turned.
Instead of "me and Him,"-- instead of "you and Her,"-- it was just "Us." And right now all we are relying on is trust.
Both of us are taken, but we lust for each other, all I want to do is have my lips upon yours to smother.

Then it happens. I make the first move, waiting and wondering what to do.

I feel you hold your breath, I can't control myself any longer. We don't have the willpower, we can't be any stronger.
Your hand moves up my back, you bring me closer in. My forehead rests on yours, I can feel your racing pulse through my skin.

We stop -- and stare. In silence.

I bring my lips ever so lightly, and hover them over yours.
We pause, then I take that leap. I kiss you.

Unable to be in control any more, I let go and let my lips explore.
Only gently at first; cautious kissing. My hand ends up in your hair, I grab it and stop wishing.

Right there under those parking lot lights it happens, our first kiss --- The Kiss that makes your knees weak and your mind blank.


We pause again and quietly smile.     We know.

I am raw, and red
Like a newborn child
So silent and small,
so soft and fragile.
This is my heart,
Reborn like a phoenix
from the ashes it came.

Take care of this bird.
Because it only lives for so long.

Treasure this bird,
and it will love you back.

Show this bird kindness and warmth,
and it will forever stand by you.

This is my heart.
Take care of this bird.

Straightforwardly.

This pressure on my chest,
I cannot quite describe.

Just a pressure, nothing more
of something missing

     There before?

Without complexities.

Not the same pain like the rest,
Getting this strange vibe.

What have I lost, misplaced,
Something forgotten

     Cross-stricken face.

As I lay here one my bed,
I rest the pillow underneath my head.
I think about the nights we had,
together in a distant land.
You can never understand how much I care,
your a wonderful guy, but you don't compare.
I gave my heart away, long ago,
and I've never been able to let go,
of the man that stole my love, my soul.
He is my drug and he had control.
I wish you were the one for me,
because your a perfect guy honey.
But I cannot love when I have none to give,
I hope someday soon you will forgive.

I dream of you without knowing how, or when, or where. There you are, poised in front of me. Beautiful in nature with a fire unbeknownst to all. I see no face nor physical features but I feel you. Your hand on my chest is my hand, lips so close that we share one breath.
I look at you, looking at me, thought rushing unable to be put with words.
We are at a place where I does not exist, nor you. Falling in and out of space without realizing we've moved. One body or two, it's been so long I no longer remember. One is what we've become, a single organism thriving without needing.


( Mamihlapinatapai -A look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire )

Oh! How hard
How hard you make this for me!

Oh! Why
Why can I not figure this out?

Oh, the hollow
The halls and chambers of my empty heart.

Oh, I see
I see that I am meant to be alone.

oh.

Confused and in a daze
Our conversation made me numb.

I just wanted your touch
A fleeting brush with your thumb.

Maybe apart is best for us
Two planets in orbit, two parallel lines that never cross.

I just don't know . . . what should I do?
Struggling with this thought.

Content is what I should be
There is no side that can be bought.

No amount of jewels, or love can sway,
No more precious time for thought.

Though we may never meet again I want you to know,
To know how i feel about the way I grow.

Each day I got to spend with You,
Made me feel anew,
Reborn for the ashes like your first debut.

You will always have a special place with me,
In my heart you will always be,

Remembered.

Someday soon I'll join you. In a place not so far away,
A place where we will get the chance to play.

Together again like we were never parted,
Maybe on that Island no ones ever charted.

You and I together again because,
Your not only my love.
You are my best friend.

((To give you a but of an introduction to this "story" I was having a conversation with a young man who is a song writer. We got into talking, then somehow started writing each other our feelings in poetry))

Him: I have a planet of could rock and craters so please devour me beautiful.

Me: Ahh, but once I devour you what will be left? Just me, and my black hole forever wanting more.

Him: I'll be there drifting in your space and I would love to get lost in you forever.

Me: Now Dylon, you're making a lady blush.

Him: Sorry miss but I speak my mind, I need to let you know you're one of a king, and in due time one day we will both unwind, and get lost in each other only to find what we know was there all along. My heart is your heart and we beat strong, so please don't blush, for the words i speak. Your touch is all I seek.

Me: How long must we do this dance?
       How long is long enough?
       After all we want the same, it shouldn't be that tough.
       It should be nice and easy,
       Just like you and me.
       Yet we still go round and round a waltzing one, two, three.

Him: We can swim in the stars and dance on the moon, your body is the needle and your love is the drug I consume. You're addicting to my heart from the very start you want me and I want you, so tell me girl could you change my world? Can we take this dance may I twirl you round and round, rest my ears on your chest to hear the sound, of your heart that beats for mine, makin music and my soul will rhyme, we can make a song, no one can tell us what we do is wrong, we share a love so strong. So don't leave me waiting too long, I'll still be here but I fear you will be gone.

Me: Dear Young Boy you make my heart wonder, but as you know I'm in love with another. You fill me with home and possibly that ever-lasting love, but you're so far away even God has trouble seeing us from above. All I want is to lay with you, my hear to your chest, hearing your heartbeat more firmly than the rest. This dance we dance; it is one that I keep close to my soul. But I'm afraid it will die out because our music together is no longer bold.

Him: I've danced on a thin line, I've waltzed with the Devil, I've been on the edge of a knife, I've been to my lowest level. A chance with you is just another to face, but it is worth it to kiss that beautiful face. So love the other and sing him your song, I guarantee he won't be able to sing along, because I know your words and I feel your pain, distance is only an obstacle to loves game. Let us play and enjoy this love, I see no snakes on your head but you do leave me stunned, like Medusa to a mortal man, you have me in stone stuck in a place I will do as you demand. So, baby girl the chances we take are only temporary but the love we share will forever carry.

Me: You may not see the snakes I carry, but they are there along with past men drained and weary. I too have danced with the Devil, that's how I got this curse, men fall in love with me but I can't return and that's the worst. Because for all I wish is to fall madly in love with a man, who loves me more than he ever planned. I want to sing this melody, this song with you, but I'm not sure now, what to do. This other man I think does love me, but I don't know how long this will last and It's starting to break me. I don't know how to stop loving him, nor do I know if I could break my ties with him. But you are right next to him, playing such a sweet melody, it's hard for me to figure out who is better for me. Forever carry, is what you promise to my love, but how can I trust this when it's so hard to become?

Him: We share more than a touch, more than a rush, we share more than a stare, we share more than our air. We share a passion, we share the same satisfaction. For you're poetry is secret, only I can read it, we share a language all our own, I have a kingdom I rule alone. Will you be the queen and sit with me on equal thrones? For I am no better than you and you no better than me, we an share this balance, we can love with equality.

Me: King and Queen, of our land of love. But how do we get to this so called place, when we don't even know how to start this race? You are so new to me, like the young sapling of a tree. How do we grow together, when we can't physically be together? distance doesn't seem like much trouble, but it becomes difficult after time and turns relationships to rubble. Yes we may share similar feelings but how do we know what this "love" we hare together isn't just a hidden form of lust, now lust I know for a fact is something you can never trust. Once you get it then it is gone, usually you want nothing more from that person again, to me that is wrong.

Him: We share a love so young we must let it grow, the most important this is that these feelings are shown. For you can't build a structure without blue prints and bricks, our emotions are the mortar and so far this structure sticks. So lets continue to build and see what will rise, maybe we will find something that's more than just appealing to the eye. For we ill know the truth once we walk inside, walk our kingdoms halls and run through its pastures, tell me would you like to join me in this happy ever after?

Me: This story you paint for me is oh so sweet, everything you say is so perfectly put and neat. Theses halls and pastures you tell me about sound like a dream, for all I want is that perfect love scene. Yes that cheesy one in the movies where everything is in slow motion, like how the sand is constantly intertwined with the ocean, that calm serenity that is certain, between me and you.. our world so perfect. yes I'll try this happily ever after, because in the end that's all I've ever been after. So I guess let's see where this takes us, for there is no reason for me to not trust.

Him: One day this distance will shrink between us, and I won't have to take a bus, I can wake up in the morning and look next to me, and you're the girl I would love to see. Kiss your cheek and bring you food in bed, let's take things slow and just remain friends, but we can dream for now and know in our hearts, this is the end of being strangers our love is about to start.

Me: Tonight I'll take this dream with me. Think of us together and see where it will go, maybe someday it will come to show. Dream to reality you and me, but for now I'll let this dream run free. Goodnight my king, with much love from your Queen. I will see you very soon in this dream I'm about to dream.

Him: Goodnight my sweet, now go rest your feet, and speak to me when the sun comes and shows its face. Sleep now and embrace the dream we share, with much love I say goodbye you've chased away my nightmares... goodnight miss I wish you were closer.

You're laying there in bed.
So close to sleep.

Then, you gasp for air,
for a second you forgot the world around you,
all the troubles.
But now that next breath,
it hurts even more than the last.

The burden of life.
Even heavier on your shoulders than before.

Tears roll down your face,
though you do not cry.

The silence is already enough to ****.

It's a merry-go-round with you
Spinning my emotions around until you're through.

When are you going to leave me alone
So I can sink in the ocean and drown on my own.

You don't need to weigh me down:
    You anchor,
         You tether,
              You cement shoes bound.

I'm getting off this emotional roller coaster ride
I've already felt like I've died.

There's no point in dragging me through
When my face, skin, and heart have already turned blue.

Today I see you standing there, in a bow tie none the less. You greet me with that oh-so famous smile, I can't help but smile back. Were outside of my car looking at each other, no words yet have passed. We know what each others thinking, under faces so close.

                       "If only it was two months sooner."
                    "If we can wait just a few more days."

You and I spend the rest of the day together, right after we finish class. We end up at your dance studio, I watch you like I've never watched before. I join in and we joke for a few, I'm videotaping this magic happen. We leave and drive around, run into a few friends and hang out for a while. Looking at each other thinking, under faces so torn.

                       "If only it was two months sooner."
                     "If we can wait just a few more days."

We end up alone again, driving back to find my car. I follow you to a school, so we can hang out and talk. It's too cold outside so we go sit in your car, staring at each other not knowing what to do. You take your shirt off and I'm rubbing your back, it hurts from all the dancing. I don't know what to do, the tension between us is so thick.  You say your torn and don't know what to do, you have a girlfriend. I agree and say that I as well have a boyfriend, so what should we do now? We know what each other wants, under faces so close.

                               "What should I do?"
                           "What do I want to do?"

I can't hold back anymore, I lean in    with my lips touching your neck. I feel you hold your breath, I still don't know if I should continue. i run my lips down your neck onto your collar bone, I stop and bring my head back. We're looking at each other, with faces so close.

                           "I know what I want."
                            "I know who I want."

A car
    the ride.
A sidewalk
    the door.

Inside I can hear
People laughing in cheer.
I can't go in, not yet
A little girl runs by in a dress.

The nod
    Wooden doors.
Music starts
    Doors open.

I loose myself for the moment
Standing in-front of a commitment.
Time stops
In a memory where I drop.

    Then you show up and catch me from falling.

White walkway
    Flowers.
Wooden pews
    My dress swishing as I walk.

One man standing in a three piece suit
The whole room end up mute.
I can't help but smile
In-front of me I see my new life compile.

Like a well written poem
Now I'm ready to show him.

The Priest starts to talk
I'm so happy I can only squawk..

"I do."

    and that's the beginning
    to the happy ever after ending.

Alone again, outside on this ragged deck, trying to sleep.
shhh goes the wind dancing though the trees, the world is singing me a lullaby.
The black lifeless water on the bay is now swaying to a song,
The wind is blowing now, making frothy white amongst the midnight black,
Lights from the other side of the bay look like silver and gold sequins split on flowing silk.
The light from the moon and stars kiss the ground almost fooling me to morning.

I do not know where I am going; where I come from; where my life is headed; but as my eyes close I have a smile on my face. I know that right now, in this moment, I'm as close to perfection as humanly possible.
My last thought before slumber.