I'm not stable
Can't do things that I should be able.....to
My heart is in pieces,
One for every person who broke it
My heart is damaged,
From every time it's been unsuccessfully stolen

It keeps raining.
It keeps pouring.
But instead of lettin up
I see some hurricanes forming

I can't see. I need another set of eyes
Someone that will be there
Someone that's for me
Someone who won't tell me no lies

Cuz I need some
Body
Who will always....always be right there

So can you stand the rain?
Can you stand the pain?

Cold nights and the long fights
Wondering if everything will be alright

Feelin like old school rnb
//so tired of being lonely

But what I really need to know
Are you really gonna be the one to stand up for me?

Cuz I'm tired of cryin. And I'm tired of hurtin
Tired of tryina be what everybody else need
Cuz at the end of the day it just ain't workin

I give and give and give until there's nothing left
Poured out so much i didn't even leave any heart for myself


So I'll ask you again, please be true
Will you be there for me like I intend to be there for you


Can you weather the storm?
Do you have tough skin?
Cuz it might be a while before I can completely let you in.

I might say some things, I might do some things that I really don't mean.
I'm in the process of fixing myself and it ain't as easy as it seems

Can you be my lifeline?
Can you be my heartbeat?
Can you be my reason to live, my reason to feel....
Tell me can you help me find ME

Today is my birthday.


No cake. No candies.
No balloons. No gifts.

Today I reflect on the life I've had and the life ahead.

Today is my birthday.

But you wouldn't know it if you came here.

I'm surrounded -and alone
Outside my room I'm the outgoing kid they raised and everything is fine
Inside -----I've been crying since last night

Today is my birthday.

But all I see is the tragic circle of life that I've inherited with no savior in sight.

No, not even Jesus Christ

It's my birthday.....

Where do I begin :

First and foremost I must congratulate you on a job well done. The child that you raised is now raising children of her own. She's smart, not just cliché smart but absolutely intelligent. There's so many words I could use to describe how amazing she is in every level of life, but I'll just simply say she's INCOMPARABLE.

Before we even entertained the thought of a relationship, we made sure we were free of any doubts /fears /or emotions from our past. We made sure we were ready for the backlash and the questions that would follow.

We both have had our share of hurt and disappointment in our past. It's my belief that after all those years of suffering, a door was finally opened to escape it all. I believe we reached that door at the same time and decided to walk thru together.

I will never lie or make her cry
I will never disrespect her
I will never put myself in any situation that would ultimately hurt her in any way.

I know there's no way to physically receive your blessing but.....my prayer is that this letter reaches to where you are.

I love your daughter.
Not just physically, not just emotionally...
But from a place that only her and God exist

I love her from my soul........

I can't escape.

No matter how hard I try

I'm stuck here

I'm stuck in this.....

..........................cycle

I wanna leave

I wanna be somebody

I want a life of my own

I just want to be free

I'm so tired.

Tired of crying

Tired of hurting

Tired of praying for a change that never comes

So tired.

I just want to LIVE.

Where is this life abundantly they keep preaching about?

Where tf is this joy unspeakable

Where is this overflow that we keep singing about?

Maybe I missed my turn

Where is it?

Where's my life?

Where is the me that everyone thinks I am....

I see myself happy.
Healed from all the pain of the past.
Accepted.
Free.

I see me in a mutually beneficial relationship

A relationship built on love, honor, and commitment
Where trust and loyalty are non-negotiable
Where it's OK to set separate goals as long we reach them TOGETHER
Where the emotions and opinions of others hold no weight

I see us buying a home.
Raising a family.
Starting a few businesses.
Living comfortably.

I see me at peace.
Whole.
Confident.
Balanced.

The problem with virtual reality is that you're wide awake and it's literally right in front of you...
But it's not really there

Wouldn't it be nice....
If the reality of our own virtual mind would finally be released into the world?

From the first time I saw you
I knew you were....CELESTIAL
An unattainable reflection of PERFECTION

Beauty from the gods
Intellectual
Conservative
Regal
Ambitious

Everything stability is made of

We both had separate lives
You set the standard
that no one else could match
Other people fantasize and idolize
Actors, models or even athletes

But mine was YOU

Never disrespectful of your situation
I admired who you were and i was content on having someone like you

Never in a million years did I believe things would turn this way

At the lowest part of my life I turn around and there you are.
You're here. WITH me.

Both our lives are being turned inside out.
Everything is changing.
Things we never thought would happen are happening.
Seems like everything around us is
falling
apart.

It took me a while to recognize that all of this is OK

We're rebuilding.

I look at you now and I still see the celestial being wrapped in human perfection with beauty from the gods.
But from this angle.......

I see the benefits from your
intellectual-conservative-regal ambitiousness
And I'm still in awe of it all

Will I ever be enough
To get full custody of your love

Will my opinion ever matter more
Than those that came before

How much does it take
Before the heart can no longer break

You know all my issues and I've voiced every concern...
Taught you everything about me but it seems you never learn

I can't compare / it isn't fair
Trying to compete / it's killing me

We must have different definitions of inclusion
Times we're supposed to come together I end up

excluded

Broken people do broken things
It's been proven

Or maybe I'm just too broken to be enough for YOU

Ridin around
Everything's cool
        kids in the back, but the passenger ain't you

We're hanging out
Everybody's having fun
          I'll text you back in a minute, as soon as we get done

"Just spending time with the kids"
You said you'd understand
          Not being Disrespectful, just following the plan  

Her family called
We gotta go there too
.          Watchu fussin for? Got this feelin like deja vu

Either you understand or you don't
Either you gon stick it out with me
                                                         or you won't

I know you love me
I love you too
.         Remember that love while I'm out here doin what I gotta do

Tryina keep things peaceful
Just wanna see the kids happy
            But you messin up the flow always gettin mad at me

She's in my car.
She's in my house.
         I would let you too but that's not what this is about

There's always a reason.
Backed up by logic
          but imagine if things were reversed maybe that'll scare you enough to stop the nonsense

Please understand
Love don't make wrong right
        so something's gotta change  
         if you plan on staying in my life

Late nights. Can't sleep
Too many thoughts
Haunting me.

So much of my past
Taking over my mind.
I'm tryina fast forward ⏭️
But I'm stuck in rewind ⏪

I gotta good thing
Don't wanna get off track
I keep letting my old mind think
------can't do that

Been thru so many things
(I can't blame you)
Wouldn't believe the things I've seen
(can you handle my truth)

Hurt so many times/fed so many lies
So many broken pieces /i wasted so much time

Here I am again
Another sleepless night
Another restless fight
But when the sun rises
.....it's back to being "alright"

Will I ever be enough
To get full custody of your love

Will my opinion ever matter more
Than those that came before

How much does it take
Before the heart can no longer break

You know all my issues and I've voiced every concern...
Taught you everything about me but it seems you never learn

I can't compare / it isn't fair
Trying to compete / it's killing me

We must have different definitions of inclusion
Times we're supposed to come together I end up

excluded

Broken people do broken things
It's been proven

Or maybe I'm just too broken to be enough for YOU

Have you ever had water well up in your eyes

Do you know what it feels like to have your

eyes swollen with hot tears that won't fall

Did it feel like a volcano ready to erupt


***** right?