After years My mother left me and I been having panic attacks that I never told anyone in my life cause of so many confusions in my life. So I was at my house that night that I saw my dad goes to his room and shuts the door and locks it. I got so scared in my life that I just go in my room and just cries cause I was alone and I had nothing to help me.

My mom is gone and i am afraid that I am going to lose my dad, I didn't eat much even when my mother left me. Even tho that I don't call her mom anymore, I just miss having a mother in my life that I never ever got to expensive a mom to hold me and tells me that everything is going to be okay.

I feel so broken that i just don't know anymore that I felt suicidal even I was only 5 years old, but I got over it anyway. I played one sport even though it was for tiny children. I just still felt depressed that I just don't know what to do anymore.

So I went to therapist to another to another. I just gave up cause they haven't helped me. I just had to deal with my own problems for the rest of my life. I just feel that my real mom died a long time ago.

By the time that I was 7 or 8 years old, I been started to be bullied and been make fun of, and also drama begun too.  I was always in the middle of everything. No one believed me and I feel so fooled though to everyone.

One day that I feel so Anti-Social that I didn't want to talk to anyone that i was silent for a few days even tho that I had to study and a lot of crap that goes through my life is. My speech therapy still haven't changed much when I was 5 yrs old. I never ever stand up for myself cause i never had real friends. just full of fake friends.

I just wish that i never became like this and just be full of spirited and be happy, I wasn't happy, I never had since later on in life. Even tho Drama always followed me until I done with school. Even tho it still is. Will I ever be happy?? Will I ever get a best friend that I will trust and share everything with her? I guess that I will never know.......

This is something about my life
that I Have to put this on here just to get
it out of my chest.

My heart is still in pain cause I have some things
that the truths that I haven't know,
that also been unknown.

I just wish that they would just told me the truth,
if they had done it,
I would not be as depressed and in pain.

My life is that my body is full of scars,
that things that I wish that things never had happened
my life would need support.

Maybe that I would never know the truth,
Maybe that no one would support my decision,
I just don't know anymore.

Sometimes I feel isolated in my bedroom,
Nothing much going on, just sitting here,
feel emotions, so easily that My pain increases,
no one to talk to, in the dark,
it doesn't matter now,
I got used to it for a long time,
it nothing, i feel a burden for some people, not all though,
those burdens are just something stupid but so little,
it's okay.. I am fine,
I got used to it.

Am I good enough?
Sometimes I don't know if I am.
cause people thinks of me that I hurt them,
I do though,
I punished myself to do it,
sometimes that I don't have a point of being here,
I am trying to be myself and forget my past,
I can't when I have trust issues,
When I also have depression, anxiety, and ptsd,
I have a ton of flashbacks and i drop to the ground and cry,
sometimes I want to give up,
I can't just yet though,
cause I don't have that courage to do it.

You the ones that made me hurt,
that I become broken,
But I become woken,
that we haven't spoke in ages,
so turn the page on your story, not mine,
that you went across the line,
also not realized it,
I am a winner either way,
I am a broken girl,
I always had help,
don't double cross me again,
I become stronger than you,
cause you lied too much,
it is easy to spot,
You made me broken,
and made me scars,
but that doesn't stop me from doing
what I want to do in life,
don't ever hurt me again.

By my time that I felt worthless,
I never knew that my life became breathless,
that life full of jealousy,
that I thought my scars were  temporarily,
I was wrong that I felt paralyzed,
Losing friends felt for me is very unreal,
But it is the reality that I felt stabbed,
those scars become bigger everyday.

when people tells me to move on,
i can't, i want to,
because I have to many problems in my life that,
i get flashbacks,
when i had a good day, bad things happens,
when i went to sleep, i get nightmares about it,
when i am a good mood, i felt my pain that I been through,
i can't stop thinking about things that won't go away,
I just want my pain to go away, for good,
I just don't have the courage to,
I don't want to, I just never have peace in my life
when stuff happens,
I feel hurt all over all the time when I get one of my flashbacks,
I just can't do everything right,
I feel like I am a burden that people like that wants to ruin my life,
and they are laughing about it, I can feel it too.