Happy Birthday
to me
once again

A day older,
oh what a day
this is

If we all say
"I wanna be forever young"
why do we
celebrate getting
older?

In my case ,
I want to die
so I suppose you can
say I'm celebrating
one step closer
to death
if life plays it's
cards right

Sometimes I wonder
what is the point of living
if you have no
reason to live?

Perhaps it's to find
the point
or maybe it's to sit
here and rot away
while everyone else
has found their
purpose to
live
so they could
walk by
and watch as you
rot this
lifeless life away.

I woke up to
nothing
to no one
I have no point
being in this
place anymore

If you asked me
what gift I got
this year
I'd look you in
the eye and
tell you
I've been blessed
with the decision
between
life, or death.

Happy Birthday
to me
once again .

Going out is always so fun
especially with friends
close friends or strangers
good vibes and good drinks

we'll get drunk
get drunk and watch the stars
and we'll lie in the middle of the
street as you think
the person you're with is your
best friend for the moment
and life is good
life is good for the moment

until take 1 .. 2 ... 3 more shots
and you swear you are fine
because you're still laughing and
nothing seems to be getting in
the way
except you take the 4 shot and
you see him..
the one that got away
the ex- lover that is happy
with someone else
and you start to feel empty
and your smile turns a bit
crooked and your face is emotionless
and your surroundings turn into
oceans of tears
you're not quite sure why
you are crying it why
you even feel this
way ..

you just know he doesn't love
you and you are not his
and he isn't drowning in
tears for you
he's fine , he's happy
perfectly okay

without you.

If you knew me ,
you'd know I don't like to eat
because ill throw it all up anyways.  

If you knew me,
you'd know that I don't trust
easily because i gave my heart
to a boy who just wanted my
body.

If you knew me,
you'd know I think about
dying often because I constantly
feel drained and worthless
just some skin a bones.

If you knew me,
you'd know I love you
with every inch of me that's left
but I don't want to because you
might hurt me.

You don't know me,
so why would you take a bullet
for me , for someone you do not
know.  For someone you think
you might love.. for someone you
promised forever    
knowing promises are meant
to be broken and that is why
they are made.

365 days it's been
Since I first saw you
     at that record store around the corner
Oh how I can never
seem to forget that cute little grin

we had conversations
    about music and favorite ice cream
I swear you almost
dinned Lou Reed into my head
            didn't take long for me
to have to find my patience

But I didn't mind
        because you looked at
me like no other boy would

we went on dates to
        Ben & Jerry's and
afterwards we went along
      and met your mates.

You took me to all
your thinking spots where
      we shared all our
deep secrets
every dripple, every drop

We spent some nights
     hiding in the sheets
gazing into
each others eyes
     as you kissed me 'till
the morning sky

You told me you
loved me so
and never met someone with
the purest heart
      I never had a clue..

Awoke one beautiful
     morning to awful
news
you picked up the phone
               they told you I was dying
you held me and started crying

I told you
"bad things happen to good people"
your words went into
         circles as you told me
"I'm here and I'm never letting go"
     that's when I knew
I loved you so.

              365 days it's been
     since I first saw you
at the record store around
            the corner

Never have I
     stopped loving
you
  not once,
not
   ever.

I fell for you,
I fell for you hard

Maybe its the way you
held me
or maybe it was the way
you understood me
like no other did

The long summer nights
and how you kissed me
'till the morning light

Oh darling..

When you are not here
I cant seem to get you
out of my mind
I just miss you so

and the days I saw
you
I cherished until the day
I saw you again

The way you would
smoke your
cigarette
inhaling and exhaling
every breath

You were perfect in
my eyes
every one of your
flaws were nothing
but beauty

I never questioned
being with you
not once
not ever

To this day,
I get butterflies
as I think of you my
dear

you gave me a kiss before you
left but you never
said itd be the last

why did you have to go..
broke every promise made
when you said you'd stay
left me behind for me
to rot  

A day doesn't go by
without missing you

when I think back
of that day,
I feel empty and
lost all over
again

I can still hear you whisper
'i love you'
and it breaks my heart every time ..

I visit you some days
but all im talking
to is a tombstone
with 'R.I.P Chris'
engraved in it

I need you here,
I need you now

Your touch
Your love
You..

You and I ,
sitting on the
old oak bench
where we once carved
"I+B= 4evr"
with a framed
heart around it

the day you told me
you loved me so
you promised
you'd never let
go
and how you
promised me forever

but here we
are now
sitting on the oak
bench where we
once carved
"I+B= 4evr"
chatting about how
you promised me
forever
and what went wrong
and why I am no
longer yours
    and how
         you are no
longer
      mine.

I'm back,
aren't you glad to see me
write again
you know what this means
don't act silly
you know i am sad again
so here i am
have a cheer
tell me your glad i'm here.

I don't think I am sad , nor mad , not even a bit happy.
I'm not quite sure why people do the things they do.  
and I'm not sure why people love , or even know what love is. As I've sat here and thinking I knew everything about love and people , I sit here with a pit in my stomach. I feel like crying but I don't know what for. You say you love me , but I'm not sure when you do. Can you be with someone who is unsure about everything? who they are and life in general? Did I make a mistake giving my fragile heart to a boy I am unsure of.  I want to fall asleep and live in the dreams where life is how id like it to be, where I was sure of everything, where I knew I loved you and you loved me, where I knew myself .

You took me by surprise
when you told me you loved me

It was dawn
and my eyes were heavy
your arms wrapped around me
and your soft eyes carelessly staring
into mine

You brought me closer and with
the tips of your fingers you
moved the stranded hairs away
from my face
you kissed my loose lips
and with soft whispers
you said

"i love you now , and ill love you tomorrow
and ill remind when you need
reassurance that ill never leave you
alone not ever my dear I promise you that"

as the sun arised and i brushed
the sleep from my eyes
you looked at me
and smiled.

I never met a more
beautiful boy with the
purest heart and the purest
soul .

Even on your worst days
the crooked smile upon your
face made you beautiful
and I could never help but to
gaze at what I got to call
mine.

My veins were your map
leading to my heart
taking in every touch
as your fingers ran up and
down my spine

We never said the three
words most lovers would
say to each other ,
but we didn't have to

we were different
I knew you loved me
from the expression
of your face and the
look in your eyes and
the way your hands
explored my careless
body

I knew every morning
you'd be there by my side
and I knew you'd never leave
purposely because you loved me

..
I thought I knew
until the morning I awoke
from making love with you
the night before , waking up
to an empty bed with a letter
placed on the pillow beside me
that said

"I wish I could've made you
happy and I wish I could've
made you love me and I wish,
I wish .. your next lover could.
I love you forever goodbye"

I thought you knew ..
I should have told you..
I would've ..

When I cannot sleep at night
I stare at the ceiling above me
thinking of all the things we would
be doing if you were lying right next
to me

When I cannot sleep at night
I lie on my side
staring at the empty space next to
me wondering why I have a bed for two
if you are not here sharing it
with me

When I cannot sleep at night
endless thoughts of you
float inside my mind
thinking of when I will see
you next

As I close my eyes and dream
I dream of you
us
lying together in this bed for two
with your arms wrapped around me
as i whisper "never let me go.."
and as you pull me closer and you tell me
"i am here , i am here now , i am here forever"

When you are alone at
night
lying on your back with
your mind full of endless
thoughts of ex-lovers and old
friends, people you've lost and those
you regret losing

as youre lying on your back
staring at the empty ceiling with  
these endless thoughts over
flowing through your mind you
come to realize the memories
of these people are more than just
memories

watery eyed
you begin to miss them
more than ever and the memories
with them are played on repeat
like a favorite song

You turn over to your side,
crying, bringing your blanket up
to cry into and you begin to tell
yourself "why, how could this happen?they were everything to me now I have nothing.. "
Your words go into circles and the pain
grows greater

pulling the pillow close to your face
hovering yourself so no one can hear you
scream "why!"
crying to the point of hyperventilation
its late and you have no one to call
you've never felt so empty

your eyes are heavy and your
voice starts to whisper "why... why.."
blinking slowly, your eyes begin
to slowly close

with the last thoughts in your head
wondering if thing will get better
hoping the memories of these
ex-lovers and old friends will start
to fade and leave your mind
to rest for the night
just for
the
night

They only ask

    how you are ,
to hear that you are doing

fine , but are you really

     fine?

I'm not so afraid to lose
you anymore
and I am not quite sure why
that may be
perhaps its from the constant
leaving of the people I love
most
or maybe I no longer love
you as i did before
and that makes me afraid
because I do not understand
how you could love someone
so unbearably
then not at all

You use to make me feel
full of butterflies and pure love
now you make me feel
dull and
empty
I could feel the distance even
when your arms are wrapped around
me tight at night

As I lie here thinking of all the reasons
why i may not love you any longer
I cannot seem to come across
one because sometimes you could
love someone so unbearably
and then not at all
being with you has made me
understand that is true

When you awake
you'll be left with an empty
side of the bed we once
made love in
and a note I left that says:
"My dear, understand this was best
for you and I. I cannot bare the feeling
of saying goodbye to your face
because this goodbye is not
good at all and so I had to leave.
I took something from you awhile ago
I've returned it to the place I found it  
now you can find someone new to
hold your heart , for mine will always
be yours."

Inhale smoke,

feel it

in your lungs

begging to escape


trap it inside

to clutch your

problems

the exhale

as it

carries your breath away

far far away  


feel the warmth of your lighter,

as it burns

it burns brighter than anything in sight


burn another cigarette

and

another

and another

practice your breathing,

as smoke fills your lungs.

I am here again,
at the cut end of the rope
lost myself
so i started going down down down
found myself where I was
few months ago
how do I cope?
forgot where i go again
i don't want to fall
fall deeper into this depression.

I'm in love with the way

you never even say my name

and the way

I'm not a even a thought

that races through

your brain