I'm not so afraid to lose
you anymore
and I am not quite sure why
that may be
perhaps its from the constant
leaving of the people I love
most
or maybe I no longer love
you as i did before
and that makes me afraid
because I do not understand
how you could love someone
so unbearably
then not at all

You use to make me feel
full of butterflies and pure love
now you make me feel
dull and
empty
I could feel the distance even
when your arms are wrapped around
me tight at night

As I lie here thinking of all the reasons
why i may not love you any longer
I cannot seem to come across
one because sometimes you could
love someone so unbearably
and then not at all
being with you has made me
understand that is true

When you awake
you'll be left with an empty
side of the bed we once
made love in
and a note I left that says:
"My dear, understand this was best
for you and I. I cannot bare the feeling
of saying goodbye to your face
because this goodbye is not
good at all and so I had to leave.
I took something from you awhile ago
I've returned it to the place I found it  
now you can find someone new to
hold your heart , for mine will always
be yours."

When you are alone at
night
lying on your back with
your mind full of endless
thoughts of ex-lovers and old
friends, people you've lost and those
you regret losing

as youre lying on your back
staring at the empty ceiling with  
these endless thoughts over
flowing through your mind you
come to realize the memories
of these people are more than just
memories

watery eyed
you begin to miss them
more than ever and the memories
with them are played on repeat
like a favorite song

You turn over to your side,
crying, bringing your blanket up
to cry into and you begin to tell
yourself "why, how could this happen?they were everything to me now I have nothing.. "
Your words go into circles and the pain
grows greater

pulling the pillow close to your face
hovering yourself so no one can hear you
scream "why!"
crying to the point of hyperventilation
its late and you have no one to call
you've never felt so empty

your eyes are heavy and your
voice starts to whisper "why... why.."
blinking slowly, your eyes begin
to slowly close

with the last thoughts in your head
wondering if thing will get better
hoping the memories of these
ex-lovers and old friends will start
to fade and leave your mind
to rest for the night
just for
the
night

When I cannot sleep at night
I stare at the ceiling above me
thinking of all the things we would
be doing if you were lying right next
to me

When I cannot sleep at night
I lie on my side
staring at the empty space next to
me wondering why I have a bed for two
if you are not here sharing it
with me

When I cannot sleep at night
endless thoughts of you
float inside my mind
thinking of when I will see
you next

As I close my eyes and dream
I dream of you
us
lying together in this bed for two
with your arms wrapped around me
as i whisper "never let me go.."
and as you pull me closer and you tell me
"i am here , i am here now , i am here forever"

They only ask

    how you are ,
to hear that you are doing

fine , but are you really

     fine?

Happy Birthday
to me
once again

A day older,
oh what a day
this is

If we all say
"I wanna be forever young"
why do we
celebrate getting
older?

In my case ,
I want to die
so I suppose you can
say I'm celebrating
one step closer
to death
if life plays it's
cards right

Sometimes I wonder
what is the point of living
if you have no
reason to live?

Perhaps it's to find
the point
or maybe it's to sit
here and rot away
while everyone else
has found their
purpose to
live
so they could
walk by
and watch as you
rot this
lifeless life away.

I woke up to
nothing
to no one
I have no point
being in this
place anymore

If you asked me
what gift I got
this year
I'd look you in
the eye and
tell you
I've been blessed
with the decision
between
life, or death.

Happy Birthday
to me
once again .