And it's back.
The all too familiar darkness is now creeping into my mind.
No thanks to you,
Of course.
I was okay.
I really was.
But I make one decision for myself and you had to throw me back to it;
The unforgiving darkness that will slowly,
But surely,
Rip me into pieces that I just put back together.

Can you not get it through your thick mind that you only make it worse?
I tell you that the darkness has left,
But you continue to question my judgement of my own mental health.
So much so that I start to question it myself.
I question everything that I believe.
Maybe I'm just lying to myself to hide how terrible I feel.
Even if I am lying to myself,
It's better than facing the fact that I am messed up inside.
I need help that I cannot get.
So why bother acknowledging something I cannot change?
Ignorance truly is bliss.

Every second soaked in silence.
Every portrait smeared with blood.
The message is shown.
Clearer than the tears that stain my face,
But more vague than my emotions,
Jumbled around in the empty, unforgiving abyss of my mind.
It is written in a language only able to be deciphered by those who have felt the pain of one thousand knives in their heart.
Those who have felt the pain of their own mind,
Tearing them limb from limb with mere thoughts.

The message is this:
Stop just existing.
Live.
Take chances.
Abandon your comfort zone.
That's how life is supposed to be lived.
Not wallowing in your sorrows.
I know it's hard.
Believe me,
I know.
But believe me in this too,
It's worth it.

Everything I do,
I do without thinking.
Blinded by the rage that you caused.
Making rash decisions,
Guided by the thought
Of anything that could cause you pain.
I have so much hatered for you it's unbelievable.
I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you.

All you do is lie.

You have hurt so many others.
It's time for someone to hurt you.

Lately,
I've been catching myself fantasizing about my death.
When?
Where?
How?
Will I feel pain?
Or be flushed with emotions?
Will it be quick?
Or long and torturous?
How will people react?
Will they care?
How long will they mourn me before moving on with their lives?
Who will tell you that I'm gone?
Will you go to my funeral?
Will you cry?
Will you grieve?
Or will it not have any effect on you?
These are the questions I ask myself daily.
Just searching for answers.

I hope
I hope so much
That you don't find these poems.
I don't want you to know everything.
I don't want you to know my secrets.
I don't want you to know all the things I never told you.
I don't want to hurt you more than you already are.
I don't want you to have pity in your eyes when you look at me.
And mostly,
I don't want you to see me,
The way I see myself.

I just walk away.
My expression emotionless.
But behind closed doors,
I let the tears fall from my eyes.
A well needed rain during the drought.
A million thoughts
Jumbled together in my head.
One thought comes through the strongest.
Get it.
Anything
Sharp.
Open your skin.
Let those cruel words out with the blood that is shed.
And just let yourself
Fade away
Into the empty abyss of numbness.

I get it now.
I understand why I am so alone.
I am always negative,
Looking for the bad in things.
I am disturbed,
Laughing at others' pain.
I am weird,
Thinking much differently than everyone else.
I am judgemental,
Picking apart everyone,
Pointing out their flaws.
And lastly,
I am cold.
So cold that everyone I touch,
Leaves.
Because they are
Frost bitten.

I hate this.
This shell,
Littered with scars and bruises,
That I am forced to dwell in.
It is so weak.
It can be broken and battered so easily.
I just want to be free of it.
My soul wants to roam this retched place
Without a worthless body slowing it down.
But alas,
I am still stuck.
Forced to suffer in this shell,
Until I am pure enough,
To be released into a state of bliss.

With shaking hands,
And my vision blurred by tears,
I write a note,
To you,
To him,
To her,
To everyone.
I write,
How I wish you'd remember me,
As a bright,
Happy soul.
Not dark and withered,
As I have become.
Remember my smile when I laugh.
Not my eyes when I cry.
Remember my goofy faces.
Not my emotionless expressions.
Remember me dancing like a fool.
Not sitting alone on the side.
This is my dying wish.
Just please,
Please
Remember.

With a heavy heart,
And sad eyes,
She tells me that it's true.
I can live in this world no longer.
A world without you.
The sunrise won't have such beautiful,
Vibrant,
Colors.
The tunes the birds sing,
On misty cool mornings,
Will be nails piercing my brain.
The smell of morning coffee,
Will make tears threaten to fall from the horizons of my eyes.
These were our favorite things.
But they aren't as wonderful,
In a world without you.

Please.
Do not think you're special,
That I trusted you,
Just because I told you everything.
I thought I was never going to see you again.
I felt that my problems would leave when you did.
That is it.
That is why every time I see you,
I stare at my feet,
My heart races.
I am trying to forget who I was.
But as soon as I have just about gotten that out of my head,
You show up.
You plant that horrible seed of a memory right back into my brain.
You have done it so many times now,
That the memory is permanently etched into thoughts.
Thank you,
For making each day I wake up,
Harder than the last.

Apart,
We are so fragile.
One shove in the wrong direction,
Could send us hurdling into the darkest place in the world,
Never to be found again.

Together,
We are invincible.
Taking the world by storm.
Almost like super heros.
Except,
We are just people.
But when we are with each other,
We are so,
So
Much more than just people.

With you,
It's different.
I've only know you a short time,
But I trust you more than I trust people I've known my whole life.
You always tell me how perfect you think I am.
I thought you were just being nice at first.
But you say it
Every
Day.

I have honestly never been this happy.
I know this sounds cliché and out of a story book.
But it is so,
Amazingly,
True.

I just hope you don't walk out on me.
Like everyone else has.
You have no idea what that would do to me.
I have torn down walls I did not even know I had,
For you.
I am so vulnerable.
If you leave,
I'll fall off a cliff,
And land flat on my face.

I didn't mean to change.
It just sort of………happened.
I stopped caring.
I stopped sleeping.
I stopped feeling.
Everything just………stopped.

Fake friends.
Horrid lies.
Backstabbing *******.
Sad eyes.
Lonely nights.
No sleep.
My own thoughts,
Are not the only reason I weep.

My eyelids are heavy from the hardships of today.
My heart aches.
For I know that there is no going back.
It's strange to think it's over.
Memories are all I have left.
But those memories will soon fade.
And I'll have nothing but sorrow and regret.

Don't try
And tell me you miss me.
When you never even tried
To acknowledge my existence.

People who say that love is forever,
Lie.
It's not forever.
It's only until something better comes along.

People who say that money can't buy happiness,
Lie.
With money,
You can buy antidepressants.
That's pretty close to happiness.

People who say death is a plague,
Lie.
Death is another,
More happy life.
Somewhere far away from the pain on earth.

Those eyes.
Those dark,
Mysterious eyes.
Full of memories
You don't want to remember.

Secrets
Hiding quietly in the corners.
Those eyes.
Tell stories
Better than words ever could.

I hate you
Not just because of what you said
Or did
Because when you come around
It reminds of the time I wasn't okay
Of the nights filled with tears and blood
You are so confused
As to why I won't look at you
The reason is this
When I look in your eyes
The memories of my brokenness and sorrow
Come rushing back
All too fast

Don't even
Don't you even dare
Say that you understand
You're not the one
Who's in so much pain
That you want to die
You're not the one
Who slices your skin
To try and **** the demon inside
So don't
Don't you dare
Say you've been in my position
Because let me tell you
If you had,
You wouldn't be here

I want to cry
But I have no tears
I want to scream
But I can't seem to find my voice
I want bleed
But my heart doesn't beat
I want to eat
But I already weigh too much
I want to die
But I've been dead for a long time

I need it
I need it so bad
Something to take the pain away
For good this time
I can't take it anymore
It's killing me
From the inside out
I just want to cut myself open
And rip out my insides
Maybe then
And only then
I'll find what's hurting me
And get rid of it
Forever

A year ago
Everything was different
I smiled and laughed
And they weren't fake
But everything changed
Depression took control of my life
Made me feel dead
I sliced my own skin
Just to see the blood flow
I needed to know I'm still alive

No one suspected anything
They all thought I was happy
They couldn't have been more wrong
I hid the marks under sleeves
I told them I was cold
It wasn't a complete lie
My heart was like ice
I couldn't feel anything
So I cut to feel pain

Then you found your way into my life
You thought I was quiet
I never talked to you
Only because I was afraid that if I did
You'd figure me out
I knew you would eventually
So I beat you to it
I told you everything
Every time you looked at me
You looked as if you were going to cry

But all you did
Was try and make me laugh
It worked
For the first time
In what seems like forever
I didn't have the urge to cut
To bleed
To feel pain
Because I was happy
You made me happy
How you did it?
I'll never know
Maybe by making me feel less alone

The time I met you
I was at the lowest point in my life
You brought me back up
I was contemplating suicide
But you said suicide is for cowards
I thought: I am no coward
You are the reason I kept fighting
The reason I fought my demons
Even when they were about to win
The reason I held on
The reason I kept trying
Whenever I have a bad day
I think of something you would say
To make me laugh
You're the reason
I want to get better

I'm scared now
You're leaving me here
Alone
With no one to hold me up
When I start to fall
I'll try my hardest
Not to break
But I can't promise
That I won't get bad again
I'm terrified
What if my demons win this battle?
What if I give up?
What if I become a coward?

You won't be there
For me to fall back on
You won't be there
To make me laugh
You won't be there
For anything...