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Brieona Newman Feb 2018
As I lay in bed on a Tuesday night at 11:38
I wonder which thought keeps me up
Is it because I feel trapped in my house  
Or maybe it’s the night where i’m just sad
You see no matter what I do
It will never be enough to please you
You yell and bicker
Telling me how you’re not richer
But all you do is spend your money
And no it’s not on sweets like honey
Drowning in liqour you forget about me
Really it’s draining me can’t you see
One more day closer to leaving
I have a hard time seeing
How much you care
But this is't fair
Brieona Newman Dec 2017
I felt the pain as you left
crawling up into my throat
trying to understand what drove you away
why am i not good enough?
what caused you to stop loving me?
i used to feel warmth when i looked at photos of you
now all i feel is my chest aching with pain
and i don’t know how to make it stop
but i wish it would leave
just as easy as you did me
Brieona Newman Jul 2018
I wish I could forget it all.
Take everything back and never fall.
But you gave me so much without even knowing.
All those times you kept me warm when it was snowing.
You are my world and my rock.
You’d do anything for me around the clock.
But you couldn’t get past the hurt.
You shut me out and treated me like dirt.
I love you and i always will.
But my body aches and is always chill.
I feel so suffocated and broken.
But these words never to be spoken.
I take it back I want you.
Please say you do too.
It’s not suppose to be like this you see.
It was always suppose to be.
We can work this out.
I won’t even pout.
Time and patience i’m willing to give it.
Please don’t quit.
Im in pain can’t you see?
It hurts stop doing this to me.
I want you and my heart aches.
You don’t want me and it breaks.
Brieona Newman Jul 2018
as time progresses my heart slowly heals
it’s been awhile since i felt real
the raw emotions pour out
i’m happy just about
sadness slowly leaves my brain
as the sun shines with no more rain
you made my life ****
but he came just like luck
making memories i’ll forever keep
my soul no longer weeps
life is so strange
i’m scared of change
but for once i’m going through with eyes open
the past no longer pains to be spoken
for once i’m not writing in my darkest hour
this trauma has given me so much power
i have no more time to spare for the past
and i pray the happiness lasts
i’ve chosen you over me for so long
thought of you with every song
but there will be no more
as my heart is no longer sore
i’ve been released from the chains
the relationship almost made me insane
i choose happiness over this
and it’s made life feel like a bliss.
Brieona Newman Apr 2018
My chest is heavy
My heart hurts
My mind wonders to the last words you spoke to me
Replaying them over and over again
How dare you
How ******* dare you treat me like I'm nothing
Telling me I'm not ****
*******.
I am everything you will look in people
You will see me in anyone you talk to
I will not be forgotten I can tell you that
I am worth more than you ever deserve
So ******* for acting like I'm not
You didn't deserve the love I poured into you
The support I handed out
The time, energy, money
You didn't deserve me
And yet I still am the one who is hurt
But it should be you.
You lost someone who would die for you
And you couldn't even be honest with me.
Brieona Newman Feb 2018
To most people they think brown eyes are boring and plain
Mostly everyone has brown eyes
But the way I see it
Brown eyes are the most extravagant eye color
The darkness seeping through them
Only to be a golden color I melt into when reflected by the sun
But you were the reason I fell in love with the color
I could look into your eyes and get lost for hours
The mystery behind them
The secrets they hold
I used to think brown eyes were lifeless
Until I saw the world in your deep brown eyes
Now I couldn't imagine why anyone would want to change the beauty of brown eyes.
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
My mother is a raging alcoholic
So are my Uncles.
It runs in the family
Smashing its way into every generation
But not me.
I will not allow myself to become an addict
To love liquor more than my future children.
They will never have to experience not being loved
And they will have the best parent(s) ever.
I refuse to fall victim in this chain of events
I choose my life
And I choose to live.
Brieona Newman Nov 2017
We were like leaves blooming on a Spring day
both new and vibrant
we connected as though we were meant to be together
we laughed as we blew in the wind
until the cold set in
now we are frail and falling apart
as we both went our separate ways
except I felt useless
and you were more like the tree
waiting for someone to bloom on you again
leaving me behind like the end
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
I think I've changed
Because while everything around me is falling apart
I still stand here
Smiling proud.
I've waited a long time for this moment,
To be okay while everything isn't
A few months ago I would've been so angry
And completely broken
Over the fact I cannot help others
Who did not want help.
Being angry at the world over things I don't do
Nothing made me happy and it took a toll on my relationships
But now, I am happy and relieved
I feel at peace with myself finally
And I waited for someone to change me
But it was myself I needed all along
Brieona Newman Aug 2020
a never ending cycle of love and hurt
-you hurt me but i love you
Brieona Newman Aug 2018
To not be with the person you are in love with is one of the many things i struggle with daily.
To watch them be happy and content with a life that doesn’t involve me hurts.
To see them treat other girls the way i begged to be treated.
To be okay with the thought of not being with you.
How is it possible? How does it work?
I’m left here with questions unanswered and my thoughts flooding with memories.
Every word you spoke to me.
It drowns me and I can’t breathe.
The memories suffocate me until it’s **** near impossible to see.
I don’t understand it.
Brieona Newman Aug 2018
In a room full of people; I still feel lonely.
No matter where i am; I feel lonely.
Your arms was my safe place.. and now they are a vacant space, being filled with temporary guests.
There is no more us, and I cannot accept that.
My treacherous memories sneak up on me; preventing my wounded heart to heal.
I continue to beg when I know it won’t change.
My body craves your touch; almost like an addiction.
My desolate heart weeps, hoping you come home.
Brieona Newman Jan 2018
I sit here and try to understand why I allow myself to feel like this
making excuses for you
this isn't love, but I beg for it to be.
How is it that you can look me straight in the eyes
and tell me you love me
knowing **** well you don't.
You lie, and I accept the apology you didn't give.
I love you, but why don't you love me?
Why do I have to keep asking this
why can't I just leave.
I think I stay because being unloved by you
is better than not having you at all.
But this isn't healthy
and I deserve better.
When will I find the courage to leave you?
Brieona Newman May 2018
you left me.
it hurts but it’s not the worst part.
i knew you were gonna leave.
the worst part is not bringing myself to tell people
that you are gone.
i’m reminded of you everywhere.
whether it’s places we’ve gone to
or someone asking me about you.
i can’t get away.
it’s eating me alive and i don’t know how much more i can take
you are my best friend.
i told you i wanted to spend my life with you.
but you told me it wasn’t mutual.
why don’t you love me.
why am i not enough for you.
i want to tell you all this
but all i do is cry.
i beg for you to be with me
you’re the only happiness i have.
you’re like a drug and i need it.
i need you.
i’m withdrawing and i can’t bare it.
our last kiss burns in the back of my throat
i can’t see straight.
i can’t stand up.
i’m so weak.
please love me.
come back.
i beg
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
I cannot get you out of my memories
The way your beautiful hands would hold my face
as you kissed me slow and passionately
How you would taste of lust and toothpaste.
My mind wanders to the first time you told me you love me
I blacked out from shock.
How could the most perfect person love me?
I'm just a plain average girl.
Your scent lingers on my clothes as you hug me goodbye
My heart is full of happiness
A feeling of need that has been met
I love you
And I know you love me too
Brieona Newman May 2018
My chest is heavy and my heart cracks
you say you’re here, but the love lacks
i try my best to make you happy
even when you treat me ******
i love you and always will
but it’s like our love is on a window sill
just ready to jump and end
my heart doesn’t want to mend
my stomach is in a wry
my eyes continue to cry
can’t you see
what you’re doing to me?
i am not enough for you
and i don’t think i could ever be too
poetry is the only way to get it out
as i come to you and pout
please love me i beg
this hurts worse than two broken legs
physical pain can heal and stop
but this pain is at the very top
Brieona Newman Nov 2017
My life is like a hurricane
Full of terror and tradegy
But you came along
And you were my sunshine
That I needed all along
And maybe that’s all it took
to be
o k a y
Brieona Newman May 2018
I didn’t do anything
But I still apologized
You were messing around
And I apologized for not being there for you
I went through your phone and you screamed at me I apologized for being curious
i’m tired of apologizing for things I did not do.
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
"I love you"
As I lay on the bathroom floor
"I love you"
I scream and I plead for no more
"I love you"
I gasp for air, begging for it to end
"I love you"
All the memories start to blend
"I love you"
My heart breaks
"I love you"
Every limb aches
"I love you"
I drown in the tears
"I love you"
This is what everyone fears
"I love you"
You lied to me
"I love you"
As you said to her too, I see
"I love you"
It replays over and over again
"I love you"
All my energy is drained
"I love you"
I don't want this anymore
"I love you"
My eyes are sore
"I love you"
It continues until I fall asleep
"I love you"
My heart no longer weeps
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
I remember the first day I saw you
-standing there confidently, brushing your eyes along me here and there
I remember the first words I spoke to you
-making a fool out of myself but you smiled and talked to me
I remember the first text I sent to you
-it was simple and short, but it was something
I remember the first time we hung out
-I was so nervous and you made sure I was calm
I remember the first goodbye
-you had to leave because it was late and I was sad
I remember our first kiss
-it was fast, and nerve shaking
I remember the day you made it offical
-I could hardly even register what you said
I remember our first 'I love you'
-I blacked out from shock
I remember our first time
-It was full of passion and love
I remember our first fight
-I cried all night begging you to stop screaming
I remember when I found out about her
-I cried myself to sleep and couldn't get out of bed for days
I remember your apology
-It was the first time I've ever seen you cry
I remember having a lot of trust issues afterwards
-You slowly regained it back
I remember the promise ring you gave me
-I wear it like it's my wedding ring
I remember all our adventures
-Even the really awful ones
I  remember fighting again
-It was worse than before
I remember you telling me you didn't want to  be with me
-I begged you to stay
I remember you acting better
-And so was I
I remember you being patient with me
-As I was a complete mess
I remember falling in love with you over again
-I don't plan on ever stopping
I remember all of our plans for our future
-We continue to go through with them
I remember I only want you
-Forever and ever.
Brieona Newman Jan 2018
I am enough
but I will not beg you to see it
I love you
but I will not beg you to love me
I am tired
and I know you are too
Brieona Newman Apr 2018
Just because you do not like me
doesn’t mean i shouldn’t like myself
just because you don’t want me
doesn’t mean i shouldn’t want myself
just because you don’t love me
doesn’t mean i shouldn’t love myself
if i decided to perceive myself as others did
there would be nothing of me to cherish
but because no one is willing to appreciate me
i will have to appreciate me first
Brieona Newman Feb 2018
when you look at me
i see my whole future
so what do you see
when i look at you?
Brieona Newman Feb 2018
To love or to be loved
That's what I think about when you come to mind
Is it better to stay here and love you
Or to leave and finally be loved
You have always been my top priority
But I was not even second choice for you
My heart sinks to even write this
Because it means I know the truth
It's just hard to accept it.
You are worth everything, don't settle for less.
Brieona Newman Nov 2017
I can still remember the time we met
you were standing there confident and proud
and i was lingering and shy
you spoke to me
so poisonously I falsely thought it was love
you trapped me for months
treating me poorly
I made excuses although
because I loved you
but the cloud is slowly lifting away
and I am realizing this is not love
this is controlling
I can still remember the time I realized
I love you
but I can no longer  
Brieona Newman Feb 2018
To love you is like waking up on Christmas morning and getting everything you ask for.

To love you is better than winning the lottery.

To love you is like making a cake and eating it too.

To love you is the best feeling in the world.

And because of you, I learn I can love myself too.
Brieona Newman Dec 2017
People say I'm lucky to have my mother alive
they do not know is that my mother has been dead
the woman who lives in my home is not a mother
she does not take care of me when need be
she's not there to comfort me when I am sad
she is the hurricane that makes me question is it worth it to fight
or to just give up and drown
she downs ***** like you would with your favorite juice
she cannot handle the responsibilities she has given herself
and sometimes I think it would be better if she was dead
so I wouldn't have to explain everyone
that her body lives, but she's been gone for awhile
Brieona Newman Dec 2017
tell me what it was
for me not to be good enough for you
that you had to go out and find someone else
while I sit here alone
wondering maybe it's because you just didn't love me.
Brieona Newman Nov 2017
A mother is suppose to love and protect you
but alcohol slithers into my mothers bloodstream and strips her from it
now sits a woman before me who i cannot recognize
alcohol is for cuts not drinking
but were you drinking it to heal the wounds on your heart?
you were suppose to shield me from pain
but you've caused the most
Brieona Newman Mar 2018
To finally let go of the idea
I cannot control everything
That is out of my hands
Is the most powerful healing process
I have decided to persue
I have stopped stressing myself out
Over the fact that I cannot help everyone
My mind is at peace
And I've been happier
My relationship is improving
My mental health is better
I'm no longer physically tired
And I just enjoy being alive.
My journey has definitely not been an easy one
But I have learned a lot about myself.
I believe everyone is not beneficial to me
Most will not have the best intentions for me at heart
And not everyone has good within them
No more excuses for people who don't deserve them
But more importantly;
No more chances to people who aren't willing to change
And accepting apologizes from people who aren't sorry.
I make myself a priority
Because I am the only one who has me at the end of the day
I love myself
And no one can ever take that away.
Sad
Brieona Newman Jan 2018
Sad
And I knew you didn’t care when I was flooding in tears broken
that you did not love me as much as I thought you did
this is when I realized how alone I am in this big world
gasping for air, begging you to help me
you just left without feeling bad.
you’ve been gone without me knowing
i know now what i mean to you;
a whole bunch of nothing
Brieona Newman Jan 2018
When I woke up and looked over at you
on that cold September day
I realized I had everything I ever wanted too
I contemplated on what to say
as you glanced at me cold
I wanted to turn and hide my face
the words you spoke to me were so bold
my heart began to race
and in an instant it dropped
tears started to stream
you started to speak but stopped
the smile pierced on your face beamed
you left me like I was worthless
as if I was a bother in your time
you said it was too much stress
to deal with all of my victim less crimes
I sit here unable to speak
my mind wonders with unspoken thoughts
my eyes continue to leak
my heart rots
it's been months now
and I've finally got over the past
I taught myself to not cry somehow
and I know I'm going to heal at last
Brieona Newman Apr 2018
as i write this
i’m sitting on the bathroom floor
repeating every memory
every word.
i’m hyperventilating
my chest is so heavy.
stay please i beg you
i love you so much please stay.
the pain is almost unbearable
my heart is completely ripped out.
i don’t understand it
i’m so in love with you
please stay.
Brieona Newman Jan 2018
There are days i cannot get out of bed
where i cannot pick myself up to take care of myself
where i cannot talk to anyone for days.
And then there are days where i feel like i couldn’t be happier
where i go to bed and i cannot fall asleep because my cheeks burn from smiling.
But today, as i try to get up, i cannot
and it’s okay
because i know i will be okay.

— The End —