my heart is beating quicker than it’s supposed to
and I don’t think I can stay in the same room as
you without falling from my skin
and I’m falling falling
and my heart just hit the ground and the rest of me
is spilling out
and this was supposed to be a poem about love
and the way you make me feel like I’m wrapped in
outer space, warm under a blanket of stars, like
I’m safe
but I’m burning alive and stars aren’t as pretty
when they’re hot in your throat
and you loved me you loved me last night but that
was 16 hours ago and 16 hours doesn’t seem like
enough time to fall out of love
but it is
and 16 hours doesn’t seem like enough time to
fix yourself
because it’s not
so I think I’ll stay here in the dark for awhile
because the sky is pitch-black without the stars
and we fell asleep in love
and I’m the only one who woke up
and I’ve been shaking you
and you won’t hold my hand like I need you to
and I miss you
I miss you
and I bet that when she kisses you
she can’t taste the little cracks in your
chest or the reasons you won’t call your
father back
like I do
I ******* do
and I see the entire world in you
and all you see in me is a black hole
and you used to like the way I laughed
and the way I tuck my hair behind my
ear when I’m nervous
but that was 16 hours ago
and apparently 16 hours is enough time
to fall out of love”

I have never known love.
I have never been held by somebody who said
“We fit together”.
There has never been another
And that is fine.
I can’t live up to someone’s standards
And I can’t give more than I can take.
Of my heart to only one.
There isn't a part of me
That I can let ache
Because I need him by me.
I can’t give up drinking, and messing myself up,
Until I am tangled and bent.
It is my art, and it is an instinct
To remain convoluted and tormented.
It’s not a burden I can lay on someone without guilt.
Everyone is shallow to some extent,
And unless he is beautiful superficially,
I won’t be able to step out holding his hand.
Walk, head held high,
Telling the crowd that yes, he is mine
And I am his.
There are parts of me I love,
Slender ankles, fragile eyes,
But too many that I hate.
So it is impossible to believe someone
Who tells me that I am deadly
Beautiful,
Until those parts are blotted out, fixed.
I will continue to have to deal with anorexia and depression,
States that will always threaten to asphyxiate me
And I understand these are things that most people can’t understand.
This sort of continual struggle
Which I let creep beneath my thoughts
Every single ******* day.
Parts of me that are locked away,
Quietly pushed to the furthest corners
Under the bed
Shamefully.
There are dreams of coffee in the morning,
Cigarettes after ***,
Fingers down my back,
And falling asleep on his lap.
But I am unsure of what to say, and how to act
So he won’t have feelings of being oppressed or worse
Unloved.
I swing between extremes,
And there is no in between.
I live explosively, and that’s not something
Easily accepted.
Terrified of all these rules and warnings
And reining back,
I would rather be alone.

we were really good;

we tried to find poems,
songs about us
but they failed,
they weren’t even close,

and there was a lot
to celebrate in that,
there was success in
their failure
and we
drank to
that

too much

Now I Search the weaves of yarn in amazement,
Hours spent in a trance.
At least it cleared faulty expression,
Yet you know ******
Why I am no longer in your gaze.
Theirs gold and rainbows in the shadows and you incline not to understand?
But banish Cupid and his Arrow,
And sway My heart with the wind.
But that's Social disease, or Poetic Insanity.
My Madness derives from romantic distraction.
Your Love is what you faker, which you created a pilgrim.
Like pendulum strokes to desire, I'll fade away....

I tucked my throwaway tears
into the cracks of city sidewalks,
between the phantom footprints
that you left behind on your
way to something better.

So maybe you’re running scared without the running.
there are hands on your thighs that tell you
every place i touch is a home to me.
and you feel lucky that somebody finally thinks that
you’re worthy of being a roof to them.
and you know what it’s like to move from place to place,
from group to group, from person to person,
looking for a place where your heart and stomach doesn’t
look too big or too small for the people around you.
I’ll let you in on a secret:
your heart will always be the same size.
instead of finding the perfect sized hands to fit it into,
find a pair that will wrap its fingers around you,
find a pair that will stretch its bones to breaking point
because it can’t bear the thought of leaving you vulnerable—
because it knows you will always be a home, whether you
have a roof to offer or not

if I wind up
married to some
stuck up
*****
with
no sense of humor
that never
bites her
nails
and
uses the parking brake

if you call me up
I will
clear my schedule
for you,
I’ll pull on my sneakers
at 3 AM
and
dig up a couple of old songs,

I’ll slide out of the city
like I was never even
there

I taste you on the tip
of every
cigarette I've tried
to replace you with,
to decay you with,
to burn you out and erase you with,
and no amount of tar on my lungs
could ever compare to the damage you've done,
or rot out the fragments
of you in me
(but I will keep trying)

Asylums handle the damaged suicide
Hospitals heal faulty nods
And lovers decline to live or die.
But where do I belong?
When anger shakes my moods foundation,
These tender thoughts of being secluded
In a soul that isn't white, nor black,
But gray.
I said "Eternal,"
for this notion exceeds forever.

Another lonely day
For me to get through
I need to find my way
But that’s hard to do.
Sobriety hurt so bad
I wish to forget
But I gave it all I had
I knew I couldn't handle it.
I need to find a high
And ride it 'til the end
Without it I can't get by
Drugs are like my best friend.
It picks me up when I'm low
And at times gives me hope
It helps the real me to show
And even helps me cope.
It never lets me down
And it never tells a lie
It takes away my frown
And it helps me to get by.
Drugs are like my best friend
When I’m left all alone
On them I'll always depend
Because I’m scared of the unknown.
Its been a hell of a ride
But now it must end
I know deep down inside
Drugs aren't my best friend.

I’d gladly go somewhere else
if there were anywhere to go
somewhere I might belong
where I might breathe
and simply be
yet it doesn’t matter where I go
for I can never get away from me

I loved him
with my soul, and
he loved me
with his limbs
and I guess I didn't
mind,
for a while,
because I
couldn't tell the difference,
until I saw those
careless limbs
wrapped and grown around
the soul of
another

I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me.
That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body.
You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms
and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine
or eyes that never stay dry.
You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights
with boys who never learn my last name.

I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me
You think it’s romantic to **** the girl who writes poems about you.
You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own.
But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless.
And try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone
and you will not let me in.
You will tell me to go home

some days
were built to
rip you apart

sometimes
if your lifestyle
lets you
you can sleep
through them

but more often than
not
you have to
take them head on
sober

like bowling pins

as the ball rolls
towards you

I loved a sad girl once,
but there wasn't much
in it for me

I spoiled her rotten,
gave her
everything I had
and in some respect, she
did the same for me --
but she didn't have much to give

she wasn't ready to
fall in love, or
show her heart to anyone
except maybe the devil

we ****** like animals,
until she could no longer stand
the sight of me,
or the taste;
but she stuck around
a little longer

I never knew quite why;
I think she just wanted to be saved

You'll never love yourself
half as much as I love you.
You'll never treat yourself right darling
but I want you to.
If I let you know,
I'm here, for you.
Maybe you'll love yourself
like I, love you.

part of me wants to die.
part of me wants to shred my
skin to pieces, and bleed out
all my sorrows.

part of me wants to cry
and scream, and
force everyone to listen.

part of me wants to
keep on trying, and
to never give up.

all of me wants to
just be okay again.

I don't sleep.

I pace.
I ponder.
I plan.
I plot.
I worry.
I wonder.
I wax.
I wane.
I relive.
I rethink.
I rehash.
I regret.
I contemplate.
I evaluate.
I deliberate.
I ruminate.
I analyze.
I strategise.
I dramatize.
I fantasize.
I brood.
I delude.
I stress.
I obsess.
I oppress.
I'm a mess..

& I don't sleep.

You’re finally becoming the
person you were meant to be

like
you have found a
balance between
how to give the
world what it needs

and how to
hold on
to what you
need.

I saw you

farther from the
edge
and

you looked good.

Oh, to trade my feet for fins.
To make the sea my home, and never
touch the ground again.

not all poetry is written
nor does every poet write,
my lover is a poet who
turns skin to parchment
and composes sonnets
in the night.

I visited
the park today,
just for old time's sake,
and rode the swings too high,
until I feared
I'd flip over the top.

Falling face first
toward the ground
was the only way
I could recreate
the sinking in my gut
I felt when we would
kiss.

I am not depressed
I can still smile at pretty things.
And laugh when jokes are funny.
I can talk to people.
And enjoy nice days.


But when I go inside,
When I am alone,
There is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet
That it englufs me.
I look in the mirror.
And I don't like what I see.
And so the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep.
And I miss something.
That doesn't exist.


I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for awhile.
But I can still see the light.
I can still smile.

My mama said its just a phase
I just wanna get you high
Look at the bright lights
Pop a pill now I'm zoning
in the sky make you fly
sip slow on that poison
not sure where I'm goin
I'm dialated
the popo keeps starin at us
the locals keep glarin at us
these beans keep me near sighted
that *** got me so excited
I bite the bullet
I keep the rifle close
I got the spins
but I got to fight it
but I think I'm losin my mind
but it could be worse
I'm sure that I'm fine
as I check the time
I cant remember the night
I pay the price of giving my life
flying up high
and they all around me
**** *******, some bomb *** ****
mixin up my potion
marijuana stay potent
pop a pill now im zoning
I'm zoning, zoning

His body is
a playground

on which

my fingers and lips
have a standing play date,
where they chase each other
from shoulder to shoulder
and slip and slide

down vertebrae
each morning while

he sleeps.

Do you think because you touched me you know me?
You're just a boy
and I have galaxies growing inside of me
But you believe because we shared the same sheets
You can control me and destroy me
But I'm standing up and saying no
I can't seem to let these feelings go
Where you've been, many others have been before
Doesn't mean I'll miss you any more
The rest? they thought they were the best
But me? no one can see inside thee
I build up walls so no one gets in,
No hurt, no pain, but the sunshine doesn't get let it in
Very much I'm alone
The own queen to her thrown and where a king should be
The seat is sitting empty
Care free to join me
but only if you'll love me

Flying on Oxycontin
Feelin lonely and forgotten
Mind reeling
Don't know what the hell I'm feelin
Letting time do the revealing

Staring into space
Caring only with disgrace
While reality slaps me in the face

Goin so slow
Like where'd the hell I go
Lost cause no one will ever know

Falling further
Day n night become a merger
Soul gone like it was ******

Speed slows down
Fumbling, tumbling to the ground
Relief knowing no ones around
Finding solace
Reality not to be missed
Lost in intoxicated bliss

Although I know it
Its only for the moment
Temporary peace
Self induced release
Its too much, its a lot and
I'm flying on Oxycontin
feeling lonely n forgotten..

maybe one day i’ll catch you
between
lovers
with
your famous smile
and a bottle
between us
and
catch
the moment
we lost years ago

maybe the sun won’t
go all the way
down
and we can sit
forever,
suspended between
today
and
tomorrow

I want to know
what you are doing
every minute
of every day.

Where you go
who you see
how you think
what you dream.

But I know nothing
anymore, except
that it is probably
better that way.

Smelling morning dew,
sunshine shining through,
left with last nights mistakes that I cant undo,
I want to help you from this never ending fall,
but there's nothing I can do when you're locked behind their walls.
I tried to run away, in your arms I wish I'd stayed,
but the out come would not have changed any other way.
They fooled me, they fooled you too, all for what? a little glue?
You cant blame me and I wont blame you,
but nothing has been okay since the day I started with those little green devils, oh what can we do?
Nothing but pray it'll get better one day?
no now is the chance, to finish what is wrong, make everything right.
so I wont be writing these poems.
Its unfair to put ourselves through such shame, the blame game,
I cant explain how its hurting me and I want to tell,
but telling means getting help, and I'm afraid nothing will ever change

Where I'm from, there isn't an
ocean for miles;
and yet, each day, dozens of
seagulls flock
to the parking lot
at school.
I've spent so long wondering
why they continue to return --
there's nothing for them here.

Then again, I suppose we have
that much in common

This is the kind of cold that makes your
teeth feel like they have skin.
This is a twenty lined story about
your beggar arms and your open hands.
This is about finding warmth in whiskey
when you’re not much of a drinker.
You can’t even hold your water let alone
your drink—or your tongue, or your heart.
One glass too much and you’re vomiting
sonnets into the phone, into the gutter.
***** something into me.
I don’t care if it’s last night’s Chinese
or last year’s tears.
The world isn’t in your books and maps.
And it isn’t out there.
It’s here.
It’s here.
Take my gloves for the cold.
They’re yours, okay?
Our hands have always been the same size

Tell me how we got here
Tell me that you still care
I know you don't
But I just try to front like nothings wrong
Did it hurt when you held me?
Is that why you stay away?
I could say it but you won't believe me
You say you do, but you don't deceive me
Is my skin covered in thorns
Broken, ripped and torn
Your skin must be worn off
Awake but its like a lucid dream
I might be trippin but my mama don't know
I'm dilated see the evidence
The popo's keep starin at us
Locals glarin at us
I'll bite the bullet, kiss the rifle
Sip the poison like this
Drug dealers wanna be my friend
But I'm not here to pretend
Mix up that potion
Pop a pill and I'm rollin
Nightmares at midnight
I don't know where I'm goin

"Sick"
Hi,
My name’s _,
And I’m an addict…

And like so many others,
I’ve watched
The smoky hot
Breath
Of death,
Pass me by,
Smelled the end
Just miss me,
For no reason,
Demise,
Gave grave glares
Into my eyes
And tried,
To turn them hollow
Black,
I felt the whiplash crack
Of fate
Slash my back,
So deep,
I had to sleep,
On my stomach,
I’ve been lucky

See I was once worlds away
From these buckled knees
You see on stage,
Caged
In my own head
Behind iron bars of rage
Intangible,
The roller coaster of my life,
Had no track,
My pool,
Was all tidal waves and deep end,
I couldn’t depend
On myself
To feed myself,
Needed a shot to jumpstart my heart
And just be myself,
A circle I could never break,
And matter of fact
That roller coaster did have a track,
But it was all flat,
And just went round and round
Like that…

I’ve watched so many souls
Fall victim to the grips of addiction
Hopeless,
Fantasizing empty aspirations
Like,
Climbing a never-ending ladder to nowhere,
Like
Thinking other people
Were building their castles
On your low self-esteem,
When no one can hurt you
Unless you’re hurting yourself,
Letting them penetrate your skin,
Fill voids with enough poison
To go round,
The foundation of the devil’s playground,
That,
Jungle gym of junk I hid in,
To smoke my **** in instead of play on,
And when for some “game on”,
Meant football,
Or tag,
For me it meant another bag
To smokescreen emotion with,
A virtual loaded clip
Barrel to shaky lips,
Medicating pain,
Selling my self-esteem like old shirts in thrift shops,
I was scared…

So this is for those still fighting,
Those deciding
They are sick of being sick,
Living fix to fix
On obsolete clouds of bliss,
There is hope,
There is hope and there is help,
But the desire to truly want it,
That voice so low,
Crying dreadfully deep in the pit of your gut
For change
Must be a raging
Inferno,
You must be desperate to get this,
I’m not fully there yet,
And may never be,
But I know my destiny
Is telling me,
That there's a way out,
And I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs for this
Without being heard,
Cried oceans,
Hit rubber walls till it hurt,
Shaken fists
And climbed from the slippery pits
Of my own digging,
Cause I was dying,
And sometimes,
I’m tired,
And sometimes,
I’m scared,
And sometimes,
Everything is wrong,
Nothing feels good,
The light at the end of a clogged tunnel,
Is a "No Exit" sign,
There's no redemption for my efforts,
And skies are falling
And eyes are bawling,
And I get on my knees to pray but
I don’t know how
And I find myself crawling,
And sometimes,
It’s hard,
I had to reopen scars I swore I’d never touch,
That were buried under mountains of hardened ****
But the **** needed to pour,
Because revealing,
Is healing,
And I’m sick…

So sick of being crushed,
So sick of
Wandering deserts with a broken compass
I’ve done this
Far too long,
And I’m sick of the,
Insanity,
Sick of being told,
I cannot be
Something,
Sick of hurting everyone
Who showed me
A wink of affection,
Word of direction,
Or mirror reflection
Of myself…

I’m sick,
And I want change…

there are cut lines of powder
on a mirror on my desk
and I am doing my best
not to think of what you would say
if you knew
there are eight reasons
in my gut
for why I am failing
and I am railing
so hard against myself
that all you see is me
keeping busy
I am offering my palm
to the sun each morning
giving my green thumb to the plants
on my window sill
layering my face with aloe leaves
you might find it hard to believe
what I do
on a tuesday night

**** the money, cause I'd rather call out like Cobain
With a bullet through my temple,
now I got no brains
Like **** em' and **** the world,
you can have it dawg
Y'all ain't no better, I ain't mad at y'all
Cause I'd rather be buried in my grave
Than live life like a slave
Trying to escape these green demons
No where to run, no friends
Just fiends
And by all means
Just let me be, to yell and scream
******* get away from me
Pushing everyone away
is what I do best
no future
edit this later wassuup

Liquid poetry
streams down
my face
as my
demons taunt
and I plead
for grace.

I saturate
my pages
with this
relentless desire
for a beautiful
tomorrow
where faith
is all I require

It’s a different kind of Friday.

One where, if I inhale deeply enough, I might catch the tail end of your air.

One where, with arms fully extended, we could possibly graze fingertips.

One where you are as near as you have ever been.

Today, you are as near as here.

You're not a solider
You're not a veteran
But (you've) fought more battles
than one
And you've (got) the wounds lining
Your thighs and wrists to prove it
You have more weapons than soldiers
are allowed (to) carry
You fight a new battle each night
But somehow you're still (hang)ing
(on)