I don't sleep.

I pace.
I ponder.
I plan.
I plot.
I worry.
I wonder.
I wax.
I wane.
I relive.
I rethink.
I rehash.
I regret.
I contemplate.
I evaluate.
I deliberate.
I ruminate.
I analyze.
I strategise.
I dramatize.
I fantasize.
I brood.
I delude.
I stress.
I obsess.
I oppress.
I'm a mess..

& I don't sleep.

I loved a sad girl once,
but there wasn't much
in it for me

I spoiled her rotten,
gave her
everything I had
and in some respect, she
did the same for me --
but she didn't have much to give

she wasn't ready to
fall in love, or
show her heart to anyone
except maybe the devil

we ****** like animals,
until she could no longer stand
the sight of me,
or the taste;
but she stuck around
a little longer

I never knew quite why;
I think she just wanted to be saved

I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me.
That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body.
You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms
and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine
or eyes that never stay dry.
You will fall into her bed and I’ll go back to spending Friday nights
with boys who never learn my last name.

I have chased off every fool who has tried to sleep beside me
You think it’s romantic to **** the girl who writes poems about you.
You think I’ll understand your sadness because I live inside my own.
But I will show up at your door at 2 am, wild-eyed and sleepless.
And try and find some semblance of peace in your breastbone
and you will not let me in.
You will tell me to go home

I am not depressed
I can still smile at pretty things.
And laugh when jokes are funny.
I can talk to people.
And enjoy nice days.


But when I go inside,
When I am alone,
There is something broken.
And I fall into a sadness so sweet
That it englufs me.
I look in the mirror.
And I don't like what I see.
And so the tears always fall
When I'm falling asleep.
And I miss something.
That doesn't exist.


I am not depressed.
I've just been sad for awhile.
But I can still see the light.
I can still smile.

Do you think because you touched me you know me?
You're just a boy
and I have galaxies growing inside of me
But you believe because we shared the same sheets
You can control me and destroy me
But I'm standing up and saying no
I can't seem to let these feelings go
Where you've been, many others have been before
Doesn't mean I'll miss you any more
The rest? they thought they were the best
But me? no one can see inside thee
I build up walls so no one gets in,
No hurt, no pain, but the sunshine doesn't get let it in
Very much I'm alone
The own queen to her thrown and where a king should be
The seat is sitting empty
Care free to join me
but only if you'll love me

Oh, to trade my feet for fins.
To make the sea my home, and never
touch the ground again.

Smelling morning dew,
sunshine shining through,
left with last nights mistakes that I cant undo,
I want to help you from this never ending fall,
but there's nothing I can do when you're locked behind their walls.
I tried to run away, in your arms I wish I'd stayed,
but the out come would not have changed any other way.
They fooled me, they fooled you too, all for what? a little glue?
You cant blame me and I wont blame you,
but nothing has been okay since the day I started with those little green devils, oh what can we do?
Nothing but pray it'll get better one day?
no now is the chance, to finish what is wrong, make everything right.
so I wont be writing these poems.
Its unfair to put ourselves through such shame, the blame game,
I cant explain how its hurting me and I want to tell,
but telling means getting help, and I'm afraid nothing will ever change