I have lived most of my adult life living in a constant state of anxiety.

After finally feeling as though I have conquered my relationship anxiety, I feel anxious about things I’ve never thought of before.

I used to compulsively think and worry about whether or not my partner is the one, if I will end up divorced or childless, if I should break up with my partner, if I should fix things with an old partner, etc.

Now, I am simply anxious about death.

I feel so content in my relationship for the first time but my brain still somehow finds a way to ruin me.

It’s laughing at me saying “Now you’ll get to worry about not making it to see your happiest days.”

It has made my OCD skyrocket. I am compulsively acting in ridiculous behaviors because my brain is telling me that if I don’t, my partner or I will die.

It feels as though I am being punished for making all of those mistakes between the years of my abuse and now.

It’s fine, I deserve it and more.
It’s fine, I can handle it and more.

Years ago you walked into my life
I can still picture what you were wearing

It popped up as a memory on Snapchat
Like a punch in the gut

The feeling I had was indescribable
To think that it has been that long

I think the feeling I was hit with was regret
Or maybe nostalgia? I’m not sure

I know it’s something I’ll live with forever
I will be married with kids and still get hit with that same feeling if your name is brought up

Don’t get me wrong I don’t miss the past
I don’t miss what we went through
What I put you through

But I think I will always miss… you
Your humor
Your kindness
Your selflessness
Our endless conversations
Our craving each others attention

I still check up on you every now and then
More often than I’d like to admit
And no it’s not how you think

I check to see if you’re okay
Which I guess is a hard thing to tell over social media but
I check to see if you’re having fun with friends
I check to see what funny tweets you retweet (we really did have the same sense of humor)
I check because I need to know that you’re happy
So that the guilt doesn’t eat away at me as much
So maybe I am still being selfish in that way

My only saving grace is knowing how great of a person you are
Knowing you will (or already have) found happiness again in someone else

I know now we have too much history to ever get back what we had
Or could’ve had

I don’t believe in soulmates
But I do believe we were put together for a reason
“right person wrong time”
to teach us a lesson

And **** did I learn that lesson.

People don't talk enough about the aftermath of abuse
Reflecting on the last 6 years has taught me a lot about trauma
How it can follow you for years
How it can still show up in your dreams every now and then
How it can change you into someone you don't even recognize

Even after therapy
even after processing and healing
and even after time
it is so hard to have a healthy relationship with someone new

The triggers follow you
even when you're convinced they don't exist anymore

For example,
I remember throwing myself out of a moving vehicle 4 years after because my boyfriend and I were arguing after a night out drinking
In that moment I was back with abusive ex
the memory of him forcing me in his car drunk and not letting me leave even after hitting a parked car was so present in my brain
it was like it was happening again
except it wasn't
not even close

Fast forward and 6 years later I am still learning how to effectively communicate with my current boyfriend

There's not a day that goes by where I am not utterly shocked at how an argument can just stay exactly that...an argument
It doesn't have to grow into something bigger
something that causes people to say or do hurtful things
something that takes days or even weeks to get over
something that ends in heart break

I find myself bracing for impact with every disagreement
something as simple as "I shouldn't have done/said that, I'm sorry" causes me to spiral
something simple still causes me to experience a wave of anxiety
anxiety I can't ignore or wish away
but instead have to work through
over and over again

To this day I am learning how to love again
I experienced abuse at the age of 19
It's like my brain was hardwired wrong
and now I need to spend years fixing it

To this day I am learning how to not crave toxicity
my brain has confused love with abuse and comfort with boredom
I find myself craving constant reassurance
I find myself panicking when I should feel comfort
I find myself mad at how I still feel these things

But the truth is
I am too ******* myself
What I experienced
and what many other men and women experience
IS HARD
It's not something you can forget
or pretend never happened
I tried that and it just prolonged the inevitable

The truth is
I have come such a long way
I was changed in so many ways
but I have also grown in just the same

I will continue to grow and heal
I will continue to learn how to love again

I know I am on the right track
I feel myself getting so close

I want a healthy relationship so badly
One I can be proud of and seek comfort in
One I can spend the rest of my life enjoying

Isn’t it weird how abusive people can somehow make you feel like you’re the crazy one?

Like you were the one who cared too much
The one who reacted poorly
The one who loved too hard
The one who was always in the wrong

When in reality you were the one who
protected them
defended them
forgave them

Over
And
Over
When they didn’t deserve it in the first place

It really makes you wonder
Just how messed up their brain is
Just how warped of a view on the past they must have

But now
You’re the one living with the aftermath
You’re the one with the messed up brain
You’re the one with a warped view on love
You’re the one trying desperately to get it right
years later

All the while your abuser is living a life full of blissful ignorance

It's something I crave daily to try and lessen the anxiety I experience in life

I need control in every aspect of my life
something as simple as cleaning
all the way down to my own feelings

When I lack control in one aspect of my life
it intensifies in another

I try my best to avoid feeling different emotions because I begin to feel out of control when I feel them

I listen to sad songs because it allows me to control a specific feeling in that moment

I am not sure where this habit was learned
I am not sure when this habit was formed

but it has created such a strain on my life
I need to learn to be okay without control
or just less of it

I don't trust myself when it comes to love
I have made too many mistakes
regretted too many decisions

but where does that leave me now?
I can't make decisions based off of how I feel
because how I feel is tainted with anxiety

I feel stuck in time
while the days pass by me
unable to make decisions
fearing that I will one day regret them

so instead
as time moves on
I do not

When I'm anxious I feel frozen in place
like my feet are glued to the floor
like the air I gasp for is thick and humid

When I'm anxious I feel tired
like my mind is running a marathon
like my heart is begging to take a break

When I'm anxious I feel broken
like I am constantly scrambling to seem put together
like my reflection can see through my facade
ashamed of what it is looking at

When I'm anxious I feel hopeless
like no one can possibly help me
like I will forever feel this way