I remember watching Perks of Being A Wallflower in high school and hearing the quote “You accept the love you think you deserve” for the first time.

I remember going home and googling the quote, unable to understand the deep meaning behind it.

I remember wondering why everyone who saw the movie raved over the quote.

But I get it now.

I am a product of it.

I’ve avoided this feeling for so long. In fear that if I put it into words it would make it come true. But I’ve known for awhile now.

I am loved.
I am cared for.
I love.
I care.
It should be enough.
I want it to be enough.

But the monster that lives inside me craves more. They will not leave me alone.
I remind the monster that I don’t deserve it.
I tell the monster that after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve done, I need to be happy with what I have.
I continue to keep the monster at bay. Refusing to let it consume me and search for something greater.
I urge the monster to leave. Beg even.

I am happy. I need that to be enough.

I’ve made my bed.
I will lie in it.

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk taker when it comes to love.

The hopeless romantic in me has gotten me into trouble in the past.

But why when it comes to you, was I so **** cautious?
Unable to take that leap. Even years later.

I fight between a number of reasons.
Knowing there’s truth behind each one of them.
Some more than others.

1- You deserve better.
2- I will always be the person that hurt you and to live with that daily reminder would eat me alive.
3- You are better than me in almost every single way and I don’t think my insecurities could handle being less than.
4- I was scared that I would fall into old habits, dark feelings swallowing me whole, reminding me of the past.
5- I was scared to crave toxicity only to end up hurting you again.
6- I was scared. Period.

I have lived so many lives.
Pictured so many different futures for myself.

I have been the victim.
I have been the villain.
I have burned every past version of myself.

My current version is the only life I want to live.
The life where love comes naturally.
The life where I chose safety and comfort with no regrets.
The life where I try and try and try.

The problem is I can’t burn the old versions that live inside my head.
Almost every single night I dream.
Each dream has the same message.
One where I am with an old version of myself.
One where I do life differently.
One where I keep seeing him. Or him. Or him.

But I’m angry.
It’s not fair that my old versions can live freely in my dreams.
With no remorse.
With no consequences.

It’s as if my dreams visit as a daily reminder that I will never escape my past.

I have grown so accustomed to these dreams, I wake up every morning saying “hello old friend”.

Knowing this is my penance.

I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself

I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me

One that I would be happy with

But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering

And knowing
That things could be different

It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed

But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back

With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it

Why I must ignore the ivy

Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving


Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that

You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there

I can’t respond
I won’t respond

I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you

You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us

The difference is

I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.

I was not prepared
Seeing you for the first time in years felt like the air was punched right out of me
I’m not sure if I pretended well enough
I’m not sure I care

If this was years ago, I would’ve talked to you
I would’ve texted you after
Not caring where you were at in life
Where I’m at…

I’ve always been selfish with my feelings
I’m trying not to be
I kept my space
Until I heard my name being called to come join everyone

I couldn’t stop looking up at the stars
Or lack there of

I couldn’t stop telling myself that this is what I deserve
This feeling of regret

And instead of making it known
Trying to fix it
Or get what I could back

I just keep reminding myself that I need to leave us there
in the past
and continue moving forward

I will not disrupt lives for my own selfish feelings

I only wonder how long you’ll be visiting me in my dreams
Like my own form of torture.

I go through days where I feel as though I don’t deserve this love, this life.

I try my best to remember that the abuse I endured was real and damaging.

That what I went through would’ve affected anyone who stood in my shoes the same way.

I can accept the abuse
I have accepted it a long time ago.

I just can’t seem to accept how long my healing journey took me and the people I hurt along the way.

I had been unknowingly lying to myself and others thinking I was fine when I in fact was far from it.

The truth is, I was so used to feeling that way that I thought it was normal. Now 7 years later I can only describe it as feeling like a foggy version of myself.

I thought because I wasn’t in my room crying, I was fine. I figured because I still had a social life, I couldn’t be traumatized.

I ended up subconsciously accepting the love I thought I deserved and then got upset and blamed my partner when it turned out to not be the love I wanted in the end.

I turned away the love I knew that I wanted but was too scared to feel, only I turned away too late, after the damage was already inflicted.

I can forgive myself for enduring the abuse for far longer than I should’ve.

I can not forgive myself for hurting others through my journey of healing.