Your reasons and explanations for treating me poorly do not negate my feelings toward it.

Maturing is realizing an apology for how you made the other person feel is more important than being in the right.

You always were bad at swallowing pills.

You’d think after 15 years I’d feel more than just anger

Instead I wake up each day waiting for it all to hit me

Waiting for the realization that I lost my best friend

But I think I lost her years ago

In the end I know it was my decision
My boundary being set
My feelings ignored

My anger keeps me company
Fearful that when it dissipates all that will be left in its place is regret


So each day I remind myself of why it came to this

Why I can’t be friends with someone who cannot take accountability without deflection and victim playing

Why I can’t be friends with someone who fights mean

Why I can’t be friends with someone who puts no effort into friendships but expects people to stick around

Why I can’t be friends with someone only through a phone

Why I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t show up for me when it really counts

I think I knew this day would come for awhile
It doesn’t lessen the blow
Or erase the shared tattoo


But it does bring me some sort of peace

I remember watching Perks of Being A Wallflower in high school and hearing the quote “You accept the love you think you deserve” for the first time.

I remember going home and googling the quote, unable to understand the deep meaning behind it.

I remember wondering why everyone who saw the movie raved over the quote.

But I get it now.

I am a product of it.

I’ve avoided this feeling for so long. In fear that if I put it into words it would make it come true. But I’ve known for awhile now.

I am loved.
I am cared for.
I love.
I care.
It should be enough.
I want it to be enough.

But the monster that lives inside me craves more. They will not leave me alone.
I remind the monster that I don’t deserve it.
I tell the monster that after everything I’ve been through, everything I’ve done, I need to be happy with what I have.
I continue to keep the monster at bay. Refusing to let it consume me and search for something greater.
I urge the monster to leave. Beg even.

I am happy. I need that to be enough.

I’ve made my bed.
I will lie in it.

I’ve always considered myself a bit of a risk taker when it comes to love.

The hopeless romantic in me has gotten me into trouble in the past.

But why when it comes to you, was I so **** cautious?
Unable to take that leap. Even years later.

I fight between a number of reasons.
Knowing there’s truth behind each one of them.
Some more than others.

1- You deserve better.
2- I will always be the person that hurt you and to live with that daily reminder would eat me alive.
3- You are better than me in almost every single way and I don’t think my insecurities could handle being less than.
4- I was scared that I would fall into old habits, dark feelings swallowing me whole, reminding me of the past.
5- I was scared to crave toxicity only to end up hurting you again.
6- I was scared. Period.

I have lived so many lives.
Pictured so many different futures for myself.

I have been the victim.
I have been the villain.
I have burned every past version of myself.

My current version is the only life I want to live.
The life where love comes naturally.
The life where I chose safety and comfort with no regrets.
The life where I try and try and try.

The problem is I can’t burn the old versions that live inside my head.
Almost every single night I dream.
Each dream has the same message.
One where I am with an old version of myself.
One where I do life differently.
One where I keep seeing him. Or him. Or him.

But I’m angry.
It’s not fair that my old versions can live freely in my dreams.
With no remorse.
With no consequences.

It’s as if my dreams visit as a daily reminder that I will never escape my past.

I have grown so accustomed to these dreams, I wake up every morning saying “hello old friend”.

Knowing this is my penance.

I can finally say that I’m happy with the life that I’ve built for myself

I can finally see a future that doesn’t scare the **** out of me

One that I would be happy with

But that doesn’t stop myself from thinking
And dreaming
And wondering

And knowing
That things could be different

It was easier thinking you hated me
Thinking that the ivy you planted in me was rotten from the ground up
Turning each leaf brown as time passed

But I forgot that ivy is resilient
It doesn’t take much for it’s leaves to grow back

With each leaf that grows inside of me I have to remind myself of why I must not tend to it

Why I must ignore the ivy

Because I did not care for my plant years ago
Because I am bound to **** it again, eventually
Because maybe if I pretend it’s not there, it’ll grow in an environment more deserving


Because I can not stop staring at the dead leaves on the ground serving as my daily reminder that I am the cause of that

You say let’s meet up to see if there’s still something there

I can’t respond
I won’t respond

I will not let myself repeat the past
As much as I want to be selfish
As much as I’m dying to be reckless
With you

You say let’s meet up to see if we’re still us

The difference is

I don’t need to see you again
To know that we are.