never realized how much
music i made until
she was gone.

the snare on the
table.

the cling on the
railing.

against my phone
nervous twitch.
clicking the clip

on

black pen.
the drop in
left pocket.

snare. snap.
boom. bip.
shuffle. tap.
slip of lips.

synchronizing a
new chorus.

now

the hits are hollow.
the verse empty.
sans ring.

thump.

i actually saw sad before. in words.
i saw her laying on the floor.
next to me. as i read her quietly.

leaning against the couch. lifting a
glass of wine to her mouth. as she
shouted how she hated me.

touching. then inhaling.
begging. then crying.
a crook. who repents.

in the robbed. smoke-filled.
brooklyn apartment.

crinkled. crumbled.
waste basket. shot.
not empty. but filled.

with sad.

tears.

helping me realize the
should-haves and what-ifs.

a stream running.
over smoothed rocks. forming
bumps from under. drowning pollywogs.

numb. idle. this prosaic.
emotions stacked. like the dishes
in the drying rack.

drip.

drip.

metronome pattern
every morning eight
oh-nine a.m.

just in time for
creamed coffee
and headlines

everything becomes
silent surrounding
the sonic field

    that leads
    that follows
    that's within

steps stepping
sequence ten
second rhythm

from back alley
toward front
boardwalk

by the kitchen
window drapes
drawn

    she glances
    she smiles
    she's gone.

the confidence
spawned from
high heels.

deep sleep
hot spots
grinding teeth
sweat
percolating
from
receding
hairline

trying to
calculate

meditating on

wondering if

all words from
all dictionaries
from all over

the world

were being used
in this very moment
simultaneously.

then i rolled over
to the cold side of
the pillow and
quietly said

"possibly."

like a man
i packed tobacco
into my pipe but
i don’t own a yellow hat

in Shadowlands
C.S. Lewis told me
marriage is for life and
i never forgot that

i struck fire
from a Sahara Club
matchbook
that Carissa gave me
back in ’98

she took her clothes off
dancing
for a living but i didn’t
meet her that way

we used to drink
newcastles, smoke
menthols and walk
Newport’s back bay

we laughed
a lot
and did drugs
at raves

i used to tell her
“when i make it
i will take care
of you everyday.”

i never made it
and tonight
i cleared
my pipe with

one hit

one match

one woman