Staring down the barrel of a gun
A bottle of ***.
Shred from the loved
Torn from the hate.
But saved from reality

The soothing of pain
The warmth and wilfulness
To die in vain.
For the heart feels no pain this way

Nor feels regret
Nor tastes the blood, the tears
That fall from above to cleanse
To wash away as the bottle does
To sink to the lows and the highs of the deep.
The burning remains of a crash that will keep
To be engulfed by excuses and reasons and what
To happen all over again like a knife to the wrist.
Enough to fill with guilt

But not punish with 'death'
Until the nights draw closer
The race grows longer
Until he accepts all sorrows and feels no regrets
In the space and the time that is left he will be free
Be free to be him and no one else
Away from the gasps and judgement
The torture and pain he goes through every day
The world will stop in his wake
He will fly
He will be set free

Let's talk about our fears
I fear I've stolen your life
You fear, you can't fix the broken
But I'm not broken
I never have been
I'm just not what you thought you'd settle for
Because you know ill never be
That trophy wife you wanted in the house with the white picket fence with your two and a half kids
Does it hurt to know that I'll never be what you wanted?
Because it's killing me

My fears manifest themselves in questions
Questions I ask
Questions I think
Questions ill never find
But your answer is always the same
How everything's fine
Everything's okay
But if that's so true why do I feel this way?

I know you want someone more like her
And I'll never be that
It's not me
I guess we should both face our fears
Cause we may not be broken yet
But, my dear, we're heading there.

As I bust the glass
I smell the gas
Fires coming fast
Times almost past
It’s all a wreck
No one’s safe
Everybody check
Everyone alive?
Get out quick
Almost outta time
Sirens scream
Lights burn
Women scream
Tires burn
All there is
Screaming
Burning
Deaths creeping on
Still not safe
Oh! Times gone

I close my eyes
I see mother's picture
A face engrave  in pain
Hair pulls back, in a ponytail
Eyes shows loneliness
Lips close tight,
but I can hear her cries
Her frown to be crown human
Her wanting for happiness,
And a yearning desire to be loved

Verily the exordium told anent a beauty engirdled in her fedora
soliciting those whoever descried her into her mere servile admirer
eight trenchant tinctures upon her body invigorate like a cadenza
I dare not to contradict the verity that I am beguiled afore her

whilst the snain distilled faintly enwreathed her in unctuous silk
concordantly she devote herself earnestly to the impeccable rain
that emanate her fragile poetry with prestidigitation in a whisk
forsooth she is but the vernacular sobriquet to the soul of the rain

recall me otherwhile during the rainstorm champagne did coerce
and the sunset's glass of wine exude her ingratiating persona
like a myriad of aphrodisiac summarized in a single verse
when harmony and lyrics danced in the crepuscular crescendo

all of that needed to be enunciated is it is you
do not harshly let me be thy unrequited dilettante

Like a beer can crushed on a boozed up frat boys head,
It hurt
Even though I said it didn’t
Even though I pretend I’m invincible
Even though you all think I’ve mastered this
I haven’t
It hurt
Like a teeny tiny paper cut from a loose leaf sheet it paper,
It burns
Even though you can’t see the scar
Even though it happens to people every day
Even though I didn’t even know it happened until it was over
It wasn’t over for me
It burns
Like the eyes of an innocent bystander the first day of pollen season
It stings
Even though I’m used to the pain
Even though I should have seen it coming
Even though I’ve been taught how to prevent it
I let it slip my mind
It stings

I am a stubborn creature
I do not learn well from others mistakes
I guess hindsight really is a *****.

I'm drowning under my sheer mediocrity
My ability to confound all talent into an average work
The ambition which drives me
Lessened by the hollow sense of inadequate-ness
That seems to breathe on my neck
At every hour of the day

I close my eyes
The darkness consumes me
I venture into nothing
Embracing the feeling
Wondering what waits
But I think I know…

All the walls are white
My mind didn’t color them tonight
But this isn’t the hospital
The stairs do spiral
But not because I’m sick

I walk up the contraption
Carefully placing each step
On my weightless legs
Searching for…
Memories a blur…
I’ve reached the top
He’s been waiting
I should have gone to bed early

I needed to be with him
Or was that my intention?
Do I even know this man?
He seemed so familiar
Just a moment ago
He seemed like…

He motions me through the doorway
I forget what was on my mind
His brown eyes are urging me
I clear the threshold

And now I’m outside
The grass radiates green
The sky oozes blue
The colors are so vibrant…
Wasn’t I on the second floor?
Where’d that man go?
I’m always chasing him around
He’s always telling me what to do
Always misleading me

There’s a redundancy in this nightly game
I wish he’d go away
But my mind wants me to remember his face
I turn back towards the door
He thinks he fooled me again
I’ll find him soon…

I walk through the strange meadow
Over the flat terrain
There’s a hill on the horizon
This stays the same
I walk faster
The hill is no closer
So much frustration
I hear his voice calling me over

I turn around
He is there
Wearing a giant grin
He’s won again
At least it’s somewhere beautiful
I’m not dwelling in a nightmare
But as soon as I’m content…

The ground drops out
There is nothing around but dark
I remember seeing his face
Remember him…
I try
And then I weep
A speechless dream
Is all he’ll ever be