They all call me a ***.

You're gone and I crave you.

I miss how you cheered me up in an instant. I would binge eat while playing Rift. I ate everything in sight while not playing well. You would motivate me to slow my eating to normal. You would tell me that if I won my battle you'd hug me and never let go. I got third place and I started crying. You reassured me that I was always a winner in your eyes. You told me stupid stories of alligators and snails in Paris , all to get my problems off my mind. You were the one I called after a nightmare or after anything. You answered no matter where you were or what time of day it was. You kept my letters. You told me that your life wouldn't be the same without me , your best friend. You told me "no one can replace you. I love you" and I still hold you to that. You're my best friend and I miss you. I miss our push up contests and our drunk texting and our hugs. Please come and cheer me up now.

I knew I really loved you when you stayed over for a whole day. When I got to see your handsome face before the sun rose. When I held your hand in front of everyone that tried to doubt us. When I got to be there when you rekindled a friendship. When you met my parents closest friend. When we went to the stores together. When you couldn't get the stupid purple bear from the claw machine.

The way you held me that day was perfect. When we walked to the store together it felt so right, like this was how I'm supposed to spend time with you. When I had you so turned on you were dying. When I grinded on you downstairs. There was so much ****** tension.

When you got to see how upset it makes me to see you go. I fell in love with the way you calmed me down. when you got to see me on the verge of tears and you just used this calming tone of voice. When you got to see me digging in the backyard. When you helped tear apart the furniture. When you helped build the pool. That's when I really felt it.

You sat there with my grandfather and figured out how to put together the filter. I kept staring at you and how handsome you looked with the sun kissing you. You had sweat beads on your forehead as you continued to talk. You caught my eyes and smiled at me and then continued building. I was amazed. Only one thought was running through my mind " I could get used to this". And not the fact that you did the hard work. I could get used to you and me. I could get used to you around my family. God, you looked so handsome with the sun beating down on you.  That's the moment when I knew I was in love. Whenever I doubt us , this moment makes everything better because I'm so sure that it's love.

I knew I loved you when you held me in the freezing pool in the dead of night. I knew I loved you when it felt normal to change clothes in front of you. I knew it when I held your hand going into your house. I knew it when you gave me a shirt of yours and I changed right in front of you. I knew it when you kissed me goodnight.

I love you.

I was doing just fine before you. I was happily killing myself slowly. I was happily skipping a meal or two to attain my goal weight. I was happily bringing forth crimson from my wrists. I was happily cursing my lungs with nicotine. I was happily drowning my liver with my pain. I was happily craving the attention of anyone who'd listen. I was happy killing myself, but then you asked me to try.

You asked me why. You asked me to stay. You say that you love me. But who could love a girl with scars? Certainly not the kind that I have. I have too much emotional baggage that I wouldn't want to drag you into. But you still you say you love me. You say you need me.

You don't catch how I cringe before you hold me close. You don't know why commitment is so hard for me. You don't know why I don't want marriage. You don't know why I don't want ***. You don't know the reasons I bawl at night. You don't know why I stay home from school some days. You don't know why I lie to every single person who cares about me. You don't know why I want to die.

Yet you ask me to try. And I forget about all of those things. And I believe you. I believe that maybe you're right. And maybe you're just right for me.

Lately I've been so on the edge. Random people have been pushing me to the point of no return. Calling me names and hurting me. I've almost got into three fights and it's only been a week or two since you left. I can't do this. I'd rather get into those fights and win with no damage done to me; or lose and get sent to the hospital. Either or would make me feel better. I'd want to beat the **** out of the ****** skanks that taunt me. I'd want to take all of my anger out on them. Yet at the same time , I want to lose. I want the pain of a broken nose and ****** body. I can't be peaceful. I'm one foul word away from the point of no return.

I'm in love with you but I'm a wreck. I know I make things so difficult at times. But if you promise to be mine , I'll be yours forever.