I saw you last year this time
I can't believe I was the last person of my family to see you
I can't believe I never saw the letter
I can't believe your belt was your last way out
I can't believe the way I cried at your funeral
I can't believe that I chain smoked outside
and saw so many of my mothers and fathers
as they all hunched over to cry

I just remember loving you dearly
watching you dance for sobriety
and win
and I remember the photos of mom in her old salon
your hair was so big
well, that was the 80s
and I'm sad I didn't live it with you
I can't believe I was the last person to see you
I can't believe you killed yourself
I still can't believe it
So I'll visit your tree in Piedmont Park
and think of all the things I can believe

dish soap soaked rags ripening my skin
as my hands dry out and ache for moisture

an ache for love pruning my skin
as my heart drys out and aches for moisture

I remember waking up to screaming
to loud tvs and sometimes old hip hop playing on our sound system
the lightened heavy twang of country from my old radio being smothered
I could hear you cussing and throwing dishes in the sink

I could hear your heavy sighs and your angry tone under your breath
and I remember waking ***** up to feel comfortable again
I remember crawling in her bed because she was the only place I was safe
and I remember when you threw the gasoline in his eyes
when we were locked out of the house

I remember coming home to an empty house, scared and tired
and screaming at ***** because I needed to take it out on someone
because god forbid me from taking it out on you
and now you want to be my friend
because you can't be a mother

and ***** is off in her new life and we stick together
under the heated lamp of the pressure you still put on both of us
and the other afternoon I woke up again to you slamming a door
and throwing your bags around
and huffing and shouting to yourself
but this time you thought you were alone

maybe that's where you're safest
alone

but now you'll take it all out on her
your mania will worsen through the years
I'll leave, I've left
and you blame me for your misery
but you hide it some days
so I leave you alone
because that's where you're safest

it's easier to lie to myself and say
I'm not falling in love
because it scares me so badly
it's easier to fall out

I'm just a bear cub
following your ways
to see what's okay

I want it to last
like a hurricane of love
in a drought of loneliness

secluded buildings branch our ways
like center parts
and subways

like taxi cabs full of compliments
homeless people full from harvest
books stacked high next to a fan

a tone that reminds me that you
are calling my name
like a terror erased by your care

a print out of your work
next to a scrap copy of my own
a wall full of canvas

you just fill me in

and I like you like a paved street
an empty hallway
and a hall pass

and I want you like a refresher from Starbucks
a new scarf
and used books

and I like you like a full battery
a new musical in theaters
a book that we share

and I want you like thick mascara
a new haircut
and change

so stick around

you ran me over with your ways
I'm ill over the treatment you find to be endearing
leave it to you to think I owe you a **** thing
I'm buying the first plane ticket out of the world you live in
I don't owe you anything

I'm just going to leave you behind

for years I haven't been worthy
I've never written on the left side
I've never counted the right amount of rungs on the ladder of my life
I'll always overestimate
I'll always be underestimated

my legs will fall asleep sitting indian style
I'll lie to myself so many times
I am a thief

my ashtray is overflowing with my secrets
***** ashes of who I used to be
smug butts of forgiveness and regret

you'll never see me as solid
or balanced

I'll never see myself as anything other than the deepest wanderer
and that is an unkempt mess to you

a rushed maneuvering of the wheel

I left a note in my phone for you
a subtle hint that I want more
a shy gesture that I need it

I rushed my last goodbye with you
a silly awkward wave of bore
a shy gesture that I need it

I sang my final song to you
a melody of our time before
a shy gesture that I'm over it

I like you
like I like myself
hairy legged
hollowed eyes
organic thighs

my taste for you
is breaking my mind

I think it's in my blood to love
to be aloof among white picket fences
to scar easily and to cry under a witch's spell
rearrange my things
throw them away
give them away
I'm going to give you away
you're just old ***** laundry
with a stronger stench to you

your long eyelashes, closed for sleep
my rejected hand mingles in your strands of unmanageable hair
my slumbers spent next to you, meant as nothing more than a convenience
my back aches as I wake up from embracing you
thoughtlessly a bad habit

These poems are my heart's tribute to the heartbreak you didn't cause, but you can repair.

swimming in a dropout ocean
drowning in disease
scented waters sleeping in
discussing bended knees

swelling ear drums underwhelmed
living in a giving tree
standing under shadowed rainfall
continuously breaking keys

taking time run out tonight
climbing my own refugee
single spirited willow jars
sorting through debris

golden tints in a darkened room
a deceased flower, wilting after bloom
ears sheltered from a visitant

separation from a lust abandoned
desperation for a calm awakened
weakened by a loose grip

frowns permanent on a year
a tear fallen down
a love all the same

a world under construction
consoled by illusions
of a desire you had proven
to have faded from the strain

love's apostate
a former demise
I bloom a fervid admiration
a hatred never heard
commensurable to my own
a soul never alone

in a brief symmetry
in a quiet crowd of us
two is too many
so I'll go
but it's you
forever mingling
and scraping my lungs
against the pavement of
my poetry

we'll hide together on a gravel pull off
a side to a road we travel every day
the chill is beating down on us
setting fire to the grounds we fall apart on
spreading us into the ashes we dreamed of
as our remains dissolve into each other
we are together again

you call yourself an acosmist
walking around believing nothing exists
filling window sills with forgotten promises
and burnt out joints
spending every minute high and out of your mind
it's a comforting delusion if nothing disappoints

well, I think you've forgotten the hair I cut last summer
the weeks it took to get you out of a slumber
the nights I spent a room away
brooding over ways to have you stay another day
spending early mornings smoking cancer sticks
sorting the magic in my bag of tricks

see, I have yet to forget the pain I felt against your hip
the countless songs sung together in harmony
the way I fit above your voice, like a symphony
how come it's bitter if I'm better and it's lonely when I'm not
a disease that will surely make me forget her
it isn't something I could be taught

I took a shine to him
my heart sticking as if covered in adhesive
a silver silence monitored by detection devices
how fast am I racing
incense smothering the scent of my chain smoking
while I document my sadness on graph paper
I try to find reasoning behind every feeling I have
cognitive reality pulls against me
the way your petite body strings me along
the cowardice I reveal while you hold my heart against a knife
I'll plead with you for a title
with it taken away I am nothing

you remind me of clicking a pen
a substantial lack of ink
a relaxing sound of consistency
remarkably calming
and missed when long gone

I write you poems when I'm high and I sing you songs when I'm sober. I listen to heartbreak when I'm low and watch the leaves fall in October. I read great books when I'm alone and I take warm baths when I'm wholesome. I take long naps when I'm anxious and short walks when I feel numb.

nutella and bread
riding next to you
as we traveled to the school ahead
adventuring the same path
every break of day
I wore a scarf and a coat
to contain my heartbreak
it was winter after all
you drove me insane
I was helplessly in love with our past
it was as if I was mourning the loss
of when I had you last
while we were still intertwined
looking back now
my love for you never died
I could love you forever
and we still wouldn't be
my handfuls of surrender
aren't enough for you and me

loving me is misery
a decade's worth of a mess
and a color stained shower
and a clothing covered bedroom floor
and a makeup cluttered desk
and it's just a ******* mess
loving me

We've fallen apart
but not in pieces
in shards of a globe
that will lead us back to home

When I'm alive, I hate you
And when I'm dead, I want you around

I'm done with stolen hearts, I hate you
and when I'm dead, I want you around

I'm exhausted from this broken mess, I hate you
and when I'm dead, I want you around

I want a future with a husband
a bouquet and a broken heart
I want a smile and some roses
a family and a fragile start

I want a present with a partner
a routine and a pill case
I want a laugh and some kissing
an open heart and a stable place

I want a past with a better scheme
a lover and not a fling
I want a commitment and morality
erased mistake like a bee sting

I'll bake my cookie dough like you know I hate to do
and I'll watch reality tv like I know you hate I do
and I'll sit alone at the kitchen counter like I hate to do
when I'm wasting away over you

I've spent so many late nights and early mornings writing prose in my head
under the pressure of the shower and the heat of the volcano shedding lava on my skin
I spread the wash on my body thinking of you being there as we take turns in the water
my skin burns when I step out and my head rushes as I remember all of the times you passed me my towel and wrapped yourself in yours
I can't think of a time when I haven't wanted you deep within me
whether you were writhing inside of me or pulsing beside me in your sleep
most specifically I can't remember a time when you weren't
in the deepest ventricles of my heart

I'll write about you until my fingers cramp
until I've cluttered my nightstand with empty root beer bottles
and filled my ashtray with the butts of "candy" cigarettes
and I've listened to "Summer 2009" until it replays your final words
in succession
I was never here
was never here
never here
here

do you see the nights like I do, here?
a warm glow of heartbreak under cautious streetlights.
a rush of fallen leaves flowing past me as I try to take a moment by myself.
a suspense in the air of broken promises and aching wrists.
with old bruises and scars from the adventures we once knew.
do you see me like I see you?

one day I promise to be less fragile for you
I won't take every kiss on my forehead too literally
and when you hold my hand I'll know it doesn't mean a thing
but I hope that one day it means something again
maybe as much as the handfuls of goodbyes you've spent on me
or the dumpsters full of hellos you've saved

give me something to do
other than pining over you

and as I mourn the loss of you
I can only imagine you as a memory
as a dream of *******
and a ghost of goodbyes
so let me mourn
it is not the same

you**
with your fake smiles and your broken words
with your hair done perfect and your heart full of curse
casting spells on your victims, reeling them in and spitting them out
now I know it was all a lie, nothing worth talking about

I went back to make my bed
Making beds makes for a better night
a better day a better heart

My luck has turned around
Leaving me with a pro
when I was prepared for every con

spending time figuring out the stress lines of your face
the dimples in your eyes and the straightness of your teeth
finding a way to touch you in the right way
spending time moving my arms in every embrace
to find the one that fits perfectly
like the way you fit on my mouth

I want to fall into the virtual arms of another
To sing with a dove over days up ahead
I want to steal the vibe of a single yellow flower
To create a vibrant aura of love and humbleness

I want to smile again
hold your head to my heart
Smell your scent on my sheets

I want to pick up a trail of your left belongings
unravel your belt and remember what you left with me
a choice of life or death in nights
you left me alone

Keep me in mind when you lie in bed
with another girl
who you want to hold your heart
but she can't, she can't
because my tortured soul is holding it captive
until you come back to the broken mess of me you left

my head is humming from a lack of you
like a constant headache from the wrong prescription
a pounding in my fingertips from cigarette withdrawal
a stomach ache from
far
too
many
pills

I'm stuck
in a coin pouch of conscious
In a brain of confusion
overwhelming anxiety

I'm sick
of a diagnosed state
of a mental stability analysis
of a dosage upped after every visit

I'm alone

I remember false hopes
They bloomed within my wrists
Stripping down my veins to nothing
How easy it may be to cut those hopes

I remember heavy boots
How they pulled me down hard
Like thick soled Doc Martins on cold concrete
The cement I have spackled with is weighin' me now

I can't remember the letters I wrote
With song lyrics decorating the envelopes
A letter full of words that run together in font
My commitments to you on every other line

I just can't remember