I don't know how to write you and maybe that's the point of it
I think about taxi cabs and single beds and pity my poor stomach
It can't take the shame of fogged memory
Dewed with whiskey and gingerale
Not regret, but it's kin, no fooling.
I don't do regrets
And I've never said a thing that I don't mean
So I meant it when I said it, but the when's important
Because I'm not flippant, or unsteady
But I don't know how I'm feeling.

Just know that I am.
I am feeling.
And I feel that that's significant.

Because I don't want to be a ball of quicksilver
Bright, mercury
Rolling from you in quick, sharp drips
Of poisonous charm.
Don't swallow it.
But do listen.
Just not too much.
Forget I said anything.
I'll stay quiet
Until I know what I'm saying.

Just know that I am feeling
Even if I don't know what I'm feeling.
I am feeling.

Faint and shaking,
yawns turned to retching.
Ready to lie,
but nobody asks.

My stomach is screaming,
but my mouth barely breathes.
I say that I'm trying,
we all know I'm not.

I'd rather be sick.
****** up.
Dying.

I'd rather wilt,
and that's the saddest part.

Today I found out that I am alone.
No one to turn to,
and no where to call home.

I’d call you
But what for?
We haven’t talked for this long
I’m sure a bruise wouldn’t conjure a couple of days more
But to settle the score
If any at all were taken
It’s been different without you
A different state and
My heart has been telling my body to find you
But my mind has been saying “I’m better without you”
It’s been a constant battle trying to keep you abay
But knowing I’ve been comforted by the fact
You haven’t fought for me to stay
All the more reasons
To keep trekking ahead
All the more reasons
To forget the words you once said
Spoken nothings hoisted through my memories
Nothing lost, nothing gained
But why do I still not feel free?
You’re not here, but you trap me in your ways
You didn’t acknowledge my existence
Even when I was in front of your face
But that’s all good
It’s fine, it’s okay
It was all in my head
All made up anyway