I am chasing fools gold
around a fools world
with foolish feet
guided by my foolish heart
fueled by the foolish breaths
that I breathe

some time ago
a few months
my brother brought over a gun
and I just sit and stare at it
like I am in love
I am not concerned about thieves
but I am concerned about being here
when I have no desire to be

I am in hell
left to imagine I am still alive
this is my punishment
I wasted my time
and now I use dark things
to find the light
there will always be a burden
that I will carry
for the rest of this infinite life
this is hell
and I have been here
since 1985

I open my eyes
to the smell of burnt coffee
and the staleness
of a heart
that I gave as an offering
there are bottles lining the floor
like skyscrapers line city streets
as a woman tugs the sheets
off of me
then continues to sleep
I stare at the wall
thinking
that I am sinking
into it all
the sober regret
the drunken ***
the constant fall
eventually
my periods of loneliness
ends from a phone call
and a knock on the door
women are the vampires
I always invite in for more
addicted to the dried up feeling
I get from being shaken at my core
drained of all hope
like a whale gasping for air
after being washed ashore
tossed out by what keeps me alive
but I manage to wiggle and slide
back into the water just before
the fall of night

I felt it again today
the wind of you breathing
from the other side of town
the breeze elegantly lifted my hair
and gravity softly pulled it down

I stood with my arms forming a circle
with a candle between my hands
staring up at the moon
using it as a microphone
to speak to you

the stars lit up in patterns
that synced with your voice
a sight to be seen
a feeling to be enjoyed

I want nothing more
than to run my face
across the beautiful skin
on your ribcage
I want to hear your heart beat
because I know it beats along with my breathing
and when the night ends
we'll re-charge each others energy while we're sleeping

I have your face
I keep it in my mind
in a compartment
that any injury would not find
you will be with me until I die

I have your heart
and maybe
that is why it is always broken
and falling apart

I have your taste
and imagine that you would hate
all the things that I hate
and I know
we love the same things
brunettes and art
and the way mister plant sings
the calmness the dead bring
and one day you will dance with me
just like you do in my dreams

me, you, and a chocolate blunt with honey
at the end of your cul-de-sac
me, you, sitting intertwined in my back seat
watching the cars on the other street pass

you lay back in my arms
and look up at me
only then do I see what you see
the one I love staring back at me

the herb has us connected with everything
this car, we have to leave
with my arm around you
we walked the sidewalks
then lied down in the middle of a street
watching the moon in awe, too amazed to speak
for hours it seemed
I helped you to your feet
then chased you until you found the trees
and there in the shadows we fell to the ground
you put your hands all of over me
the blades of grass seemed unusually welcoming

we were exposed lovers under the stars
that no one else could see
being young and naive
is the true meaning of being free

I held her head until my hand touched the pillow
then as I pulled my arm back
she used her fingers to entangle mine
and looks up to me and says
with her other hand in my hair
she says "I feel free with you Brian
                  like I am being who I truly am"
the yellow glow of the moon
circles like little canaries around the room
I can hear her heart
boom
boom
boom
emitting our own light
it is impossible to wear clothes
because of the heat that radiates
when we are this close
I open a window
and I follow her out into the unknown
during the scary hours
courageous and bold
alone and at home
laying together
giggling by the light tickling
of feeling the grass grow
I used my finger to draw
her face in the sand
she smeared it with her hand
and with a smile on her face
she says "please, draw it again"

I see skin
on skin
in my dreams
and I am never sure
that things are
ever what they seem
I need a bright light
to blind me
or for love
to quit hiding
and find me
I hide behind trees
from no one
I just pretend someone else is there
chasing me for fun
I just run and run
wishing someone
would catch up

relaxed with a touch of glee
sitting indian style
in my passenger seat
you were tossing smiles at me

there is a mountain
I feel I am atop of
but I am too high
to see far enough down
to witness myself
on the highest of ground

I pretend
my car is a spaceship
and you go along with it
you are words
I have already written
passionate yet delicate
like kisses on the head of a kitten

when you breathe in your sleep
it sounds like whispers from a caterpillar
and the words are meaningful and sweet
I can not help but to believe
that you are an illusion to me

I feel as if I am myself
staring into the eyes of myself
and you are yourself
staring into the eyes of yourself
we are symmetry at its best

there is a cloud over my head tonight
and I keeping biting down on my lip
the blood is a red only seen
when halving a watermelon
that is perfectly ripe
I will eat till my stomach bleeds
seeing how far I can choke up the seeds
cheering as they take flight
I can only sleep in the dark
and I break my own heart
to dim the light

there is a dead plant
on my front porch
that I keep watering
out of habit
out of curiosity
out of desperation
I want to watch something grow
in front of me
something to hold in my hands
something
anything that I have made on my own
when all hope is lost
I want to be the one to bring life
back into a comfortable home
even if that means
that I live alone
and end up just a lonely box of bones

a voice says
"nothing survives the night"
I am alone in this room
watching the light from beneath the shades
become dimmer and dimmer
darkness will come soon
and they will be howling at the moon
I will do some howling too
as the wind sings the dead a somber tune
energy leaves me like colors stretching through the sky
dodging the grains of sand in the infinite blue
and once the blue turns to black
it should find you
feeding your soul
until it explodes and sends the energy back
we create a perpetual cycle of light
because the voice was right
nothing survives the night

there is a comfort that comes
with having more than enough indica
more than enough alcohol
to drink away these thoughts
as I stumble through the hallway
knocking pictures of myself off of the wall
not trying to catch them as they fall
stepping on the glass then walking off

happiness seems infinite
then the night turns
I begin burning paper
in my back yard
I have nothing better to do
and no one better to be with
higher than anything I can see
I am looking down at myself
I can see everything so clear
but I am always blurred out
censored
I am a puzzle I can not crack
loving people
and hating their memories
I keep to myself
but my mind crowds me
with everyone I have lost
pecking at me like a night bird
asking questions about thoughts
I try to drown it out with music
but the alcohol that I am abusing
reminds me that I have no clue
as to what it is I am doing
I do know that
I am beginning to loathe this world
you can not just be a recluse anymore
I am even scared of seeing ghosts
at the convenient store
once I close my front door
I feel that nothing and no one can come close
and those ghosts are no more
they are still knocking at my window
I put my headphones on
then stay out of view by sleeping on the floor

I can barely open my front door
inches of snow occupy my front porch
the white is so bright
I have to wear sunglasses to see outside
even though it's the middle of the night
and the sun is not in the sky
this is a rare moment in time
when you can be blinded by the moon light
everything seems surreal and sharp
the dry snow flakes strikes my face like glass shards
as it penetrates my skin, I notice my heart
leaned up against the wall, happy but broken into parts
as loving as life can be, it can be just as harsh
and knowing this necessary balance gives me power
The dinosaurs disappeared around the time of the first flower
therefore, when beauty ends, beauty begins
the end doesn't exist, the universe continues to change  
and is always expanding outward

I walk out into traffic, laughing
with my arms out
I spin as the cars are passing

they say there's no atheist in a foxhole
but I've been in one my whole life
realizing it, took some time
I couldn't imagine making it to where I am now
if I were to have been blind

I can't wait to be buried
with a tree planted over me
I'm taking a mulligan
and next time I hope I plant better seeds

when I was a kid
the graveyard across town
the one my father rests in
was significantly smaller
decades later it is quite big
and growing
because time is not slowing
and neither are we
where ever we are going
does not matter
because in the end
we become a spec scattered
across the land
and what if instead of burial plots
we were buried with seeds
that grew into beautiful things
we could save the bees
or the oxygen we breathe
what if as we die we repopulate rain forests
instead of taking up land people need?

take all hope with you
for I am the door
and you are the lock
we will wash up near the rocks
but now
we are where the horizon ends
and the sky begins
we remind ourselves
that we get sea sick

mighty giants moving slow
we are but two souls
constructed careless and bold
like a students mural on a middle school
I let go without saying
goodbye to you

in the shade
on a bench
in a park
that I came to as a child
if you are with me here
then you mean something
not just to me
but to everyone I seen
you with
If I bring you here
then you possess something special
something I believe should be cherished
there has only been one before you
and I am twenty nine years old
that is a long time to figure out what I want
and if you sit on this bench
you have entered a sacred part of my heart
I know at this point in life
I am Fragile
but if you see this view
know that I can be strong and I love you
and to me, that is all that matters

I send knives to the sound of your voice
and they ricochet every time
bouncing back at me
but now they bounce off of my skin
with a parachute landing
hitting the floor
like a liquid
bleeding into the grain
and spreading
drying up
and disappearing

focused fumes
filling a dark room
I lit the fire to the blanket
covering you
and I watch the flames
as they are extinguished
by the rain
pouring from the cloud
hovering over you
I could not be alone tonight
and now I will never be alone
again in my life
holding in my hand
a broken robins egg
that I broke myself
in an attempt to save it
the road to sadness is littered
with the best of intentions
and the sky is painted with
the faces of the people we miss
and you are these things
you are what sadness brings

it has been months
since I have painted
I take a brush
and move it across the canvas
a face begins to appear
that face I smear
then start over again
illustrating mountains
with snow covered peaks
in front of a lake that shines
surrounded by trees that breathe
and only seen because of me

I lead people to the paths
that will take them
the furthest away from me
should I be hurt?
or flattered
to be the inspiration
behind their awakening?

I want everyone around me
to be happy
and sometimes
I suffer from that reality
but that is ok
every time I bleed
I still enjoy seeing
you all smiling

I need a stiff drink
I need a long walk
I need a lasting love
I need to just breathe...

I dig through my closet
searching for shotgun shells
I need to shoot a gun
and I hate guns
but if I do not release some tension
my skin will pop at the seams

standing in my yard
I aim for the sky
and pull the trigger with haste
closing my eyes
opening them to realize
that I am still alive
and nothing else has died
a weight is lifted
I have never felt this light
before in my life

I am in some sort of transition, as my body gets older
I start to feel the pains from the life I have led
and it is difficult to stay sober
but my mind is expanding
like a cup spilling over
and my heart is an unidentified flying object
that just seems to hover
like a raining cloud that follows me around
and as I approach a puddle
the invisible hand of karma pushes me down
but life is bigger than me
I am a part of the randomness
that just happens to be

I fold my hands into puppets
and make shadows of myself on the wall
one hand is a building
the other is me climbing to the top
and jumping off

my cats began to swat at the shadows
completely focused and amused
I use my hands to make them dance in tune
with the music I am listening to
the smoke in the room added a certain ambiance
along with the perfect amount of moon light shining through
I almost forget I am sitting next to you
until you rest your head on my shoulder
then raise your hand, making yourself a flower in bloom
growing from the base of the building
I jump off and land into you

my cats bump into each other and we do the same
lying on the carpet, staring at the ceiling
watching the candle flame react from the wind sneaking in
syncing our heartbeats together with its rhythm
feeling higher than anything living

I could be your pile of leaves
whenever I'm around you could jump right onto me
and if ever I'm too far out, you can just use your hands
and I'll come swimming back

you're so beautiful, and lips as sweet as honey dew
I can't help but to keep my eyes open when I kiss you

you look at my loneliness the same way you would an enemy
I feel like you make it a little easier to breathe
and If I'm being too forward
you can just use your hands, and push away from me

I knew a girl who had footprints
on the rug in front of her mirror
and when she stood there
she would break things
there was glass
everywhere
all of the time
I watched her climb to the roof
with her wings out
screaming at the world
who pushed her around
and made this place hell
she went to fly
but fell
as I lay beside her
I question myself
while trying not to get sick
from the smell

love
is standing in the cold when you are sick
if only to put a smile on the face
of the person you are with
who wants to ride the ferris wheel
if only to sit next to you
and cradle you
in moment of weakness
as your stomach turns from the height
you just want to leave
then you realize
you are looking at your reflection
in her eyes
love
is having an epiphany
that even though you are feeling weak
there is no where else you would rather be

I can hear my heartbeat
it is thumping
like a cat at the door
wanting attention
or maybe just wants
in from the rain
I do not know anymore...

there is an umbrella
at my front door
and one at my back door
one in the trunk of my car
and one in my closet
I had one extra
but I lost it

I enjoy the rain
especially at sundown
when the sky is champagne
I love the feeling of wet grass on my feet
and when the rain is over
all of my friends begin to sing

then there were times
when I would give anything
to see the sun shine
when my eyelids become pruned
from crying
and the constant cloud
over my head
pouring down
I would have sold my soul
to have had an umbrella
just lying around

my thought process
seems to confuse
everyone else
and it is beginning to confuse
myself
but I am not scared
I am prepared
the storms come
but they always scatter

kissing at my neck
she burns holes
through my chest
with her fingertips
I should stop her
but...
I love the feeling
of endorphins being released
it is my worst addiction yet
she cracks a rib or three
and begins
to insert her hand into me
sliding the tip of her index finger
around the bulb of my heart
until it rested in her palm
I seen the devil in her eyes
it revealed itself to me
she had a dead face
she had turned off
all of the love
she had for me
then plucked out
the source of my energy
I watched as she became
smaller
and smaller
as I fade into the light
and enter the tunnel
I begin to see that this all
begins over again
creating a different approach
to a world you already know

I entered in as a child
back in '85
spent all of the time
to learn I have
been here a few times

I creep the city streets
in the shadows
watching the spot
where she sleeps
I have memorized her routine
when she arrives
when she leaves

I catch her at the lake
where we were first alone
face to face
it is ironic
that we thought we heard
a dead body splash the water
that night
we laughed
but now
it is not so funny
it just has to be done
chasing her down
I tackle her from behind
turning her over to see my eyes
as I rip open her shirt...
I take my knife
to slice open her skin
and push my hand in
grabbing what keeps her breathing
and not doing anything
but sewing her back up
and letting her keep on living
knowing that I had the
chance for revenge
but my love for her
kept me from going
through with it
chasing her is my sentence
and her watching me walk away
is her punishment

this is hell
and this is what goes on

on a couch
a thousand degrees
or so it seemed
terrified someone would walk in
on you and me
as your eyes were half open and baby blue
the sound of your voice filled the room
I felt as if my body had been constructed just for you
the faint whisper of your voice crawled across my skin
I could feel the spark of your heart in my finger tips
and I have been chasing that sensation ever since
as years pass, people change
and you have not even began to fade
I remember the look on your face
when you would say "I know you have to leave, but.... please stay"
it has haunted me for a decade  
and has become the wrinkles I can not erase

I am a tree and you are a bird that built a home on me
the seasons may change, you may leave
and even though the nest is empty
it still remains as a memory
to always keep me company
when I am lonely

blades of grass cut at my heels
I love the way it feels
a mosquito ****** at my skin
I pinch my skin around its mouth
and watch as it explodes from within
I hold in my hand
the heart of a former man
a man I used to be
a man that will remain a casualty
I breathe underwater because I am afraid of drowning
I put myself around people because I do not like them around me
voices surround me, my fears have found me
and I hope they are prepared this time
I am old enough to create a shield with my mind
now I can do anything at anytime
I am scared of snakes, thrown one on me
I am scared of snakes
THROW ONE ON ME!!!

I don't know how I feel anymore
some days aren't that scary
then there are days
where I question whether
my presence on this planet is necessary
I am a grown man but sometimes
I set aside some personal time
to be alone, just me, myself, and I
to cry
I will admit, Life gets to me
and instead of hating everything
I love everything
but that comes with a price
it keeps me up at night
thinking of the hungry
and the innocent that forever die
I think of them all of the time
so I cry...
while listening to happy songs
my tears only travel with smiles
I deal with my troubles in piles
though it may take awhile
I manage to clean up the mess every night
and then the next day I see everything
in a slightly different light
I appreciate everything that comes with this life

I am at the age in life
when you have to be patient
the road I chose was the price
I had to pay to see the destination
most people grow bitter
but I embrace it
I now know who I am
and I have become stingy with appearances
love is my currency and home is my residence
my presence is not free, my friends make that evident
they have paid for my presence
I see myself in all of my friends
and in myself I see all of them

I have not seen a ghost
since new years
and it is July
the absence is
beginning to
bore me
I almost miss
the feeling of regret
when you see a ghost
somewhere around town
the grocery store
the park
maybe the gas station
or maybe in your house
sitting on your bed
you believe it is real
and you have had some bad dream
but when you lean in close
to hold what you think you have
it is gone
vanishes into the air
like a mist that did not exist
that feeling
the feeling of rejection
I love it
deep down
I have never really wanted
to belong
never really wanting to
be accepted
I just want to accept myself
for who I am
that is why I love ghosts
ghosts remind you
the past was real
but is no longer here

it is Friday night
and late
the 13th of June
with a full moon
on such an event
I remember when I use to
spend times like this with you
with her
with them, ****
I guess I always seem to do the same thing
and get the same results then complain
about all of it
I am lone and I drink
but not because I am alone
because I am bored then think
I'm in a pool of water beneath a cascade
and the emotions of people around me
are drops of water
falling into me

an insect
dropped on my hand
I am not sure what it is
the size of a grain of rice
with wings
I have seen these things
all of my life
I let it live
it is a friend of mine
neither it or I
mean any harm
it heads up arm
only to reach my elbow
then jump off
then fly away

I am content sitting here
on my back porch
alone
staring at the stars
that blanket over my home
I do not need
to be seen
to be known
I am around
all types of friends
things that fly
and things that build
webs between tree limbs
or things that crawl
around my feet
their colors are beautiful
and I cherish the comfort
they seem to have around me
there is no love
that could compete
with the love
that mother nature brings

I used to think romantic love
were the only love to be real
then as I become older
I believe romantic love
does not exist
those pretty girls
are like the insects
an equal part of
the same world
that I live in

the same feeling
you get from a kiss
is the same feeling
you get when you bond
with a friend
or when you see a dandelion
take flight into the wind
scattering
only to land
and you know
it will begin again

you can buy my love
I am selling it for a song
make it one I know
I want to sing along
is it strange
that my brain
wants to make love
to another brain
or my soul with another soul
on the astral plane
I feel as if I am the only one
who thinks this way
I have searched for a partner
but only found memories
I have searched for a high
that led myself to the floor beneath me
I am constantly reaching
for something, anything
and now I am believing
that I just want someone to want me
for the man I have grown to be

I have a future
that I look forward to
and I have a past
that I had to grow through

I smile when I think about who I am
and how I treat people
I realize my smile is not a sham
if my senses tingle in public
it is because I am where I want to be
and I love it
I know when my heart is hurt
I can feel it in my stomach
because I know myself
life gives you two options
love it
or end it
I choose to
wake up tomorrow morning
and live it

her eyes
my eyes
my hand on her thigh
her hand on mine
we were young
and time
was not on our side
our love was complicated
but wild
our feelings for each other
were anchored deep inside
I find
myself being that version of Brian
from time
to
time
I thought that part of me
had died
but the only time
that I lie
is when I lie to myself
and I do so
time
after
time

there is something
sinister
about love

I will steal you
if I feel that I should have you
I will **** you
if I think that I can not have you
if I hurt, you bleed
if you leave, I die

in the end, everyone dies
love either smothers you
abandons you
or never shows up at all
you can either adapt
or start drinking
and really let it break you
let the weight bruise your muscles
and crush your bones
once you let love in
it never leaves you alone

when love is mean
it gets thirsty
when love is good
it becomes work
either way you are burnt out
and need a drink

I drown myself in disappointment all of the time
and now that I'm drinking
I hope that irony makes a fool of me tonight
and tomorrow I will watch my loved ones cry
and see exactly who my friends are for the first time
as I rise into the sky, I too will cry
for never saying the things I should have
to the souls that I am leaving behind
and as I spreads my wings to fly
the feathers will wipe the tears from every ones eyes
while they slowly begin to realize
that even though I am gone
I will always be alive

I am older than I have ever been
and feel younger than I have ever felt
I find myself looking at life
the same way I imagine a children would
everything is beginning to seem new again
I seek a higher quality of knowledge than I was given
all the while realizing it is all a matter of perspective
and it was always up to me to decide my direction
the physical world I live in does not feel like home
just because I was born a human being
does not mean that I belong

I let the flame of my lighter
dance around until the metal turned red
then I pushed it into my hand
and watched as the skin bubbled
I couldn't feel it
but I knew it felt wonderful
moving like a machine
I'm wearing holes in my carpet
sitting still, the thought alone is haunting
I have to feel alive
every moment that I'm alive
and I have to realize
that I could die
at anytime
all the time

If my heart ever skips a beat
it is because you moved to far from me
If I ever lose my breath
it is because I gave you the ones that I had left
when we dance and you step on my feet
it is because you can't help but move too close to me
When I go to sleep
you are the blanket being thrown on me
and when I awake not feeling well
you are the medicine I will take.

I am in the corner of the room
nervous and lonely
where are you?
I search and I pray
If you came around me
would you stay?
The night is black
and the morning is blue
the sun is the light I use
to search for you.
My heart is the pond
that your river runs through
If I am here
where are you?
Oh there you are
sitting on the limb of the tree
that my heart grew

I am not who you think I am
I am just downloading satellites
Who I am, comes from somewhere else
I am a mere result of purpose and time
but I do understand why we look at lights in the sky and want to bask in the warmth of their shine.

Always remember if you hold a light bulb
Your hand obstructs what they are capable of

We could be children in a field dancing through the flowers
But we spend that time worrying about when the field gets plowed
Assuming that things won't stay the way they are
Our hearts are made of strings and we tear them apart
When we should be plucking those strings like a harp
We should be enjoying the music
rather than scared of its undoing

there is a couple of me
and a couple of everyone else
wandering through the streets
unknowingly searching for their other selves

the wrong one of me
found the right one of you
and I should apologize
for wasting your time

I made rain in a room
while the night brightened the moon
enhancing my reality with clouds
hoping my thoughts would take me to you

I believed that I deserved that gloom
it was alcohol and the blues
that fed the meaningless fuse
leading me to find the right one of me
that might still be searching for the right one of you

she kept a three leaf clover on the dash of her car
when I asked her for the reason
she just smiled and said
"they are everywhere and I like that
because four leaf clovers are scary.
what happens if you find one, then lose it.
that terrifies me"
I did not realize then
that she was telling me something
I should have just walked away
but it seems
that I might be just as crazy
and in a shady spot on King street
she was who I wanted her to be
while she thought I was who she wanted me to be
it can be quite funny
what the late night can bring
stray cats roaming the streets
searching for warmth and a bite to eat
and a beautiful girl sleeping next to me

I search the night for a spiritual experience
every night
I use my days to justify that experience
and every night
I try to forget that I do this
pissy in a room with four walls
that I cannot believe that I am still in
a cobble stone path I walk
the stones are land and everything else is lava
I hope I do not fall in

It is hard to be who you will be
when you spend all of your years
only analyzing who you have been

maybe happiness is not something to obtain
but a mere reflection of ones personality
it probably hurts to be you
just like it hurts to be me
but there is no reason not to be
constantly smiling
knowing we are all on a rock
constantly spinning
It's foolish to believe this is the ending
Maybe we are just walking towards our beginning

When god calls me home
I hope it is a long enough walk-
to think of what I would say to him
I hope I can remember every sin
to properly ask for forgiveness
And I know...
God already knows everything
But I feel obligated to be honest
what if I get to that door and it doesn't open?

I never had to ask permission -
to walk in my grandparents house
they would be offended if I asked
that's how I always imagined -
what heaven is

But what if I were a stranger-
knocking another strangers door
would they let me in?