I can hear my heartbeat
it is thumping
like a cat at the door
wanting attention
or maybe just wants
in from the rain
I do not know anymore...

there is an umbrella
at my front door
and one at my back door
one in the trunk of my car
and one in my closet
I had one extra
but I lost it

I enjoy the rain
especially at sundown
when the sky is champagne
I love the feeling of wet grass on my feet
and when the rain is over
all of my friends begin to sing

then there were times
when I would give anything
to see the sun shine
when my eyelids become pruned
from crying
and the constant cloud
over my head
pouring down
I would have sold my soul
to have had an umbrella
just lying around

my thought process
seems to confuse
everyone else
and it is beginning to confuse
myself
but I am not scared
I am prepared
the storms come
but they always scatter

barefoot
in the grass
as the bees
do not even
bother me
dodging my legs
passing by
like a friend
passing by
a friend
I walk under
some trees
that I am not
familiar with the species
but they are pretty
I pass by my neighbors yard
and greet him
with a hand wave
then step down the bank
into an abandoned field
wild flowers
as far as the eye can see
well, at least to the tree line
where the sun sat above
showing me what it does
there are insects
little working machines
majestic beings
oblivious to my existence
maybe that is why
this is so comforting
I can observe
without being disturbed
I reflect on where I am
watching the golden glow
on the field
begin to fade
into the night
I have the potential to fly
or climb
like the bugs
but my mind
keeps me grounded
every time
coming to terms
with the fact
that I am a part of mother earth
and my purpose
may have not
yet
been
learned

I have not seen a ghost
since new years
and it is July
the absence is
beginning to
bore me
I almost miss
the feeling of regret
when you see a ghost
somewhere around town
the grocery store
the park
maybe the gas station
or maybe in your house
sitting on your bed
you believe it is real
and you have had some bad dream
but when you lean in close
to hold what you think you have
it is gone
vanishes into the air
like a mist that did not exist
that feeling
the feeling of rejection
I love it
deep down
I have never really wanted
to belong
never really wanting to
be accepted
I just want to accept myself
for who I am
that is why I love ghosts
ghosts remind you
the past was real
but is no longer here

an insect
dropped on my hand
I am not sure what it is
the size of a grain of rice
with wings
I have seen these things
all of my life
I let it live
it is a friend of mine
neither it or I
mean any harm
it heads up arm
only to reach my elbow
then jump off
then fly away

I am content sitting here
on my back porch
alone
staring at the stars
that blanket over my home
I do not need
to be seen
to be known
I am around
all types of friends
things that fly
and things that build
webs between tree limbs
or things that crawl
around my feet
their colors are beautiful
and I cherish the comfort
they seem to have around me
there is no love
that could compete
with the love
that mother nature brings

I used to think romantic love
were the only love to be real
then as I become older
I believe romantic love
does not exist
those pretty girls
are like the insects
an equal part of
the same world
that I live in

the same feeling
you get from a kiss
is the same feeling
you get when you bond
with a friend
or when you see a dandelion
take flight into the wind
scattering
only to land
and you know
it will begin again

I open my eyes
to the smell of burnt coffee
and the staleness
of a heart
that I gave as an offering
there are bottles lining the floor
like skyscrapers line city streets
as a woman tugs the sheets
off of me
then continues to sleep
I stare at the wall
thinking
that I am sinking
into it all
the sober regret
the drunken ***
the constant fall
eventually
my periods of loneliness
ends from a phone call
and a knock on the door
women are the vampires
I always invite in for more
addicted to the dried up feeling
I get from being shaken at my core
drained of all hope
like a whale gasping for air
after being washed ashore
tossed out by what keeps me alive
but I manage to wiggle and slide
back into the water just before
the fall of night

you are going to die one day
and that breaks my terrible heart of apparent stone
it should be big enough to swallow you
but instead I might be responsible for you dying alone
you are not the welcoming type
and I was sleeping in your bed
waking up next to you
with your fingers in my hair
as your palm rested against my head
this is the same way
that I held you
the first time
that I...
well..
held you
the first time you realized
that my arms wrap
all the way around you
I once thought that
generations ahead of us
would find our bodies
wrapped around each other
and we become the image
to symbolize
true love

I might be responsible
for you
dying alone
but I will be
dying alone
too

I have a future
that I look forward to
and I have a past
that I had to grow through

I smile when I think about who I am
and how I treat people
I realize my smile is not a sham
if my senses tingle in public
it is because I am where I want to be
and I love it
I know when my heart is hurt
I can feel it in my stomach
because I know myself
life gives you two options
love it
or end it
I choose to
wake up tomorrow morning
and live it