we're in my room
sitting indian style on the floor
I ask her to roll another one
then lean back against my bed
I feel heavy as if the earth is pulling at me
or the sky has its mighty hand pushing on my head
right now in my life
I'm at a weird place, emotionally
and I'm not even sure she's here for me
but it's nice to have some company when you drink
someone to hear you talk about the things you think
I feel the spark of the lighter
the heat of the flame flew into my body
like a bird to a glass door
the smoke danced like waving arms
in patterns I've never seen before
I watched our shadows on the wall
two blobs of darkness with the background flashing
from the wind knocking into the flames on the candles
it felt like taking a picture and we looked like mountains
we sat for hours as we wasted the night away
our minds faded off into the blend of smoke and music
and our words mesh into the thick, foggy haze
we found the door of the next day then walked through it

you are a beautiful girl
with a face as next door as you can find
a lovely presence and personality as bright as sunlight
you are young and free
a new soul on this planet
it's first trip into the vast expanse

you remind me of girl I once knew
who became a butterfly
with wings as intricate as her heart
and the endurance of a migratory bird
off she went into the wind
leaving nothing behind
and if you were to ever fly in
then fly back out, well...
I would never take to the sky again

I hide from you
I know if I show you who I am
you would be hooked too
and the last bit of energy my heart has left
would be wasted on something that could lead to my death
but it could be love, and I don't believe in anything else

I died back in '85
but I was told my whole life
I was alive

the mattress I sleep on
is stained with my tears
multiplied with the years
of emotional trauma and fear
fear of dying alone

I pour my heart into different bowls
add some water and mix it with a brush
then sling it onto the blank walls
of the asylum
I built inside of myself
where I go to forget
that I have died before
and this is hell

the colors bent with the corners of the room
a different part of myself is in bloom
I'm redecorating my mind
as an abstract collage of everything I've learned so far
in my short amount of time

I entered back in '85
and it took twenty eight years to realize
that I have been dead this entire time

I'm sitting out in the grass
letting the blades tickle my ankles
I've let the pressures build up
the man made strain of this life
breathing down my neck
thank goodness I've been here before
staring at the same setting sun
drinking the same beers
and realizing that none of this matters
not even the love we share
and the comforts we have found
but especially the heartaches and empty stomachs
even people you knew but are no longer around
I've learned to smile in the mirror
it's better to **** with kindness
rather than fight with blindness
at anytime we can rewind our minds
and bring ourselves back to who we were
when we were happy

I walk out into traffic, laughing
with my arms out
I spin as the cars are passing

they say there's no atheist in a foxhole
but I've been in one my whole life
realizing it, took some time
I couldn't imagine making it to where I am now
if I were to have been blind

I can't wait to be buried
with a tree planted over me
I'm taking a mulligan
and next time I hope I plant better seeds

it's the third of may
feeling crowded and out of place
I could really use a change

for the first time in my life I realize
though I love my hometown
if I stay, I may soon die

the seeds I've planted have turned on me, gone rogue
instead flowers they're vines like ropes
they've multiplied and are about to take hold
there's no other choice, I've got to go

I hope that behind the horizon line
I may find all that I'm looking for, a new life
I fear leaving but I've got to try
because if I stay, I may soon die

I'm swimming in my thought like a new born child
thrown into the summer pool for the first time
my palms are the road maps I use
to navigate this sea I float through
the things I love are intangible and clear
they stay around to help dismantle my fears
I'm more confident than I am sincere

I see colors in the late night sky
recalling all of the unfortunate times
that I indirectly tried to die
and I easily form a smile
a long way seems short after the fact
and I've boarded up the door to the pathways that hold me back

I'm sitting out in the grass while the dew dampens my pants
I feel the vibration of the wind bouncing off of the plants
marveling in the sight of marching ants
I'm seeing things I've only thought of
I look around as the bees buzz
and I know now exactly where I come from