I haven't always been a good person
or atleast in my own opinion
It was unintentional
but when you're a young man
you may do things you regret in retrospect

I met a sweet innocent girl when I was 26
She had bright blue eyes and a southern draw like me
And my biggest regret
is that I think..
I made myself believe she was more than she was
and honestly, at that point in my life
she could have been any other girl that smiled at me
that let me come home with her
that let me kiss her
that told me she liked me
that's what I regret
only being with someone because she liked me and not being reciprocated on my end

I despise that version of me
I lied to her not knowing I was doing so
Me and my brain have been fighting my whole life
and this is when I noticed it
I broke that girls heart because I was too naive to my brain
I didn't know that it could turn on me
causing heart break to someone else
But as long as I'm satisfied then nothing is wrong
But it's all wrong
I believe now, that any harm done is a waste of time
and we don't have a lot of time
I promised myself
I will no longer waste it

"Dear God,
I seen the fear in her eyes
our sweet baby girl is scared
please allow her to be spared
from whatever spirit is there

she is a beautiful bright lamp
that mustn't be put in a basket or under the bed (luke 8:16)
her heart is over worked and over stressed
the worry and fear circles in her head

That girl is a lily amongst thorns
she is my darling amongst the other women (song of Solomon 2:2)
she must be protected
allow her to accept this hardship
as a pathway to her peace
Amen"

I looked at her as if she didn't matter to me
and let her sit outside of my place in the snow
it was 26 degrees
only because she felt safe being near me

How do I reconcile someone doing me wrong?
when that person is the only one I want

I sat in the warmth of my apartment knowing she was freezing cold
what kind of person am I if the one I love is suffering, shivering, and alone?

Is my pride that important?
Is my ego that fragile?

She might have strayed
lest I forget that she came back?

I thought I should ignore her
but the more I tried the more I couldn't
after two hours, I thought she had left
but she refused to
so I let her in and took care of her
Like I was always supposed to

I am not who you think I am
I am just downloading satellites
Who I am, comes from somewhere else
I am a mere result of purpose and time
but I do understand why we look at lights in the sky and want to bask in the warmth of their shine.

Always remember if you hold a light bulb
Your hand obstructs what they are capable of

We could be children in a field dancing through the flowers
But we spend that time worrying about when the field gets plowed
Assuming that things won't stay the way they are
Our hearts are made of strings and we tear them apart
When we should be plucking those strings like a harp
We should be enjoying the music
rather than scared of its undoing

If my heart ever skips a beat
it is because you moved to far from me
If I ever lose my breath
it is because I gave you the ones that I had left
when we dance and you step on my feet
it is because you can't help but move too close to me
When I go to sleep
you are the blanket being thrown on me
and when I awake not feeling well
you are the medicine I will take.

I am in the corner of the room
nervous and lonely
where are you?
I search and I pray
If you came around me
would you stay?
The night is black
and the morning is blue
the sun is the light I use
to search for you.
My heart is the pond
that your river runs through
If I am here
where are you?
Oh there you are
sitting on the limb of the tree
that my heart grew

I search the night for a spiritual experience
every night
I use my days to justify that experience
and every night
I try to forget that I do this
pissy in a room with four walls
that I cannot believe that I am still in
a cobble stone path I walk
the stones are land and everything else is lava
I hope I do not fall in

It is hard to be who you will be
when you spend all of your years
only analyzing who you have been

maybe happiness is not something to obtain
but a mere reflection of ones personality
it probably hurts to be you
just like it hurts to be me
but there is no reason not to be
constantly smiling
knowing we are all on a rock
constantly spinning
It's foolish to believe this is the ending
Maybe we are just walking towards our beginning