Am I but a joke to you?
Am I so funny or rather, Foolish
that you cannot help but laugh at my 'theatrics'?

If I am, am I an inside joke
utterd by those who whisper under their breaths
while huddled in corners giggling?
Or am I the laughing stock of this little world?
The village idiot.
Am I dressed up as a clown behind your eyes
with a big red nose and a plastic smile?
The jester fool who's just a tool
you use to feel better about yourself?
Or am I that thing that makes you laugh when in solitude
or rather, loneliness at the thought of me?

If I am, then at least I can feel content
knowing who or what I am
Knowing I'm fulfilling my purpose
and that I'm doing my job to the best of my ability
for I am willing and able.
I ask of only one answer from you.
You who are quick to point and pass judgment.
You who are like a spinning compass lost without direction.
You who are walking in the abyss of darkness
holding a candle with no flame.
You are the same one who attempts to kindle a flame under water.

Do you know who you are?

I am Mad!
Mad at myself for believing in others
Mad at others for letting me down.
Sometimes I wish I would be vain, wrathful, selfish
I sometimes want to fullfil my inner desires.
Sometimes I want to drink that Hatred poison
Be consumed by greed
And every vice that comes with, I confess!
For it is not fair
Why must I suffer the lash of a whip
Of which I do not deserve?
Or do I deserve everything that comes my way, good or bad?

Why do I come to you holding my plate as you prepare a meal?
I am not on my knees.
Is it because you say you will feed me
And so I take comfort knowing I will eat
But really you do not consider me a portion of your food
So I am left hungry.

A hungry man is an angry man.

I have ill will towards you now.
I wish you drop dead on the table
Just so I can finish your meal.
Why do you torment me so?
As you sit there stuffing your face until you struggle to chew
You pretend as though I do not exist.
I ask for a small bit
You say there is not enough.
It's never enough for you
I hope you choke on your meal, you Glutton!

But I dont really mean it.
You are in the hands of the Lord, your fate is His decision.
I chastise myself for being so gullible
For having no dignity
And having swallowed only my pride
Letting it happen.
Why should I suffer in your hands
As you crush me with a squeeze as you please?
I feel satisfaction at the hands of my own self infliction thank you
So I whip myself until I bleed...
And bleed...and Bleed!...
But not a single drop let
And not a single tear shed.

I smile when I am done
For I have forgiven myself.
I thank you
This will never happen to me again.
I am Stronger and Wiser now.
Now I shall fend for myself in the Hands of the Lord.