it is killing me
to begin the process of understanding
how little i know myself
how little i love myself.
i know that i am deserving
of self-kindness
of self-love
of more respect and thought and nice words.
i don't look at myself and say "i hate you"
not anymore, not ever again
but i don't look at myself and say "i love you"
not with sincerity; not while knowing the
gardens upon gardens of insecurity
that i allowed to bloom inside of myself.

it is killing me to try and be better
when i can't find a reason to be.
if i believe that i will love myself when i'm better,
than how should i feel now
that i'm so much less than i wish?

i didn't mean to admit things last night
my mother told me alcohol is a poison
but it makes my problems so much easier.
i didn't mean to tell myself how i feel
and i really wish i hadn't.
you weren't there to hear the painful truth that i whispered-
maybe this is it
maybe this is all there is
and i have to go.

you don't know what's coming and **** me for not warning you.

you and i
no one else above us
i have found ways to consider our love
fine

yours and mine
i did rail a boat across the sea
to empty out my ponderous musings
the kind, i will not admit

implying too many of my thoughts
between words that don't carry much weight
(but) to hold it is a lot

creating too many of my ideas
into imaginary inventions illuminating
my impartial heart

you and i
ceasing to exist in my mind
problems following everything i touch
touching everything i see

maybe
i've been swallowing words for so long
that i have lost the ability to complete sentences-
i can no longer spit them out and expect something great.

maybe
i've pushed myself around so much
and criticized every thought,
that i can no longer be satisfied with a single breath of mine.

maybe
i'm not who i thought i was
but i don't have a person in mind to be
so i isolate and damage myself in hopes of finding something,
anything.

maybe
i can change.
people say a new year is everything
but is it enough to change me
if i don't know what to change?

what a beautiful moment to ruin
the first night i have seen all of the friends i love most
the first that i have been able to clear my cluttered head
the first that i have been able to breathe

who invited you?
(i invited you)
into my mind all those years ago
it wasn't your place to destroy, though
it wasn't fair for you to **** all the innocent hope i had

i hate you and you know that
you knew i would when you decided to sleep with her
and when you blamed your alcoholic tendencies on me

i hate who i was and you know that as well
but you are so selfish to think that i care about you
that i hold any thought of you
i didn't
until you ruined my night

smallest voice
furthest place
in my brain
beneath the transparent thoughts
find me here
find me

little things
come in waves
come in clear
chances are
i am here

cloud nine
take me away
build a place
to keep safe
keep me away

a rose in your garden
this is no place for bargaining
this time
don't try to quit it
if only for a minute
you don't have a reason to be mine

so i won't hold you back
and i won't to try to stop you
i don't want you thinking
that i'm yours for the taking

my head is heavy from trying to turn around and fix everything
my arms are heavy from trying to carry too many people
my feet are heavy from trying to stand my ground
and my heart is heavy from trying to help you