you and i
no one else above us
i have found ways to consider our love
fine

yours and mine
i did rail a boat across the sea
to empty out my ponderous musings
the kind, i will not admit

implying too many of my thoughts
between words that don't carry much weight
(but) to hold it is a lot

creating too many of my ideas
into imaginary inventions illuminating
my impartial heart

you and i
ceasing to exist in my mind
problems following everything i touch
touching everything i see

smallest voice
furthest place
in my brain
beneath the transparent thoughts
find me here
find me

little things
come in waves
come in clear
chances are
i am here

cloud nine
take me away
build a place
to keep safe
keep me away

a rose in your garden
this is no place for bargaining
this time
don't try to quit it
if only for a minute
you don't have a reason to be mine

so i won't hold you back
and i won't to try to stop you
i don't want you thinking
that i'm yours for the taking

i didn't mean to admit things last night
my mother told me alcohol is a poison
but it makes my problems so much easier.
i didn't mean to tell myself how i feel
and i really wish i hadn't.
you weren't there to hear the painful truth that i whispered-
maybe this is it
maybe this is all there is
and i have to go.

you don't know what's coming and **** me for not warning you.

it is killing me
to begin the process of understanding
how little i know myself
how little i love myself.
i know that i am deserving
of self-kindness
of self-love
of more respect and thought and nice words.
i don't look at myself and say "i hate you"
not anymore, not ever again
but i don't look at myself and say "i love you"
not with sincerity; not while knowing the
gardens upon gardens of insecurity
that i allowed to bloom inside of myself.

it is killing me to try and be better
when i can't find a reason to be.
if i believe that i will love myself when i'm better,
than how should i feel now
that i'm so much less than i wish?

maybe
i've been swallowing words for so long
that i have lost the ability to complete sentences-
i can no longer spit them out and expect something great.

maybe
i've pushed myself around so much
and criticized every thought,
that i can no longer be satisfied with a single breath of mine.

maybe
i'm not who i thought i was
but i don't have a person in mind to be
so i isolate and damage myself in hopes of finding something,
anything.

maybe
i can change.
people say a new year is everything
but is it enough to change me
if i don't know what to change?