I try to forget.
I try my best with
a smile.

The thing is
you didn't promise
me anything. You offered
a hand of friendship.

However it changed when
secrets were released. Friendship
evolved. It blossomed like a tulip.

Until that tulip decided to become
frozen. Frozen in my feelings I felt
for you. The tulip remains frozen until
you decide to chip it open
or someone else awakens it with a kiss.

It's hard when I want that kiss
to be yours. However you have
an appetite for a different flower. You
want your lips on a nearby rose.

The worse is I can't use anger to hide my
feelings because I can't be angry with you.
It's not my fault you don't want to unfreeze
my tulip. It's not your fault either.

It's just the way it is.

I've made mistakes. We all have.
That little demon on your shoulder who
whispers empty promises.

Did I succumb? I did.
Giving into his words.
Self-loathing. Self-hatred.
Little did I know, the demon was
imaginary. However it's easier to listen to
insults when they are from your own mouth.
Your own demon.

Friends helped me find the light.
The mirror I looked in each morning
was easier to look into. The bed I slept
it was easier to get out of.

However that little demon.
He still remains. I wonder when
the day will be when I can finally
bury him in the ground.

His name is unknown to me.
His features are as well.
He could be taller than me (I hope)
He could be funnier than me (I hope not).

His hand will wrap around a
ring of eternity. It’s a symbol of love.
Cliché but it’s still something I long for.
However if there isn’t a ring of eternity
involved with many smaller little rings
running about, then I’m not interested.
A family of rings must be involved

When I close my eyes, the dark paradise
of what I’m living has been blown away
like a thick purple heavy fog. He is standing there
however his figure becomes more clear
as I move on in life, searching for him.

When will it get better Leona?
You say "It'll all get better in time", however
I wait for that day.

I wait for the day that I'll be able
to smile without a ounce of anger
behind it.

Without an ounce of anger towards you. I am
realizing now I am learning to forget.
I do deserve to smile. I do deserve someone who
wants to dance with me. Or share a cup of coffee with me.

I deserve someone who will move around the country with me.
Who will raise my children with me. Not someone who uses excuses
instead of the honest truth. Not someone who acts the way you do.
Like an immature high schooler.

Sometimes I wonder how long I can get by being alone. Being my own rock to lean on.
I am sick of looking for him. He'll can come find me for a change.
I don't deserve to be with someone who makes me happy. No.
I deserve to BE someone who is happy.

I think it's time.
Time for me to smile.
Time for me to stop thinking and
start doing.

I think about my actions to much.
I play it safe. I think of all the possible outcomes
before major decisions. Will this be a good idea?
Will he like me back? What if I move here after college?

I need to stop everything. Stop, drop and relax.
Stop thinking of what others think of me.
I've had a rough life, but who hasn't?
I'm going to smile, cause I deserve to.