Sometimes I catch myself

but by then of course it's too late
sometimes the little angel that typically resides on my shoulder bursts into my room like my angry father
to catch me and that little devil slugging back **** rips laughing like we have not a care in the world

Sometimes I catch myself

and I don't know what to say
I'm as speechless as my eloquent mother when
I disappoint, over and over again
shooting myself in the foot for the thousandth time
slapping a fresh clip into this smoking gun so the cycle can start anew

Sometimes I catch myself

scribbling poems in class rather than listening
as if this trite basic verse is worth more to me than
mygradesmyfuturemylife

Sometimes I catch myself

and I shake my head in disbelief
I look in my mirror with disgust
my knuckles throb ignored
I glance up at that dangling sword
splash cold water on my neck and watch it run down
soaking my shirt
already wet with my nervous sweat

Sometimes I catch myself

and I'm already inside
not thinking about the emotional ramifications of my lust
escaping the day, driving off the world's problems
and forgetting more and more with each ******

Sometimes I catch myself

and I question that being in my mind
this thing I call a person
this skinny body
well what the ****
how the **** are you going to fix this one?
bare minimum last minute
excuses poured out like shots

but then I catch myself

and silently implore the gods I have rejected
for my third fourth fifth sixth second chance
hoping it's not too late

for me to catch myself