"I'm going to the washroom. If we lose each other let's meet at the bookstore, by the entrance. I'll be right back." I said.
But when I came out of the washroom, they were gone. And suddenly, reality hit.
I am alone surrounded by people
In a mall
Blaring christmas music
Where did they go
I lost them
What if I never see them again
What if someone among all of these people has a gun and we all die before we can hug each other goodbye
I'm alone I'm so alone I'm so alone
I'm ******* alone
I can't breathe.
It was like being underwater with my eyes open
Swimming in a sea full of unfamiliar faces
And blaring christmas music
And the sound of my pounding heart
And failing lungs
Screaming at me
YOU ARE ALONE YOU ARE ALIVE AND YOU ARE ALONE AND THAT IS THE TRUTH WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.

So I bought a coffee because I choose to believe caffeine calms me down
And then I stepped outside
And cried and cried and cried and cried
I cried for the fragility of life hit me harder than it ever has
How fleeting it is
How terribly tragic it is that all of us love each other so much
And yet we will all die alone.
I cried for how close I felt to death at that moment
I cried for my inability to pinpoint exactly what had made me so upset
I cried because I felt like a lost little 5-year old wondering why no one was holding her hand
I cried because I missed you so much especially at that moment
I cried because I realized how incredibly weak and ridiculous I was acting
I cried because I couldn't even make one lousy phone call to someone I love so they could calm me down
I cried because I felt paralyzed
I cried because the time it takes to say "I'll be right back" is enough time to lose someone
Forever

Once my lungs & heart finally came alive again, I went back inside that stupid mall
Full of stupid people shopping for their stupid christmas presents in sync with that stupid christmas music
And you were standing there, at our meeting spot with a smile on your face and
Relief and relief and relief and you said
"There you are! We thought we lost you!"
And so did I, I thought,
*So did I.

Mistah Kurtz—he dead.

      A penny for the Old Guy

      I

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

      II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

      III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

      IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We ***** together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

      V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
                                For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
                                Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
                                For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

I made you something for Christmas.
Nothing that could ever satiate your
expensive taste. More brass than gold.
A little worn, a little old just
like my apologies and all of those
"I miss you"s.

A shot to numb the pain
Four more to do the same
Drinking into this oblivion
Wanting nothing but to forget
Because I am haunted
The ghosts of the past follow
And I can not escape them

Feel the smoke inside me
Drifting in tomy lungs
Fire is at my fingertips
You wonder what I've done?
I had a cigarette
Whats 3 more
Just trying to have some fun

A slash to wake me up
A score more to keep me here
Anything to feel better
To live without a fear
But life is a battle
And I am destined to lose
As I sigh deeply and cry, tying this noose

Goodbye is now forever
The package at your door
Contains my final message
The words I couldn't say
I love you but I must go
Life was too much to bear
And so I fade away

sometimes i just get so sick
of how fake everyone is to each other like
"Hey, how are you?! You look fantastic!"
i struggle everyday to stay alive and i am running on eight shots of espresso and no sleep
"I'm doing really well, thanks! Yeah, you look great too. I love your shoes where did you get them?"
"Oh thanks, I found them at a thrift store for ten dollars. But I love your lipstick! Where did you get it?"
You don't actually love my lipstick, you just need to return the compliment because you're probably at as much of a loss for words right now as I am
"Oh, thanks, um, some convenience store probably. I don't remember."
Moment of silence
"So how are things at home? How's school? I haven't seen you in a while... Well there was that time we had plans but you cancelled because you had to work or something. It's nice to finally see you."
Yeah I cancelled on purpose and lied about having to work because we have nothing to talk about anymore and you are somehow still so attached to this friendship that has disintegrated that you refuse to acknowledge
"Home is good, school is fine, and yeah sorry about that one time, you know how it is. Work can be pretty unpredictable sometimes! How are you though? How is your boyfriend and all that jazz?"
"Oh my gosh, so great. We're moving in a house together right now, his parents are helping out which is great because I cannot afford a mortgage right now! Hahahaha."
Right, because you're 21 and you have your **** together and I don't but I can't tell you that because you'd never understand and we don't relate on that level of realness wow what do we have in common i can't remember i'm trying to remember but i can't
"Wow, good for you! That's a big step. Well I hope that works out for you. I have to go catch my bus now, but I'm glad we got to catch up, love."
forced hug
"Yeah me too, you are so beautiful and wonderful and I really really miss you. Don't be such a stranger, okay?"
but we are strangers why can't you just admit it to yourself so we can move on
"Yeah! Sorry I just get so busy. Nice to see you too and I miss you lots too. Talk soon?"
"Definitely."
*not

Under the old linden trees
Deep, fragrant dark spreading.
There were two of us
Yoshitsune and me
Silent
Silent
Silent

Linden blossoms
Quietly fell to the ground
And then, it was morning

There's a bond of invisible flame
Infinitely strong
Infinitely thin
Stretching over the ocean
Connecting us
Forever
Forever
Though we will never
Touch each other again
Till the death parts us

"You should never have set the thermostat to 'off'! Now my pipes are frozen & have no water!"

You should never have continued putting your alcoholism
Before all of your children
You should never have had to leave your job because you
Shoplifted and they let you off easy
You should have never taken away my house key because I
"Didn't deserve to have that privilege"
You should have been there for me when I told you
I wanted to die and that I needed you
You should never have asked me to lie to the one person I wholeheartedly trust
For the sake of protecting nothing & only further enabling your
Long-term delusional mind
You should have never given birth to me in the first place
If you planned on staying eighteen years old forever.

If accidentally leaving the house with freezing pipes and no water is the best way to say
*******
Without actually saying it,
Then so be it.

(Sorry I'm not sorry.)

I am making a desicion
to clean my body of
your hollow whispered bruises
cracks in my diaphragm
your words left sizzling there
like acid that dripped from your lips
I forgot the deception that swam from your eyes
I have never been stupid
enough to believe
that you were only one
when there were three.
But we stood and watched that house burn
never feeling colder,
than we did that night.
Im sorry your brother died and took
your parents with you.
So you are an orphan that
demonstrated car crashes
in the mere rhythm of your hands
or melody of your speech.
But I find myself drawn to angry cobalt blue eyes
too often enough to know that
I cannot grapple out of your choke-hold
and frozen fingers will bruise me every shade of your
roaring ocean-like blue.
I can only admire the sapphire in your soul from a distance
and hope the red ruby rage turns to wine and not blood.
I have left my marks on too many wooden floorboards, pleaded with too many icy aquamarine eyes;
from boys with steel in their voices but a fury in their hearts.
Too many fingernails stuck between infinite spaces somewhere in houses
where the silence reminded me of the stillness of a teal lake in spring
your eyes are reminiscent of a grey morning I do not wish to remember
I will leave a mark here.