This struggle has kept me real
straining to keep a grip
on everything I need to feel
wading through my kaleidoscope emotions
keeping them honest
with my pen and paper devotion
to myself

I have been on thin ice and slipped through
this two year trip away from myself
praying for an angel in the snow
if you've got your head above water
then you don't know what I know

but it isn't dedication if you don't bleed
hurt for what you want
until it isn't a want
it's what you need
dreams fall if weak shoulders hold them up
and dreams die the coldest death
sleep don't come in the door at night
if you lay down with regrets

so I follow the lead of everyone
who seems to be happier than me
but maybe I'm not cut out
to cut the bad parts out of me
I like life a little *****
it keeps me sane
in my times of strife and worry

when I'm running I can't lose and I can't trip
so I just pick up hold up and lift
maintaining whether I'm sure I want to
seems to be my gift

The struggle teaches you who you'll be
no matter what you gain or lose
it's worth every bruise and scar to see
who you are
and how to place blame on who they chose to be

all they ever taught were ways,
to swallow store bought thoughts they made
wrapped in little lessons learned
guiding light matches with the heads already burned

the world eats alive the hungry
feeds the fat and pats their tummy
puts a leash on every blue collar
sweating tears to pay for every dollar

struggle is spelled with college courses
black eye picking side divorces
memories with bitter tastes
mirrors with no memory of your face

and I never hurt so bad as having
no way to trust the one thing
that truly should have been the one thing
solid for a heart to stand on

best friends with better things to do
than take the time to make a call to you
was never what I heard them say
in the backyard when life was the games we played

I've never had a smile on this face
that I didn't pay for
with a dent in this heart
looking over it's shoulder

though there's nothing worse
than being alone
i've often welcomed a one man kingdom
for it's throne

if I ever told you I love you then
I appologize for what I said it's
better to have the truth now then
to have false security instead of
what you really want and
if I told you I cared then I'm sorry it
really wasn't what I intended and
if I could take it all back I
think I would leave it just the same I
think I like the way it turned out the
way we always end up together and
if you think I lied to you then
i'm sorry you believed me when
I must have said I love you and
I'm sorry you thought I felt beyond
the kisses I
really didn't ever mean to let you feel that
what you found in my touch was real but
you dove in too quick to realize and then you
tried to explain lust
I don't understand what you thought you
made exist in me and
I'm very sorry you thought I cared and
I appologize for what I must have said when
you thought I meant I loved you

It's the music, the alcohol
it's my situation won't improve

it's vices
it's smoking bidis
it's coughing from addiction

it's having talent but no outlet
emotion without expression
it's wondering if it's depression

it's insecurity
it's am I happy
it's advice when only I am me

it's drinkin brew
things I thought i knew
downing downers to cheer me up

it's a powdered nose
secrets no one knows
gambling with tomorrow

it's waiting tables
it's sore shoulders
it's scowling behind a smile

it's lifting weights
it's bad first dates
limp from drinking from the bottle

it's my ex lady
it's lusting
it's wanting what's in the past

it's a broken car
it's public transit
it's fearing that I am them

it's lovers cheat
talk is cheap
promises wash off my bed sheets

it's my breaking point
this broken joint
trying to calm my loathing

it's the ecstasy
that only fixes me
for one pill at a time

it's the president
pay the rent
work and school until I'm spent
never sleep
no cash to eat
feed my heart
with dreams I never see
holding on and letting go
walking fast and running slow
out of place
out of patience
job ******* placement

alcohol and strippers ****
dignity and throwing fits
trying not to slit my wrist
when everything comes down to this
moment
and I miss

it's insanity
everything all around me
it's me

when the spell of my nights dream is first broken
by the morning lights intrusion
making my grasp on you
dreary lucidity’s longing for illusion
I fight to stay
needing what I have when sleeping
and wanting nothing from the day
here in the haze where the memories loom
the aftertaste of the past nights dream blooms
here I have you again
never to lose another day again
realizing the greatest of wishes ascent
takes only an emotion and a moment spent
my every thought is of you

there is a hiding place in the corner of my mind
so filled with affections unfaded it is unaffected by time
it is lit so bright by gold sunshine
that I can see my heart unguided by my mind
I can see myself truly and my wants are only mine
I can see the truth that is normally covered and gray
my truths usually consumed
by the common tasks of a day
as each day counts us further away
I can feel my heart as it cringes and twists
and longs for the truer pursuits’ gift
the courage to pursue the truth that I love you

by any route that I can reach you, I must
through any hail-frozen storm of my emotions
over any mile of land or league of ocean
with any bruise beaten or bone broken
past all discouragement and carrying all fears
I must reach you

because beyond any lust or common desire
lies an edge at which we all must stand
to peer down into the fall that is ours to live
the place we let go of all but faith
and risk a bottom to hit, to have to face
or an endless fall to learn to fly in grace
I must fall for you

there is a clarity in the moments before
consciousness steals me into the day
where my heart still sleeps where it most rests
and my truer wants stay protected from the common tasks of a day
where I am with you and I taste you again
where I pull you in to kiss your skin and take in it’s scent
and feel your shape like I was carving you from stone
feel your hair fall softly on me as we lay still
I eat you with a hunger never filled
I need you and this longing hungers still
all I want is you

then I wake alone to wandering somewhere in my thoughts
between what was, what is, and what may never be again
your final gift to me as I depart and drift into the day
a last kiss as you tell me it’s a lie for me to try and stay
as I lose you to a place I cannot intentionally travel
you tell me not to fall for you, to let this fray and unravel
but I fight to remain near your fire
until brief flickers of your light
are the fading path behind me as I wake
and I lose you again
to the common tasks of a day
the simple things we do just to get by
I walk away from that edge and give you up to my fears
the thinking minds control of the feeling heart
I let it all unravel

though you walk the streets and live in daylight
and I pass by you here and there
I am scared to love you anywhere
but by night
in my dreams

I don’t want to feel this alive
only in my dreams

I must reach you