Hiding in Plain Sight, yet no one at church can see the real me, all they see is my faith and that is all there is to them.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet they don't the blue, purple and pink of the true colors of my heart and I know there is more to life than just faith.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet I bite my tongue thinking I will slip up and tell them I am not straight. When I know that if I did tell them I am not straight they would rebuke me for being me.
Hiding in Plain Sight, I am proud to be bisexual. Yet when I look around at the church I was raised in, I know I would lose all my church friends.
Hiding in Plain Sight, yet none of them see me.

Being schizophrenic, you see horrific things in your nightmares.
Being bipolar, every emotion is supercharged.
Being bisexual, don't get erased by society's standards.
There isn't one way to be you. There isn't one way to have a heart.
There isn't one way to have a mind. Being who you are and speak up for yourself or someone else who matters to you.

The men I work with at the gas station in my small town respect me and treat me as their equal. But the new kid questions my ability to work there. He is the Boy with an Innocent Heart.
He spreads rumors about me, insults anyone who tries to help him, gets into arguments with the kitchen manager and begs for more responsibilities from the store manager.
He thinks he is going to recognized for his cutting corners attitude but he doesn't. He is childish, lonely, unimpressive, a ****** canoe, problematic, spoiled and a selfish *****.
I work just as hard as any of the men I work with. He is worst than the Lazy Man.

Those dark blue eyes and her laughter make my days at work better.
I like how she tells me stories about her life.
I like how she glances at me and smiles.
I like how I feel around her.
I like how I can tell her anything.

Lost people are simply people who want a tribe.
Broken hearted people want people who can fill that void.
Broken minded people want people who can understand them.
It is easy to know because I used to be a lost and lonely person a long time ago. I was a troubled, strange adorable kid who made friends fast and they were usually as weird as I was.
Finding broken people are easy to search for when you are one.
I won't tell their true stories I have a moral code when it comes to friends of old. My past is mine and no one can take that away from me. I can only tell my own stories from my perspective.

Being fully healed from lovesickness is wanting to love but curiosity still wins every time.
She is vivacious with her dark blue eyes and slender body.
She is wants me to be more than friends with her.
She flirts with a smile and captures my heart.

The endless, light blue sky holds humanity underneath like cold blanket.
Of winter morn, people going to business meetings, people still buying Christmas presents and waiting for the end of the year.
The endless, light blue sky for one I am seeing today, you are seeing too.
The endless, light blue sky of winter morn, where ice is like glass and snow crunches under foot.

I go to the coffee shop on my days off hoping I will meet the one but nothing.
I think I need to join a dating app. Maybe then I will meet the one.

No one cares because No One is Watching.
If the crowds aren't watching then still be you.
If no one is paying attention then give them small interesting details about you that will get them begging for more.
If no one is giving a **** then surprise everyone with devote stubbornness and strong headedness.
Being who you are doesn't make you less human. Being emotional doesn't make you worthless. Being the strong and vulnerable friend doesn't make you lonely. If being a softie makes you a loser then watch how they end up alone and you with plenty of friends because having a heart doesn't make you a loser it makes you human.
The heartless and soulless people were scorned by their past but that doesn't them any less human or any less of a ****.
Being considered an equal among geniuses is an honor because equality is what everyone wants. Respect is given, trust is earned and honor is put under consideration until proven right.

It was you and me; now it is only me.
It was you and me, I hope he loves you right.
It was you and me; we were together for a month and a half.
It was you and me; our nights at my house were amazing.
It was you and me; I am glad you moved on and we are just friends.
It was you and me; I am glad neither of us regret what we had.

The Girl with Green Eyes never once stopped the rumors and gossip about me.
The Girl with Green Eyes never once defended my honor when I wasn't around.
The Girl with Green Eyes isn't a best friend at all and she isn't even an ally to me in my personal wars anymore because I don't trust her.
The Girl with Green Eyes was a fluke on my judgement and I don't know how I could that she was always ordinary.
The Girl with Green Eyes deserves her loneliness and her crowds because she never deserved my love nor friendship.
The Girl with Green Eyes isn't human because demons like her deserve to burn in hell.
She will forever be haunted by my poetry because I don't care anymore about what she thinks of me.
This vengeful angel have stories of truths to tell and that demon or siren whatever she is won't ever hold me back.

Sure I have volunteered a lot in my life. That doesn't make me a hero.
Wanting rights for people who need them as an activist. That doesn't make me a hero.
Writing essays about controversial topics because I am passionate about them. That doesn't make me a hero.
I don't save lives because I am not a police officer, firefighter, doctor nor nurse. I don't wear a cape and the only ability that I have that makes me special is that notice things that most people don't.
I don't tell people the state of America, I am not a reporter yet.
I can't tell people how stupid they are because I am not a politician nor a TV show host.
I am not a hero just a rebel. You can call me an angel, a sweetheart, a vengeful millennial, a crazy writer, a scornful ex, a hopeless romantic and a cute nerd as much as you want I will still be me. I am not perfect because I don't pretend to be that. Perfect is overrated and overused term. I prefer sincere and endearing or dramatic and insane whichever one suits your perspective of me.

I lost my reading glasses and now I have to wait to go to Walmart to get new ones.
I lost my reading glasses and now I wearing these stupid blue light glasses.
I lost my reading glasses and now I am all sorts of bored.

I saw you at the coffee shop yesterday.
You were with your boyfriend.
I am glad you moved on.
You said, "I don't regret we had and would do it again."
I am glad we are still friends.
You smiled at me and I smiled back.
Your boyfriend was jealous of how you looked at me.
Thank you for defending me to your boyfriend.

When people compliment me, I think, "What the hell do I do with this? Do I hug them? Do I smile? What if they are a stranger I don't touch strangers."
When people flirt with me, I think, "Make a joke they might laugh. Okay that was stupid. Do something else."
When people talk to me, I think, "Okay socialization! Where did those words come from? What was that? Who is this again? Name...name, come on I need a name! If I say you then it will be too generalized. If I make a snarky comment will they hate me?"
When I sing, I think, "What will people think of me? How do I sound? Wow, that was good. Can I do it again?"

If Love is a Measure then the world have fallen short because it is full of hate.
If Love is a Measure then envy is overflowing in people's hearts.
If Love is a Measure then selfishness is what people nowadays benefit from.
If Love is a Measure then divorce and cheating is happening more often in this world.
If Love is a Measure then unrequited love is devouring the hopeless.
If Love is a Measure then change must be required of the true to enact
as the guides of the lost.

I read in a textbook that 3 out 4 people with mental illness commit suicide. I have only attempted suicide once in my life a long time ago.
I know what true hopelessness feels like and it's the worst thing to ever feel. It's as though every cell in your body is turning against until your mind tells you to give up because you are in so much agony.
What are we to live in a hopeless and cruel world?
What are we to defy statistics?
What are we to become so resistant to despair that getting out of bed is a triumph?
What are we to be warriors rising from the grief and hopelessness?
What are we to be so mentally and emotionally indestructible to our own darkness?
What are we to mature from pain?
Are we angels or demons? Depends on the person. The true test of character is the how and why.
Are we inhuman? Depends on if you turned into a monster or not because certainly the test took away something childish from you.
Change is becoming so beyond your own standards that you are someone new.

If I touch you will you smile? If we go into a deep conversation will you be interesting to me? Are you worth me losing my mind?
What obsessions and passions you have?
I am curious. I have always been curious about everything. When I read people's stories through social interactions I notice a lot. The little details that matter in a story.
How Real Are You? Will you cry when I tell my tragic story? Will you love me for my quirks? What kind of jokes do you tell? Do you have a sense of humor? Let's figure it out.

Snow falling.
Shivering in a coat.
Sun covered up by the clouds.
Snow glistening.

The whoosh of going down snowy slopes.
Walking back up the snowy ***** out of breath.
Fresh wind pumping my veins.
Coughing out the fresh wind at the bottom of the *****.
Almost too much wind pumping through my veins.
Freedom and being alive at the whoosh going down the snowy slopes.

When I say Goodnight to him I want to say goodbye and leave me alone.
When I say Goodnight he wants me to stay up late until I can't function.
When I say Goodnight he don't understand that I don't want to see him until I am 100% mentally me again because he is so draining.
When I say Goodnight he sometimes makes me so angry that it scares him and I smile to myself having some form of resistance to his narcissistic charms.
When I say Goodnight he sometimes depresses me with his past sob stories knowing he wouldn't lie to me unless he have something to hide.
When I say Goodnight he overshares how hot other girls are compared to me because he thinks I will be insecure about him admiring other girls when I shrug off his insults like a heavy backpack.
When I say Goodnight I know his gaslighting and lies don't affect me because I am mentally stronger than his ego.

More family events today.
Family game night, last night.
Tiredness from last night sticking to me like a second skin.

My little sister grew up being my translator. I would be lost without her. I have always been quiet, soft spoken and sensitive.
People didn't understand why I was so shy. I had to repeat myself a lot which I hated.
My little sister went with me everywhere to be my voice. I have a voice of my own and I can speak for myself it just took me awhile to be confident. I would make snarky comments and my little sister would try to insult me which wouldn't work.
We would fight a lot as sisters do. Mom and dad would take my side in a heated argument. Mom and dad wanted my little sister to be just like me which is probably why my little sister was always so cranky.
I always wanted her to be herself as any good sister would want.

Blonde hair and black glasses.
Light tan skin and dark blue eyes.
One night, long ago.
One time her older brother waved at me from his ******* truck and said, "My little sister talks about you all the time."
I smiled and waved back. Saying nothing as he drove past me.

I have done a lot of stupid things and you aren't one of them. I am an open book just in multiple languages. I don't have a bucket list.
I think about dying on my worst days but not to **** myself just in general. Anxiety leads to heart disease with exercise. Depression kills 3 in 4 mentally ill people.
I have done a lot of stupid things and I am not an idiot.
I am not my mental illnesses, I just have mental illnesses. If you are reading this I am the gayest girl in my hometown and a legend.

God told me to keep going.
And to focus on the center of my heart.
But to keep going where? What am I doing that He wants me to keep doing? I know my heart is special to God.
It has been a Holy Spirit filled weekend.
It may be me making new friends at work or me making poetry.
So I am going to keep making poetry.

The Divide of you and me came gradually over the years.
You became a monster of your own making scarring me with trauma of you wanting to **** yourself when we got into fights, you obsessing over me and making me the reason for you to live.
This codependency I can't take it anymore.
I can't stand your sexist jokes, your pleading for us to be more than friends, you draining all of my mental energy, you thinking your better than everyone else and you repeatedly ignoring the fact that I would never be happy with you. I am one of the rare good humans.
I remember you being a sweet boy with bluish green eyes and now you are a shell of a man pining for me, a woman that will never love you the way you want me to.

The Sweet Girl and the dimple on her right cheek when she smiles.
The Sweet Girl said she will message me on Messenger when she wants to hangout with me.
I love The Sweet Girl's voice for it makes my days at work better.
The Sweet Girl has this way of getting cuter with each passing day.
Today she had her chestnut brown hair in a ponytail and wore a yellow flannel. It emphasized her prominent cheekbones. I couldn't help it but stare at how beautiful she is.

The awakening deliciousness. The caffeine rolling down my throat.
Milky galaxies swirling, cooling down the steaming brown liquid.
Oh how the brown hues call forth my mind to awake.
The brown liquid I take every morning to handle my mother, in the afternoon to handle work and at night to handle my mental triggers.
In a way it's my drug that manages to bring me back to happiness.
To understand humans so well I need the dark brown liquid.
Coffee isn't alcohol. I know that much. I prefer the bittersweet twang of the Coffee or the buzz of the alcohol. For most humans it's the other way around. I don't understand most humans. Hence being a nerdy rebel. I don't need alcohol to survive my mother, work nor my mental triggers. I just need the Coffee to handle all that. Scientifically, Coffee is a mood stabilizer with mood swings it's the perfect drug and it doesn't need an ID to get nor a doctor's approval.

Here's to Love that one day I will someday find my true love in a forever.
Here's to Love that one day I will have more friends that I trust and stay by my side.
Here's to Love that one day I won't be alone anymore.
Here's to Love that one day I won't be trapped in someone else's world ever again.
Here's to Love in hopes that I won't be lost ever again.
Here's to Love that one day I will listen to my instincts and learn to walk away at the first red flag.
Here's to Love that one day things will change.

The Gregarious Guy has dark brown hair, scarlet lips and pale skin.
He is strong, sweet and talkative.
He wears black frame glasses that brings out the dark blueness of his eyes.
His voice is rough and husky.
I work with him.

I accidently got my arm cut by the metal cutter of a saran wrap box when I was putting away dough buckets.
I got five stitches in my arm but I am okay. It hurts a lot since yesterday I couldn't feel my arm at all due to the numbing injection the doctor gave me. Feeling pain is okay it's just today I feel really tired as if all of energy got drained out of me no matter how much coffee I have. I am excited for my future scar but for right now I have to deal with the pain.

What if hate is just an emotion cloaked by insecurities and love is naked in truths?
People are afraid of truths and manipulate the stage for attention for their lies.
Anxiety is guessing the future by predicting the emotions by a script written in fear of abandonment.
Depression is not caring and living in true hopelessness as if it's the only despair that matters.
Having both is contradicting yourself to the point that people around you get confused.
What if being unapologetically about who you are is the only way to live without fear and hopelessness?

I have anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.
I am medicated and I have good doctors taking care of me.
There is No Cure, Just Mindset.
I used to be consumed by anxious and depressive thoughts to the point I was hurting myself with my own expectations of people.
People looked at how weird I was and abandoned me after a brief season of friendship.
They turned out to be popular, normal people who forgot about our brief season of friendship. Because people like that will never understand people like me.
My mindset is too set in psychology, sociology and philosophy for normal people to understand a word I say.
Sometimes it is nonsense to them and wisdom to me.
I grew to know many things either from experience or books.
I am not normal and I never will be normal.
Normal is an overrated expectation that society puts on children of the past, the present and the future.

That is to say going to church isn't fun for me yet it is fun for me.
That is to say I know the Holy Spirit and Jesus is real because I felt their presence. It is just sometimes I question if God is there because I don't know if he listens to my prayers.
That is to say I know He exists because you can't have the Holy Spirit and Jesus without God. I know my Heavenly Father loves me even if my church hates me for being bisexual.
That is to say I am spiritual not religious. I believe God the Father, Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit loves people who are good people.
Because the outcasts, black sheep of the family, rebels and people of all sorts deserve to be loved and I think the Holy Trinity loves them.
That is to say to be godly is to love your neighbor and follow the ten commandments which I do follow the ten commandments and love my neighbor. So to be godly should be that simple. Because to cherry pick the Bible would be ignorant and stupid. I don't care who hates me for the way I see the gospel.

It's more Spring than Fall because it's in the 50's and 60's outside.
It's more Spring than Fall because it's so warm and toasty.
It's more Spring than Fall because people are walking around in short sleeves rather than long sleeves.
It's more Spring than Fall because no one is wearing jackets even if you are wearing a jacket you are overheating in them.
It's more Spring than Fall the only indicators of it being Fall is the fallen leaves of oranges and browns as well as the Thanksgiving decorations in every store.

Yes, I have been to hell and back several times but I am Still Me.
Yes, I have had multiple emotional and mental meltdowns over the many years I have been alive but I am Still Me.
Yes, I have chosen my path of being tender hearted, passionate and relentless. I won't let the world destroy who I am for the sake of external sanity so **** the status quote! I am Still Me.
Yes, I have had awful days due to my anxiety and depression because caring too much and have my entire body ache in a dull agony don't mix well. There was one day in high school I took two ibuprofens instead of one to make forget my heartache from grieving over losing my best friend. It made me forget my heartache for a whole day but I don't remember the school day. I am Still Me.
Yes, people think I am weird for wanting to write instead of something practical. People many times have stared at me like I was crazy including my own family. I tend to stare back and smile as though their distress for my rebellious nature is my award. I am Still Me.
Yes, I have been called an enigma before by my older sister and weird by my peers, I take it as a compliment. I prove people wrong for a living. So take your boxes and stuff them up your *** because I will leave your head spinning. If you are judgmental about people then I hate you because I bet that stick in your *** covers all of the blood you taste in your mouth, being narrow minded doesn't make you better than anyone. I am Still Me.

I met him at Coffee Boy's coffee shop. He is an old guy who is married. He asks every girl my age if they have a boyfriend which I find rude because he assumes every girl is straight.
He visits me at work each night which sometimes creeps me out.
He is four times my age yet is fascinated by strong opinions.
He reads my poetry as if I am his grandchild which I am not.
Everyone in town loves him yet he is obsessed about me.
I have a social life too I just want him to respect that.

My mother always gave me childhood trauma that my father made up for. I always enjoyed wear boyish clothing. My mom had to force me into a dress when I was a kid. Where my mom gave me sad and angry memories, my dad would give me joyful and loving memories.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 7 years old. They would fight about my siblings and I. My dad always defended my sanity to my mom.
One of the things I heard when I was 7 years old my dad said to my mom, "You wanted to have her!" That's when I knew they were talking about me. My older sister was expensive sports wise. I was the expensive kid therapy wise. I had reading help in kindergarten. I had speech therapy from 1st grade to 3rd grade. I had physical therapy since I was in preschool to 5th grade. I had emotional therapy from middle school to college. I stopped one of my friends from erasing himself from the earth multiple times. Growing up friends I thought I could count on to stay around left me. Being abandoned by my old friends gave me trust issues. I still don't trust people easily. If you are going to drain my soul, take a piece of my heart then leave me. What was the point of getting emotionally invested in you?

Drinking to drink is fun because you are in a happy mood.
Drinking while depressed is just asking for the drunkenness to drown you in your sorrow.
Drinking to drink is easy because you don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks.
Drinking while depressed is basically strapping yourself to a rocket and hoping not to die.
Drinking to drink everything is light and bubbly.
Drinking while depressed is diving into the drunkenness and hoping it does **** you.
Drinking to drink is joyful and lighthearted.
Drinking while depressed is hoping the reality fades as you drink yourself into insanity.

I am saying goodbye to you in a gift. I will set you free. I am cutting the cord of this toxic connection. Your darkness and bitterness don't belong in my sweetness and light. Where I grow, you wither.
Where you see a forever, I see how doomed this friendship was from the beginning. Your emotional abuse, your mentally draining soul don't belong next to my kind, brave soul. I don't need you because I never did in the first place. You just convinced me that I did. I have a loving, dysfunctional family and amazing friends.
I don't need you degrading my little sister. I don't need you sexually harassing me. I don't need you begging for us to be more than friends. I don't need you depressing me with your trauma. I can't heal you and I can't help so you are hopeless.
So I am going to start the New Year off right by having my hope back.

Sometimes I am a hero and other times I am a villain.
The stories change from person to person.
I embrace my madness and my flaws.
Look me in the eyes, what do you see?
I am insane and I am okay with that. Other people aren't okay with my insanity. I can't cure my insanity. It's simply there lurking and waiting for me to feel insecure.
Look me in the eyes, do I seem like the person to manipulate anyone?
Let me answer that for you no I don't use people that's boring and evil. People use me not the other way around.

Very few people have seen it.
Very few people have experienced it.
It's my wild side or should I say the darker version of it. I am not all rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes I am holy fire and everlasting instincts. Scorching and fierce. Harmful by actions and ruthless by words. Something primal. Something relentless and is a raging beast inside of me. Sometimes as cold as ice and as calculated as a mongoose. It's like losing all control in your body and something else takes over. Rather someone else who has no rage in any other way I have experienced. Imagine you living your life and a rage, full of fire and ice was yanking at your chest but when it's free you are left with the damage that is caused. Everything bottled up is spilled out and there is the canvas created by someone else who happened to be you. It's beautiful, honest, terrifying, unnerving, messy and bizarrely all you. That's the best way I can describe it.

If you know me then great. If you don't then welcome to my life.
I am a band nerd. No surprise there. Music is what makes me better creatively. It helps me think. Ever heard of Mozart, or Bach? I love them. I know it's classical. Ever heard of The Fray, or Paramore? They are punk rock. Huge difference between genres. Duh, use your ears.
Octaves and dynamics are fun to play with. Changing keys is a *****.
Music is Medicine! It's scientifically proven to improve mood and memory. I hate stereotypes, imagine me being the rebel to ***** with people's minds. That's better. I can either be your morning sun or your holy fire. Either way, you can get burnt if you have too much of me. No I am not always a superhero. I am a rebel. I get to make up my own rules, I follow them. If you ask about my rules expect them to change each day.

Magic is fake, I seek no wealth from any psychic.
Magic is fake, they are just people hiding behind a mask.
Magic is fake, they are just people with pretentious mumbo jumbo that are begging for money from vulnerable people and it is sickening.
Magic is fake, mediums can go ***** themselves.
Don't seek anything from mediums or psychics because they are phonies.
Magic is fake, all it leaves you with is a headache and more confused than you were before.

My life is bittersweet like coffee.
I have a lot of good memories and a lot of bad memories.
I loss my most of my grandparents when I was younger.
I loss my best friend when I was 15 years old.
I got into an emotionally abusive friendship at 18 years old.
It took 4 years for me to build the courage to get out of that emotionally abusive friendship.
When I loss my best friend I was afraid to love again because the grief swallowed me whole. I didn't think I could bounce back from that but I did because I expressed and spoke about my emotions openly.
When I got into that emotionally abusive friendship I felt trapped as though no one could understand. That traumatic bond I had with my ex boyfriend wasn't worth how awful he treated me. That traumatic bond wasn't worth how unhappy I was with him.
I didn't think I could recover from that but I did.
When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia at 20 years old because of my psychosis I didn't think I could get back to myself but I did.
Life Considered it is pretty good. I experienced a lot through out the years and I am still me.

Mind spinning
The dizziness of wanting to *****
Whole body feeling numb
Heart racing
Shallow breaths
Lungs in pain

If you have ever read The Host by Stephanie Meyer then you know it ends with "People are strange" with the reply, "The strangest". I hate the Twilight series but loved the werewolf aspect of it. My mom read the Twilight series and forced me to watch the Twilight series with her growing up. I personally love Cassandra Clare books. That's the difference between my mom and I. I give an in-depth analysis of every book I read so I have my own well read opinions while mom enjoy the fandom high. My mom stopped reading fiction books when her church friends thought they were the devil's work. I still read all types of fiction books. I watched The Mortal Instruments: The City of Bones the movie 10 times before I actually started reading Cassandra Clare books. The show Shadowhunters was a poor adaption of the books. No matter what series you read "People are strange" is going to be the overall take away. The Beautiful Creatures series is great because forbidden love is wonderful to read.

"There is an infinity between 0 and 1" - The Fault in Our Stars
To say that people are complex and weird but to say that fate is what draws us together is another. To be weird and complex is to have simple standards of good and boundaries set. To have fate known is to believe that Universe actually cares.
"Pain it demands to be felt" - The Fault in Our Stars
I love realistic romances because love at first sight is crap and anyone who says otherwise is kicking themselves into submission.
Perfection is unrealistic. The white picket fence is unrealistic.
Finding true love is about trial and error. It's trust, compassion, unrelenting forgiveness, grace, mercy and kindness placed into a forever friendship. Sure I am melancholy about love because I know what kind of person I am looking for but haven't found my true love yet.

Is the courage to love worth it?
Short answer, yes
If you were to ask how so?
Long answer, to love and be loved in return is the greatest thing in the world.
So the courage to love is absolutely worth it. Whether it's new love or old love starting anew. It is always worth it. Because she or he is worth it to you. Because to love is be selfless and love beyond yourself. So yes have the courage to love.
Love so much that you forget what other people are thinking.
Love beyond who you are and become someone amazing.
Because chances are you are amazing.