We all live in the profound feelings and the unwavering declarations of the soul. That of which the mundane is another walk in the park.
There is nothing wrong with declarations or feelings but we live in the mundane world a majority of time.
That of which the park that where we all walk in is filled with past hurts, betrayals, past joys, grief, reality of your perspective and traumas. It's a bizarre park but the walk is part of the journey.
Walking through is better than running away. So walk through the park and become your better version of yourself since the profound are the breakthroughs.

When I loss my best friend a part of me went with her.
When I loss my best friend it was 5 days before my birthday.
When I loss my best friend I cried myself to bed each night and barely ate anything.
When I loss my best friend, 6 months after I tried to **** myself but I heard her voice say, "Don't". So put the pocket knife away and went to sleep.
When I loss my best friend, 8 years ago I couldn't look myself in the mirror because I kept getting memory flashbacks of our wonderful friendship. So I had to remind myself, she wasn't there.
When I loss my best friend, at night I heard her voice say, "I forgive you." And I felt her kiss my cheek. That night I forgave myself.
When I loss my best friend, I knew no one else was going to save me so I made new friends.
Her name was Kalie. And before she died she promised me we would be best friends no matter what. Her spirit doesn't visit me as often as she used to but I still feel her love for me.

Gender dysphoria,
I feel a stabbing pain in my chest.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel the pain spread across my body.
Gender dysphoria,
I feel phantom pains everywhere:
my ribs, my legs, my neck and my mind.
Gender dysphoria,
It's more of a physical pain than a mental pain.

No one in my family cares about what I do at the library.
I love reading about my mental illnesses and it's interesting.
It's adventurous. It's curiosity.
They don't understand and that is what hurts my heart.
They don't understand that I seek knowledge in books.
They don't understand that I am a book addict so sometimes I don't check out books because it feels like an experience that is sacred to me.

I am a mess of emotions, I am brokenhearted.
I am broken in ways, I am still figuring out.
I don't know what to do other than to make art out of my pain.
Painting with the shades of blue of my broken-heart to ink on paper.

He thinks everyone is an idiot so himself is one too.
You with your demanding blue eyes and smelling of **** when clocking in to work. You normal, average micromanaging man who thinks because you were popular in high school you can rule everything. You aren't the boss of me. You entitled idiot.
I am too smart for you. I may have been the special needs kid but at least I know what people think of me. You with your superiority complex it will get you no where. I hope your vaping habit give you wet lung disease.

Love is bewildering, she puts this ***** happy smile on my face just by existing.
Love is bewildering, she gets me in ways I am still learning.
Love is bewildering, she puts me in a love daze.
Love is bewildering, yet I am not confused, I am perplexed.
Love is bewildering, I am perplexed because she makes me feel indescribable things just by talking to me and considering me her equal.
Love is bewildering, she is definitely into me and hell yeah I will do anything to be with her.
Love is bewildering, we haven't even kissed yet but I know what we have is special to me.
Love is bewildering, I haven't even held her in my arms yet but somehow that doesn't matter because I will wait however long it takes just to hear her call me hers.
Love is bewildering, I haven't even felt her bare skin beneath my hands yet I will wait until we get there so I hope I don't mess this up.

If you ask me why I am turning on The Girl with Green Eyes. Well here is the short answer she is no friend nor ally of mine.
If you ask me why I wrote so much about her. It is simply because she deserved her rude awakening from me, her closest companion.
If you ask me why I want to hurt her reputation now it's because she deserves my resignation from the job of being her best friend.
If you ask me why I would ever do that to someone so spoiled. It is simply she never once understood me the way I understood her.
I know her true self like it's the back of my hand.
If you ask me why. It's a long story.

Overstimulation is pain across the mind and not being able to breathe. It's a high that health class doesn't cover.
The Edge of feeling anxious and tired is like wanting to sleep but not being able to. It's as though the air is heavier and moving around feels pointless. You don't need a textbook to know the equilibrium is off in the brain. It's wanting to scream in agony but not being able to.
It *****.

We live in a society that treats mental illnesses and sexuality as secrets of something evil within a church.
This is a society ruled by corrupt politicians full of themselves, government ruled by religion and people who just want rights to live as themselves. Is that too much to ask for?
The sanity that is left inside all of us is worth something. Society is insane and so are we.
We can't live in fear forever, go with that poetic justice and set yourself free.

Randomness. Flirting.
Being a demiromantic bisexual.
This is my queer life. Gay is an insult in the Midwest but I take it as a compliment. To get too close to someone is terrifying to me as a person but you get used to them living with you.
It's freeing, it's thrilling and they notice the small details about you.
It's fun and dangerous, commitment is. Because to love someone is worth all the **** you go through together as a couple.
I regret nothing. And I never will.
So rebel and live with yourself as mad you may be.

Okay so my poetry is my journal. I hope you think it's worth the time. When I say you it's either the audience or someone I won't name. I have always known that I was insane since I was in middle school.
You Have No Idea, if you do then congrats to you.
You Have No Idea, my anxiety and depression can get so bad it feels like being torn in two.
You Have No Idea, my bipolar disorder goes through all of my emotions draining me of my summer tan to a pale tone.
You Have No Idea, I am a high functioning sociopath just no one will say it out loud, I have a heart and a mind, I notice things other people don't.
You Have No Idea, look me in the eyes, see I am human too.

One Green Light is actually being understood and mutual virtues.
It's having the strangest conversations and laughing at the stupid parts. It's being included in plans with close friends and everyone having fun together. It's being spontaneous and letting the unexpected good moments happen. It's being vulnerable and them hugging you as if telling you they hear you.
Two Green Lights is losing your mind and them being concerned about you. It's hanging out with each other because the relationship is worth having. It's talking through the day or the night because the concept of time doesn't matter. It's having the hard talks and letting each other making jokes afterward since life is too short.

It's no secret I love you.
It's no secret that those 4 nights together were spontaneous and amazing.
It's no secret we still exchange smiles.
It's no secret those dark blue eyes enraptured me into your beauty.
It's no secret that when we took turns smiling into each passionate kiss.
It's no secret that when you told the whole town about us that people in this religious town wouldn't understand.
It's no secret that your giggles from those nights are still in my mind.
It's no secret that I want to kiss you again.
It's no secret that we were together those 4 nights and I want you, only you.

Detective shows. Being a demiromantic bisexual idiot in love.
Going to youth group. Outsmarting the other kids.
Hanging out with the older kids. **** what society says about mental ill and mentally disabled people. Because ***** off Trumpers, I am a Liberal!!!! Sorry but you are all worship a cult that doesn't even deserve a second presidency because he is a ******* stupid conspiracy theorist. Thank you for coming to my poetic rant!

It is cold and green. My entire life is confusing.
I am a demiromantic bisexual.
Happy Pride Month! Who wants fresh sarcasm?!
Life is Gay(Sarcasm).

I saw my old arch nemesis from middle school who bullied me at youth group at the gas station I work at.
I thought all of my rage was gone. I thought I had completely forgiven her completely in my heart.
But no the rage was still there and I hadn't forgotten at all.
I wanted to mentally destroy her as she did to me in middle school but that wouldn't change anything. I wanted to beat her up but I was on the clock so I didn't want to be fired. So I just smiled at her and told her to have a good night. She remembered my name as I remember the flashbacks of the emotional torment she put me through. That heartless, soulless human hope you never forget that Kalie chose to be my best friend instead of yours. I may be a loner and outcast but I am not alone. I never have been alone. Kalie was everything you weren't and Kalie chose me. Kalie may have died when I was 15 and broke my heart but Kalie Reign lives in my memories. I haven't said her name in 3 years it's about time I mention her. I am Brandi the Brave and Kalie Reign is my favorite angel in heaven.

The memories of you and I are bittersweet. When we messaged each other 2 years ago. Your messages made my heart skip a beat. Then we started Snapchatting each other. I noticed you friended me on Facebook, 3 years ago. When I first met you I thought your personality was abstractive but you were just so interesting, so beautiful. We were talking about superheroes. We were in Student Government Association group interview. Everyone else lost words to speak. We kept glancing over at each other. You wore a black dress and I wore a dressy shirt along with dress pants. We talked before that interview. After that I saw you at college. I guess our personalities blended well. My sweet, mild mannered personality with your I-own-the-place personality, we were a good team. I was a lone wolf who happened to know your friends. If you are reading these poems you know where to find me.

Whenever I smell perfume it reminds me of the girl's locker room and I feel lonely like I did back then.
My chest is tight and in church I just wanted to yell, "I am gender fluid!" But I couldn't I was frozen in my seat.
I counted my breaths and waited for church to get over. Time seemed slower. Of course my mom didn't notice.
Things are already tense between my mom and I. I am afraid to tell her because then she will rebuke me. I know it ,I feel it  in my bones.

My abusive ex-boyfriend were in the Quad Cities and this was a year ago. It was December of the Gays.
The Peppermint Latte was so Gay it was chilly in the Starbucks.
I love being a demiromantic bisexual. And it ruthlessly annoyed him Kenneth Darkheart Jr.

Everyone dies eventually.
We don't get to choose when we die. Suicide is one way of choosing death but not everyone chooses it.
There are goodbyes, eulogies, crying people, sympathies and wills to be read. Endings aren't all bad and beginnings aren't all good.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. To dust we shall return.
I have been to so many funerals in my lifetime it's like death follows me. I used to think anyone who gets close to me will end up dead. Now I think death and grief are just part of trauma. I know it's a dark thought but it's what I believe.

Smile as red as a dark rose in the sunlight.  Cheekbones as sharp as dagger on a battlefield. Eyes blue as the skies themselves in the darkest of night. Personality as bright as the sun on the warmest day of spring. Here is my future girlfriend!
She is my Castor and I am her Wayward.

I am a high functioning autistic woman who is gender fluid and bisexual. Ever since I was little I went to therapy and got help in school. It just my mom taught me how be polite and normal.
When I am not normal and brutally honest.
When I was 7 years old my mom asked if I was gay. So I asked her what gay meant and I didn't get an answer. Ever since I was little the doctors ran every test on me to see how I was developing.
I have always been socially awkward, empathetic, sensitive to light and sounds. Music and writing is how I always expressed myself.
My mom and I never had any deep conversations because that is what school and youth group was for. My mom and I only ever talked about movies and shows. My dad always stood up to my mom for me and defended me to my mom.

As we walk these paths, may we change the world.
As we walk these paths, may we change the statistics.
As we walk these paths, may we walk to freedom.
As we walk these paths, may we walk to courage.

Trusting isn't easy for me. Every time I ever trusted someone I always got hurt. The few I do trust is only under the conditions that they won't fail me.
Trusting isn't easy for me. It takes longer for me to trust people because I don't want to have my heart broken again. I have had my heart broken more times by the people I trusted the most than the people who I once considered my enemies.
Trusting isn't easy for me. I don't like blending into the background. I enjoy being the weird one. I care about people unconditionally and without expecting anything in return because I don't want to be like my mother who have conditions for everything.
Trusting isn't easy for me. I don't care about what people think of me.
When I trust someone it's out of vulnerability not out of faith.
Faith can fade away, vulnerability doesn't. When you share your story it's out of vulnerability. I don't have faith in most people. I lost my faith in people when my best friend rejected me for being bisexual. I still talk to her but it's only out of us being music partners. I still want to write songs and create something amazing.

Being classified as the The Mom Friend in America is like being complimented and praised at the same time.
Being The Mom Friend is worrying about your friends like they are children and acting as though anything will **** them like starvation, exhaustion, heat stroke, hypothermia, and frostbite to name several.
Being The Mom Friend you do research on anything personally and talk about facts to them as if it's gossip which it isn't.
Being The Mom Friend means feeding your friends, reminding them on road trips about anything important, caring about their hygiene, overpacking for school trips so nothing goes wrong and being the alpha female by loving them unconditionally.
I generally think most women don't know what an alpha female is in a wolf pack because scientifically alpha wolves care for the pack and never backs down from a fight unless killed off in a territorial war with another alpha wolf. People would have to do research on red and gray wolves to know that.

I didn't expect to lose my best friend at age 15.
I didn't expect to find close friends so quickly after that.
I didn't expect a popular choir girl to notice me and a genius pastor's daughter to accept me to her ranks.
I didn't expect being a bookish nerd to be so much fun with like minded friends.
I didn't expect fellow writers to be like me and they are.
I didn't expect fellow musicians to let me geek out over the history of instruments.
I didn't expect knowing tons of book and movie references to start many good conversations.
I didn't expect the people I sang with in praise band to be homophobic.
I didn't expect the popular choir girl to fade into the background of my life because of respective differences.
I didn't expect the genius pastor's daughter to be my closest friend.
I didn't expect many things yet I am grateful for my life.

I run through all of the situations even the impossible ones before I start talking to someone. I rehearse conversations to the people I want to talk to before I even say a word. If I want to ask for forgiveness I make a speech ahead of time. If I am going to make a fool of myself then I might as well be sincere while doing it. I read the room before I make a statement. I read the body language and the expressions of every conservation before I take the spotlight. I know everyone's job position just by looking at their clothes. I don't hold back my words so I never get to live with regret.
I overthink a lot, this is my anxiety that I speak of.
I overthink a lot, I know it's brutal honesty.
I overthink a lot, just give me a chance.

I don't have a *** drive. I know it exists somewhere in me but I know that I am not asexual. I know how deep I can love and care for someone platonically and romantically. It's just I don't understand people my age wanting to sleep with each other.
Even when I was in middle school I didn't understand the appeal of sleeping with someone. I know it's primal nature to every creature on the planet but to me I just want to trust someone who wants to love me. I know it sounds simple but I don't trust people.
I enjoy understanding things but I don't gain ****** pleasure from outsmarting people.
The Things I Don't Understand is personal to me. Maybe it's because of all my mental illnesses I don't understand the why.

Remarkable Love,
She is breathtaking by her beautiful soul.
Remarkable Love,
She has restarted my broken-heart.
Remarkable Love,
She may be my first love but she brought out a part of me I forgot I had.
Remarkable Love,
A part of me that is brave enough to face anything.
Remarkable Love,
I saw her last night while she was driving. Her dark blue eyes and that awe-inspiring scarlet smile.
Remarkable Love,
She has rescued me again this time with a smile. Sure we aren't getting back together. She reminded me who I need to be with a smile. That is who I have always been a selfless poetess because no one else is me and no one else is her.
Remarkable Love,
Thank you for reminding me of who I am.

Your sky blue eyes, your smooth voice, your sarcasm, your rockin' body and how you make me feel as though it's just you and me on this planet. I fell for you in my freshman year of high school. I hug you gently in my strong thin arms fear of breaking your fragile bones. You make me feel valid. When I hear you sing I call you Soul Singer because everything about you is soulful in the best way. You are a pastor's daughter. You are opinionated, have the best humor and full of puns. You took advanced classes and got started on college in high school. You helped me get through the loss of my best friend. When we sing together your raspy, deep voice mixes with my melodic, dark, sweet voice it's as though our souls are lighting up the world. People thought your band was my band. I never told you because I didn't want us to lose the good, strong friendship we have. You are just as wild as I am and it shows. I love you anyways! Happy Birthday!

To have mixed emotions all of the time isn't fun. In fact it's ******* exhausting. To have a reason for all mixed emotions combinations is like having a code written on your wrist in permanent ink. It never fades away. It's constant depression mixed with a lot of overthinking.
It's being happy at one moment and sad the next. Or angry one moment and laughing at a meme the next. To say that I am always depressed isn't accurate. In fact that makes me want to punch someone for the devaluing of my other emotions. Yes I am emotional but I have also felt emotionless. Both is its own story. I just choose to live with it.

Lost in your night blue eyes and how your giggles of those nights.
I remember how I trailed kisses along your light tan, soft slender body.
I remember how we cuddled. I remember how you smiled into each kiss on the lips.
I remember how your long, dark brown hair tickled my bare skin.
We still exchange smiles when I see you.
Then I remember that you are my ex-girlfriend. And I am glad you aren't mad at me.

We were friends in SGA because I was the vice president of Writer's Guild. I fell for you the Beautiful Secretary. You had my heart with your harsh personality and those blue eyes. You made me feel normal. I have never once felt normal a day in my life. We went to the small group in college. I went insane then you forgave me.  You Snapchatted me saying, "Brandi, take me back!" I couldn't take you back then because I didn't feel worthy of you. I know it's been 2 years but I am better mentally now. I can promise you will never be bored I have mood swings due to my bipolar disorder. I know your friends thought we were dating and it made you uncomfortable. You are worth giving this white flag to. I had a war with my myself. I am sorry you got in the middle of it. So Beautiful Secretary I know as a Crazy Writer I can't rewrite the past, those chapters are there for a reason.
The Fall of Chaos was something I never saw coming.
The Witch Trial is done and over with. Will you give this Crazy Writer another chance? I still miss you Beautiful Secretary!

In middle school I desperate to in fit but still be myself. I had a crush on a popular girl who eyes were turquoise. I sat next to her in my clarinet section for 7 years. I wrote her letters until I gave up on the hope of her writing back. We had art class together. When I gazed into her eyes, I saw a good person. I am a softie for good people.
I watched her YouTube videos. I accidently Facebook stalked her. I had an obsession with this girl. My obsession was once about getting into a popular group then turned into genuine caring for her.
I saw her at college once she blushed when I glanced at her. I had dreams about her from middle school to high school. In high school I stopped caring about fitting in and just stayed myself. I figured I rather not change my personality to fit into a group that I know barely anything about. Yes my best friends were always the nerds. I didn't care about the status quo and I hated the drama that would occur with popular people which was everyday. I preferred the company of my friends. Sure there was some drama every twice a month. It was what I could handle. Being academically gifted didn't mean we nerds weren't impartial to dealing with anxiety and depression. It would take me forever to count how many of my creative friends deal with social anxiety. It's common to have to deal with anxiety.

I felt someone kissed my head when I was at Olive Garden with my siblings. It ran a chill down my spine.
I felt someone kissed the back of my neck when I was in the SGA office working on my poetry. My pulse raced against the touch.
All of this was 2 years ago. I know somehow they are the same person. I just don't know who they are. You can come out of hiding. I am not scared of you. I just want to know: why me?

So my friend and I have flirting back and forth for a while. She told that she is interested in me and I told her that I am interested in her. So I asked if she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said yes. So now she is my girlfriend.
She has light blue eyes, blonde hair, pale skin and black framed glasses.

Snowflakes falling from gray clouds.
Layer of Snow covering the browns and oranges of Fall.
Cold temperatures and winter coats.

There were poets long before Edgar Allen Poe.
But he saw the darkness and wrote about it.
He coined the phrase, "I gazed into the abyss and the abyss gazed back into me". He was historically mentally ill.
He ended up one of the greats. He wrote a story about a man talking to a bird. He wrote a story about the a man with a freaky eye and another man murdering that guy.
He was inspired by the darkness of the world and became known as mad.

I am reading Two Different Books, one about schizophrenia and the other about bipolar disorder now that I am reaching the end of both books the advice sounds similar through different words.
I know that both give advice on how to always stick with the meds and therapy.
I know that both give advice on to keep insurance because mental health is expensive.
I know that both give advice on keeping notes about when to take meds and to write in a journal everyday.
Mental health is as important as physical health everyone should know that. If you don't then read a book about any mental illness you want in the nonfiction aisle because research is just as important as definitions. Knowing the meaning behind the words is just as important as knowing the symptoms.

Trends are discovered by science and crowds.
Bigots are discovered by newspaper outlets and the media.
You can't really say life is a one way street.
Dorothy had the yellow brick road or the red brick road.
People told her which way to go.
We will never know what was on that red brick road.
Charts aren't all Math. The same not all scientists are evil.
Media have all kinds of perspectives it's the finding the right one that is where creativity is.

The Blue Door is the door to my mind palace. I open it every now and then when I have the strength to. In my mind palace is rows and rows of books I have read along wooden bookshelves. My journal shelf is an ever growing catalog of knowledge from over the years. Every year there is a new volume in my mind. My journals are like my encyclopedia of emotions and love history. My type gets refined with every year until it's a list of characteristics and personality traits I seek in a person. The Danger Book behind the Red Door is all of the times I shouldn't have done but did anyways, regrets, past mistakes and the what ifs of me. These are all in my mind palace. I have learned from that summer don't get locked in the mind palace or bad things happen.

The scorching sun. Panting breath. Colorful signs. Afternoon stroll in the downtown. People walking by. Pool open kids coming in crowds. Lunchtime rush. Businesses overflowing with people.
Coffee. Smoothies. Refreshers. Anything to bring a smile to someone's face on the hot, sweat filled days. Ice cream. Snow cones. Funnel cakes. The snacks that remind me of my childhood.
Air conditioning. Conversations everywhere. People looking at their phones. Typical summer behavior.

She has sky blue eyes, dark pink lips, blonde hair, pale skin and freckles all across her face.
She was wearing a white dress with blue flowers on it. Practically emphasizing the blueness of her eyes.
I didn't catch her name but she is the new girl at Four Seasons.
Our hands touched briefly as I gave her my debit card to pay for my new clothes. For a moment I didn't want to go anywhere. She has a calming presence and a wonderful smile.

The chocolatey sweet cream is deliciously gay.
Coffee is Emotive.
Activate the Resurrections!
Randomness. Dream Dating.
Life is very bisexual if you ask me.

Forever Ago, you were in my arms as we cuddled nakedly together in my bed.
Forever Ago, you told my dad we were a couple.
Forever Ago, you told the whole town about our nights.
Forever Ago, I called a ****** for being with you by people I didn't know.
Forever Ago, you were mine.

My past may be tragic and I have a lot to deal with.
My split personality and manic depressive insanity is part of what makes me weird.
I grow from ashes of enemies fires because I don't repel my pain since running away doesn't help anyone including myself.
I am a lot to lose and a lot to gain. My past doesn't define me.
I focus on the future. I most importantly stay present.
I am a rebel with a fiery spirit because I rise despite the darkness that wants to destroy me.

My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me last week.
Now she is my ex-girlfriend.
She tried to **** herself this week but thankfully she is still alive.
She said, "It's not your fault." And she said, "It wasn't because of what happened between us."
But then again she also said to me on our last date, "I would be lost without you." I might as well give y'all her name: Jaimee.
Jaimee is my ex-girlfriend. Jaimee broke my heart. I am single again but I don't regret our relationship. I am not bitter about it which is a relief. I am glad that she broke my heart because it's better to have love and lost than to not to love at all.

Love is Madness.
It is felt in the depths of your soul.
Love is Madness, It is falling completely in love with someone worth the madness.
Love is Madness, To be insane I already know of Madness now I have to find the Love that I lost ages ago.
Love is Madness. It is losing your mind one moment and regaining yourself in their arms.
Love is Madness. It is being their one and only who truly knows them.
Love is Madness. I had Love that was Madness once. I am trying to get back to that not the idea of it.

Love is Peculiar,
she is on my mind all the time.
Love is Peculiar,
she is in my dreams.
Love is Peculiar,
I am enraptured in her dark blue eyes.
Love is Peculiar,
My heart sings her name.
Love is Peculiar,
I crave her presence.
Love is Peculiar,
Every time I see her at work, she makes my day better.