I have been told once that I should be a politician.
I may understand politics and unusual facts but I don't want to be fake, bitter and consumed by other people's opinions about me.
Too much drama and too much stress.
Living in a religious small town I had to create own thoughts and ideas so I didn't have to be brainwashed by societal norms.
I may be spiritual but I am not religious. Religious just sounds too starched collar for me. Spiritual just sounds more open minded and natural for me. The Spiritual people I meet are more accepting while Religious people can't go 5 seconds without arguing with an atheist.
I know the difference I grew up in my church. Everything is a routine including socializing at church.

If you ask most of my closest friends they will say that I am Innocent and Pure. Most of them compliment me and praise me when I am not around. Life of a writer I guess. Helping people, giving representation to the invisible, giving a voice to unspoken people within politics and anonymously revealing the true colors of the seen.
To many I am a hero, to few I am a villain and sometimes I am just the rebel. Again depends on who you ask. I wouldn't say any of this if it wasn't true. Some stories have three perspectives, I know I sound insane but it's true. I never hide how crazy I am because it's useless. Eventually the truth comes spilling out like blood at a crime scene.
I prefer living in the light, emotional scars and all. So yeah I may be mad but I chose to wear my heart on my sleeves.

I am not all vengeful angel sometimes I am a heartless demon.
I know shocking. Grief changes people. My grief divided me in two.
Losing my best friend at 15 broke my heart. Most of the time I am an angel other times I am a demon. My mind palace keep both sides in equilibrium. Sometimes I can be distant and in my own little world. Other times I can be the embodiment of sunshine. I will defend my family and friends from my dark side as much as I can but sometimes my dark side sneaks out and makes a mess of my life. I know I am describing myself as two different people. But that's what the grief did to me.

I am not just a warrior and a rebel. I am a sister, a best friend, a daughter, a good friend, a mysterious stranger and someone who will accept almost anyone to my army.
To Feel is an honor in a world that is so fake.
To Feel is a privilege in a world that makes fun of madness.
To Feel is a special badge in a world that finds realness so deep that barely anyone can breathe in it.
To Feel is accept the weird and throw spite on the normal.
To Feel is to make new friends a home in your memories.
To Feel is to be loved and valued by best friends.

Yes it's another one on an uncomfortable subject. I am a Christian so it's not going to be superiority propaganda. That's very Anglo Saxon ******* to force a religion on anyone. So I am just going to put my thoughts down. If it's very forward of me on any of my opinions then I plan on offending as little people as possible. No you may not interrupt my train of thought so shut the **** up. Christians are uptight, don't look this way or I will religion you type culture, they deny people who God doesn't hate love because hell you go politics, they will be snobs in the most casual settings because dress up isn't just for church, prayer chains are shame settings for people who need therapy and they will give you food when you really need someone who actually cares not a casserole. I am writing what I know so here it is.

I was hanging out with my new friend today.
I saw a popular today who begging for information about me even though I was having a casual conservation with my new friend in Coffee Boy's coffee shop. If she actually hung out with me in high school she would still think that I am weird. I don't care about her since she is "that popular person" because "beauty is only skin deep" for them. I don't pay over 100 hundred dollars for my fashion sense. I would rather put my money towards books. "Knowledge is power" as much as "Ignorance is bliss" so, therefore; any knowledge I acquire from books is my power over ignorance. Anyone who messes with my friends expect a war of wits and knowledge. I protect my friends with my iron clad stubbornness. As I said before my friends enjoy helping people so they can handle themselves. Being nerd have it perks. Like an army of friends, being genuinely loved and valued, as well as having people who validate who you are as a person.
I may be vindictive but I know how to handle myself in this world.
Vindictive is My New Favorite Word. As you may say I am an everlasting vengeful angel.

Change the story. Find the missing link. Some characters are just spinoffs of a bigger story. Other characters are heroes in disguise.
Tragedies don't make a villain less than human. The same logic goes for heroes because flaws don't make them worthless. Perfection is just a tale we tell ourselves so we can convince ourselves that we are worthless and unlovable. Which is false. Why believe a false tale? Because we eat lies so often that we don't know that we are poisoning ourselves. ***** up the truths you think of. Color the black and white world in a rainbow for all that I care. Normal is bland and boring. Be weird, create own stories. Chances are you have people of all ages thinking for themselves without even trying. If they call you confusing, give a grin and show them a masterpiece.

Last Night, my PTSD acted up kept giving me flashbacks putting into agony across my body from grief to paralyzing pain throughout all of my muscles.
Last Night, I couldn't breathe and had tremors. I kept rolling in my bed in pain and overstimulated from the flashbacks. By the time I could breathe I still couldn't get out of my bed without falling back into my bed.
Last Night, the fireworks brought back memories of last summer and my fear of being alone in the dark from when I was a kid. I talked nonsense into the darkness but I couldn't sleep. I was staring into the darkness and my pulse was still pounding in my chest at double time.
Last Night, It took splashing cold water on my face to throw up my dinner into the sink feeling my throat burning and all my weight going straight to my legs. Everyone was asleep because it was the 3rd of July and midnight. Me being sensitive to light and sound I never liked going to big social events to see fireworks and I loathed parades because the sirens hurts my ears but I always enjoyed the marching band. I always hated pageants because I knew deep down even as a kid that wasn't real beauty no matter how rich the kids were riding on the back of fancy cars. Pageants in the Midwest is what you expect drama, pettiness, vicious girls dressing up for a status quote show. The tiaras were plastic and fake much like the shows. The trophies metal and cold like the girls who were fighting for them. I was always bored at the interludes for the pageants. It's like no I may be beautiful but I won't put myself in a bikini so judges can degrade me on my thin, muscular figure.

I live to prove people wrong about me. With the skinny jokes. Also the *** jokes I get from my atheist ex-boyfriend. I handle a lot. I hate *** jokes because I understand what they are referencing but I don't get them like normal people do. I think *** jokes are degrading of every female anyone who ever explicitly joke about. It's like can you not degrade people in front of me? I think *** jokes are sexist, desperate pleas for wanting romance. It's awful how gross humans can be. Just because I am beautiful and have confidence doesn't mean my primal instincts are all there. I have mental illnesses and trust issues; therefore, my primal instincts aren't all accessible.
I enjoy being polite, a good human and respecting others. I won't go have a fling because movies say I should. Romeo and Juliet had a fling then they both died. So no I won't do as the rom-coms say I should do. I want to create my own love story. One that is soulful, rich with good memories, sparks flying and the earth fading away.
I know it sounds like an essay about rejecting society's definition of love but I know what I want so yes in a way I am old fashioned.

The ink bleeds my pains and sorrows.
The paper captures every ounce of ink.
I don't need to cut myself because the Pen Cuts as Well as a Knife.
It's better to spill my soul rather than have blood to worry about.
I unravel my wild side into the pages. Chaos spreading. Anger ebbing into tiny flames. I pass my literary codes to those that I trust. Warning them of the flood of rage that is to happen. I keep those I love safe from the beast within. I am the kind of beast that needs to be understood in order to feel loved. Understanding between two humans is the intimate thing people do. I would rather have my mind and heart understood than be glanced at as though I am a crazy person. I may start a wildfire of scorching rage all around me until I rise out of the ashes like a phoenix. Vulnerable, exhausted, bright in the light and full of colors. I keep my distance and my silence until all of the anger is out of me.

Isn't Tuesday just second Monday?
Where did all of my energy go?
Why am I so exhausted? How do people function normally on a Tuesday? If I could ****** a day in a week it would be Tuesday not Monday. Mondays are for beginnings. Tuesdays are just there for show.

I am confident, brave and fearless.
Why do I care about how I present myself?
I believe in soulmates but I don't trust people.
I believe in deep, soulful romance and in God. Yet I don't judge people, I just observe people. I write about what I know which is a lot for my age. I have experienced a lot.
My wants are very little and my needs are a lot.
I am complex, simple, intelligent and mature. To love people is giving them chances to hurt me. To care for people is giving them chances to break my heart. I take the risks yet among geniuses I still feel valued as an equal. Time is just a variable in a machine bigger than all of us.
To be human is to be vulnerable and strong at the same time.

Being a nerd you have to get used to being invisible. When someone actually cares about you and see you for you. That's when the invisibly fades and suddenly you aren't invisible anymore.
To think you once thought you were worthless now someone says you are beautiful and not a burden to love.
They leave and suddenly you think something is wrong with you.
Writing symptoms of anxiety and depression in a journal hoping to get rid of the pain of getting emotionally attached to them.
Busy is code word for you aren't a priority to them. Time continuing them fading into the background of life. Suddenly your freckles are cute as they say at youth group. Your chest warms for a little while and everything is back to normal. You are told that you have a strong jawline before homecoming then those green eyes gazed at you and that smile with that one dimple consumes you into a happy reality.
If only I knew popular choir girl ever love and care for you when it's benefits them. Poster girl for Christianity and everyone thinks she is perfect then you are just her supporter for years then the label best friend is branded on you as the public watches you make a fool of yourself for this girl with green eyes. The hubris and the stupidity to ever give unconditional love to a girl who is beloved by crowds. You aren't perfect, girl with green eyes. You are selfless when it benefits you because I am a talented writer while you sing people into your adorable charm. You, girl with green eyes may say you are weird but you fit into this religious small town while I don't and I never have fit in. I hangout with genius while you kiss up to people who only care for you because you are a benefit to their life. You, girl with green eyes heard the rumors about me, why didn't you run when you had the chance? I still care and love you girl with green eyes. Why do you hate cussing and me telling the truth? How much do you hide from the world other than your selfish networking? You hid your cancer diagnosis from me. Afraid that I will spill your secrets? I am not heartless and soulless like most people in this town. I gave you my big secret and you scared me because you rebuked me for being me. Afraid to handle a brutally honest bi girl? Well you should be. I will become famous with my writings while you chase after boys who have wait for you to sing in order to fall for you. You may be beautiful but I know the monster you are. Remember that girl with green eyes. Being narrow-minded gets you nowhere. Take notes about me embracing the outcasts and having my own army. Where was your crowd when you had cancer? I was there for you every chance I got. I proved myself to be your best friend because I thought you were only person in the world who valued me. I was wrong in the best way. There are so many people like me. Mentally ill, weird in a good way, who love books and pop culture references and who enjoy deep conversations about life. I don't hide my politics and I don't have an agenda. Enjoy your strings while you can girl with green eyes because I live without strings attached to me. I am free so why do you choose to live in a cage? Just curious it's the reporter in me. You should meet Coffee Boy now that's somebody who cares about people who enter his coffee shop. I had to sleepover at your house to earn coffee and a personal journal from you. I never told you all of my secrets and I am grateful for that because you wouldn't understand what it is like to be me. I may have a broken heart and a broken mind but I have never been more me in my life. Madness is true freedom. To put it simply, to be broken is find new worlds that people haven't discovered. I find light where the darkness swallows me up. You are too afraid to burn bridges because this town gave you a mask that you didn't even want. You never even made friends with my genius best friends. I granted the best friend title to you because I fell for you. They earned that title. That's the difference between you and them. We nerds are gifted in what we put our minds to and want independence from our parents who spoil our passions with expensive gifts on Christmas. You were given your life on a silver platter and had a silver spoon in your mouth for so long you never thought to get independence from your parents. I know you have a picture perfect Christian family but I still know to some degree some part of you have madness in you. I guess that's what I loved about you, your madness. Please flourish your madness, I beg you girl with green eyes. You have the whole world eating at your palm for your normal story but madness is where an army is made. Stop being invisible girl with green eyes because I only noticed you because you chose me as your best friend. Just imagine what your crowds think of you. Wait you don't analyze every situation like I do so you don't know about being forgotten and abandoned by heroes. I don't buy your normal story for one second because I know you like every poem I write. Predictable, already written and in my journals. I have everything on you and you got nothing on me because I thrive and evolve while you dissolve under pressure. You would be nothing without me and I would still me regardless.

Peel away the mask. What will I find? Beauty? Ugliness? A beast caught up in a fake life? Or a human hiding in the shadows terrified of being alone?
Peel away the mask. Are you a misunderstood villain? Or a hero praised for being a kiss up?
Peel away the mask. What dark secrets are you hiding? Who are you without the mask?
I don't see the point of hiding your agenda the truth comes out eventually. I don't see the point of collecting secrets behind a mask because there isn't much to hide in an invading society.
See each detail, evaluate the destruction behind the mask and release yourself from the mask.
What ghouls are you hiding behind the mask?

It was my freshman year of college. You played flute in concert band. I played clarinet. You made me nervous. You nearly kissed me when I was staring at your red lipstick with your polka-dotted navy blue dress. I meant to ask you out sometime during college. My heart always raced when it came to you. I was speechless around you which is a compliment to you because when it comes to music I never shut up. Yes I know this is gay poetry. I mean this. All of this. I know I am socially awkward sometimes stoic. But I mean well, my intentions are pure. I like taking things slow. I wanted to start out as your friend then give you a love confession but I didn't get the chance to. You can ask our ginger friend for my number if this won your heart. I just wanted somewhere to start.