It's called Philophobia.
It's the fear of loving or being in love.
I believe everyone has been a victim to Philophobia
especially if their hearts have been broken too many times.
Heartbreak makes you wiser.

You are crushed in my mind,
We are frozen in time.
I feel like I can never forget you,
You make me feel alive.
I'm amazed, how you attracted me.
It must be that smile,
The one that warms my heart
And soothes my emotions.
Although I used to have you,
I love what we had.
I think about it as a winning.
I won't regret anything.

What's up sunshine?
Why, please do come out and play--
You are the only light of my day.
And I need to feel the warmth of your rays,
So please come out and stay.


*For my favorite person.

It's the end of freshman year.
I'm single.
I work.
My life still *****.
My dad hates me.
He hates me.
She hates me.
I've lost many of my friends.
I still don't have a car.
I'm sixteen.
I'm failing history.
I actually cleaned my room.
I've gained weight.
I still want to die.
I still cry about Him.
My legs are fat.
I'm fat.
I can't trust anyone.
**** the world.
I hate love.
What is love?
It's always my fault.
Why do my parents hate me?
Why aren't I perfect?
I remember all my mistakes.
I'm a mistake.
Aren't we all mistakes?
I hate my life.
I'm not responsible.
I'm stupid.
I'm short.
I have 25 bucks.
I should go buy a candy bar.
But I will become even more fat.
Never mind.
Will starving myself help?
That's so gay.
I will become famous.
After I get rid of my depression.
Why doesn't He love me anymore?
Because I'm a *****.
It's so beautiful outside.
So I'll stay locked away in my room.
Not like I have anyone to hang out with.
Why doesn't deodorant work?
I sweat to much.
My family is ****** up.
That includes me.
Is my heart even beating?
Or am I dead?
Nope, unfortunately.



These are some of many things my depressed mind thinks.

Our relationship? Well it's kinda hard to explain.
You see, he was a boy with many dreams,
Of traveling the world, and seeing many things.

I was just a girl who was very shy,
negative, with only thoughts on her mind.

He was really a nerd, I thought.
I was afraid to "give it a try"
My walls were built so high.

He never gave up on me,
Even after all those rude things I said to him
Just to get him away from me.

Finally, I gave it a try.
I fell in love and never looked back.
We were strong for two years.

Until last summer.

Lets just say I am still in love.
But with a person who's moved on.

People tell me to grow up.
That they knew it wouldn't last all that long.

How can I just forget?
The only person worth my while
Who actually made me smile,
And made me happy?

From the time I came out of the womb,
I was nothing, but beaten to the pulse.

Daddy gone, you alone with your three children.
The world must have been ending!
For you couldn't even handle that.

So take it out on us, we are the mistakes.
Smoke your Marijuana, make the head aches go away,
For we were the children who ruined your life.

Now grown up, and out of that hell hole
I realize that you were messed up.
From past problems that run in the family.

But you didn't have to let him do those things to me,
and not say a **** thing,
You knew it was wrong, disgusting.

If you were getting paid, then its fine and dandy.
Take your children's innocence from their grip
And never let them be the kids they wanted to be

This is from the mind of the deranged--
Little did I know, I had a pleasure for carnage.

It always made me intoxicated.
To conceive the crying children,

As they pray to their begetter--
For a place of refuge.

I explicitly annotate--
It's not me who you resent.

I have so much tribulation--
I wish I was habitual.

But I'm afraid I am a bit melancholy--
Which leads me to foresee.

Many deaths that are to be--
Between this fraudulent identity.

Beloved! amid the earnest woes
That crowd around my earthly path---
(Dear path, alas! where grows
Not even one lonely rose)---
My soul at least a solace hath
In dreams of thee, and therein knows
An Eden of bland repose.

And thus my memory is to me
Like some enchanted far-off isle
In some tumultuous sea---
Some ocean throbbing far and free
With storms---but where meanwhile
Serenest  skies continually
Just o'er that one bright island smile.

                                    *Edgar Allen Poe

This is my escape.
From this thing called Reality.

It's about time for you to grow up, Brandi.

Writing releases my worries,
About life.

Distracts me from my
Anxiety

Leaves me feeling better about myself.
It helps me to grow up.
In a way that I don't have to show anybody!

Except my poetry pals.

The only people who
*Understand

I find it really funny,
How you always talk ****.

You never could relate,
To anything I admit

You are to afraid,
To actually come and complain

So I'll save your games for another day,
When I feel like throwing a fit.

Paint a picture with your words
Give my mind the freedom to wonder
Imagine the place that you describe
With your palace of perspective.

Paint a picture through your voice
The soothing sound of sweet delight
Let me listen to each note
A key of beautiful measure.

Paint a picture with your hands
A skilled prodigy with no remorse
Each brush that's dipped in paint
Creating the perfect image of light.

Paint a picture though your body
The way you move with elegance
Power of every step you take.
That feeling you get when you dance.

I guess this is hard to say.

But I made a mistake.
I suppose I ******* up,
And I wish I was still with you.

I always tell God how much I miss you,
And how much I care,
And that I hope you are okay.

I never believed until I met you.
In God.
In Love.

and I made a mistake.

I still love you.

Just another wish in my mind
It changes every time
Every day and night
Wishing for paradise
A place where every relationship remains
Where we never cry
And the dreams coming true
Of you and me
Of him and her
Of him and him
Of her and her
A place of peace
No judgement
Memories never fading
Just all of us loving life.

There will be days
Of the sudden sadness
The unstoppable laughter
The uncontrollable anger
The unthinkable adventure
The unbelievable dream
The untitled life
Live as you never lived at all
And make every moment worth while
Live for something or die for nothing
It's in your own hands.

I never tell you
When you make me cry.
Because I know you don't care.
My opinions never matter..
They are just thoughts that float in the air.
Maybe I should just give up,
From trying to get you to see me.
Enjoy my company,
Love me once again.

You get me so high
Higher than the sky
Make me feel worth something
Make me smile bright.
Get me higher than the eagles fly
Tell me how those days went by
When we danced in the meadows of life
With nothing to fear, but the love we gave to each other.
You make me higher than the balloons that float in the air.
But smoking can't compare
To the high your love gives me.

The feeling of being alone,
Of feeling worthless.

Those days you just don't feel like getting out of bed,
And going to work,
Because what's the point?

You think you are crazy.
But it's okay, really.

Most have this condition,
Including me.

It's called Depression.

I made a deal with the Devil.
He told me to run away,
And never look at you the same.

He said he would help me pay
All to play his game.
Why?

Because I had made a deal with the Devil
To never see the world the same,
For life not to remain--
The goal of my sanity.

This may be the last thing I write.
I've never understood why it was so hard to continue.
Continuing with living.
Depression rules life.
It is easier to die than it is to live.
This is no suicide note, I tell you.
I'm hoping the Lord will take my soul and heal my pain.
Without me having to hurt others.
We work so hard to live, we almost kiss death right on it's putrid lips.

I know you are hurt.
I understand your pain, believe me.
Many people do.
But, take a moment to look around you and realize, its not always about YOU.
You've been though so much,
So have I.
But I know how to see that I'm not the only one who's suffered.

I miss the life I never had.

Was what we had real?
I like to believe so.

But then I remember..
Why it never worked out anyways.

But why am I still mulling over the fact,
of not being able to see you?

Why do I believe I still love you,
When you hurt me..

By telling everybody my biggest fear.
My life lived..

I was yours to cherish, and hold.
But I guess you made a mistake.

You'll never find someone like me again
Your loss..

You could say I'm an angry person.
You might even say a bit crazy.

But until you have put on my shoes.
Don't say a ******* thing.

I wish you would just leave!
You crowd all the space I have to think,
And speak!

You ***** me up in school,
I always am acting a fool,
because I can't seem to forget you.

Why can't you just go?
You seemed to move on,
So why can't I do so?

Love hurts, I know.
Don't even tell me--
You wouldn't even think so.

This is so unreal.
I thought you could never steal from me,
But somehow you took my heart.

It's not that I didn't play my part.
You just never showed any interest,
In loving me.