i am the vessel that carries my grief;
you come in waves;

you are a familiar scent that comes from nowhere but lingers for just a moment;
you are a slight, cool breeze that grazes my forehead when i’m warm and cozy in bed;

14 years later, i fear that i’ll lose the sound of your voice (i haven’t);
i fear that i’ll lose the sight of your luminous smile (i haven’t);
i feel you.

though your footprints cease to exist on this earthly realm, you transcend time and space;
if i had known that the last time i hugged you would be the last time, i would’ve held on a little tighter.
if only, if only, if only.

i am persephone in red;
i cannot be touched;
i cannot be reached;
i am the cold that settles in to your bones;
i am the earth that you so brazenly walk upon;
i am an incandescent body of light in the night sky;
i am dauntless;
you will never see me coming.

pitch me straight into the darkness;

when you’re in the darkness, nothing exists;
not a pain so deep that it will literally take your breath away and you collapse on all fours because you ***** and can no longer stand;
not a pain so harsh that it feels like tiny little needles are stabbing and pulling every inch of your soul out of your body, inch by every ******* inch;

then, the heat:
there is not a place on or in your entire being that is not reverberating with heat;
you know that kind of heat, remember?
it’s when something terribly horrific happens and these non-flames (for surely i’m burning up on the inside to be this hot) slowly begins from your feet, to your neck — where you begin to sweat — and then the realization and truth hits you right in the face;

being in the darkness means my pain no longer exists.

so when the time comes, do not save me. there is no saving when the mind and body gives itself to the darkness willingly.

i rage and rage so much within my body that i surely must combust;
however, this is my war and i must decide how it ends.

i think, it ends like this:
my eyes closed;
storms, ecstasy;
the cusp of autumn as summer withers;
my eyes open;
and i forget for a moment;

i want to live in this strange afterglow even as the darkness descends and extinguishes my light;
but i will continue raging and fighting even as i ignite.