i have forgotten a time
when i did NOT procrastinate,
it has become infused into every cell of my body

Me: i realized the answers will only give me information,
but not bring colton back
so in the big picture,
it would be helpful
but it wouldn't change anything
but i do believe the scales of justice
must be balanced
not just for society
but for those responsible
in an effort to cleanse their souls

.... i have forgiven,
but i'm only human
and just a mom...


Friend: So do you think he is gone?
Or could he still be out there somewhere?
Either way
I hope we find Colton
bring him home to you
so you can feel complete
with knowing
he is with you

You're very strong.


Me: i am 99.999% sure that he no longer walks the earth in physical form...
for many years i was in denial holding on to even the tiniest crumb of hope,
which may have kept me from losing my mind
or taking my life perhaps...


some days strong is just getting out of bed
and making your other child dinner
because you made yourself a vow
that you would allow yourself to grieve
in what ever form it took
for as long as it took
as long as you
at the very least
made colton's lil brother dinner ea day....

look, here it is 3:23 am
and i have been tossing and turning
for several hours with too much on my mind
and i finally relent to the fact
that sleep is not going to come easily for me,
so I can come down stairs
and get on the computer
and look at posts from others to distract me
until that first mighty yawn arrives.
Gawd, i hope it happens before the alarm clock goes off

will you marry me

get rings that say Semper Amemus engraved on them?

Latin for Our Love is Forever.

get hitched at that out door church they have at Wilson Lake....

i thought of that as i was passing the beautiful water, thought it was prettier than any church and then...bingo....i am a genius lol

but any ways.....
this should all be your idea

so if u do decide u do want to, surprise me

...reminds me of the days of hurry up and wait and
tis not always a good thing either
oh i am perfectly aware that i think too much
i spend 27 minutes in the shower pondering the meaning of life and
3 minutes wash rinse and
repeating...
the next right thing would be FLUSH
I walked into my 1st mtg, looked around and
said " Oh f%#k! I'm home."
the fact that you think that there is nothing special about you is what makes you extremely special which is rather refreshing in a world full of braggarts!
ok to the point---
this was a week after I had turned 43 and
at that time I did not know that jail wardens could lie and
I was told "you are going to end up with 43 years in prison by the time you get convicted of all the charges" and
I'm not too whoopy at math but it didn't take long for me to add 43 + 43 and
I knew "ain't no way that I'm going to want to be in prison until I'm 86 years old!" so it made perfect sense at the time...
no, this has a happy ending, I'm here to post on the internet!
my mom had passed a yr and
a half before and
now I was in jail with a plastic trash bag over my head and
was seconds away from death when I heard a voice as audible said "Knock it off, Lainder-Belle!" and
it scared me so bad I untied the jail pants that were over the bag and
gasped for air and
cried cuz I knew I was going to have to live...

i moved my son from wichita
to lucas to protect him
and keep him safe from violence
and i took tai chi
and yoga classes from the murderer's mom
in order to have more serenity in my life
and i was scared for years that my son ran away
because he hated me, now i am sad that
my son hadn't ran away because he hated me

i was at the my mom and
dad's gravesite
trying to do some soul searching and
really and
deeply missing them and
i will never get used to being an orphan and
life has been so difficult since they left me and
i took for granted how much love support and
an ever ready hand to move heaven and
earth to help me and
i didnt even appreciate it much less utter very many thank you's and
i would give almost anything, the rest of my life to have had just one more time of sitting at the kitchen table and
i would actually this time drink her nasty Folger's instant coffee and
when she died she left a jar of it and
although it only contains a hard inch layered congealed ball it is so comforting to open the cabinet and
see it still up there and
you want to try to judge me when instead i was sitting there on the ledge of their headstone watching the beautiful and
powerful electrical dry lightning and
feeling the wind hit my face and
i cried out to a god that i no longer even believe in to please have my mom cont to keep looking after her grandson the one she never admitted to, but over time it just became apparent of that she was most partial to Colton, the one that she had the special soup and
salad dates on special occasions and
i find myself agonizing about how whether my son is here on earth in the physical form or his physical blood skin organs and
bones have decayed into apparent nothingness but either way i want to feel that my mommy is looking out for him and
that i can have answers and
can at the worst case scenario be granted just a tiny piece of real estate to go and
release my grief and
have 1 place where i can finally have just a piece of peace and
know that he is with his grandparents and
i can visit and
memorialize him in the usual manner rather than having moments that can last for months of something that is truly a most insidious form of torture that i can't even grasp words to express and
i have been so blessed to be able to have you want to play martyr with that last comment?

Bury me with a pen in my hand and a spiral notebook if you can
So I can continue to scribble my words of kibble
Of a lifetime in line tasting all of life's nibbles
You can't cut in line when it's not your time to go
But the best desserts are served last, this much I know
Until that time when I say my final goodbye
I write in awe of a life that makes me laugh as I cry
So special this life it must be immortalized
Or risk memories fading as dreams never realized
But after I die with a pen in tight rigor mortis grip
Throw in some paper for my next upcoming trip
Boldly or timidly, I'll ask my God to decide
Whether I enjoyed this gourmet banquet that He did provide
(and did I get my fill before I died?!)
Because I'm the one that writes my own menu
With every bite of life that I do chew
The price I pay for all of these nibbles
Are purchased by all of my handwritten scribbles

first musical memory
playing Mary Poppins
over and over on my portable suitcase
phonograph  
not convinced that
a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

went over to my friends house
to play Barbies
heard B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets
on her record player
began my life long
love of rock music

grew up attending a Southern Baptist church
if my faith continues to evolve in and out of specific creeds and dogmatic beliefs
right arm will never fail to involuntarily rise
towards the Heavens
whenever i hear
How Great Thou Art being sung

parents were in their late 30's
by the time i was born
was exposed to big band music
show tunes
mom's favorite
French operatic singer Edith Piaf

Riverview Elementary
in music class
taught how to do The Hustle and The Bus Stop
to disco records
got to bring in
on Fridays

love of guys with
long hair
blame
on the big hair
bands
the 80's

the 90's
such a kinship to the dark depressing sounds of grunge
believed  Scott Weiland
Kurt Cobain and
Jerry Cantrell
plagiarized my thoughts

mad or need to clean
my house
the 2 often go
hand in hand
heavy/nu metal blaring
at maximum volume

Currently
am at a crossroads
need of direction
helps me to undergo the deep soul searching
inecessary
major life changes are required

give myself vehicular therapy,
driving around Wilson Lake
symphonic classical sounds from the radio
surprisingly
maybe not
blaring

maximum
volume
brainstorming
my options
to the
music

overheard
ppl say  
they wished that
their life
came with
a soundtrack

Mine does.

hellraiser headbanger
time to party with the stranger
on the borderline of danger
troubled times all so fine
corruption is on my mind

been a juvenile delinquent all my life
but i'm still here so i'm doing something right
mama knows she can't handle me
so now she just leaves me be

let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load
let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load

take me down to the town
and we'll see just who's around
we will see what's to be seen
you're not as young as you are green
the high class can stick it up their ***
cuz the life for me is always fast
i don't care what they say
i'm gonna do it my own way

let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load
let go and explode
if you can't handle it don't carry the load

this mutant don't live the norms
i've had my bad habits since i was born
live the style of deviation
authority just tries my patience
songwriter streetfighter
the hangman pulls the knot a little tighter
but only if they can catch me
for tonight i am free