vision blurred.
speech slurred.
"sometimes theres so much beauty in the world.. ****, i can't take it"
i always hope to learn form watching movies.
between sips of tito's *****
and studying.
i struggle to see what i really want.
to sway and mumble my life away
or to seek out "american beauty"

some things are out of my hands.
i can speak out.
i can yell.
i have a voice that can be heard.
but I'm not gonna lose it screaming for things i can't change.

when i crawl into the bottle i become numb.
weightless.
i feel nothing. i fake a smile and laugh.
i feel alive when i don't feel anything.
clenching my teeth
shaking my head
slapping my cheeks
i feel nothing.
a wave of happiness hits me.
when i crawl into bed and sober up.
i feel what i tried to erase.
the wave hits me again.
only this time its reality and clarity.
i just want to chase what makes me happy.
even if it drowns me.

leave.
i want you to stay
you're fading away
"you're just like everyone else"
I'm glad you're gone.
leave.
i want you to stay.

deep water scares me.
i had a dream i was alone in a glass box deep under water
i yelled until the reverb split my ear drums
i saw giant sea creatures swimming by in the deep greenish black water
why was i there?
i don't know what scared me more?
the fact that i was in deep water by myself.
or that i was completely alone.