Grief unexpectedly caught up with you during your morning commute. The city sounds seemed to fade as the weight of the words settled in, a poignant reminder of a long-lost naivety. You hadn't even realized you were holding onto that pain, burying it beneath the routine of your day. But grief, like a shadow, has a way of finding you when you least expect it, forcing you to confront the unfinished chapters of your own story. Maybe this unexpected wave of sadness was a sign it was time to revisit the past, not to dwell, but to finally understand and let go.

Jakarta, though once I longed to flee,
Her bustling streets, now part of me.
No longer yearning for escape's embrace,
I've found my place, in this vibrant space.

The schoolgirl's grown, with dreams that soared so high,
Now in a tower, near Monas, in the sky.
Her childhood wishes, finally taking flight,
A life she built, with her own beaming light.

The mother's wave, a memory so clear,
Now echoes softly, as I persevere.
The husband's kiss, a love that fades afar,
A sweet reminder, that love is everywhere.

The workers' pause, a lesson learned so well,
To find the grace, in life's relentless swell.
Jakarta's rhythm, a pulse within my soul,
In this city's heart, I've found my destined role.

Alone I stand, in my apartment's gleam,
But never lonely, in this waking dream.
Jakarta's embrace, a comfort I now claim,
No need to wander, for here I've found my name.

Jakarta's dawn, a blessing I did find,
In every corner, peace for heart and mind.
A schoolgirl slumbered, on the bus so early,
A husband's kiss, a love so sweet and pearly.

Beneath the sun, a fiery, midday glare,
Love bloomed anew, in Jakarta's air.
A mother waited, at the schoolyard gate,
A child's kind heart, sealed a friend's sweet fate.

As evening fell, and brakes began to squeal,
Comfort I found, in Jakarta's gentle reel.
Road workers paused, hats removed with grace,
A simple meal, in this bustling space.

Hope filled the air, with each setting sun,
A new tomorrow, for everyone.
I gazed beyond, my own bell jar's gleam,
Longing to flee, to escape this scene.

Love me foolish, love me flawed,
Though my heart is deeply scarred.
When I'm a storm, untamed and raw,
Love me, even when we're far.

When I'm choked by swallowed pride,
My best heart, a wounded thing,
A hunger deep, I cannot hide,
A stubborn hope, refusing to spring.

In sterile halls, where shadows creep and hide,
He'd paint a smile, deep inside my soul reside.
Bubur Manado, a joy we'd share,
Bakwan jagung, echoing laughter in the air.

A whisper shared, a fragile talk,
In hospital rooms, sacred ground.
A fleeting moment, a wish untold,
In another life, our story bold.

In between the beeps and the IV's steady flow,
He'd weave a tale, a gentle, soothing show.
A comic relief, a moment of grace,
A flicker of joy, in that somber space.

But time, a cruel thief, stole our precious hours,
Leaving behind echoes, and faded flowers.
In another life, where time stands still,
We'd laugh love, our hearts fulfilled.

at 28, Bunda had me. Today, I'm turning 28, the same age Bunda gave birth to her first child. And....what am I doing with my life right now? Am I wasting all the potential? Did I dodge the bullet or just lose the love of my life (and probably will never get the chance to experience pure love anymore?) Did the best is yet to come?

As 28 slowly approached, I got the chance to look back and reflect on those particular moments.

At 21, I traveled to NYC and DC to represent Indonesia youths. Graduated at 23, landed two jobs for the next 5 years in the government sector. Navigate my clueless self on how this nation operated. Get the chance to explore all of the Indonesia regions, the wide blue skies, from cities to rural to forests to oceans and mountains. Get to participate first-hand in several policy-making processes. Throw some successful projects. Get to meet new and kind-hearted souls along the way. Learn and re-learn everything all at once. Maintaining friendships for almost 10-20 years, where sometimes they had to witness my anti-social phase (but they understood anyway). Found some new experiences and hobbies that (turns out) I love dearly, with some tiny bruises.

The former boyfriends and their declined proposals, because I have different dreams and they didn't want one of my dreams. A declined scholarship interview because of a break-up a week before. Rented an apartment at 25 for 3 years, and got to know myself more. Got to forgive my parents while being away from home, because they did the best they could on the best choices faith had offered. 3 failed relationships wrecked my trust in love and full of self-sabotage. Then came that one relationship that felt so safe and peaceful, the kind of love that I needed, but we couldn't go further.

All of those episodes of letting go, have a pause and begin again. With the twist of comedies and romances here and there.

There are things that I don't understand for sure, and those "what ifs" and questions are not meant to be answered right now. Possibly in the near future, or probably it would be a mystery my whole life.

I won't mind. And I am ready. Courage, dear heart.

“The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love”

Stumbled upon this beautiful yet reflective quotation that perfectly describes the year 2022. It's been thrilling, fascinating, full of raw emotions, touching, and also the most contemplative year of my life (so far). A series of adapting, continuing, breaking, risking, learning, gaining, discovering, growing, and loving. A chain of gold of taking chances and being brave. Sometimes a stream of acid rain leaked on the apartment floor and solemn prayers between walls. And then uncovering tiny sparks of courage while my hands are being held, all throughout the great wars.

All I know it was love, all along. Even in a tiny gesture of kindness. In every separation, in every desperate attempt at lowering the ego. In knowing one's limitations. In every wide blue sky and tender sunray. In every foreign land's rain that touched my skin. In every delicate smile. In infectious laughter, it made the tummy and jaw hurt. In learning curve. In every warm bed made. In reconnecting a bridge, both sides. In every clueless, dumb clown's moment. In a song sung every ride home. In a 5-course home meal I've missed. In a moment of silence or big celebrations. In discovering intention. In every swing on the playground. In every game night. In every bill paid. In accepting the menu handed by life. In capturing every moment and tasting it. In spontaneous remarks. In searching patterns. In drawing sharp lines of boundaries. In every coda. In all the enchanting sunrises that remind me that it is okay to start again.

2022 has been lovely yet tough. I hope in any other universe, my other self has a high self-resilience to which whatever comes her way, she would never lose herself in the process. I hope she would never lose her curious mind and patience, knowing that life sometimes brings her unresolved puzzle with one or two pieces that got away for a while, until it is time to be found. She would eventually find the reason why it was meant to be lost.

This big chunk of the puzzle is what I remind myself of in 2022. I will forever hold on to these fleeting moments, until next time.