at 28, Bunda had me. Today, I'm turning 28, the same age Bunda gave birth to her first child. And....what am I doing with my life right now? Am I wasting all the potential? Did I dodge the bullet or just lose the love of my life (and probably will never get the chance to experience pure love anymore?) Did the best is yet to come?

As 28 slowly approached, I got the chance to look back and reflect on those particular moments.

At 21, I traveled to NYC and DC to represent Indonesia youths. Graduated at 23, landed two jobs for the next 5 years in the government sector. Navigate my clueless self on how this nation operated. Get the chance to explore all of the Indonesia regions, the wide blue skies, from cities to rural to forests to oceans and mountains. Get to participate first-hand in several policy-making processes. Throw some successful projects. Get to meet new and kind-hearted souls along the way. Learn and re-learn everything all at once. Maintaining friendships for almost 10-20 years, where sometimes they had to witness my anti-social phase (but they understood anyway). Found some new experiences and hobbies that (turns out) I love dearly, with some tiny bruises.

The former boyfriends and their declined proposals, because I have different dreams and they didn't want one of my dreams. A declined scholarship interview because of a break-up a week before. Rented an apartment at 25 for 3 years, and got to know myself more. Got to forgive my parents while being away from home, because they did the best they could on the best choices faith had offered. 3 failed relationships wrecked my trust in love and full of self-sabotage. Then came that one relationship that felt so safe and peaceful, the kind of love that I needed, but we couldn't go further.

All of those episodes of letting go, have a pause and begin again. With the twist of comedies and romances here and there.

There are things that I don't understand for sure, and those "what ifs" and questions are not meant to be answered right now. Possibly in the near future, or probably it would be a mystery my whole life.

I won't mind. And I am ready. Courage, dear heart.

“The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love”

Stumbled upon this beautiful yet reflective quotation that perfectly describes the year 2022. It's been thrilling, fascinating, full of raw emotions, touching, and also the most contemplative year of my life (so far). A series of adapting, continuing, breaking, risking, learning, gaining, discovering, growing, and loving. A chain of gold of taking chances and being brave. Sometimes a stream of acid rain leaked on the apartment floor and solemn prayers between walls. And then uncovering tiny sparks of courage while my hands are being held, all throughout the great wars.

All I know it was love, all along. Even in a tiny gesture of kindness. In every separation, in every desperate attempt at lowering the ego. In knowing one's limitations. In every wide blue sky and tender sunray. In every foreign land's rain that touched my skin. In every delicate smile. In infectious laughter, it made the tummy and jaw hurt. In learning curve. In every warm bed made. In reconnecting a bridge, both sides. In every clueless, dumb clown's moment. In a song sung every ride home. In a 5-course home meal I've missed. In a moment of silence or big celebrations. In discovering intention. In every swing on the playground. In every game night. In every bill paid. In accepting the menu handed by life. In capturing every moment and tasting it. In spontaneous remarks. In searching patterns. In drawing sharp lines of boundaries. In every coda. In all the enchanting sunrises that remind me that it is okay to start again.

2022 has been lovely yet tough. I hope in any other universe, my other self has a high self-resilience to which whatever comes her way, she would never lose herself in the process. I hope she would never lose her curious mind and patience, knowing that life sometimes brings her unresolved puzzle with one or two pieces that got away for a while, until it is time to be found. She would eventually find the reason why it was meant to be lost.

This big chunk of the puzzle is what I remind myself of in 2022. I will forever hold on to these fleeting moments, until next time.

This is not a poem.

But this morning, when my psychologist asked me, "what do you see yourself in upcoming years, with a family of your own? what is a family to you?"

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I see myself ...
...with the love of my life, coming home from the hospital after giving birth to our healthy and happy eldest. Flash forward.
...witnessing the love of my life teaching our children to ride a bike. A joy squealing comes from theirs. Flash forward.
...recording their first big moments: first walk, first word, first book. Flash forward.
...holding our eldest on the first day of school. She/he'd be scared but they know that I'll pick them up after school for an ice cream session. Flash forward.
...having dinner in the warm dining room with the love of my life, and our 2 children. We had just come home from a long tiring day, and the four of us were telling each other about our day. After our children passed out, we both drank red wine and slowly danced a little more. Flash forward.
...doing our Sunday family tradition: it would be eating out for lunch, inviting our extended family for a dine-in, or going to a bookstore. Or simply a lazy Sunday morning when we snuggled in bed.
...sitting with them when they have their first heartbreak. Ears were open, and arms were hugged. Not judgment. Flash forward.
...
...
...
pictures come in flashes until I see myself snuggled in an armchair with the love of my life with grey hair, passing hot chocolates to my grandkids. Watching the sunrise with my kids and their spouses and their beautiful healthy children.

I want to witness every big and small moment of my loved ones, to be part of their growth, to be present, and also sit in silence with them, to be their safe haven when things go wrong and heavy. I want to celebrate every victory, big or small, or even baby steps. So I guess a family to me is a safe space to grow, to rest my bones, to be for one another, to create this tiny little tradition that my children will carry on their sleeves until they grow up. I want to witness their growth and dreams in every aspect, whether it would make them black and blue, but they know exactly they have their parents by heart. To provide them with warm embraces and warm foods they would miss when they're longing for home. I want my children to know that they are not difficult to love when this world gets hard.

I guess so far, that's a family to me.

i long to spend the rest of my sunrises with you,
wrap in a blanket with our hands tangled.
my cheeks are red and warm,
while you held your coffee that I made earlier.

i long to walk for the rest of my life with you,
until our feet hurt from walking too much.
for the love of discovering the uncharted oceans,
and exploring the city we both loathe yet love.

i long to fight with you in the meanest way,
to the desperation tears until the hug you give.
the heat is there,
but we know we won't leave each other's back.

i long to crawl beside you after a hell of a day,
to listen for your stories has always been one of my salvation.
....and in that tender of a surreal night,
i long to calm the monsters' clawing inside you.

there was a time when you hold me tight,
i healed your hint of the essence.

there was a time my head was drought with the thought of you,
intoxicatingly, i couldn't remember my name.

there was a time
we tangoed this cursed dark labyrinth with its tight rope,
but baby we lost our balance.

there was a time when i fought my own demon just for you,
but it is never enough.

there was a time when our battlefield rhymed with tears and blood,
until you left me wounded.

there was a time when i used to be your single-floor home,
until you traded me with a bigger, pretty house on the market.

there was a time when we were both madly in love,
until one of us lost our mind.

there was a time when you lit me like your first cigarette,
lingeringly and without hesitation, you dropped me to the ground.

and there will be a time you are going to miss our darling life,
but in the flicker of time, i will be happier on my own.
Because baby, i am the best muse you could ever have.

Like the calm ocean,
you came in peace.
I never expected you to be here,
never rush.
It just came naturally.
I could cross you perfectly,
but I don't ever want to swim against your tide.
You are your own kind of beautiful,
with your glistening grace of my fave color.
I want to be around you,
your warm sensation against my pale skin.

I was an iceberg.
Cold, acting so tough.
But deep down you knew that I was vulnerable,
something everyone can not see.
The scorching flare is always there,
but in the end, I melt into your embrace.
Whenever the storm comes,
I always knew we have each other.