Whispers are not my name and sidelong glances don't mean "I adore you"
Footfalls outside my door leave me gasping, wondering if this time the ticking of the clock is you knocking
Foolish is the lover but more so foolish still the dreamer
Because if I at least had your hands on my body I could feel something

I will drink the water colors dripping from your lips
And let the saturation flow across my tongue as I sigh and grin in bliss
Even though I know better I can't help but feel satisfaction at our touch
This throat of mine is yours to paint with the water from your brush
You need not take but just a minute to fill me with your color
And I shall stay down on my knees while we're drenched in one another
For it is not enough for just my eyes to witness you in full
But rather I must take the pigments onto me that from your mouth do fall

May your laughter forever set my heart ablaze

I hope that heaven strikes me dead before I get the chance to challenge
The concept of eternity since Death isn’t quite so valiant
I’ve tried to place myself in their arms but they still refuse to take me
So instead I’ll stay until the day that the world ends in entirety

It was with tired eyes I thought I knew myself finally as a person
When I was staring off into darkness with only my breathing for company did I think I was alive
The restless way I tossed and turned reminded me of all those nights I’ve spent alone
Only to realize that being alone doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped living

My mother would often tell me, “don’t let a moment ruin any more moments. That is time wasted you will never get back so why waste it.”
So with that and sidelined pride I learned apologies are more believable if you smile and that people are easily tricked by false confidence
Moments spent to buy moments better lived I suppose, maybe I was only chasing a concept
A metaphor mistakenly taken seriously but who will ever know for my moments won’t be divvied out to the explanation for more than these few breaths
So may similes often feel like physicalities and moments be no more than moments
Since why would you want to let the past hold onto the future for more than you allow ?

Well lookie that
If it isn’t my good ol’ pal
     Existential Crisis
Back again
How kind

I give to you my heart to break
And leave my suffering in your wake
For I would do it a hundred times
As long as I can look into your eyes
For I love you dearly in all the right ways
And you love me more and to me you say
You’ll stay forever and love me true
As long as I keep on loving you
But if the love for me does die
Just come and look me in the eye
That way I can tell you just once again
Come back to me even though your love is spent

Everybody loves change
As long as nothing changes

I fell in love with a man
That I no longer know today
The eyes of which are looking back
But to who I cannot say
I’ll still tell you that I love you
And you’ll say it back like always
But to the man of whom I speak
His replacement leaves me longing

Nor I, a simple human being, shall dare perceive what others do so claim to know
For if heaven and hell do to exist then it is a place in hell that I hold for sure
So peaceful bliss is what I desire and as then my god complex therefore can be ignored
For if heaven and hell do not exist then my complex will be no more

There is nothing to describe the utter resignation you feel when you finally come to the gut wrenching realization that your love for another is dying
When it gets more and more difficult to be around them yet being apart is even worse
I never thought it was possible
Not for me, I was different
We were different
We were supposed to be different
Why don’t I love you anymore ?
I thought I loved you so much
I loved you so much
I was supposed to love you so much
Where… when… how did it go wrong ?

Because I just want to be alone but I can’t stand the silence by myself
And I’m screaming at the top of my lungs but I can’t seem to open up my mouth
And this fear and ache inside my chest is caused only by my own issues
So why the hell am I still here when all I do is miss you

I loved you when the time was right and it makes it so much harder
To admit to not just my doubts inside that this love will **** each other

She always gets herself ready with her back turned toward the mirror
That way as she’s getting dressed she doesn’t have to see it any clearer
Her reflection staring back at her screaming “you’ll never be enough”
“And that all those who call you pretty only do it to say some useless fluff”
“So no thank you” is what she whispers at 3 am in just her body
A reply to the demons in the shadows that tell her that no one could truly love thee
And she’ll nod her head for all the compliments and give a laugh with every smile
But when she’s all alone they’re merely insults to defile

I can feel my organs failing as I stare up at the trees
I’ll decompose amongst the wood as I bury myself in leaves
And I always made a promise that I’d get away from my home town
But I’ve gone into hibernation so I don’t think that’ll happen now
Because I’m too many lived years restless and just counting down the minutes
‘Til I smear the mud across my eyes and join the earth bound insects
So don’t wake me unless the moon is full and the crows fly north once more
For I shall cast aside my humanity as I sleep upon the forest floor

I welcome the rain with arms open wide
With my face turned upwards towards the sky
And as the drops fall upon my cheeks
I can finally let myself cry for the first time in weeks
Because as the water mingles with the salt on my skin
I can pretend that I’m not weeping from the melancholy within
I will smile with the thunder and add my choked laughter to the wind
Reach my hands up towards the lightning to tempt death whom is my friend
Because with this raging storm around I can claim that it’s not me
But the leaking clouds up high above that cause the teardrops that you see

A bullet fired from your smoking gun
A mouth full of soap and now you’re done
Fowl words leak from your lips
And my mind is spinning like an acid trip

Never before in my life have I wanted love so badly
To have such emotions is to be weak but I can’t help now losing my bit of sanity
The sight of you is enough to leave me breathless and elated
And the thought of your lips upon my own causes my pupils to be dilated

Pink lemonade dripping from my lips
Sweet sugary candy quips
Twisted words and tangy smiles
To convince you that it’s all worthwhile
Take a sip and you’ll be caught
By this sweet and sour lemon drop

Infinities are a concept best left to the maths
Youth has an expiration date and existence means there’s death
How can one even truly claim to comprehend the idea of such eternity
When language holds the words of demise and inevitable fatality
Existence was never requested yet here we still stand to this day
But nothing lasts forever which is proven when we pass away

You always call me buttercup and never by my name
And that your end goal is to have my heart even though I’m convinced it’s just a game
But if you call me buttercup I don’t think I can hold back any longer
Because you see, dear handsome, just like the name you call I want to be your pretty flower

I see the frozen flowers with stems cut long as they lay upon the icy ground
And wonder to self what could this mean to see the petals scattered round
For ‘tis still Winter that nips the air and the chill that draws the silence
But the budding rose upon the snow creates a contrast stark and violent

If I hide myself all in my phone I can pretend that no ones even home and that you won’t have a chance at ever finding me
‘Cause if I lash out against my own skin as the panic excruciatingly starts sinking in I’ll be forced to stare this monster in the face
So instead I’ll punch the looking glass and never dare to once look back for to flinch when I’m in pain is to be weak
I’ll tie a noose from the strings on this guitar and hang the straight end from the stars so when I jump I’ll be illuminated by the moon
Don’t ask questions when you can’t speak it’s better not knowing anything so just pay the bill when the coroner comes for cash
My rings are yours and that guitar too though it may not play the same for you seeing as a crucial component is missing from the frets
And as my heart beats on in vain yet my sanity is but down the drain you may rest assured I gave it all I had up ‘til the end
I’m just sorry you have to dawn all black again

You are born into this life given no choice but to live it
Until you reach that certain age where death is always present
No one warns you that existence is but survival of the fittest
I guess that Darwin knew what he was saying when he predicted that the weak don’t seem to make it
Youth in this society are bombarded from all directions
But how can we account for that when we’re told we shouldn’t be defenseless
“You have nothing to ever worry about”, “you’re being dramatic and hysteric”
Well thanks that really solves the issue that we don’t want to end up like our parents
So its a cycle with an end and we can always see it coming
Our humanity is directly connected to knowing the inevitability of dying
So we’ll pay our bills and work til late to pay off the student debt we never wanted
And let the records show that it’s normal for our bodies to not be lived in but merely haunted

There’s nothing like that time
You spent growing up too fast
Those frozen popsicles of lime
That just never seemed to last
From running to the fridge
To tripping in the dirt
There’s nothing more I miss
Then being a kid with a green stained shirt

You know I will never believe you
          “Then I’ll just make you believe me”
I will only be able to hate you when you break my heart
          “Well, I’ll just have to make sure I never do”
But you will, so until then
You better make getting hurt worthwhile

I never wanted you to save me !
I was far beyond salvation before you were even a concept within my existence
No
I merely longed for someone to love me without me having to dread an inevitable doom
For them to graze their fingers across the most decimated fragments of my being without flinching

Turn off the lights
This way it shall not matter
Whether you decide to close your eyes
Or keep them open
Let the dark disassemble your sanity
As your pupils dilate to let in this vague abyss
Do you find comfort in the embrace of nothingness
Or does it leave you gasping for air
As your claustrophobia wails for the comfort of another
Does the pressure of this unknown
Cause you distress
Or can you be content with the knowledge
That you may not be alone
When you turn off the lights
You hand over all the responsibilities
You possessed in the harsh fluorescent of day
When you turn off the lights
No longer must you debate with your eyelids
To convince them that they must flutter
When you turn off the lights
The color of your eyes takes on no hue
And results in a concept that no longer matters
For when you turn off the lights
How certain can you be
Without the confirmation of responding illumination
That you truly blink at all

I can feel you trace the curvature of my spine with your eyes
Your pupils burn scorching holes into my ******* and my thighs
I can sense your desire on your breath and in your sighs
As long as you’re just watching and not touching then I guess that it’s fine
Though at night in the dark I’ll hold tightly my keys
Just in case it’s you in the bushes not just the rustle of leaves
Even though you’ve done nothing that only offers you reprieve
For in the world of the animals the predators hunt to eat

As the eldest daughter, I will have you know
That when we stare at you with a blank face it’s so that we don’t overflow
We take a long deep breath and a moment to smooth out our expressions
So that on our younger siblings, we don’t leave any bad impressions
It’s common place to conceal these emotions that emerge from our darker side
We tell ourselves we’re not hurt just angry and in a moment we’ll be fine
It’s not like we were taught that to feel is to be weak
Or that no one really cares to listen when any of us speaks
The only thing that seems to matter is sitting pretty with a smile
But being the eldest daughter tends to leave you brain dead after a little while

I am from swimming pools as chlorine stings your eyes
But just trust in your lungs and to the bottom you’ll dive
I am from Converse and Levi’s with the knees worn right through
Sneakers laced tight and jeans patched up too
The staircases and tile paint a portrait of home
Dark wood, ancient trees, a foundation of bone
Wood violets and dropping willow hold my sighs in their leaves
Beware of the hemlock for needles hold a poison if consumed then is deadly
Crushed chrysanthemums for my eyes and a daisy chain as a crown
I am from the far rolling hills and the thrill of tumbling down
Here is where my family has planted their roots
We bring blood from across the oceans but west coast salt coats our boots

Oí! we exclaim but myself most of all
Jump and I’ll catch you, we don’t let each other fall
I am from quotes written about strength and notes scrawled on margins
Shooting star wishes and law enforcement jargon
A streak of blue in my veins to represent those they’ve protected
From canines and motorcycles so different yet connected
Though my future looks different, I was taught to take charge
Be a leader, not a sheep, stand up tall and go far

I am from butterflies and book spines and words scattered like dust
For within there’s a snake charmer but not a snake there is just
A pen filled with ink to spill letters like wine
But few know the melodies these hands craft in the hopes of creating the sublime
Don’t be fooled though so quickly for just as pen triumphs over sword
Slanted penmanship does not mean I lack ability to pluck out a fine chord
Ivory keys beneath fingertips and metallic strings pressed down taunt
Let out rich, vibrant crescendos just as I was taught
As the crescendo increases so to does my voice
Speak up, do what’s right, make Mum and Dad proud with your choice

I am from leaps of faith though I believe in no god up above
A bird is just a bird not an angel sent dove
Scientific hypothesis hold their positions in mind
X cubed, coefficients, and a cotangent graphed line
Rationality and facts, think with your head not your heart
Sarcasm, however, with every sentence I’ll start

You’ve asked where I’ve come from and I’ve done what’s my best
To show to you what I’m from is not simple but quite a large mess
From the sun in my hair to the flowers on the ground
I am from everlasting yet shifting, from silence with sound

I plant my heart
In a tiny terracotta ***
So that I know I can always find home
For the chips in the paint
And where the water drips out
Can always tell me where I must go

If you were to pry apart my rib cage you’d find I have vines rather than milk white bones
In place of my lungs two hyacinth have sprung and my kidneys are now instead cloves
Everywhere else is just a hollowed out shelf for I no longer need my head for my brain
‘Cause my eyes are chrysanthemums and for my lips tulips hum as my ears are replaced by daisies plain
And as these wildflowers bloom down under the moon they represent my faint floral existence
For as a flower field girl with too many cares in this world the death of my roots can end my persistence

“What do you want me to say!?”
I know not what verbal intonations I must gasp for my most urgent thoughts to be portrayed
In a manner of which will ease upon your conscious
My utter mass confusion for why you see my actions as a direct act of defiance
I merely yearn for the slightest inkling of a possibility
To cultivate my unique sense of blossoming identity outside of this stifling cardboard box we identify as our “hometown tranquility”
For it is so agonizingly obvious that we lack the ability to share our vastly contrasting mindsets  
As my aspirations guide me into uncharted territory and the impending uncertainty was never your intent

Cobbled streets
And flashing lights
The splashing rain
Illuminates my nights
A labyrinth of buildings
Standing row by row
Secrets in dark alleys
That only a few do know

***** breath and drugged up minds
Teens are dying get with the times
Take a drag and fill your lungs
A chemical euphoria now feelings are numb
Sure you’re cool if you’re drunk on the buzz
Tip back the peer pressure and pop some drugs
Puking in toilets and cheering on risk
A coming of age you don’t want to miss
Our lives are at stake but none of us care
What fun is safety when the thrill’s always there?
Our parents, they warn us but none of us listen
What good does it do us when the glow of youth beckons
Temptation is lovely and disobedience delightful
***** watching the news and being insightful
Our youth is short lived so why not ruin it while we can
This kingdom is ours and we can be Peter Pan
Lost boys and girls looking for the next big thing
While Death stands by and his scythe he does swing
Some of us won’t make it to the age of adults
But none of that matters when you’re high off the salts
We shall tempt Death and see if he answers
But for now we will party like nothing else matters

It doesn’t take much for me to lose interest
In anyone
Really all it takes is for doubt to creep in
Claw its way in between self loathing and overused sarcasm
Wave it’s grotesque fingers in a foreboding salute of
“Hey, don’t worry. You’ll begin to get bored of that soon”
I was graced with an attention span lasting milliseconds
It’s a repeat cycle of:
Hi
How are you?
I think I like you
Oops never mind
I’ll never talk to you again
Good night
End of conversation
Now this may not sound like doubt
But just go out on a limb and trust me for a moment
I know just how ironic that sounds
For I was raised with trust issues
Who would I wake up to in the mornings when I wasn’t in the safety of my one warm household
Those nights I spent in dark ignorance and naivety
Suffocating
I was not naive enough though to not recognize what those white tablets did to you
I could not trust a word out of your mouth unless I saw the subject before my own eyes
Even then
There was always a lingering bitterness of possible foolery
Is that what those things tasted like on your tongue?
Having lived years under this you begin to recognize your own duality
Flash a smile
Set your growl
Take your pick of which you’d like today
I have learned that this leads to false connections
Not through trickery but through self choice
If you don’t form attachments
You don’t get hurt
A divided family equates to a divided person
At least in my experience
I could loath your existence but still convince you that your lame jokes make me laugh
They don’t
Call it what you like
A mean teen lie inventor machine
I don’t care
This ever present wet blanket is enough to damper my curiosity about you
Growing up
I had a habit of reaching out to people
Then suddenly pulling back
Tossing the life raft right in front of you
Only to **** the rope out of reach last second
I’ll smile but beware
My canines are sharp and my doubt taught me how to bite right where it hurts most
That sensitive tender area stacked up amongst secrets, soft spoken truths and inflated ego
Label me cruel
Thank you for your opinion
I never asked
I know just what I am
As I play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with myself in the mirror
Dress up on Sunday to have you on your knees by Monday but I’m gone by Tuesday afternoon
You never saw me
There is no proof
A formulated personality perfectly exfoliated two way sense of morality
Darling I will laugh in your face if you say you know me well
I’m a Barbie doll dream house
Minus the dream and lacking the house
Oh sorry, I meant living nightmare
I’ll bat my eyelashes
Lure you in with sweet nectar ego boosts but in reality you’re only satisfying my craving for attention until my patience runs out
To all the young men
I do apologize for the kind of young woman I am
My mother tired to raise me better but my father did a pretty **** good job of still managing to **** up my morals
If I didn’t feel as if I needed to use you to check off the To Do’s on my list of personal vendettas I wouldn’t
But as I mention just previously
I lack morals
To all the young ladies I call my friends
I just want to tell you that there are times I regret not telling you my late night thoughts
But often times this is overshadowed by the fact that I can’t get passed how vicious middle school girls are
It was during that time I was able to fine tone my sharp claws to tear down my belief in anyone
Between recess bells and lunch tray chatter I learned how to turn my tongue into a weapon
I now know that you don’t tell secrets you don’t want your science room lab partner’s third cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s best friend’s little brother’s estranged aunt to know
Rather skip the gossip go watch a men’s professional soccer game if you need a quick drama fix
I will, however, admit to the quite obvious statement that I am a hypocrite
I speak of avoiding drama when my favorite past time is mining out your secrets
You’ll never know until it’s too late and by then I’m too far gone for you to catch me
Boo, better luck next time
Sike, there won’t be a next time
Once I’m gone I’m gone for good and baby I don’t look back not even once
When there are approaching police sirens of those who claim you’ve done them wrong
You don’t stick around to listen to them surround you
You run
Luckily for me
Along with my ever present doubt and horrible personality I was granted the gift of long legs
Good luck catching me
My distrust will keep me sprinting for far greater distances than your mind could ever comprehend
If you have a complaint get in the line of my own design isn’t it just fine?
There’s no point in slapping my wanted poster on the counter once you’ve reached the front
Who’s to believe a has been friend that knows nothing about this supposed culprit
What did I take that you did not willingly give?
I’m sorry if I am a thief
But I know how much easier it is to take from others than to give up from yourself
My doubt keeps me spiraling forward
And as my reserved cruel self sees it
What use is there in changing now?

You are infatuated with the reflection that stares back at you
Satisfaction with your vanity deprives the mind
You’ve murdered your ability to be humble
Have stifled your sense of righteousness
A gallant attempt in haste
To stall the illusion forming in your thoughts of advancing degradation of outer self
How horrendous it must feel that the ecstasy you so once associated with that reversed image
Has suddenly become a torture to set your gaze upon

Revenge is sweet
That you cannot deny
For in this world
It’s eye for an eye
So with tooth and nail
Gore and guts
We fight to get even
Despite there being a cost

The sun hides itself in the blanket of stars
And Jupiter plays tricks while laughing at Mars
Pluto spins round and Venus she glimmers
Whilst Mercury woos Saturn and her rings as they shimmer
Earth sings a song of sorrows yet to come
And Neptune winks at Uranus to ask for some fun
An asteroid streaks by and shouts a hello
But receives no response from the planets below
Too busy to notice and too distracted to care
Only worried about the galaxy and getting their share
The Milky Way dances a graceful ballet
Twirling and spinning with a perfect plié
To put on a show for the universe to see
This beautiful solar system and all it can be
A super nova explodes and sets off a light
Igniting and sparking a star in the night
All that you see when you glance up above
Is the mass expanse of space that each of us loves

A literary work of art from which my soul you cannot tell apart

Listen with thy ears upon mine chest to the gushing of blood from a **** beneath my breast

As you can see I lack all the words to mutter such utter nonsense but decode my wayward babble to peer upon my conscious

A gift of words I never requested leaves behind a restless beast to ravage whats left of my sanity and ink in my pen as it repeats its ceaseless vengeance once again

By now if you see just what’s here on the page then you are not one whom breaths the title of poet by name

But if not mere letters but an image remains then like me you see creatures rather than words left like stains

I’ll flip through the cds while I hear the record player scratch the vinyl
Baggy mom jeans and a leather jacket to complete my vintage style
I’ll laugh along with TV static but never let you see me smile
And from the backseat of your mini van I’ll add my converse to your junk pile

Bath tub bubbles and an out lit plug
Pass me the toaster and we’ll have some fun
Let’s play catch to see which of us lets it slip
And feel the shock when that toaster takes a dip

Dissatisfaction sits in the pit of my stomach discontented and making its presence known
What is the purpose of being here if my existence only further adds to my confusion?
I can’t seem to hold a firm grasp on any one thing that can keep this overwhelming feeling at bay
For the tides rises and crashes against the shore repeatedly without the barricade of a sea breaker to ease its waves
This skin is not my own and this body belongs to someone else for what other reason could there be to feel as if my conscious is continuously throwing itself at the outline of my flesh?
Misconstrued are my actions that so many, who think they know me fluently, say are “greatly strange for someone of my demeanor and intellect”
**** your preconceived notions whilst I attempt to wrangle my inner poison ivy vines rapidly growing along my nerves
Causing an insatiable itching to wedge itself between my ribs where my fingers cannot reach due to an obvious situation barring such satisfaction called basic physical science  
Rather, the metaphorical relief of aforementioned irksome metaphorical foliage could not be so easily remedied by such a simple solution