"If"  is a very strong word

let me ask myself

What would happen,
If my father hadn't been conned?

Maybe,
We would still have our own beloved house, a place that kept appearing in my dreams no matter where I live, a place my innate-self call home.
Maybe,
We would still live in Malacca, where i had real friends, best friends, regardless of race, regardless of ***, regardless of time.
Maybe,
I would be heavier than ever, take everything for granted, didn't appreciate the little things, become different than my current self?

And what would happen,
If my father was still alive?

Maybe,
My dad would learn about my O-level result, proud with tears, watching me graduate from school, for the whole 11 years he had worked for sending me to.
Maybe,
He would watch me enter university, as he did with my sister, perhaps he would witness both of us with a degree scroll, as he hadn't had a chance himself.
Maybe,
He would watch me have a successful career, and I am able to repay him, for all these years he had raised me.
Maybe,
He would witness me get married, held and play with his own grandchildren, as he had ever wished for.
Maybe,
He could at least marry off my sister, like a father - albeit scared - would want to do.

but what would happen then,
If I can turn back time, knowing what will happen?

Well,
that's not possible, i know.
just a mere "if"
say all the ifs I want,
things won't ever change,
only but the future.
so
i will work for it,
for the better future.

I miss you papa :')

dazzling red lips
partly extensive long hair
by the counter, standing
smiling "hi" to you

not sure what to do
not sure what to say
not sure what to feel
not sure what to want

started with a help
went to a signal
played along for days
numbers gained in return

so let me ask myself
was it love or mere obsession?

confusion confusion
they wrap you with illusion
of two kind souls,
back and forth
like an oscillation.

one from the north,
gives you phantasm
one from the south,
often with enthusiasm

decision decision
stop with the coercion
for two kind souls,
only for one
to make a confession.

The day had finally came
I did what I could
I did it.

There's nothing else to do
Nothing else is worth to do
It's time to move on

Let it become a beautiful dream
A treasured memory
A precious piece of the past.

Time to move on
"smile now"
It ends here.
...

One Sunday morning
There he lied
Awoken by a message beep
There he smiled
"What else could be better?"

One Sunday morning
There he lied
Couldn’t get out of his bed
There he waited
"When will she reply?"

One Sunday night
There he stood
Waiting as if for eternity
There he thought
“Perhaps she's busy?”

One Monday morning
There it was
“I’ve forgotten” she said
There he sighed
“I shouldn’t have cared.”