I wanna be numb.

I want to feel the familiar buzz in my chest.

I want to be fearless around other people.

I want to spend a night with someone random.

I want to not care about love for one night.

I want to feel nothing but numb.

I want to dance with random people.

I want to be free and wild.

For one night.

All I want to think about, is alcohol.

I've lied

To everyone

I told them all that I don't think like that anymore

That all those thoughts are gone

But they aren't

And if anything

They're getting stronger.

I want you

He wants you

You want me

But you're scared

Scared of what your parents will say

Scared of the people at school

Scared of hurting me

Scared of yourself.

I want you

So bad

And I know you want this too

So whats stopping you?

Who says you can't be mine?

He broke up with me.

It was sudden and painless.

I didn't cry.

I was fine.

I moved on really fast.

I'm already moved on.

I have a new person already.

She's amazing.

Better than him.

Better than he could ever be.

It creeps up on my like a monster in the dead of night.

Sharp claws ready to puncture my skin.

Giant mouth ready to devour my soul.

Piercing eyes to see my every secret.

Ears to hear all of my fears.

It knows that I'm afraid.

It knows that I'm alone.

Vulnerable.

And it waits.

Until the tears start to flow and the sobs tear my throat.

And then it strikes.

Filling my head with lies it creates to make my head swim.

Telling me that I would be better off dead.

And worst of all,

I begin to believe it.

I begin to succumb to wanting to die.

And I let this monster take over my mind.

Until I only have one option.

Death.

My mood changes pretty drastically

I can be super happy and bubbly

And then super angry and silent

My friends get confused

My family thinks I'm crazy

But none of that matters

What matters is that my brain is at war with itself

That everyday, I'm fighting myself

To be nicer

To be a better friend

A better daughter

A better girlfriend

To be better.

My mood changes drastically

And one day

I'll end up alone because of it.

Your skin is like paper

It cuts so easily

One razor can ruin your skin

It can cause permanent scars

Ones that never fade

Ones that will always be there to remind you that you are nothing

I feel like I'm drowning in sea of you

You are a sea,

And I'm person who cant swim

I fall out of my safe haven

My old relationship

And I fall into you

You mean no harm

But to my demons it doesnt seem that way anymore.

To them you are a typhoon waiting to drown me with vigor

But all you want to do is safely guide me to shore

But on your bad days, the storms are so bad that I can barely keep my head above the water

On the good days, I float on my back and soak up the sun

I never know what to expect

But today

I'm drowning

And there's no help in sight

I'm leaving today
                                I'm not coming back
                                                                ­    I'm sorry it's so sudden
But I can't take it anymore
                                            Everyone tried to help
                                                                ­                  But nothing works
I can't tell my friends
                                   They worries too much
                                                                ­            And I love them too much
I can't tell my mom
                                 She'll lock me away
                                                            ­         As if I'm not already a prisoner
A prisoner in my own mind
                                              Locked away
                                                                       Where no one can find me
No one will ever understand
                                               How I feel
                                                                   Or what it takes out of me
I can't tell anyone
                              How many sleepless nights
                                                                             I've endured over the years
Or how many times
                                   I've cried in my room
                                                                        Not daring to make a sound
In fear someone will hear
                                           That they'll find out
                                                                             what I've been hiding
So goodbye
                         Because with some luck
                                                                   I wont be coming back.

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

I said this a lot when I was younger

But now it's,

Forgive me Mother for I have lied.

Or,

Forgive me my love for I have hurt myself.

My entire life, I have been asking for forgiveness.

They say that they forgive me

That all is forgotten.

But it's not.

I'm not trusted.

I'm not trusted to do things with friends.

I'm not trusted around sharp objects.

They never forgave me.

So I guess I'll have to ask again.

I get it.

You've known her longer.

Been friends longer.

And I'm just a passing phase.

Just a play thing.

Something to get your mind off of her.

I get it.

But it hurts.

It hurts to know that I'll never be yours.

And you mine.

It hurts that she's my bestfriend.

Who hides nothing from me.

And surely didn't hide this.

I see the looks you give her.

The ones you don't give me.

I see the lingering touches.

So yeah I get it.

Just don't break her heart like you broke mine.

I think I'm broken

I'm not quite sure how this happened

But I what I do know, is that my heart was shattered into a million pieces

My mind has self destructed into toxic thoughts

I can't stop thinking of my blade

I can't stop thinking about running it across my skin again

I want to see my blood run down my leg

I am broken

And I don't know why

what if it's something bad

what if it's something they can't fix

what if i have to get surgery again

what if that doesn't fix it

what happens when the bills rack up

what happens when it's my fault that this is happening

what if?

i feel this empty cavern in my chest

it's not a new feeling

only this time it's for a different reason

i know i can't be with him

i've tried this all before

gone through all this pain already

i thought i learned my lesson

about falling for him

about letting my feelings get in the way of our friendship

i'm sorry

i know that i mess things up

i'm sorry that i can't be the perfect friend

i'll try to be better

to not let this happen again

i promise

so please

don't leave

don't leave me

not now

not when i need you the most

Sobs tear at my throat

Like a demon crawling from hell

They tear up my throat until I let them out

Sometimes they come out when I'm in public

People pity me

I don't want pity

I don't want help

I want this to be over

I want the sobs to stop

I just want to be okay

I'm falling

Falling apart piece by piece

Soon enough there won't be anything left

I won't be recognizable

I'll only be pieces of myself

Pieces that won't come back together

No matter how hard I try

I can't ever be my full self again

Not the one my mom wants back

Not the one my family remembers

But only pieces

Broken pieces

Pieces that no one wants

Pieces that dont glue back together

I fell myself falling

And there's no stopping it now