I'm leaving today
                                I'm not coming back
                                                                ­    I'm sorry it's so sudden
But I can't take it anymore
                                            Everyone tried to help
                                                                ­                  But nothing works
I can't tell my friends
                                   They worries too much
                                                                ­            And I love them too much
I can't tell my mom
                                 She'll lock me away
                                                            ­         As if I'm not already a prisoner
A prisoner in my own mind
                                              Locked away
                                                                       Where no one can find me
No one will ever understand
                                               How I feel
                                                                   Or what it takes out of me
I can't tell anyone
                              How many sleepless nights
                                                                             I've endured over the years
Or how many times
                                   I've cried in my room
                                                                        Not daring to make a sound
In fear someone will hear
                                           That they'll find out
                                                                             what I've been hiding
So goodbye
                         Because with some luck
                                                                   I wont be coming back.

I know that I'm a disappointment.

I've only been told that half a million times.

It's a running joke within the family now.

I know that I get angry at you.

I know I fight with you.

I know I make things hard.

And as much as you don't think so,

I'm trying really hard.

I'm trying to be better.

I'm trying to better myself.

Get my grades up.

And fix myself for you.

But to you,

I'll always be a dissapointment.

I've lied

To everyone

I told them all that I don't think like that anymore

That all those thoughts are gone

But they aren't

And if anything

They're getting stronger.

Forgive me father for I have sinned...

I said this a lot when I was younger

But now it's,

Forgive me Mother for I have lied.

Or,

Forgive me my love for I have hurt myself.

My entire life, I have been asking for forgiveness.

They say that they forgive me

That all is forgotten.

But it's not.

I'm not trusted.

I'm not trusted to do things with friends.

I'm not trusted around sharp objects.

They never forgave me.

So I guess I'll have to ask again.

what if it's something bad

what if it's something they can't fix

what if i have to get surgery again

what if that doesn't fix it

what happens when the bills rack up

what happens when it's my fault that this is happening

what if?

My mood changes pretty drastically

I can be super happy and bubbly

And then super angry and silent

My friends get confused

My family thinks I'm crazy

But none of that matters

What matters is that my brain is at war with itself

That everyday, I'm fighting myself

To be nicer

To be a better friend

A better daughter

A better girlfriend

To be better.

My mood changes drastically

And one day

I'll end up alone because of it.