As I clench the tanned tip
between my teeth,

I finally understand why
a small, susceptible fish

would do anything for
the imperious bait.

she licked the line of sweat that
groped my hair up the
middle of my chest with
her hot and sticky tongue,

and as I looked into her
blackened, wilting eyes,
while beating my head
violently against her lips,

I felt the guilt lacerating my insides
worse than the drugs devouring her mind.

i fell for you
like a mouse in a trap.
i was deceived
by your looks
and your charm
and every bit of your
nurturing heart.

but then you
cut me off.

and now,
when i have to
look at you, nearly every day,
i have to accept the fact
that i was only the subject
of your experiment.

i was just
a silly mouse
looking for an escape,
only to be led on
further into your maze.

no matter how fast i run
you’re always running with me,
and i look further down the road
for the finish line,
knowing that this is a race i will never win.

i can’t wait for the day
when i can sit at the bar
and drink one just for you–
for coming into my life
and ******* it up
and leaving me to fend for myself.

and then i’ll have another.

i thirstily drink from the well of elation
that you provide for me
momentarily feeling perfect for you.

but the next day, when i wake up
and you break into my thoughts,
the hangover never ceases to exist.

the loop is that
every time i talk with you,
i feel like such a bother.
but the moment you talk with me,
i can’t help my happiness
because you could never bother me.

you’re only a bother
when i’m feeling disturbed
because i can’t get you
out of my head.

we come on earth to die.
we follow the rules of humanity–
use your manners, make good grades
get married,
have children–
and we bring up our children
to do the same **** thing.

but who is to say that
this is how we should live?

what if my happiness
is your sense of depression?
or if your anger
is my sense of comic relief?

nobody is right,
but nobody is wrong.
and that's the paradox,
the altering perception,
that we suffer from,
or bloom with,
as life passes us by.

they say that before you die,
your entire life flashes
before your eyes.

so when I held the gun
up to my head,
all I saw was you.

and I hesitated

because I couldn’t bear
to have your divinity
engrained in my mind
forever.

I can hear you heckling me
to play those sketchy little games
and I always convince myself that
I’ve got a shot at winning.

and of course I’m one
to be fearless, and eager,
and unbreakable
to take that wild ride with you.

but on every revolution
and each wicked twist and turn,
I get a little dizzy–
sick and confused–
and I wish you’d just stop this ride,
and let me off
to let me live–
live to enjoy the lights of the night
with you.