I feel like my heart is grotesquely punctured,
Punctured and bleeding, because you haunt me at night,

I feel like my pillow is weightless and transient,
Weightless and transient from years spent in flight.

I feel like my knuckles are bruised and bloodied,
Bruised and bloodied from fighting off the image of your face,

I feel like my body is weak and tired,
Weak and tired, trying to win this race.  

I feel like this poem is futile and ******,
Futile and ******, as I attempt to forget for the millionth time,  

I feel like a prisoner—No way in, no way out,
No way in, no way out, but I committed no crime.

I feel like our pictures are worn and faded,
Worn and Faded, because I stare at them too much,

I feel like my soul is seized and beleaguered,
Seized and beleaguered, because it misses your touch.

I feel like my mirror is false and distorted,
False and distorted, because somehow I look whole,

I feel like my heart is grotesquely punctured,
Punctured and bleeding, my ghost—that’s your role.

Your Los Angeles apartment and I,
We’ve both been abandoned,
Abandoned and forgotten
To your never-ending travels.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you so deeply that my love renders me helpless,
And I hate to feel helpless.

Your bed and I,
We both miss your weight,
And wait,
Your sheets and I,
We miss your touch,
That touch you give her so freely
God, I hate Philly.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you do deeply that my love is making me feel out of control,
And I hate feeling out of control.

Your front door and I,
We both want to welcome you home,
Because with us, you are really home,
Whether you know it or not.

I think you heard me say
I hated you,
But I only hate you,
Because I love you so deeply that my love is making me blind,
And I hate not seeing the truth, Jason.

Every hour of every day,
In some clichéd way,
I think of you
At least twice.

I’m a friend,
I know.
You say it too much,
It chafes me raw.

Are you really that dense?  
Or maybe it’s a ruse,
A system you’ve devised
To keep me at bay,
Because you just don’t feel
The same way.

I’m crazy about you,
I admit,
If you saw me now,
You’d recognize the guilt,
Brightly scrawled across my face,
Like a neon sign:

The coffee, the talks, the long walks?
All excuses,
Preambles for profound, passionate *******,
That never materialized.

I don’t think it ever will.

Adieu!  Farewell my friend,  
I wish you all of life’s best,
I’ll cross the sea to forget you and rest,
Sail somewhere faraway,
Like Portugal or Paraguay.

Then,
On a lonely afternoon,
You’ll phone for yet
Another friendly talk,
Expecting me – your anchor, your rock,  
Steam will blow out your ears hissing:
‘She is missing!  She is missing!’

Will you sigh and say,
‘Ah!  My Love has gone away’?

In the morning he was gone,
A silver streak like morning dawn,
That came creeping up my window,
Like a brilliant thief.

Robbing me of ***** nights,
Tender kisses filled with fright,
Stolen from my willing lips,
Like forgotten prayers.

No return to be expected,  
To my lover’s will I’m fated,
To watch him leave and breath a sigh,
Like a child gone awry.

And if I ask that he returns,
To my bed of pain,
My lover will most surely laugh,
Declaring me so plain.

For this house is now a tomb,
My soul is dying in this room!
A gift bequeathed by forbidden nights -  
A daily price for mating rights.

Her arms wrap around me,
A spider to its prey,
She is pulling me with her,
To a dark, lonely grave.

“We are forever bound,” she says,
“I know it hurts, but you will behave.
I am in pain,” she screams,
“I can’t endure,
It’s you, only you, who has my cure.”

“No!”  I say, and I run, and I pray,
Oceans will come between us,
I am far, far away.

I swear to you,
I will not adhere,
I can,
I will make her scream disappear.

But running is pointless, you see,
All I’ve been doing is running from me.
Going in circles around and around,
They never, ever end,
I am always found.

Till my last day,
Till my dying breath I’ll hear,
“My darling daughter,  
Come near me, come near.”

I want you,
Want you, you, you,
Doesn’t matter you’re not here,
I forgive all the silences.

I want you,
I don’t care,
I know you’ll disappoint,
I’m a willing captive,
Why fight?
There’s no point.

I want you,
Need to hold you in my arms,
Need to smell your sweat,
Inhale your breath,
Need you inside of me,
That’s where you belong,
Where you were meant to be.

I want you,
Bald, fat and ugly,
I really don’t care,
I just want you to be there.

I want to open your door,
Because I have my own key,
I want to come in,
Because you too now want me.

I want you to need me,
I want to stare in your eyes,
I want your promises,
I don’t care if they are lies.

I want your body warm in my bed,
I want you near me,
I want you so bad.

You’re not real.

I made you up inside my head,
Stitched-up Man,
You’re Dead,
Weaved from my deepest dreams,
Disintegrated at the seams.

You’re not real.

Your eyes,
They lie,
Your smile,
Deceives,
Your hands that reached for mine,
Diseased,
Your heart,
Black.

You’re not real.

I so wanted you to be,
I breathed you into life,
And then could do nothing but watch,
As the true you unfurled,
An alien, cold, impersonal thing.

You’re not real.

It’s my fault, I know,
I just couldn’t let go,
Of the fantasy,
The ecstasy,
You and me,
You and me,
You and me.

You’re not real.